When You’re Afraid Of Getting Too Invested Too Quickly… | Rewind

There should be no amount of things a person could do in 24 hours or one week that makes your entire mind up about them. Hey, everybody, Matthew Hussey here with the Love Life podcast. Really excited for you to hear the episode today. Let's get into it.

Somebody else wrote that what they're afraid of in early dating is getting too invested too quickly. Probably the most relatable thing I've ever read in my life. Don't we all feel that? What do you think?

I think I reframe. You know, it's like if you're in that stage where you're texting someone you like and you end up in the. The position of waiting by the phone for their next text, I think if that happens, something in your framing of what this person does for you has gone wrong because you don't know this person very well and you're kind of now reliant on them for your validation. And something has gone really strange if that's happening. So I try and clear the decks in those moments, and you just gotta be like, everything that this person invests or everything they prove to me that they're great is upside. And if they don't, then nothing's changed. Like, it's the same as before I met them, it's the same as after I met them. So if they keep proving to me that they're a great person, I text them. I'm going to be enthusiastic and positive and. And if they don't, I'm like, okay, cool. Like nothing lost. I'm still going to keep up all the things that were important to me before I knew this person existed. I'm going to keep being out there, have great friends, have great adventures, have a great life. And if they're on board for that, amazing. That's cool. But I'm not going to now suddenly change my whole frame of what's important to me and what determines my happiness based on whether this person decides I'm important or not important enough to text back.

Very good. Anything else to add?

Yeah, I think the. The I'm afraid I'll get obsessed too quickly is a. Is a kind of. It's almost a. A way of abdicating responsibility, as if to say, the power is outside of me. Someone can come along and do this to me, and I will be out of control at that point. So the way you have to turn, I'm afraid I'll become too obsessed with. You have to change that to. I currently don't feel I can trust myself. And then you have to say, well, why don't I trust myself? What. What do I do when I decide I like someone that is counterproductive, that hurts me, that hurts my confidence, that takes over my life. And then start to actually look at those behaviors. Where are they coming from? Why am I doing this? And what can I do differently next time I decide I like someone? And while I'm in the process, what's this like, based on the ways that I've decided I like someone to the point of using that word obsession? What is that based on? And. And can I, with any real credibility, say that these reasons are valid reasons to be obsessed with someone? And. And I think that one of the things that can help people is just to look at it as. There's no. There's. There should be no amount of things a person could do in 24 hours or one week that makes your entire mind up about them, Especially to the point of obsession, which is a kind of not a good word in any context, really, that, you know, obsession doesn't describe healthy love, so obsession shouldn't be the goal. But in the first couple of weeks, there should really be nothing someone could do that would make you make your mind up about how great they'll be as a partner in five years.

Yeah.

Those things can only be revealed with time. You can have the greatest time on earth on vacation with, like, a friend you just met on vacation. And you just. Everyone's had that moment where they come back from a vacation and there was just someone they met by the pool, and they're just like, well, they were the best. You don't know who that person is in their actual life. You don't know what kind of a friend that person would be. You just know you had fun with them. And that's a very different thing. The importance that someone takes on in your life should be predicated not on how much of a great time did I have with them, but. Which is, by the way, yes, that's a prerequisite that I have a great time when I'm with them. But much, much more than that. We, you know, in business, you. The reason you do bigger and bigger deals with someone in business is because you tried something with them. You learned that they were an authentic, sincere person. You learned they had integrity. You learned when they said they would email you, they did. You learned that when they said they would pay you, they paid you. You. You. You learn these things that make you go, oh, that. That's built credits in the bank in this relationship that make it worth exploring what else we might do together. But you don't just do the biggest deal of your life with someone because they were really charismatic on your first meeting and they really impressed you with how smart they are because you don't really know a lot else about them and you don't know how great of a partner they would be. That's how you get scammed, by the way. That's how scams work is. I try to front load all of this trust that is not based on any kind of long term engagement so that I can get more value from you than I'm ever going to give you. So be careful with that obsession in the beginning. It's based on something that's a gross overvaluation of early qualities you've seen.

I would add to that as well. Don't overvalue them and actually recognize that, you know, the reason you are obsessed with that person is because of what they represent to you in your head, the story you've built around them and the way that you hope that meeting them will somehow save you from a reality that you're existing in. Whether it's, I don't want to be on my own, I really want to meet someone, I really want a family. Don't let all of that and all of that hope and all of that desire just fall on the shoulders of somebody who, as you say, you barely know because that gives them way more power than they deserve.

Fantastic point.

My maxim on this is people overvalue attributes and undervalue behavior. People look at attributes, height, job looks, charisma, all the rest like a top trumps card, and they undervalue everything the person's actually doing.

I want to add to that because I think that's great. But I almost want to say they overvalue attributes and they also overvalue early behavior.

Or they overvalue behavior that doesn't have to do with them. What I want to say to this is don't obsess about the person. If you're going to obsess about anything, obsess about the relationship you actually have with that person, how they, how they.

Are with you in relation to you.

Like, see how ridiculous that is? Like, if you really have a great relationship with somebody, then like, okay, allow yourself to be like, I'm obsessed with what we built together. I'm obsessed with the chemistry we have. Even I'm obsessed with us. But if you're like sitting there just obsessing about the person, then that can just be a one way street.

Yeah, yeah, it's literally just an objectification of that person. It's not an assessment of the relationship you have with them.

And so what Steve is saying I think is like behaviors, but it's like, yeah, behaviors with you. You know, like, like how, what kind of, what kind of value does, do they actually add to your life?

And look, I, I'm, I don't want to say I, I hate saying this in a way because it sounds unromantic and it sounds like I'm sucking all of the life out of anything good in early dating. I'm not. I'm just tempering enthusiasm a little bit because I would say even their behavior in relation to you is something that has to play out over time. And you don't know. Just all you have to say to yourself is, I don't know who they'll be in week 52. I only know how they're treating me today or what they say they want today. And that's okay. I don't have to be cynical about it. But I also shouldn't suddenly make these huge bets right now. All I'm really doing is betting another week or another month and seeing what happens there instead of deciding what the value of this thing will be in a year, which is complete science fiction. And the obsession is often that we're already valuing what this will be in a year or in five years or in 10 years and we're obsessed with what that could be, but where there's no sense of presence about what it actually is right now.

So instead of getting carried away, you just have to say to yourself, see.

What happens, See what happens.

See how it goes. Let's see. But it's true.

It's been really fun. It's been really fun so far. I'm excited to see you today. Let's see what happens. Thanks for listening. And before you go, if it is a priority for you this year to find your person, I have a practical roadmap for you in a free training I did called Dating with Results is a 60 minute training. It is helping so many people right now who are going through it and you can be one of them by going to datingwithresults.com when you sign up, you get a two day day free pass to watch the training. So just make sure you diarize it so you don't miss your window and go there. Now dating with results.com is the link. I'll see you over there and enjoy the training.