Why They Act Interested, Then Disappear... (The REAL Reason)

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Well, we're back with another Love Life episode with me, Matthew Hussey, Stephen Hussey, and Audrey Hussey.

Hello, friends.

Hello, everyone.

We're excited to be back. We've got a great episode lined up. We're going to be talking about why people pull away after great dates. Why is it you can go on a date, it feels like it went well, All the signs pointed to the two of you having a good time. And then nothing. Complete anti-climax. So we're going to talk about some of the reasons why that happens. We have a poll that we put out on Instagram that we're going to be talking about in relation to this subject. We're going to be reading some lovely Love Life Listener comments that have come in. And we've been really enjoying the fact that more of you are emailing us podcast@matthewhussie.com More of you are leaving comments under our Spotify episodes on YouTube. It's lovely. So thank you so, so much. We have a Love Life Line question from one of our dear listeners, Paula. A brand new segment of Steve's Sleeves.

I'll roll them up right now.

Fully bought into Steve's Sleeves now is Stephen. And of course, if you are one of our Love Life members, we have all sorts of wonderful things coming up, including Coach Check-Ins with Audrey. You're gonna be working with all of our Love Life members on May the 2nd. I am gonna be doing a live session with everyone answering questions bringing on live callers on May the 9th. Stephen is May the 16th. And then we have Audrey again on the 28th of the month. Of course, all of the programs, courses for every stage of dating, attraction, confidence, building, heartbreak are all inside the Love Life membership. So do check that out. If you're not a member already, go to join love life.com to become a member today. It is the only place where we are as a team live coaching people every single Month.

Matthew.

Yes, Stephen.

Before we begin, just a quick question. I am speaking someone right now. It's going great. I just wondered if you could give me three kinds of text that will keep the attraction going.

That's amazing. I would say the first kind of text.

If you can just give me bullet points, that's fine.

I'm sorry?

Just bullets.

Okay. Text 1: the callback, when you remember something from...

So, can you just make it shorter?

Okay, when you remember something from the date... You know what?

In fact, just send me an exact script of the text to my phone.

Steven, I'm not Matthew AI.

Oh, oh, this is awkward. I'm sorry, you look a lot like him.

Yeah, well, I sound like him, he talks like me, he has my accent, has all of my content from the last 20 years.

Sorry, I'm just used to him being so helpful. he'll just answer any dating question I have anytime and no waffle.

And he's super affordable, which is great.

Well, that's great.

Yeah.

So have you been having lots of conversations with Matthew AI?

I just find him very simple.

So what you're saying is with Matthew AI, you can hear me talk about all of the things that you're interested in with none of the things you're.

Sorry, could you just make it shorter?

Okay, well, this is as short as I can make it. If you or anyone else want to try Matthew AI, you can go to ask mh.com and try it out for free. You can ask any question you want about texting, about dating, about confidence.

Definitely you should make that shorter.

About breakups, you name it. Whatever is the biggest question on your mind right now, you can ask Matthew A I, which if Stephen's anything to go by is increasingly preferable to me.

Go check him out. He's lovely.

Askmh.Com so we had a comment from Janet on the flirting episode we did recently who said, saying the word hot from a man 60 years old and older gives me pause. It sounds very juvenile to me, not a word grown men should use. The sexual connotation is giving the wrong vibe, in my opinion. It's a turn off to me. I am curious about this because I think when we give ideas of things to say, the psychology behind it is the most important part, undoubtedly. But I always want to challenge people when they say, I would never use that word or I wouldn't like it if that word was used with me because words give different flavours to things. So if you say someone looks beautiful, that's very different to you look hot right now.

Yeah, or you look sexy tonight.

That was really sexy. I'm curious, Janet, if sexy is a word that works for you. Because I would argue that we do have to have words that distinguish from the kind of elegant, you look so attractive, or you look so beautiful, and the very sexually charged language that is actually really, really appropriate at certain points when you're flirting with someone.

Yeah, and I kind of don't think there's any age where it doesn't matter to have some sexual flavour to your language.

