When He Fears Commitment Because He Doesn’t Want To Be Changed… | Rewind

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I got my cool life, and you're gonna come in and you're gonna try and change it up and make me make the bed and do things and turn my music down.

Welcome everybody to the Love Life Podcast. I am Matthew Hussey and I believe today's episode is really going to help you accelerate your love life today. Check it out and I'll speak to you at the end of the episode.

Jonathan says, I would say I'm afraid of being changed. To be told that in order to be with someone, I must change who I am.

Thoughts? Well, you will be changed on some level by someone. I think that's, that's, that's the nature of things. You meet someone and you're, you're in some way changed by them. That's actually one of the best parts of a relationship, I should add. I, I want it. I, I would actually like to change the narrative around it a little bit, because that anytime I think that you can Mark your life by the moments that someone who changed it came into your life. There are all people, there are people throughout our life, friends, colleagues, bosses, people that we fall in love with, that change us in some way that we're really grateful for. So let's be clear, there are relationships where one plus one equals three and you're happy for the changes. What Jonathan is talking about is the kind of change that happens when someone starts to strip us of the things that we feel are fundamentally us and crucial to who we are and what we like to do and how we like to live. And I think that we're all a little afraid of that. Usually we come to a relationship with a little bit of trauma from having been in a relationship before where someone did It did feel like someone robbed us of something that felt like it was fundamentally us. And we found ourselves treading on eggshells with our own personality and having to sort of amputate crucial parts of ourselves in order to make this other person happy. And then when the relationship ended, we feel less of ourselves and we feel like we're having to find ourselves again in the process of rebuilding.

And the truth is also, it is very difficult to change, right? So often if somebody's feeling that pressure, like you need to change. It's not like, oh, I'm afraid I'm gonna just change and I'm gonna be so different and lose myself. Sometimes it's just like, I'm afraid this person is just gonna sit there constantly resenting me because they're just always thinking of these ways that I should change and I'm not gonna completely change. I think of that scene in Before Midnight where Ethan Hawke's character is walking with Julie Delpy and Julie Delpy asks the question, if you could change anything about me, what would it be? and Ethan Hawke's character kind of knows what she's getting at and he's just like, I think I would change the fact that you want to change me all the time, you know? Or something like that, where it's like he knows that she's sitting there sort of ruminating on like these little habits he has and all these things and he's just kind of feeling that resentment.

Yeah, because it really does feel, I mean it is the antithesis of being accepted and being accepted is is what we really want. So, yeah, I think that that's. That's an interesting one by Jonathan. I get it.

Yeah. No, I feel like it's more about being afraid of being judged than being changed. Like, I do. I'm gonna get judged for my choices or the things I like to do with my time, my lifestyle, like my habits.

Don't you think that. being judged is a disguised fear of not being accepted. And if I'm not accepted, then I don't feel worthy. So what I'm really afraid of when I don't want to be judged is I'm afraid that the things that make me me, my idiosyncrasies and eccentricities and the little things that I enjoy doing are going to be seen as weird or stupid or Just not normal and that therefore I'm not going to be accepted by someone. Like behind the fear of being judged is just the fear of not being accepted, right?

Yeah, absolutely. And then I think the extra fear might be someone thinking, maybe I'm not going to be strong enough to defend the way I like things. there's two things. There's, like, there's wanting to keep the, the things that make you you, and there probably is a bit of fear of some of these things. I probably will have to compromise a bit to properly have a relationship with someone. And that's, that's also a reason probably people get fearful of getting in relationships these days where they're used to having their own autonomy a lot, and they think, yeah, I'm gonna have to live in a bit of a less selfish way. I'm gonna have to compromise some things to be with someone and. that's also scary.

You know what? It's interesting you say that because another comment from Sabrose was being afraid of losing it, not sure what it is, and to become a giant pleaser and forget my own well-being in the process, which I think is similar to what you're talking about, Stephen.

Exactly. I think sometimes there's a preemptive defense where people are like, I know I'm gonna be a pleaser in this relationship. I know I'm gonna want to care about the other person, and I might end up forgetting myself or. Or doing things that aren't me because I am got a good heart, because I care, because I just need to please someone. And they're kind of like, I don't want to do it because I know I'm gonna feel that pressure to please them.

But that's so interesting, isn't it? Because even there is just a crucial Insight. that what I'm disguising as a fear of you changing me is really just the fear that I cannot trust myself.

Yeah.

That's what it comes down to. And people don't say that, right? People say, oh, I don't want you coming into my life and changing me. It's like, it's sort of this feel. It's almost like a. It's like a rock star excuse. I've got my cool life, and you're gonna come in and you're gonna try and change it up and make me make the bed and do things and turn my music down and whatever. And instead, what it really is, is I'm actually so distrusting of myself and my ability to have boundaries. that I don't even want to develop feelings in the first place because I can't trust myself when I do. It's fascinating.

Really interesting. And I would like to add briefly that I think the point you made earlier about the fear of not being accepted is huge because I think there's a lot of insecurity when you're afraid of commitment. You tend to, that tends to be interwoven with insecurity somewhere. And the insecurity with a lot of, in a lot of these responses that I think is popping up is if I allow myself to be too vulnerable, I will basically be crushed.

You know, is there another comment like that?

Yes. In fact, there is. The next comment is from Robert, and he said, because commitment means eventually being known in my vulnerability, which is A huge reason why people are scared of commitment, don't you think?

Yes. Look, I think that it's the more distant you keep someone, the more it feels like you have total control over the situation. You're essentially controlling the elements in your life and minimizing the variables. and one of the greatest variables you can introduce into your life is someone you care about and someone whose opinion you care about and someone who you let your guard down in front of. So if you're afraid that it's gonna be hard to control.

Your feelings of.

Rejection, if that doesn't go well, then you just don't wanna invite that possible rejection in. in the first place.

Audrey, do you think that this is a uniquely a guy's fear or do you think that women go through something like this too? Because I'm just reading this and I'm just, I am actually curious because it is, because commitment means eventually being known in my vulnerability.

Yeah.

Is that uniquely a male thing or do women go through something similar?

I mean, I think a lot of the things that are popping up are actually unisex. you know, I definitely think that people who are afraid of commitment are just afraid of letting someone in. People just find it hard to be vulnerable. I have a very, very dear friend who is someone who has struggled for a really long time to sort of let someone in. And she finds the process very uncomfortable. She's obviously overcome a lot of that, but she's very much a woman in her 30s, and it's taken her a really long time and a lot of work, a lot of work. to be able to be vulnerable enough to let someone in. So I don't think it's unique to men at all. I think the issue, and I suppose this is just my thoughts from reading it, is that society almost propagates the message of if men don't commit, they can remain a playboy. And as a result, it sort of allows people's insecurities around commitment to be justified if they wish to follow them. But eventually, whether it happens at 30, 40, 50, 60, most people do want to find a partner to share their life with, and those things have to be overcome in some way, shape or form.

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