Why the Best People Fall for Emotionally Unavailable Partners | Matt Monday

One day she said to her mum, It's weird. He's so nice to me. Her mum replied, that's how it's supposed to be. You're kind, you show up, you care. Yet somehow you constantly end up with people who just can't give you the same. In this video, I want to show you why that keeps happening and how to finally break free from this pattern. This pattern where even if people say the right things, when it's time to be there in the ways that count, they disappear. And because you're not sure where you stand, you swing between euphoria when they call and anxiety when they don't. You lose sleep, your appetite, your ability to think clearly. It feels like love, but it costs you your peace. Eventually, you manage to pull yourself away. You tell yourself that next time you want someone who's steady, kind, someone who knows how to show up. Then that person arrives and suddenly you feel nothing. No spark, no urgency, just a quiet, dull sense of meh. So what do you do? You go back to the one who makes you feel alive and horrible all over again. Why? Why do the best people, the thoughtful, emotionally intelligent, self-aware people, fall for partners who never meet them halfway. Let's talk about the five hidden reasons behind this cycle and how you can break it. The first is the scarcity mindset. Imagine you're at a party, hoping to meet someone amazing. You talk to a few people, but nothing really clicks. And as the party goes on, you start to wonder, am I being too picky? Then you see someone you were talking to earlier leaving the party with another person and you begin to wonder if they were more interesting than you gave them credit for when you spoke to them. You think, maybe someone else saw what I missed. Time passes, the room thins out, all of your friends pair off. Suddenly, it feels like the party is ending and you're still alone. You panic. So you grab onto whoever's left, not because they're right, but because they're there. See, scarcity tricks us into thinking this is all there is. So we start feeling grateful for any good feeling, even when it's mixed with anxiety or disrespect. You think, At least I feel something. But something isn't love. It's often fear dressed up as connection. Now, the second reason we fall for emotionally unavailable partners is familiarity. Imagine a dolphin that's lived its entire life in a tank. It's learned to do tricks in order to get fed. One day that dolphin is released into the ocean, but it doesn't know how to survive there. So it still looks to humans for food and it still spins and leaps hoping that someone will toss it a fish. Is the dolphin broken? No, it just doesn't know any different. The skills that kept it fed in captivity don't work in the wild. The same is true for us. When our relationship history has conditioned us to equate love with inconsistency, drama, or withholding, we keep responding to these behaviors while performing the same old tricks we learned to get the love we can, even when we're finally free to choose something else. It's not necessarily that we lack self-worth, it's just what we know. And that's what makes it tricky. You might meet someone who is kind, stable, emotionally generous, and actually feel disoriented, even bored. A friend of mine, Lucy, used to date a toxic partner. After letting him go, she met someone wonderful. One day she said to her mum, It's weird. He's so nice to me. Her mum replied, That's how it's supposed to be. When what's good for us is unfamiliar, it can take time to adjust to it. In the beginning, our nervous system craves the highs and lows it's used to. Sometimes in life, we have to actively choose what feels strange at first until what is healthy becomes familiar. And that's a process. It takes sitting in discomfort without running. That's what transformation actually looks like. It doesn't feel magical, it feels awkward, uncertain, and quiet at first. By the way, if this video is speaking to you so far, I encourage you to subscribe. This channel isn't just videos, it's a journey with people who want a better love life and a better life. If that's you, hit subscribe and join what I believe is one of the loveliest communities on the internet. The third reason the best people fall for emotionally unavailable partners is because of what I call the wall. Formula One driver Mario Andretti once said, Don't look at the wall. Your car goes where your eyes go. That quote is profoundly important because in life and in love, many of us spend our time staring straight at the wall. The wall is whatever we fear most. Betrayal, rejection, humiliation, abandonment. We become fixated on spotting the danger signs. Hypoaware, hypervigilant. And we say it's self-protection. But what we don't realize is that our focus is actually steering us. The more we stare at the wall, the more likely we are to hit it. Sometimes we're not reacting to