No, so if you're not going to use the word hot, I'm trying to think of what other words there are. If you're not going to use the word hot, you need another word.

Ravishing.

Spicy.

Scrumptumptious.

Sultry.

Scrumptumptious.

Oh yeah. I don't know why I let that one slide.

That's what Willy Wonka might say if he was flirting.

This exchange reminds me of the text in the video we just did on texting this Sunday, where I gave a text that I've given many times in the past But every time I give this text out, it's always divisive. There's always people who get it and then there's the people who hate it and they're like, I would never send that. And the text goes, I keep thinking about you and last night, it's annoying. And then you put a little smirking emoji. And every time I give this text, there is someone who says, I would never send that. That is like, so rude to somebody. I wouldn't want to tell someone I like that they're annoying or it's annoying me. And it's always interesting to me because when someone says that partly, I'm like, that's an indication that you're not flirting enough that this makes you feel uncomfortable because this is just a playful message.

Yeah.

What I also can read from that is that you may not be receiving it well when people are flirting with you. Because if someone said that to you, what you're really saying when you say, that's rude, I would never say that to someone, is you would find it rude if someone was playful for you with you in that way. So you're not just saying, like, I'm not comfortable flirting in these slightly like boundary pushing ways that are a little bit edgy, but you're also telling me, I won't receive it well if someone does this with me. And that's, then I'm noticing, oh, you're, so you're, if someone flirts with you in these ways, you're going to neutralize it or take offense to it instead of running with the joke.

It's being in a very logical head space, which is not helpful when you want to free flow and flirt.

Because you could say, instead, if you were in a playful state when you received that from someone, you could respond with, well, then you should know you've been annoying me all day. Yes.

Right.

That's flirting. But saying I would be offended by that or whatever, it would get stuck in these patterns. Now, I'm not saying you're getting stuck, Janet. You may just not like the word hot from a man over 60, which is perfectly reasonable. But you've got to have a word for something that strays into the sexual, not just words that stay in that, like, classy, you know. Silver Knives and Forks realm.

Restraint, pride and prejudice form of flirting.

Exactly. So we are today talking about why it is that we can go on a great date and then someone pulls away. So we have a poll that we put out to our audience on this, and the results are very interesting, but Before we do, I want to say for the last 17 years of my life, you, Stephen, know this better than anybody, the questions that have come through, the volume of questions from people saying, I just don't know why I didn't get the call. I don't know why the date went well, and then all of a sudden nothing happened. And then people are playing detective on it suggests that they are truly bewildered as to what's going on. But then we had a poll where we asked people themselves, like, why didn't you go on a second date? Maybe you're confused about why other people aren't going on a second date with you when it seems like you had a great time. But why aren't you going on a second date with other people? What were the results of that poll?

Well, overwhelmingly, the majority said it was because they didn't feel a spark at 56%. the second largest was compatibility issues such as job, lifestyle, etc. 23%. We then had not over our ex at 12% and the last one was at 9% not ready to commit.

That is a huge result for Didn't Feel a Spark. I thought compatibility would be higher. I thought a lot of people would just say, oh, I just didn't think we saw eye to eye on certain values or they didn't have the same level of kindness I care about or ambition, but a lot of people just seem to be like, I just, there's not enough attraction.

I think if you find someone attractive and sexy, you don't care about compatibility on the first date.

That is truth, Audrey. That is truth.

I think the compatibility one, compatibility is more likely to come up as a reason why you didn't go on a second date if you're being highly intentional. I think for people who are being really intentional, they see certain things in a person or the way they speak and they just go, oh, this probably isn't going to work. You travel all the time. I don't really love your values. Or there's, those things are very apparent to people who are very tuned in to the kind of thing they're looking for and are being very intentional about having a relationship that's going to work. Most people are not being intentional, even when they say they are. To your point, Audrey, most people, it's enough that they just feel like they're having a great time. Someone is entertaining, they find them hot. That's enough to get them to the second date.

You don't want the same things as me? Challenge accepted.

