Why Does Dating Feel So Hard In 2024?? | Matt Monday

There are people who try to come across as rare by being aloof and distant and unavailable. And there are people who show that they are rare by being awesome. [The topic of dating today can feel nearly impossible for so many people. Much has been said on the topic of how hard dating is today. I am probably in the camp of people that accepts that there are some very challenging things about it, but I choose not to live in this idea that it is impossible. Instead, I look at why it is that for so many people it's so difficult and what we can do to have a very different experience of it ourselves. Today is an important topic because I believe so many of us have been going about dating all wrong. And one of the things I think is going on culturally for so many people right now is that there's this kind of race to the bottom in terms of effort. It feels like there's so much competition. It feels like everyone's at this buffet online and we all want to come across like we're cool and in control. We're not going to make ourselves vulnerable too quickly because, God forbid, I give more than you do or I show you that I like you more than you like me. For a lot of people, there's that fear of if I'm too available, if I don't look like I've got a really busy life with things going on all the time and I'm never really available and you're gonna have to chase me, that you're not gonna be interested. And so it has us all playing this game of who can be the most aloof and that the grand prize of love is gonna be given to the number one most aloof, right? And that's the worst way to make ourselves valuable is to be aloof. on some level, we know that we're all looking for something that feels rare, right? We're looking for someone who's a wonderful person to be with, a wonderful partner, attractive, intelligent. And we believe that to get someone's attention, someone who is like that, someone who is rare, we ourselves have to be rare. But the way that we're going about being rare is actually hurting us. There are two very different and very distinct camps when it comes to trying to come across as rare. There are people who try to come across as rare by being aloof and distant and unavailable. And there are people who show that they are rare by being awesome. And the two different schools couldn't have more different results in terms of what happens. if you are rare by being aloof and by not trying very hard and by never showing much and always waiting for that person to make the move or for that person to show that they're into you before you show you're into them, for them to try before you try. By doing that, we essentially become invisible in so many ways. We become like everybody else who is playing the same cheap game because it's such an easy game to play. Anyone can send one word messages. Anyone can take six hours or two days to text someone back. If that's how we're trying to create a sense of significance around ourselves, then we are putting ourselves in an extremely large pool of people who are doing the exact same thing. But the people who are being rare, by being awesome. And I would define awesome as the ability to truly express yourself, express your personality, show a sense of humor, playful, be fun, be flirtatious, be curious about someone. The people who show that they are rare in that way are actually creating value for somebody else. Now, I actually believe that there is a drawback of this. the danger of bringing that really awesome energy to someone is that it can be mistaken for availability. It can be mistaken for us already being completely sold on that person. So they no longer feel they have to try if they're that kind of person that takes for granted someone who's really great or someone who simply feels entitled to that greatness and that attention because they've started getting it. In other words, the kind of generosity of spirit that we go into dating with, giving people the benefit of the doubt, can be mistaken for a kind of weakness. But that person will be corrected when they learn that our awesomeness, our greatness, whatever you want to call it, is like the sunshine. And it's a sunshine that we control and that we can point in a different direction any time we choose. And the time we choose to is when we realize that we are being taken for granted, when we no longer feel that someone is really interested or invested, when we feel their inconsistency, or when we no longer feel good around them or in their absence. When that's the case, they will learn that what they perceived as this availability that they could take for granted, this wonderful energy in their life that they were simply entitled to, is actually like a light switch that can get turned off. now you go from being this person with an incredible energy to a very powerful individual because I now realize, oh my God, I thought that was just free. I thought that was just because they liked me so much. It's actually because they're an awesome person and I'm at risk of losing this awesome person. Now, I don't want to have this idea simply live in the abstract. I want us to talk about how valuable this is when the rubber actually meets the road in our love lives in interacting with people. And I want to start just by inviting you into a particular concept that I have found really powerful in my own life. And that is the principle of reciprocity. It is the idea that if we give first, we are much more likely to receive that same thing. from somebody else. And most of us, I believe the reason that we're finding dating so hard is because we're actually doing the complete opposite. We are doing it backwards. We are going into dating expecting someone to evoke our playfulness by making us comfortable, expecting someone to evoke our vulnerability by making us feel entirely safe before we ever speak something that could be used against us or that we could be made fun of for or that could get us rejected. And as a result, we're not creating the kind of energy that would necessarily make that person feel like they can give those things. And this is a very kind of follower mindset when it comes to