Why The WRONG Guys Always Approach You

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By the way, can we not sound like podcasters, please?

What does a podcast sound like?

Okay, so I guess we're live.

Hello and welcome back to Love Life with Matthew Hussey. I am actually not Matthew Hussey. My name's Stephen Hussey. I am Matthew's brother.

I am Matthew Hussey.

And I'm sat with the big man himself, Matthew Hussey, in the room, and we're back on the air airwaves at last.

Technically you are the bigger man, just for reference.

If we're going by sheer mass, then yes, I am the bigger man. I'm sat here with my brother and we are back on this podcast for the first time in several years.

I think it's been three years since the last podcast and we have been inundated for three years with requests to begin again the podcast.

Yeah, I think it's fair to say it's been a hot topic for a long time. When, if ever, is the podcast coming back? And Matt's been sheepish, I think it's fair to say.

Stubborn is another good word for it.

Stubborn as a mule. And I think I've finally talked him into getting this baby rolling again.

So, what Steve said basically is, 'cause I, look, when I do something I wanna do it well. Jamison and I are very focused on creating beautiful videos for you guys. And Stephen came to me and said, listen, you're putting all of this effort into making these great videos, addressing these really important issues, and there are people that want to listen and don't want to watch the video. So then you came to me with the idea of you hosting the podcast.

Yeah, I'm a man who loves popping headphones in my ears on the treadmill, on the train, getting a coffee, and I thought, Why isn't my brother in my ears right now?

So you're gonna listen to the podcast?

So this is my solution. I'm making the podcast I want to have.

The thing that we wanted to do with this podcast was to bring you bite-sized versions of things that can help you, not just in your love life, but also in your life in general. We called the podcast Love Life originally because it's not just about your love life, it's about your love for life. It's about loving life. So we're gonna bring you lots of bite-sized moments and ideas and things that can be just very practical and useful for your life. And Stephen is gonna be the one who's hosting that and bringing you these moments.

I'm gonna be the maestro, baby. At last, I'm gonna be conducting this lovely orchestra with a symphony of Matthew Hussey.

And many of you know Stephen already, he needs no introduction, but I will do so anyway because I'm very proud of my brother.

You're a sweet man.

My brother Stephen, who sits with me now, co-wrote the Get the Guy book with me that was a New York Times bestseller. And that's me bigging you up, not even bigging myself up. We have co-written so much of the content together over the years that we put out there, both on stage and through our videos. He's a PhD. You're a doctor.

I am.

Not the kind that if you're on a plane and someone gets ill and then someone on the plane says, I need, we need a doctor. You shouldn't go over there.

No, please don't do that. I am a doctor of philosophy and you're referred to as a date doctor regularly. So both are accomplished in our own fields.

Don't label me a date doctor. I'm just not, no, let's not, I don't want that to catch on. So should we get started?

Yeah, let's dive right in. Today we are looking at a classic problem which is why it feels like it's never the guys you actually want that are approaching you. This is, I think it's fair to say, a question we get very often from women and we are gonna jump into a live clip of Matt talking on this right now. Check it out.

How many of you have ever been guilty of this? In some form or another, you said, if a guy hasn't got the balls to come and approach me, that's not the sort of guy I want anyway. How many of us said a version of that? You're crazy. And I'll tell you why. I'm just gonna give it to you straight. If us guys approached every woman we were attracted to, We wouldn't have jobs. It's all we would be doing. So the idea that if a guy doesn't come up to me, I'm just not interested in him, is ridiculous. Guys out of 30 women that they might be attracted to, maybe will approach one. Maybe we'll approach one. Maybe we'll find the right moment with one of them. And here's what I mean by the right moment. A moment which he feels is easy.

Enough to do something.

Every other moment, the moment it presents too many hurdles, he doesn't do it. You're with a big group of friends, not gonna do it. You're in a rush and you have that look on your face like, I'm just getting my coffee and I gotta get to work because I'm in a meeting and I got this stuff and I got this stuff and I gotta go and I gotta go. Text, text, text. Oh my God, so many things. Yeah, I'm coming, Jake, I'm coming. He ain't coming up to you then. She looks busy, she'll fucking kill me. He sees you walking along the street in the daytime, most guys won't approach you then, you know why? Because they're worried that they'll look creepy if they do. Really would love to talk to her, maybe I'll look creepy if I try. Don't want to do anything. But women, what they often do is they say, oh no, but that's not true. Guys do come up to me like that. Yeah, 1%. 1% of men, and it's always the loudest guy in the room. It's the loudest guy in the room or the loudest guy on the street, and of course that guy is the one you always meet. Of course it is.

I always meet players.

Of course they're the ones who approach you. Players are the ones that are good at that. They're the ones that do approach you. So if you're hanging back and waiting for guys to do it, of course you only meet players. Of course you only meet the loudest guy in the room. Of course you only meet that cocky guy who doesn't actually give you anything more. Of course, because 10 minutes later he's doing it with the next person. Tomorrow night he's doing it with the next person. Not true in all cases, but certainly in many. With these guys, they're trying to find the right moment. So, my friends, it's not about you making the move per se, it's about you giving him a license to make the move. Because if you're the one in 30 that makes it easy, you're the one he's coming up to. You're the one he's going to try with. Don't be easy, but in the first five seconds, be easy.

How many times have you seen a woman, Steve, and thought, I'd really like to go over there and then you didn't?

