Why No One Wants to Commit Anymore | Matt Monday

When I say, How do I feel about this person? I go, oh my God, they're so attractive, they're so charismatic, they're so sexy, they have this, they have that. We talk about all of the wonderful things we see in that person. But that person can make you miserable.

Do you think online dating is good or bad?

I mean, you can't deny how many people have, you know, are together now because that existed, right? There's something about, there is something amazing about the fact that I could meet someone who goes to a different coffee shop than I do. You know, that's, we have a problem, I forget what the term in economics is, but the problem of, what's the word, when it's lack of information? When this person and this person could be great together, but they're never crossing paths, there is something really sad about that. And what online dating does is it says, you're gonna get to meet someone who doesn't go to your coffee shop. Amazing.

But... Now everybody's like, it's.

It'S a, it's also a big problem in the same way that, you know, Instagram or TikTok or any of these things are Big problem for our ability to be present, to enjoy things, to focus on anything is you're in this, once you're on online dating, you are in the dopamine machine and you're either getting addicted to it yourself or you're not, but you're dealing with other people. who are addicted to it. And it's very hard to be mindful. In order to know if someone's good for you, you have to be with them. You have to really sit and be present with them and get to know them. That's really hard when your phone's blowing up with four more matches that you check when you go to the bathroom on the date. Or you get home and you've got three texts from other people. And this is challenging because it's like if someone put, if you're in your living room at home and someone put five screens on the wall. And they played, you know, five of the world's greatest movies, one on each screen. and you watch them all at the same time for the next two hours. They're all great movies. But at the end of that, say, which was your favorite movie? Which one did you really love? I don't know. I was watching all at the same time. So there's a danger today. It's not an easy problem to solve, but there's a danger today that we never get present enough with anybody to actually get connected enough to inspire us to keep going.

Yeah, the social media world is a funny world because it's a very surface-based world. You know, it's everything is surface. Your page, as a guest said, is only displaying your greatest hits. I'm displaying my greatest hits on your profile online. You're just mentioning the great things about you and what you do. It's all very surface.

And it's not even your greatest hits. It's what you think are your greatest hits.

I love this song.

You think your greatest, yes, that is, you think your greatest hit is the car you drive? You think your greatest hit is the abs you've been working on for the last six months that you show in that shirtless pic? Like, those aren't your greatest hits. Whatever our ego says is the most impressive thing about me, that's what typically finds its way onto that page. But, you know, your partner, the person who loves you, the person who one day really is like deeply, deeply in love with you, you'll probably be surprised by what their favorite things about you are.

It would be nice to know and ask.

And then we should put those on our profile. You know, like it's, it's, we're not even, even when we think we're putting our greatest hits, we're not putting the things that people are really going to cherish about us. So that, so it's a very, very two-dimensional picture of us.

Why do you think commitment has become such a big issue? Like nobody wants to commit. or a lot of people don't want to commit. Is it too many candy at the candy store?

I think we do have a problem of that just the endless sea of people that we think are available. It's more complicated than just people who have lots of options find it hard to commit. It's that even people who are struggling more still feel like there's, you know, they go on a dating app and it still looks like a buffet, right? It still has this idea, this feeling of there's always someone who might be around the corner who's a bit better, who has a bit more of this or a bit less of that. And I think it would be remiss not to point out that there is a, the general standard that online pictures and profiles has set is bananas. Like, it's so unattainable. but it creates massive entitlement. So we go on a date wanting someone who looks like all these pictures of people we've seen. And then when an actual person shows up with imperfect complexion and, you know, they don't look that way and everything doesn't have that soft filter on it, We're like, I've seen what's out there. I've seen the standard that's out there. I feel like we're judging each other and ourselves by this crazy standard. And it does create a level of entitlement that has us always looking over someone's shoulder. And that's, man. Real quick, before you go on with the interview, if there's a question right now that as you're watching this has come up for you and you really want it answered, I want you to go ask that question of Matthew AI. This is my clone that can literally answer your question using my brain, my content. It's at askmh.com, you can text it or you can call. If you call, you'll hear my voice speaking back to you. It's like having me as your one-on-one coach anytime you need. Ask MH .com is the link. Go check it out, ask your question and enjoy the rest of this interview.

