In this Love Life podcast episode, Matthew Hussey tackles the anxiety many women feel about being a virgin and how to discuss it with a potential partner. He advises against treating virginity as "baggage" and suggests framing the fact calmly (e.g., "I’m still a virgin, that may surprise you"). He emphasizes staying equanimous—remaining mentally unfazed—regardless of a partner’s reaction. Hussey argues that a woman’s value isn’t tied to her vagina; empowerment comes from the choices she makes about who she’s with. He normalizes the first sexual experience as often awkward and far from the idealized, transcendent moment many imagine, urging listeners to lower expectations and focus on finding someone they like, trust, and feel safe with. Once a woman has sex, the virginity disclosure issue disappears, so the pressure to disclose beforehand is short‑lived. He concludes with a call‑to‑action for a free video titled “3 Female Mindsets that Drive Men Wild,” promising practical, empowering advice.
Questions this episode answers
June 15, 2016
lovelifepodcast.com/mindsets
Chapters
Hello everyone, this is Love Life with Matthew Hussey. You know, we've all been hurt in relationships. If we're not careful, we can end up shutting ourselves off completely to protect ourselves from more pain. But that cheats us out of opportunities to find the love we really deserve. So what should we do instead? I want to come back to this at the end of the show, but first let's get into today's episode. Look, are you ready to get serious? Talk about something little sensitive. It's going to offend a few people. You ready? I'm ready. We did a radio show recently about what you should say to the guy who asks, how many people have you slept with? And in answering this question, I gave various answers to which in the comments people responded. Now, one of the comments that we got on the show was, well, what if I'm a virgin? And in fact, for many of these people, it came in two parts. The first thing they said is, well, what do I tell him if I'm a virgin? And the second part was a more abstract question of, well, what, you know, what do I do? I'm a virgin. I do, you know, I've been saving myself for the right person, but I'm worried. And it's kind of create this stigma, and I'm worried about telling guys about it and so on. So, I'm going to answer this in two parts. First, dealing with how do you actually tell a guy you're a virgin, because that seems to be something a lot of people are worried about. And secondly, just the state generally of being a virgin. Let's talk about that. So, first part, here's my rule with anything that you think has the potential to create a reaction in somebody else for better or worse. Don't wear it as baggage when you tell them. If you say to someone, just a really, I don't know, I just didn't know how to tell you this, but I'm a virgin. Now you sound like you being a virgin is just the most horrible thing on earth. And he's got to deal with it. Right? This is you wear it as baggage. He receives it as baggage. It's a big deal to you. It's a big deal to him. If it's not a big deal to you, if it's just a actually, I'm still a virgin. That may surprise you, but I'm still a virgin. Already the tone of that is going to get a different reaction. Now, of course, he'll have his reflex reaction to that. Whatever it is, that's fine. Everyone has reflex reactions to things that you say. Your job is to remain, there's a great word here, equanimous to that. Equanimous meaning mentally unfazed, calm. Don't react with, oh, I didn't know it would be a problem for you. And I just, I didn't know how to tell you. Don't then react in that way. Simply react. act calmly. Yeah, you know, I thought it may surprise you, but that's the truth. Fine. No big deal. If it's not a big deal to you, it will be far less likely to be a big deal to him. I'm going to say this to you, ladies, your gift to the world is not your vagina, right? That is not the thing that makes you special. So anyone who's holding out right now, like that's your big gift. Like this is the thing you're giving to man. You're in trouble because guess what? Every woman has one. The truth is your empowerment comes from whoever you choose, those decisions that you make to be with someone. That's where your empowerment comes from is I decide to be with you tonight. That wasn't your decision. That was my decision. I decide to do this with you. And if you've built it up so much that it's become a thing for you, I want to save you some hassle. The first sex you ever have is not going to be the best sex you ever have. It's unlikely to be this grand, mystical, transcendent moment. for most of us, the first sex we ever had was just terrible. It was awkward and fumbling and weird, and we didn't know what we were doing. And the first sex was just getting us to the 59th when it finally got good. When you're like, oh, this. Oh, okay, this is how you do it, right? It's never gonna be this incredible moment. By the way, it might be you might have this great romantic guy, and you have this situation. It turns into a relationship. You have this. magical moment with him. It might be that. But you don't have to wait for that moment. Look, take the pressure off. Find someone you like. Find someone you're having fun with. Find someone you trust. Find someone you feel safe around. Find someone that you feel romantic around. And if the feeling takes you, go for it. Stop building it up to be this amazing thing. Because guess what? Once you're past that and you feel like this isn't some huge deal anymore, you can actually begin living your life and enjoying it. and just going out there and having fun and seeing what's out there without this big stigma in your brain. And for those of you who are worried, 'cause you're saying, well, how do I tell a guy I'm a virgin? Guess what? After you've had sex, you won't ever have to say that again. So you don't need to worry about it. That's the shortest term problem you'll ever have by definition, 'cause the moment you sleep with someone, you'll never have to think about it again. So don't worry, it's just you only have to say that to whoever you meet before You have sex for the first time. This is really not that difficult, people. Sex is good, it's easy, it's fun. Go enjoy it. I'll speak to you soon. At the beginning of today's show, I brought up the question, how can we open ourselves up to love again when we've been hurt? In one of my live seminars, I actually coached a woman through this in a Q&A session. and I want to give you free access to it today. I call this video the 3 Female Mindsets that Drive Men Wild and it's filled with empowering and practical advice that you can use today. To get your free access just go to lovelifepodcast.com/mindsets.