More than I can count on these two hands, brother.

And that's just in the last week.

Well, don't put words in my mouth. But yeah, it happens all the time and guys are always missing chances all the time. And how many women would love to meet those lovely men?

Yeah.

And of course, the responsibility is on men too. I don't, the whole point of this is not to let men off the hook and to say men should never be brave and men shouldn't at least try. But there are conditions that make it much easier for a guy to try. And that's where so much of the advice that we've talked about, especially early on, you know, when we first started, so much of the advice was about how to just create more interactions. 'Cause I've talked about this, like people are like atoms, right? And atoms, you just, you need to get those atoms colliding, right? Sometimes when they collide, they just bounce off of each other. But other times they fuse. But you have to collide enough times for two atoms to stick together. And we just are atoms that are not colliding enough, especially in the world today. And so, so much of this is Okay, how do I make it easier that my atom collides with that atom over there?

Sometimes the atom just needs to give a cheeky little smile.

Cheeky little smile, more eye contact than you think is normal. You know, like, I was literally just talking about this today with a friend of ours, Aubrey Marcus, and we were literally talking about how people, you know, it's scary for guys. And even when you get one look, one look, you don't necessarily think that means she's into me.

Right?

Even two looks, you're still like, well, what if I go over there? What if I'm wrong? So it's three looks, four looks, five looks. Like, keep looking over, because that's the thing that might. That extra, that fifth look might be the courage he needs.

Yeah.

To come over.

Yeah. And the. After doing this for so long, I still am amazed how many women we speak. who genuinely think that any confident, successful guy is A, approaching loads of women all the time and B, finds it completely easy.

I mean, I know how untrue that is from how many successful, attractive, eligible men I know who are not waltzing up to every woman that they think is attractive. So eye contact, more than you think you need to. Smiling, like you said, you know, eye contact with a smile is that much more effective. It doesn't have to be a big cheesy grin, but just flashing someone a smile that lets them know, yes, I am looking at you. Getting close to someone, it's so we talked about this a lot in our programs. It's so much easier for someone to speak to you if you're close to them.

Mm-.

All right. Just the logistics of, oh, I'm looking at him. Yeah, but you're across the room. It's so hard for a guy to walk across the room and say something because now he's got to walk all the way back to where he can. It's so obvious that he made a beeline for you. That's hard.

Yeah.

Right.

Whereas if you're just standing next to him, it's so easy for him to just turn his head and say hello.

Yeah, for sure.

So getting proximity to someone. And then lastly, I think just saying something instead of nothing, like anything you say. is a form of a green light for someone to begin a conversation with you.

Yeah, I went to get a coffee this morning and the barista, she just went, what are you reading today, Steve? Like, how held my book in my hand. Yeah, like it was so I would have just been in getting coffee mode.

Yep.

But she just took me out of that mode. And I love that thing you said, like the key line there about, you know, be easy in the first 10, 5, 10 seconds. I think you can still be a challenge in so many ways later. Still have high standards, but easy at the start is the way to get attention. The right kind of attention.

Yeah, you'll get approached much more and you'll have many more opportunities if you make yourself approachable. You don't need to be doing the approaching necessarily, but you do have to make yourself approachable. And we need to expand our definition of what makes us approachable. It's not just looking at someone from across the room. Sometimes being more approachable is just saying something.

Yeah.

Doesn't have to, like, I remember yawning in a Starbucks and someone looking at me and going, Long day. And just her saying, Long day, I really, oh, I'm gonna speak to this person. You know, so it doesn't, it's not rocket science. It doesn't have to be a lot. It can be something that he can ignore just as easily. and that's okay. But just saying something that gives us that green light to say, it's okay for you to talk to me. So for anyone out there listening right now, go have a great day today, interact with people, go bounce off of some other atoms, see what sticks.

And if you wanna carry on the discussion, you can send us an email at podcast@matthewhussie.com I will be sifting through reading those. Maybe on a future episode we'll read out some emails.

Send some topics you'd like to do. Funny stories?

Yeah.

Stories of success?

Absolutely.

Anything that you think in your story could help other people? Because I think that's going to be a lot of fun. Actually reading out some letters from people. I think that's going to be really cool. And since this is our first episode back, it would mean the world to us if you would Leave us a little review. We have been off the air, so to speak, for the last three years. And we want to raise awareness for this and we want it to help more people. So if you're enjoying it, come leave us a review. We'd massively appreciate it.

And many more to come very soon. So stay tuned and hit subscribe. Are we out for today, Matt? Go and get a little Friday night, I don't know, pizza.

I think we're actually getting grilled meat at a Japanese place tonight.

Okay.

Not to be too specific, but I believe that is what we're doing. And in this place, you can dip it in, melt, you grill it in front of you, you know, it's on the table. They put a pot of cheese on there and you can dip the meat in It's like a, you know, but it's not like fondue cheese. It's like just cheeseburger cheese. Oh my Lord.

Yeah, it's really made up. It's dark. I can't tell if he's making this up or not. Dark. I'll find out.

It's Dr. Stephen Hussey signing out. Thank you so much. Your prescription has been administered. That's not gonna be our time. I'll let you know now that is not gonna be how you end this show. I see the blog sites. Ooky Wook got a new wife.

Shorty got a new boo.

Yeah, love beautiful. I'm looking for love.