Why You Should Stop Thinking They’re “The One That Got Away” | Rewind

Walking around thinking about someone as the one that got away but that person chose not to be with us is a kind of delusion Foreign welcome to the Love Live Podcast. It's me, Matthew Hussey. Enjoy this classic clip from our archives. And if you want to let me know what you think or how this podcast is helping you, don't forget to leave me a review on itunes under the Love Life Podcast. Enjoy. So many situations simply fall into someone choosing not to make it work. I know you want to make it work, but I'm choosing not to. Now, if someone's choosing not to, we have to ask, why are they choosing not to? Because in so many instances, someone is choosing not to make it work because they do not feel the same way about this relationship that we do. They don't feel like this relationship is something that they're willing to do whatever it takes for. They don't feel that it's worth fighting for beyond the current circumstances. And this is a painful thing for anyone to hear when we're hearing that, well, the other person didn't want to make it work as much as we did, but it's actually very powerful to hear that when we hear they didn't want to make it work as much as us. Instead of there's this obstacle that has made it impossible for me and this person who were supposed to be together to be together. When we hear that, that's a kind of existential cosmic pain. What's supposed to be cannot be because of this obstacle. But instead, if we orient our focus to the fact that someone has chosen not to be with us because the feelings aren't the same, that can actually be an antidote to our heartbreak. There was a line that I came across recently from a book called My Year of Rest and Relaxation, which I think is by Otissa Moshfe. I'm not sure if I'm saying that name correctly, so forgive me if I'm not. The line was rejection, I have found, can be the only antidote to delusion. I find that line particularly relevant in this situation because walking around thinking about someone as the one that got away but that person chose not to be with us is a kind of delusion. And when we can process that this person didn't want to be with us or decided they couldn't be with us not because circumstances were too difficult, but because they didn't feel the same way about the relationship as us. Which doesn't mean they didn't have feelings. Which doesn't mean that at times the relationship wasn't important to them. It doesn't mean that you didn't have amazing moments together. It means that your standard for sticking together is not one that they have themselves, that they are not willing to prize this relationship above the obstacle that is being experienced. So there is a kind of delusion in thinking that this person is the one, because the one would value the relationship on the same level you do. They would stick it out in the same way that you would choose to. When we can see what someone has done as a reflection of their feelings towards the relationship and us, instead of some kind of victim like reaction to circumstances, it's actually easier to separate because although it remains painful, although it can be, it can feel like a rejection. Wow, they didn't feel the same way I did. That hurts on its own. That rejection is actually easier to bear than going through life thinking that were it not for that obstacle, we would be together because we are meant to, to be together. Now, some of you may say, well, what about the situation where the obstacle is too big? What about the obstacle? What about the situation where we are really great together, but there genuinely is some giant obstacle that is just too big for this person to surmount in that situation. And we could have extremes like someone is so far away and so unable to see us physically because of the distance that they decide it's too difficult. That would be an example of the obstacle is legitimate and it's just too big. Well, even if we said that's true, it's just too big. In a. In a sense, what that person is telling you is a happy relationship is not possible here. That. Let's take the concussion. Let's say that the pain this person is in is so profound every day that she has no interest in being in a relationship. She cannot. She does not have the bandwidth for it. She doesn't have the inclination towards a relationship. She genuinely has nothing to give to a relationship. What she is saying in that case is that a happy relationship is not possible. And it doesn't matter if we think a happy relationship is possible. Even if he said, I know you can be in ultimate pain every day, all day, every day, and I will happily give up my job to be your carer, to be there for you, to do whatever it takes, and I will be happy with that job. This is. Well, firstly, I would question whether that's even true, because I don't believe that that is true. I believe that that's just kind of a thing we tell ourselves. No, no matter how bad it gets, I'LL still be happy. I don't believe it. But secondly, the kind of happiness being described there, which is you'll ultimately be miserable, but I will be happy because I still am with you. That's not love. That's just trying to access a feeling. That's just trying to feel something. I just want to feel good by knowing that I still have you. But that's not a relationship. That's not love. That's just the craving of a feeling. And the. When I think of the one who got away. And what that implies. What it implies is a true relationship of love. A true relationship relationship of people who come together to. To be there for each other, to care about each other's happiness. Well, in the thought experiment where she's in pain, ultimate pain, all day, every day and doesn't want to be in this relationship, has nothing to give to, it is only. Her life is only made worse by having one more thing to worry about in having a relationship and thinking about someone that she wants to make happy but can't. In that scenario, being with him won't make her happy, even if it makes him happy. But if we genuinely claim to want a relationship, not a feeling, then expecting someone to be unhappy with us so that we can feel something is not that. It's just a selfish act. So we have to ask ourselves, what is it I actually am looking for? If I'm looking for genuine love? If I'm looking for a real relationship? A real relationship, a beautiful relationship, has to be defined as a relationship where two people can be happy together. And if someone is saying to you and they're telling the truth, which they often aren't, by the way, often someone is saying that there is an obstacle that means you can't be together. And that's not the real reason. The obstacle is just a scapegoat. It's the easy thing to go to so that I don't have to say I don't want to be with you enough so I can use this obstacle. And you might find that if it wasn't that obstacle, it would have been a different obstacle. Because the real story is I don't want to be in this relationship enough to do difficult things to be in it. And that's useful to know. Once you know that, you know that they don't feel the same way as you. And why would you want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't feel the same way as you? That's it for today, everyone. Before you go, big news. I have a date for our live retreat in Florida this October. It is going to be from the 9th to the 15th of that month. We're going to be spending six days together working on your biggest challenges in life. I can't wait to see you there. Go to mhretreat.com to apply now.