dating. We think we're keeping ourselves safe. We think that by waiting constantly for somebody else to give us something before we give it to them. We think that we're putting ourselves in a good position, but what we're actually doing is just following. We've turned ourselves into a kind of a sheep in dating, waiting for someone else to come along and lead with the kind of energy that we want to have. And I think what's missing from dating today is leadership. And I'm not just talking about in men because it's a cliche that you know, men need to step up and lead. And I'm talking about personal leadership for men and women. The ability to go into a room and focus on creating an impact. What a lot of people do is they're watching the other person to see what they do so that they can then base their thing, their move, their energy on what the other person is doing. But you can't have an impact when you're constantly watching the other person. An impact is stepping into a room and not saying, how's everyone else being? But how do I want to be? And then by being that, you invite that energy. You're actually in a place where you affect the energy of the room. You affect the energy of the date. You affect the energy of the text exchange. Instead of constantly living in a state of being affected by the energy in the room, that's following. And think about this with people in your life. We need go no further than our friends. or the people we know in life. Is there someone in your life that you are more affectionate with? My guess is one of the major reasons that you're more affectionate with that person is that they're affectionate with you in a way that brings out your most affectionate side. Are there people in your life that you feel funnier around? My guess is that that's because that person brings a sense of humor, a level of laughter to you that makes you feel like you want to bring out your funny It makes you tell more jokes. It makes you get more playful, more silly, more goofy. I do a retreat program every year, and part of the culture of my organization is that we're huggers. We don't hug people who don't want to be hugged, but for the people that are receptive, we'll hug people on the way in. And there are some people that you can tell on the way in are a little... They're a standoffish. They've not been used to that affection in their lives in general. They've not given that affection for a long time, or maybe ever. You would think that these people stay the same over the course of that week. But actually what happens is many of them, by the time they leave on the sixth day, are racing up to my members of staff and hugging them and going, I wasn't hugging people at the beginning of this program, and I didn't even think I was a hugger, and it turns out I am. And they're hugging people. Why is that? Because someone came along with an energy that brought that out of them. I don't want us to think about this as changing people. It's about creating an energy, having a level of leadership that actually brings more of who people really are to the table with you. And remember, this is always in the context of you having a standard that says, I'm going to bring a certain energy, a certain way about me to people. And if they can't meet me there, then I'm gonna keep moving. I'm not gonna keep giving energy to people who don't reciprocate. But what I'm not gonna do is go into my love life as a follower, as a sheep, who is waiting for someone to come along and trigger that in me. There are people that are actually capable of being many of the things that we'll be attracted to, that we simply write off when we're in follower mode. There are people who will say, I was texting this person, but they were really boring. I didn't know what to do because I just felt like it was really boring. They just asked me the same questions all the time. It was always just, how are you? What are you up to? And I was like, oh my God, like put in some more effort or say something more interesting. But in these situations, if we observe ourselves, if we get really self-aware, we'll often find that we're not creating an energy with them. That makes it more likely they'll bring that to the table. I said in a recent video, there was a line that Shakespeare wrote of his character, False Staff. False Staff was not just a wit, but a cause of wit in others. And the reason I love that line is because that to me is leadership is you aren't just something, you create more of that thing in another person. So, for example, let's say you're texting someone and they keep texting you boring things like, how are you? How's your day? What are you up to? And you're like, oh, God, this just doesn't feel like there's any tension here. This doesn't feel like we're really flirting, it doesn't feel like anything's really getting off the ground. Maybe instead of just writing that person off, actually say, let me see what happens if I bring more of this dynamic to this person. So now when that person says to you, how are you? Instead of answering literally, which is what many people do, you do this. And this is my advice to people all the time. If someone says, how are you or what you up to? Don't answer literally. ask yourself, what's the most interesting thing that's happened to me this week? What's something I've been thinking about today or in the last three days that is an interesting thought? In other words, what are the highlights of my brain this week or of what I'm doing this week? And when someone says, how are you? I don't have to take that so literally. I have to come back with something that's true, but something that is a highlight of my week. Let me give you an example of how you might respond to a how are you or what are you up to message with someone that you worry is just boring you or not putting in a lot of effort, but you want to see if you could send a bolt of electricity through it and what that would do. So you might say, I'm in a coffee shop working right now, or at least I'm trying to. I keep getting distracted by pointless things. But then you say, right after that, you texting me, however, is a welcome distraction. And all of a sudden, what