Yes, it's more like compatibility will be the reason someone didn't commit. or wasn't willing to take it further. So is that why people just flake then? Do you think people just flake because they just go, ah, I didn't it wasn't enough. Like, I don't even want to kiss this person or I don't want to sleep with them or something.

And do you think it's different for men and women?

I think that there's a lot of guys who will go on a second date to hook up. Not all, but a lot. will go on a second date to hook up because they think someone is sexy.

They.

There's an attraction there. Even if they look at someone and they're like, yeah, I. I. You're not for me. I don't think that this would work. Or you're not someone I want to be in a relationship with. I think a lot of guys will go on that second date.

Those rascals.

As long as there's, like, no yikes moment. It's like, if someone is sexy, fun and no yikes moment.

Like, what would be like a Yikes moment? Like alarm bells like, this person's gonna ruin my life. Right.

Or there's something scary they said, something intense.

Got it.

Like, this is gonna go really badly.

Other than that, if there's no scary moment, they might hook up with someone.

They might hook up, yeah.

And therefore have another date.

Absolute pigs, all of you.

Why are you lumping us in?

Good point.

You're men, aren't you?

Rude.

Tell us about women. If they go on a date and they think someone is hot, but there's, you know, no deeper compatibility, are they still going on another date with that guy?

I think you have to define compatibility. I think if you go on a date with someone and they're really handsome and attractive, but you don't have a lot of fun with them, for instance, because they're maybe not, I don't know, they're just not as fun as the kind of people you want to date, or they're not as charismatic, or they're not as confident or things like that. I think you then will go, that almost amounts to not having a spark, even though they can be really physically attractive. That happens a lot. I think that if you meet a guy and you feel so attracted to them, you think they're amazing, and then they're like, yeah, I'm not really sure I'm looking for a relationship. I think a lot of women will just go, well, I don't really meet people I like, so I'm just going to stick this out and see where it goes because maybe they'll change their mind. And then I think there's the other side of it, which is if somebody's on a date and someone is clearly unkind or shows themselves to have really, really different values from you, I think that can also become a turn off. if it's sort of to the extreme that you're like, oh, I just don't really like that kind of person. But I think if it's compatibility on those more superficial levels, women are more likely to be like, I'm gonna. I mean, I'm massively kind of lumping all women in one. But I do think this is the pattern I've seen in my life, my friends lives, and just observed through 35 years of existing. I think there's much more of a, like, I will change him.

Why do we think it's so, there's such a huge gap between the simplicity in our own lives when we're asked, why didn't you go on a second date? And 56% said, I didn't feel a spark. And the complications that we attribute to when someone else doesn't want to go on a second date with us.

I think we have something where we don't think about the other person's perspective on what they want and what is it? Everything that's going on in their life. And some people will just be charming and nice on a first date. So you think that went well. They will flirt. Maybe they do think you're kind of cute or whatever. They flirt like, yeah, and many of us will have done this. You'll be on a date and be charming and that. But you might be thinking, I'm not. I'm not that into this or I'm not. maybe I'm not attracted enough, but I'm kind of being my charming self because I want to impress. And we have a natural instinct to want to impress on a date. People still want to win the other person's attention, even if they don't want to go further. And I think we just don't put ourselves in that perspective so we can go home thinking, oh, that went really well. But you. You just don't know a where that person's head is at. Some people literally go on a date. and get back with an ex like a week after. Some people go on a date just to test the water. Some people are looking for something really specific and they might have kind of liked you, but they may have just got some sense that this wasn't the exact kind of person I was looking for. People have very specific tastes. So I think we just take this way, way too personally.

But you know, you said something super, super interesting, I think, which is the experience that people have where they will have a great date, which is kind of the question of this episode, right? Like, why do you not hear from them after a great date? And I think that's the piece that's really difficult for people to wrap their heads around because when you're asking people, why didn't you go on that second date? If they didn't feel a spark, it's very easy for them to identify that that's why, because they didn't feel like they had a great date. But it's difficult when your experience is that you're having a great date. And the instinct isn't to think maybe they weren't having a great day either. Maybe they were just pretending to just go along with it and, you know, enjoying the evening and just making the best of it. Instead they go, we go, I should say, you know, oh my God, it's because, like, I don't understand because this was such a great connection that we had.