In your opinion, is there a right time to get married for both men and women in this modern age? Not our parents or grandparents time.

Look, I don't know that there is. I do think you have to be clear with yourself on what your goals are at some point. You don't have to be clear about it at 25, but you, I think at some point you need to be looking at what is it, what is it, what does a meaningful life look like to me? By the way, I don't have any a gender around people getting married or not. I think people can be together for the rest of their lives and not get married. Like, from my point of view, it doesn't matter. I certainly have felt a shift with marriage, but that's a personal thing to me. Like, I was not someone who grew up thinking, I can't wait to get married. I was not someone who in my 20s was like, I'm definitely gonna get married. I didn't think that. I didn't care about marriage. I was probably a little bit more contrarian where I was like, I don't care. I don't want someone telling me I have to sign them. Not even my partner. I was like, I don't want, you know, the state involved in my relationship. Like, I've got a sign of peace. Like, I was like that. And I was surprised to learn that when I fell in love and had this amazing peaceful relationship and I saw this person as someone I wanted to build with for the rest of my life, I was, I surprised myself with my thoughts. I think I want to marry this person. And I was like, well, where did that come from? And when I did get married, I did feel a shift. You know, I did feel like, huh, I feel there's a different kind of energy that we're, like, really building together. You know, it felt like a statement. But I say that as someone who has no deep beliefs about tradition and marriage. And I don't come from that place. Just that's my personal experience. So when someone chooses to do that, I think it's entirely up to them. But what I would say is, especially when people are looking at having kids, if your view, if your belief is you wanna have that within a marriage, Not everyone's is, but if that's your view, if that's your belief, then suddenly it does matter when you get married. Because there is a very real biological timeline, especially, I mean, for men and women, but for women especially, you know, men still can have their challenges and they do much more than people talk about. But, you know, For women, we know those challenges are different. We know that there is a real biological component to I have a window that is earlier than a man's in which if I pass that window, I don't get to do that myself biologically. And if that's the case, then it does matter when you get married if you believe that you want kids in a marriage. And you have to, this is where you have to start to get, what's the word? You have to start taking those goals seriously in your decisions. If you're having a fun time with someone, but that person's nine years younger than you and they're in a completely different stage of life and they're not looking for any of that anytime soon, and you're 32 and you're looking at your timeline and going, well, I don't have all the time in the world, that might be a very good reason to say no to that relationship, even though it's fun, even though it feels good, even though you really like this person, that might be a reason to say no. But you can't say no if you haven't been honest with yourself. about what it is you really want. And there's a lot of people in their love lives who have not been honest with themselves about what they really want because it scares them. Because if I was really honest with myself about what I want, then I'd have to make some harder decisions now.

So I'm going to your books. You have two? Total? Get the Guy and Love Life.

Yeah, Get the Guy Came Out over 10 years ago now, and that was kind of my take on a very practical approach to going out there and finding love. And then I wrote Love Life, which just came out this year. And that's a deeper book about what gets in the way of us finding love and what happens to us on the journey to finding love that can make life hard.

Okay, I have questions from both. So let's see. What's the biggest mistake people make when they're looking for love? This is from your in regards to your first book, because I know you talked about it.

Oh, man. Whether I give the same answer, I don't know.

I.

I imagine in that book, I probably talked about.

No, I'd rather actually get my modern answer latest.

What's the biggest mistake people make?

Because, you know, people can be love desperate and when you're love desperate, you're love drunk, intoxicated. I think everything is nice or you cover the flags with flowers.