reality, we're reacting to what our nervous system expects to happen. Take this example: A woman I worked with had just started dating someone who, by her own account, had been decent, kind, and consistent. One weekend, he had a small get-together for friends from work and didn't invite her. He didn't lie about it; he just didn't think it was a big deal. But it triggered something in her. She felt rejected, unimportant. So her fears kicked in. and she texted him, why didn't you invite me? Now, he responded kindly and said he'd love to talk later. She then replied, Don't bother. Every day that he respected that boundary and didn't call, just like she told him, only confirmed her worst fears, that he didn't care and that she wasn't enough. But it wasn't about him. It was about the wall, a wall she wasn't just watching for, but actively creating. That's how people end up living in a world that doesn't match the experience of people around them. Where others see calm, they feel danger. Where others see love, they see risk. But the most dangerous part is that when we stare at the wall for long enough, we don't even realize it's a wall anymore. Our wall becomes our world. The fourth reason we attract emotionally unavailable partners is because of our preset level. The hard truth is this: we accept the love we think we deserve, and we rarely believe we deserve more than what we've already had in life. Our past sets our level. We think if more were available to me, I'd have had it. So by definition, this must be all I'm worth. If you grew up having to work for love, you may feel uncomfortable receiving it freely. If love always came with anger, neglect, or betrayal, you may only feel safe to be loved now when love comes with a catch. To accept something better, you don't have to just want it. You have to feel worthy of it. and that's harder than it sounds because getting more than we're used to can feel inherently unsafe. We get scared we won't be able to hold onto something better when we find it or that we'll be found out for who we really are, the essence of imposter syndrome. There is actually a twisted sense of safety in getting less. The fifth reason we attract emotionally unavailable partners is because it feels good. Sometimes. The initial butterflies, the text after silence, the surge of oxytocin when someone finally chooses you after making you wait. That's not just attraction, that's addiction. We become addicted to the cycle. Dopamine from the highs, adrenaline from the chase, and then cortisol becomes the background noise that we forget isn't normal. The danger is it seems too valuable to pass on because in unstable relationships, even a little tenderness or validation releases oxytocin, which deepens attachment, even if the overall dynamic is harmful. That's a big part of why people stay. The connection feels real, even when the safety isn't. And when friends or family see us not being taken seriously by somebody, It's easy to tell them it's just a bit of fun. We casually say, We're just seeing where it goes. But beneath that indifference is fear, scarcity, and the sinking feeling that this might be all we're capable or worthy of getting. One of my YouTube subscribers, Sarah, once wrote, if I didn't date the wrong guys, I'd still be single. It's better than nothing. At least it's more fun than enduring complete and utter loneliness. and who could blame her? When the right person feels like a fantasy, even chaos can feel like a connection worth holding onto. At least it's someone. But what if that's not the truth? What if settling has just been a coping mechanism for a story that needs rewriting, no matter what age you are? And what if there's a way, not fluffy, not wishful thinking, but practical, to actually break the cycle and start living a different love story? That's exactly why I'm running a free live event this May called Dating Made Simple, the no nonsense approach to finding love in 2025 without settling for less. In it, I'm going to show you the number one mistake that keeps people stuck in casual situationships, how to spot time wasters and attract people who are dating with intention, what to say and do to build momentum with someone without losing yourself, and the psychology of why people pull away and how to keep them engaged and excited about you. Over 10,000 people will be attending this event from all over the world, all of whom are going to walk away with a clear, grounded plan for love. Not someday, but now. It is completely free. It's on May the 20th and I promise if this video spoke to you, this event was made for you. Go to lovelifetraining.com to sign up now and please pass on the link to anybody you know who perhaps like you isn't ready to give up on this aspect of their happiness because the love we want begins where the old wiring ends and the relationship you deserve won't be found by accident. It will be created on purpose. I will see you on May the 20th.