We had such an amazing connection.

Exactly. So I think it's really important what you said and I think it really does come down to like, the experience that the other person gives you on a date as well.

Which is, yeah, and look, that just boils down to this truth that I think a lot of us do forget, that it's more fun to be on a date where someone really likes you. It's more fun to be on a date where you're impressing someone. It's more fun to be on a date where you're having fun and having great conversation and it feels fun and flirty. And not everyone can, like, of course, there's a kind of person we can go on a date with where we feel absolutely nothing. And then it might be for most people, it's really hard to, like, conjure up a great date in that situation. But if you're feeling, like, attracted enough, even though you're already thinking, I probably won't see this person again, a lot of people in those circumstances will just put on a great performance. because that's what's gonna make the next two hours or the next hour the most fun. There's an egoic element of still wanting that person to think you're great. So that does result in a lot of confusion. And I suppose what comfort can we offer people? Because that feels like a very disorienting realization that so wait, now, now what? You're saying that great dates Don't mean anything. Like what? Then what means anything? If I go on a bad date, it's bad. And if I go on a great date, it still doesn't mean anything. So how do I continue through this process enjoyably knowing that?

I think for me, it's take first dates a lot less seriously. Getting a first date is almost like, it's like hanging your coat at the door and taking a look around. the house you're looking at. It's like you're just seeing, like feeling out, especially these days, first dates are often when people met for the first time. They didn't, you know, they often met on an app and then went on a first date. So it's like the very first meeting you're having. And I think a little bit that people are projecting too much when they say that was such an amazing date. In a way, I'm way more interested how the second and third date is going like, and what happens in between the first and second date? Because I, I know from experience first dates can be so fickle. Like, sometimes they tip in your direction, the person's excited, sometimes they just don't. And it Fizzles out. It just. Other things happen. People get busy. So I think you have to take a first date, like, bring down the temperature on what it means. Do you know what I mean? Because you don't know them that well. You don't know enough to say, like, we fit so well together. What happened? Maybe you don't. Maybe you are. Maybe you do just have great conversation, but you get down to it and actually you'll find out you're both really different or you have different values.

And when people say we fit so well together, there's always an enormous amount of Pro projection in that. There's an enormous amount of sort of superficial connections that you're making in your mind. It's like someone can say that they're into these quirky movies that you're into, and all of a sudden your brain lights up and says, oh my God, no one's ever into those movies, and this person is into those movies. And I've never met someone who is into these things that I'm into, and that must mean something, but it might not mean anything. Yeah. There's lots of people who like what you like, who are the worst. Like it doesn't, it doesn't really mean anything. And we've, we, because we're, we're a biased judge, we want, we want to find love. So we are so tuned in to anything that could feel like that. And then we come away with a whole bunch of evidence to say, see, look how connected we are. But there's no real depth to it at that stage, even if it turns into something of depth. 'Cause I'm just, I'm not just talking about times when it's wrong. I'm saying even when it's right, the depth isn't there in the same way on the first date as it will be on the 50th date or the 100th date. What are, I'm curious for each of you if there's something that's safe for for air, there is a reason why you didn't go on a second date with somebody.

I think oversharing is a big one. I think people confuse connecting and oversharing all the time. And it's kind of like this sort of like intensity that people almost, it becomes this artificial sort of connection that tries to almost fast track and burn through all the stages. Because if you're on the first date or second date, you don't need to tell everybody your life story and, like, the deepest, darkest secrets, your insecurities, your this stories about your exes. You also don't need to be trying to kind of dig and prod at them to try and find out those things about them. It's just not really an appropriate thing to do. I think you can go deep on subjects, but, you know, a lot of people kind of, they try to go very deep, very quickly by oversharing and being very intense, and I think that can be quite a turn off. And in some cases it even feels like a red flag, I think.