Yeah. I think people aren't. People don't date according to what is actually going to make them happy. They date according to what satisfies their ego or what feels good in the moment. or what is familiar, but they don't listen to the part of themselves that says this person's not... they don't actually work for you. They don't truly care about you or they're very selfish. They don't think about you. They aren't a great teammate to you. They're not really investing. in you. You know that this person, or in some cases, you know, work with people every day who are like, they say that they really like me, but I only hear from them once a week, and yet they're still pining after this person. But this person makes them miserable. What I say is we have to Reorient our focus away from how we feel about someone onto how that person makes us feel.

Again, reorienting.

We have to stop asking how do I feel about this person? And start asking how does this person make me feel? When I say how do I feel about this person? I go, oh my God, they're so attractive. They're so charismatic. They're so sexy. They have this, they have that. We talk about all of the wonderful things we see in that person. But that person can make you miserable. You can feel anxious all the time. You can never feel good enough. You can feel completely unseen because it's all about them and there's no space for you. Or they never ask you questions about yourself. So, you know, we date based on how we feel about someone, but not necessarily based on how someone makes us.

Feel. I like that. What else do we have for you, Matthew? What's the biggest misconception women have about men?

That they're not sensitive.

Nice. That's true.

That they. That they don't feel things the same way that women do. You know, there's actually a bit of a misconception among a lot of women that. that I've heard and witnessed where.

If.

A woman does to a man what she doesn't like when it's done to her, it doesn't hurt his feelings the way it hurts her when it happens to her. You know, if he just fades, then that's really, really painful. If she just fades, He's a guy. He's fine. Like he's the men don't. Men are incredibly sensitive. And I think a lot of women never see that side of men. So they don't.

Don't forget, Matthew, men, like there was this whole research on how parents treated daughters differently than sons. So, your daughter falls and scratches her and you're like, oh baby, are you okay? The boy comes and they're like, get up, it's fine, you're okay.

Yeah.

How dismissive. Okay, he's crying. Both human beings were crying because they're in pain. One is dismissed, one is cuddled. So you multiply that by years. As men, a lot of us are not educated or allowed to express or shamed for expressing, like, oh, you know, you're a man, shut up.

I mean, I remember, I remember in my early 20s being heartbroken over something and a guy, a friend of mine at the time, I just, he asked me how I was doing. He didn't mean about the breakup. He just said like, Hey, how you doing? And I was like, I'm really, to be honest with you, I'm like struggling. you know, this ended and I feel rough and whatever, and he just goes, grow up, mate.

Exactly.

He didn't miss a beat. That was the first thing out of his mouth.

That's him saying, I don't want to listen to your vulnerability at all.

And I'm not comfortable with my own. Yeah. It, you know, it's what a lot of people don't forget is that men, some men are lucky enough to have very emotionally articulate male friends. And I have surrounded myself with men like that as an adult. I'm sure you have too. Like, I don't have friends who are not emotionally articulate. You know, maybe a couple, but not like people who I'm really close to.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

A lot of men, maybe most men, don't have that.

I agree.

They don't have men that they can go to. So, it's not just that they're not confessing their feelings or their vulnerabilities to women. They're not doing it anywhere.

I don't think they even are familiar with that language.

Yes.

No, I don't think so.

Thank you so much for watching the video as always. If you're finishing this video with more questions, which is often the case, you know, you may be thinking of a very specific scenario that you're in right now that you really feel like you want me to weigh in on. I have a way that you can do that right now, literally, where you can get my answer in the next 60 seconds. Go over to askmh.com because we have a brand new tool called Matthew AI where you can speak your question and you can take as long as you want and give as many details and as much context as you want and you will hear my voice answering your question. It is extraordinary how sophisticated this is. It's trained on 17 years of my content, so you're not just getting any answer, you're getting my answer to your specific challenge. If you're in pain, especially right now, I promise you that by the end of your conversation with Matthew AI, you are going to feel a lot better than you do right now. So go to askmh.com and you can try it out. You can try it out for free, by the way, so there's no cost just to trying it. And let me know how you get on. I'll see you in the next video. Be well and love life.