you have done is just send a little bolt of electricity through the exchange. Now, what they choose to do with it, well, that's up to them. Now it's time for them to step up. If they can't do anything with that or they don't play on that or flirt back, then you go, okay, maybe this person is just not for me. Maybe they can't handle that level of fun or playfulness and therefore they're not going to be right for me. But what you'll find in a lot of cases is people who previously weren't doing it for another reason. Maybe they're shy, maybe they're just a bit awkward as many of us are in dating. We worry about what we can and can't say. We worry about things being misconstrued. Maybe someone suddenly feels permission be more of themselves in that way. and by leading you actually bring that out of them. That's the thing that we have to start being prepared to do. It's leaving a date and a few hours later saying, still smiling after that date we had. Or it might be the day after the date that you had with someone where you send someone a message and you say, had so much fun with you last night, still smiling. Now, that's warm. There's a little vulnerability to it. It's affectionate. It's kind of exciting. What does someone do with that message that will tell you what you need to know? That moment is either the red light or the green light. They give me nothing back. They kind of took for granted my message. They gave me a lame response. They gave me an entitled response. Okay. But by giving that energy, What we're really doing with someone is saying, hey, in case you were in any doubt, I find you attractive. I had a great time. How many dates is this true of? Of two people go on a date, they both like each other, they're both kind of feeling their way around what's appropriate or feeling a bit awkward about it, but they actually kind of like each other. But at the end of the date, neither of them really know. Whether the other one finds them attractive or not, right? There was no kiss at the end of the date. It seemed like a great date. But two people are left wondering, does this person see me as a friend? Did they just have a nice time with me? Is this a romantic thing? A day later, you get that message. Oh, they're attracted to me. Okay, and now you bring a different energy yourself. So these little moments of communication of not focusing on being rare by being aloof, but focused on being rare by being awesome. awesome can change the game on what somebody else brings to the table. By the way, that message I just gave you for the day after the date, I literally asked that question of Matthew AI for everyone who's already been using it, you'll know what I'm talking about. And that was a Matthew AI generated message from things I've said before that I had forgotten. When I heard Matthew AI say that message, I was like, oh my God, I did give that message once and I really like that message. So I'm giving it to you today. It's technically my message, but it's a message that I had long since forgotten about. And then when Matthew AI said it to me, I was like, that's gold. If you haven't already, by the way, tried Matthew AI, I urge you to go and try it. If you have a question on your mind right now about what something means, what you should say, what you should do, you can go to askmh.com and ask Matthew AI your question right now. It is blowing people's minds. You can literally text Matthew AI your question. you can upload your messages and ask Matthew AI what things mean or what you should say next. You can literally call Matthew AI and speak your question out loud as if you were on a phone call with me and you will hear my voice give you my answer. Anyway, back to the video. I'm sorry, I am just very excited about this right now. Though, by the way, here's another thing I was thinking of the other day, 'cause me and Audrey went to see the new Alien film. And I thought, what text would be a fun text to receive if Audrey and I were dating and she had been to see this movie without me? And I wrote this text down. Let's see, Audrey's actually here right now, so we'll see what she thinks of this. I just went to see the new Alien film. I could have used your big shoulders to hide in. LOL. Oh, that's good. You like it? Yeah. You're not just saying that, you're not just saying that. No, no, no, that's really good. I think it's really good too. So this is something everyone can do. But again, how many people out there are going, oh, I would never say that, or someone would have to make me feel really comfortable to say that. Then you're following again. Remember, truly being vulnerable in the negative sense, in the sense that I am exposed and I could get hurt, only occurs if you keep giving energy to someone who is not giving you that energy back. Being more of ourselves upfront, more playful, more goofy, a little bit more sexy, a little bit more of a wink, a little bit more flirtation, a little more complimentary or sweet or warm. That's not a dangerous level of vulnerability, it's just a little bit of bravery. And by the way, if you make other people feel brave around you, you will benefit because you'll actually get more of other people than they express to everyone else. So you'll actually increase the pool of people that you're attracted to. You will be the maker of a bigger pool of attractive people for yourself. But more than that, you will become attractive to more people because it's really enjoyable to be around someone who makes you feel like a better version of yourself. If I'm funnier around you, if I'm sexier around you, if I'm more flirtatious around you, then there's every chance that I will want to be around you more. Don't forget before you leave to go to askmh.com and give Matthew AI a try. Literally think of a question that you want to ask right now. If I was sat next to you, you've just finished this video, you're like, well, I want to know the answer to this now. Go and ask that question to Matthew AI right now. and get ready to be blown away because everyone I've shown this to is blown away. So askmh.com is the link. Go try it out now and thank you for watching. Be well and love life and I'll see you soon.