Is it a red flag because it says something, it's almost like manipulative vulnerability or manipulative oversharing?

No, I think it's just, or not.

Being too like spilling it all out there and not having anything that's sacred or private.

Yeah, I think, well, I don't want to make people feel bad who do this because I've done this in my life. So it's really no, It's not a criticism. It's just I think it, I think oversharing comes from a place of not understanding that there's a big difference between kind of being vulnerable and allowing somebody to see the parts of you that are not the kind of polished, perfect parts of you, which actually is very attractive. It's almost like not having a boundary with yourself, if that makes sense. It's almost like, you know, when people say, I'm an open book, I tell everyone everything about myself, A lot of the time that comes from a people-pleasing tendency of almost being like, you know, almost like there's nothing hidden about me and I'm just this open book and I just share everything and if you can't accept that, then you're not the right person for me. But actually, it almost, I don't, I think it comes from a place within ourselves of not having processed certain things and we kind of lead with that.

And a kind of lack of discernment of who should I share this with?

Yeah, of course, exactly. And I think we lead with it in almost a kind of like it becomes part of our identity a little bit.

That's what I was gonna say. I also think it sometimes is a reflection of what we're spending all of our time thinking about.

Yes, that's so true.

In the same way that someone who works all day and night and never does anything else, a complete workaholic, it's like goes on a date and someone's like, so how are you doing? What have you been up to this week? And what's going? And they're like, meetings, you know, like they've got nothing to say outside of the work context.

I think I'm like that with my friends. I'm like, all I talk about is work.

Well, we're probably both a little bit like that.

I wouldn't imagine you on a date would do that, Audrey. I think I have dated.

I agree. You wouldn't do that.

I think I have dated people before, at least one or two people who puts a lot of identity in their work, maybe even ego, and there's like an ego battle of, how busy I am and how dedicated I am. And it, some people like, it's like they over index on ambition and success, and you're like, I'm kind of losing attraction because this is your only shtick.

And it's the same thing with someone who's, who's done a ton of therapy. They can over index on therapy talk because that's where they've spent so much time in the last year or two years, so. they firstly, they speak a language that other people don't necessarily speak because they're using therapeutic terms and are fluent in this language of healing and personal growth and trauma and all of these things. So they sort of use language that other people don't connect with or relate to. It's like just we have to be cognizant of the fact that just because somebody hasn't lived the same life as us, or doesn't have all of the same interests or hasn't read the same books. That doesn't mean that they're not valuable to us as a partner. It doesn't mean they don't have it. Our world isn't going to be expanded by that person being in our lives. But we go in with the language that we're really familiar with. And then, you know, someone who's talked about their trauma in therapy for the last year, all of a sudden shows up on a date and starts talking. about that. Like, it's normal to just go and share all of these things about yourself that quickly. And it's. And that person hasn't earned the right to be in that space yet.

So it's intense.

It's very intense. And I think sometimes it's just a reflection of, like, this is what I've been spending all of my time thinking about, which is not. We're not broadening ourselves out past those.

Intensity is scary in general.

I think there's a really interesting point in all of this, which is you never know what behaviors are turning people off. You never know kind of what opportunities you're losing through certain behaviors that you're displaying. Because for instance, if you are somebody who's like that and is intense, to your point, Stephen, like, that's scary. But if you meet another intense person, you might get on really well. But then if you, what you're looking for is somebody who isn't who is necessarily intense, who is kind of more level-headed and you're actually looking for that to compliment you because you know that potentially you struggle with certain things and you need someone who can kind of bring you down to a more neutral level. You might turn that person off by being really intense and actually attract the intense people you're trying to repel. So I think you have to be really careful with like, yeah, just what your behavior is attracting and repelling unconsciously.

Yeah.

Do you have any weird things or unique things that have made you not go on another date with someone?

Yeah, what's your story, Audrey?

Mine. I was trying to think about this. Mine are really embarrassing and nothing to do with the other person, everything to do with me. I once dated somebody for like two or three dates and he was like, perfect on paper is how you would describe him. He was actually a really lovely, great person. But I was going through a phase in my life where I was just kind of looking for more like, just like, like bad boys, like just kind of like, I don't know, edgy guys a little bit. And I remember like, almost just being, getting the almost the ick because of like how nice and normal and great he was. And he was very like, he was like a real grown up, you know, in his like, mid-20s and I was like, that's really unattractive that he's, like, such a grown-up I just, I don't want that. It's very embarrassing to admit that you.

Wanted a sexy, starving artist today.

I don't, I was just, I was just, yeah, just attracted to the wrong things.

But it's in that, that's interesting because it, I, I almost want to add on your behalf there that, because that, that, what you just said lends a lot of credence to the whole, you know, like, women just don't care about when guys are actually good guys and they just go after guys who are not great and who behave badly and treat them badly and whatever. But it's. It's something that you like. That was a phase for you.

Well, no, this is what I was going to say. At that phase, I was probably oversharing on dates, probably being intense. I hadn't really worked out. I was fairly, my 20s were quite a turbulent time and I was fairly kind of like in free fall for a lot of my mid 20s and early 20s. And I think what I was attracted to was just a reflection of how I was feeling about myself. And yeah, it's absolutely the case that I ended up fairly quickly actually, I'd say it didn't take me a decade to work this out, but I was like, oh, this is not where my happiness this is at. And I need to, you know, as I started to fix and work through and kind of really attend to all of the things that were going on within myself, I started to get very turned off by the very things I used to, you know, be attracted to.

I, it's almost off-center to what we're talking about today, but I think it's just worth drawing attention to because there will be plenty of guys. Like, I think what we're seeing out there a lot right now is guys who feel very embittered by the fact that, you know, women don't seem to want an actual good guy. They seem to sort of overlook those guys and go straight for guys who act more primitive and. And treat them worse. And that's the kind of, you know, that's the frustration for so many men. It's like I'm. When I'm a good guy, I get overlooked. But the reason I want to pick up on that for you is that that was also a reflection of a time in your life where you like, you know, I mean this with love, but you were a lot less of a catch then than you are today because, no, in the same way that I, I five, ten years ago was a lot less of a catch as than I am today. And the reason is because that was coming from a wound in you. It was coming from a of emotional immaturity. And it, I think it's important for guys to hear that because I think the problem, the reason so many people, so many guys right now are unhappy or feeling really resentful, is that they stay focused on that version of that woman. And, and by the way, it's no secret that many women never grow out of that. And then The guys who feel like that's what women are like feel very validated by the fact that that's what women are like. But the truth is, there are absolutely women who grow out of that. And that makes them better catches at the time that they've grown out of that. I kind of highlight this because I want to draw more attention to, for guys, especially listening to this podcast, I want to draw more attention to the fact that your focus should be on the kinds of women who have actually evolved to a point where they no longer feel that that's the mark of an attractive man that they're looking for. That's no longer the mark of a man's value. Yeah.

I also think you reject more people for superficial reasons when you haven't accepted yourself. And I think for you know, you could be just too well-rounded, you know, too available emotionally, too straightforward and too kind. And that's just a turn off to that person. But you shouldn't not be those things just because that person is not ready to receive those qualities.

No, and it, it, what I like is that it demonstrates that emotional unavailability is exists on the female side as well as it on the male side. Men get a really bad rap for being emotionally unavailable. But the kind of woman you're talking about in a whole, in a, in a way that is unique to a lot of women, is emotionally unavailable herself, you know, in a certain way.

What's yours? What's your date story?

I, I was in my 20s. Like probably mid-20s and I didn't, at the time, I didn't go on a date with someone again, partly because on the date she was talking about her pet rats. And I was- Rats are so cute! Well, this is the thing. I mentioned this to David earlier, and he was... David was... you were appalled, weren't you?

Yeah. I agree.

I still am.

In my defense...

There is no defense.

I hadn't seen the video you showed me today of the cutest thing, the cutest route I've ever seen: eating spaghetti.

We don't normally do this on the podcast, but because I'm a little more behind the scenes, Let's put that little rat right here.

It's really, really adorable, and I have to say, I feel changed.

So in this moment with this woman, this is... Sorry, this is like the same revelation of change that Audrey had, discovering that consistency of communication is now important to her, as you're having now, and discovering rats are adorable.

Yeah, I would put those two things on par.

So when you heard she had a rat, is it a pet thing? Is it she's too attached to the rat?

Plural.

Okay. Or is it just you don't like rats? Did it say something about the person to you?

Okay, let me go on the journey here of what, like, at the time, if you'd have asked me, I would have said, I'm not, like, I didn't want someone who had a pet anyway, 'cause it just felt like a lot. to be with someone who had a pet, and then there's, you know, whatever. It just felt like another thing. We're already learning about my issues at the time, you know? Like, I just didn't want anything that could be, like, more stress, more of a headache, more of a this.

I think. I think you envisioned, and I think this happens sometimes when you realize you're not compatible with someone, they say one thing, and you envisioned the next. 20 years with the rat person.

Walking the rats.

And you thought there's gonna be other exotic pets. There's gonna be a lot of time spent, you know, if she's already got the rats, what's next? I think you... I think you envisioned a whole life that you just thought, that's not for me.

I... Mate, that's possibly true. I... You know, like I said, at the time it was very literal to me. I just walked away and I went, I don't think that this will go any further. And I attached that to sort of the idea of, well, I don't know if a person who's got, you know, like rats in their room at home is for me. But now I look back on it, and by the way, I was wrong. It's not, she wasn't wrong. Like, I was the one who was wrong. because she was just doing her. And as I've, like I said, David, I'm a changed man. They're adorable. That's, that was just something that meant something to her. And she was talking about something that meant something to her. I was the judgmental on the date who had decided, like, ah, this is a reason why this person isn't for me. But when I look back now, I can see the way I did that on 50 different dates. And my point is we say no for all sorts of stupid reasons. And those stupid reasons are generally a reflection of some kind of either a standard or a very specific idea we've created in our head. Which by the way is so specific in ways we don't even know. Do you know what I mean? I couldn't have anticipated that like that would be the thing that would be a reason to say no. I didn't in my specific version of someone I was choosing, I didn't say someone who doesn't have rats. But that came along and it was like, ah, doesn't that doesn't fit with my like vision of who I think I'm gonna be with or the person for me or whatever. And we do that in a thousand different ways. and I have for sure become a person who doesn't, I'm so much more open today than I have ever been. And I think of like all of the ways that we get hurt in our lives by someone not wanting to see us again. And sometimes it would feel like the feedback would be helpful. And maybe in some cases that's true, the feedback would be helpful. like, if we have a body odor problem that is fixable, it would probably be helpful at some point in our lives if someone pulled us aside and said, hey, I, I say this with love as someone who cares about you. I think that this is affecting you in your life. I think it's affecting your opportunities. I think it's affecting you in love. That would be a thing that would actually be helpful. But if everyone was honest with us all the time about why they didn't go on another date with us, we'd get an enormous amount feedback that was not useful. Like, if I had been the guy who gave that feedback the day after the date and said it was because you talked about the rats, and she then went away and said, I shouldn't own rats. I should.

I. Yeah, you're the problem, not her.

I was the problem. That's my whole point. But she shouldn't. That would be. That would be feedback that. That wouldn't be helpful to her. And it would actually be very sad and dangerous if she took that on as, like, something she needed to change.

I would argue, tell me if you don't agree, you have got so much more accepting of other people since you have learned to accept yourself more.

I think that's true, Matt.

But I think it's true in everybody. Like that was the pattern I went through. And I'm only saying that because I really, I actually saw you go on that same journey with my own eyes. But I think that that judgment of other people and the expectation of pressure we We say like this person needs to be like that. They need to have this and whatever. It really, it usually is because we are so unkind and unaccepting of ourselves that we expect other people to be perfect. And if they're not perfect, we're revolted. But that's because we, we just haven't accepted ourselves. And the more you accept yourself, the more you actually end up opening up your pool of people to choose from. Because you start to see all the awesome ways in which people, all the ways in which people are awesome. Like, the rat queen is awesome, and you couldn't see that at the time because you were too judgmental about her because you were too judgmental about you.

It's no different from high school, when you suspect that you might not be cool, or as cool as you would like to be. And when that's the case, you have one of two ways you can go. You can either embrace that the way you are and lean into it and be with all of the interesting people around you who don't fit into some stereotype of call and make that your community and accept yourself. Or you can do what so many people do, which is hate yourself for what you perceive to be your lack of coolness and try to align yourself with as many cool people as possible so that you can try and disguise yourself among the cool people and feel like you're one of them. And what's. And then not be around these people over here who you suspect are a little too much like you and go, I don't want to be around them. They're gonna. They're like. that's gonna infect me with more of what I don't want in myself.

I'm gonna get found out.

I'm gonna get found out. This is gonna be like, so I think that we carry that over into dating so much. We have contempt for people who in some way remind us of the parts of ourselves we don't like or want to hide or are trying to get away from.

Yeah, the people in life who are most judgmental of other people's failures can't stand failure themselves. Like they're the first ones to point at other people and mock them if they fail. They have a very, usually very bad relationship with failing.

So there you have it. That is why they didn't call for a second date is because they suck, not because of you.

Well, if you have a story about a situation where you look back on a date and you think, God, I was so silly for rejecting that person on those grounds. Or maybe you have your own version of the stories we've told. We'd love to hear them. Podcast@matthewhussie.com how have you changed in your assessment of people? And do you have a story of being on the other side of it where first date went well and you didn't hear from someone? And has there been any kind of closure or feeling you've got from this particular episode that you want to share with us? We would love to read them. Again, that email address is podcast@matthewhussie.com, we'll be reading a couple in the next episode. By the way, Audrey, there was someone, Sophie, who wrote under the episode about how to overcome your biggest dating insecurities. That was episode 289. for people who want to go and listen to it. She said, I loved this episode and particularly wanted to say thank you to Audrey for speaking about her hair loss experience. It's something I'm currently dealing with and it has triggered a lot of fear around being desirable enough or even being able to date at all. I feel a lot less alone from hearing your perspective.

Sophie, thank you so much for writing in and I'm really, really glad that it resonated with you. It's really, really difficult. There are very few things as difficult and anxiety inducing as losing your hair. And so I really understand and I'm really glad that it made you feel less alone.

Lovely. Thank you, Sophie.

Next up, we have Love Life Line, where one of our Love Life members sent in a voice note. This one is from the lovely Paula, producer David.

I met with a guy on Thursday. We've been texting quite short on a dating app and I actually liked the fact that he asked very early on. And it went well and I was away on the weekend and I was flirtatiously very naturally prompting a second date. and despite the fact that he's quite busy with his work, he was watching Black Mirror the whole Saturday afternoon and he still hasn't suggested anything. So yesterday I said, well, I am leaving in a couple of days, so if you want to grab that ramen that we've been talking about, I would love to. And he said that he actually leaving even earlier. But if I'm free tomorrow, he's up for it. And I said, well, I have plans already because it was late evening. So my interest is dropping. Any advice?

I. Firstly, Paula, I was gonna say to you, I think the fact that you reached out and said, you know, I'm. I'm leaving in a couple of days, so if you want to go and get that ramen, I'd love to. I think that's really lovely and vulnerable. And it's not a, I like the fact that you weren't playing any sort of a game with that.

Yeah, I like that.

A lot of people are like, oh, I've already said I wanted to hang out. He sat at home watching Black Mirror all of Saturday, even though, you know, he talks about how busy he is with his work and how he has no time. You know, I would have thought if he had any time, he would have wanted to see me. But you didn't let your ego get in the way of you saying, I'm, I'm not around in a couple of days, so I'd love to do that. I think that was a really, really good move. It sounds positive that he then said, I'm leaving sooner than I thought, but Sunday could work. Like, why don't we.