Will People Still Love You If You Stop Putting Them First? | Rewind

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Well, we, uh, put a post out on Instagram. Would you call yourself a people pleaser? And we ask them to leave a comment below and describe how that shows up in their lives, um, if they relate to that statement.

I love it.

Stephanie says it sometimes shows up as being inauthentic with how I actually feel 'in order to make everyone around me feel comfortable and content, but it doesn't do any favors on my self-worth and inner connection.' And somebody called Sarah made a very similar point, which I'm going to read out because I feel like, you know, we can answer both of them at the same time. Sarah says, 'It stops me from being honest and sharing my true thoughts and feelings due to the feeling that I will disappoint people or cause conflict.

Yeah, I can relate to both of those. Almost part of me is like, I don't want to create a bad thing for everyone or create a problem or have someone think, oh no, Steve's upset, you know? Because I think in a way it's like, I'll feel bad that I've made them feel bad. I would argue, Steve, and correct me if I'm wrong, but I would argue that that's a— it's, I don't want to upset people because I don't like how it makes me feel when other people are upset. Right, right. So then there's like a— it's worth almost assessing our relationship with other people being upset and where does it come from? Why, why does it upset me or why does it distress me when other people are upset? Is it because— and I think the answers to those questions get really interesting because once you just follow them to their logical conclusions, I actually think you arrive in much more a much more empowering place. The problem is we don't follow them to their logical conclusions in the right way. So if you say, I'm afraid someone's going to be upset with me because they'll no longer love me, then you can follow that to its logical conclusion and go, well, if me disagreeing with someone means they don't love me anymore, then that relationship isn't nearly as valuable as I think it is in the first place. And if it's not nearly as valuable as I think it is, then I, I'm, I'm— my upset is misplaced. Or we come to the conclusion that, oh no, this relationship is robust and this person can be upset with me and we make up. In fact, we have— they have been upset with me before and we make up. Or we could follow the logical conclusion that if they're upset, it's because they're learning a hard truth about themselves. But learning a hard truth about themselves actually is the thing that's gonna allow them to improve. Anytime I've ever had to learn a hard truth about myself, it's given me a genuine opportunity to grow and improve. But when people around me who love me deny me a hard truth about myself, cuz they don't wanna hurt my feelings, they're actually denying me the opportunity to grow. So that conflict actually is a form of kindness in helping that other person to grow. I think what's— what happens though is if we have learned at certain points in our lives that, that being around someone and pointing something out just does more harm than good, if we have learned that all it does is make our lives more difficult and that that person doesn't change and maybe just puts it back on us and nothing shifts, then we begin to think we don't have any power in the situation and that anything we do is only going to make our lives worse, not better. And I think when we learn that lesson around certain key people, then we develop that instinct to either mold myself to the situation to keep the peace, or just remove myself so that I can keep my peace while not having to stay in the situation, which makes it impossible for me to stay unruffled.

I think it's super important to note where people pleasing comes from for the most part. And I was in a session recently with somebody who really, really suffers from the fact that she's a people pleaser and as a result doesn't have a lot of boundaries. Doesn't know how to say no and stand her ground. And, you know, it was really clear from speaking with her that it came from— it was a behavior learned from childhood that had kept her safe. And people pleasing tends to come from childhood, teenage years, traumatic events where we have learned that if we make sure that we are agreeable, and pandering to people around us, we will feel safe and loved and accepted. We can feel resentful of people pleasing, but it's really important to remember that it is, for the most part, it tends to be a behavior that's, that's, you know, we've learned along the way to keep ourselves safe. So trying to unlearn it, we have to be a bit compassionate with ourselves for how difficult that is because it's really counterintuitive to our survival when we're trying to do something like that.

I agree, I agree, I agree, I agree, I agree, I agree, I agree. I want everyone to know that I agree. And I think, Audrey, it's always important that, you know, you, you always come in with this, uh, preternatural beautiful compassion that is the basis of self-acceptance and grace and understanding why we are the way we are, and to not blame ourselves for that. It's really important because if you're coming— if you're starting anything from a place of incredible— of huge amounts of blame, then it's hard to even do the things that would lift you out of that situation because you're taking all of your energy and directing it at self-hatred. And self-loathing instead of moving forward. So the— that realization and that compassion for what may have contributed to you being this way in life is essential to the self-acceptance that provides the foundation for growth. I do, however—

good way of saying but—

I do, however, feel it's extremely important that the— you know, Jurassic Park, Dr. Hammond says, "I don't blame people for their mistakes, but I do ask that they pay for them." Now, I always found that line really interesting because we don't and shouldn't have to sit here constantly blaming ourselves. For things. It's not productive. But in a sense, we, we unfortunately, we do all have to pay the price for the things that we do, for the behaviors that we have. No one can argue that's not true. We all pay the price for the way that we are. If you're a people pleaser, regardless of whether it's your— you were the original one to blame for why You're a people pleaser. You're the one who's paying the price through all of the consequences in your life that you're experiencing right now. You're not getting promoted. You're not getting the recognition that you deserve. You're not getting treated the way that you should be in your relationship. You're not getting respect from people. People aren't changing around you in appropriate ways when they do things wrong. They're not apologizing. All of these things are the price that we pay. For this behavior that we've at some point adopted. So if we're the ones paying the price, we better be the ones to take ownership for changing it, because no one else is going to. Why would anyone else be motivated to own that problem for us? They're not paying the price for it. We are. So we have to own that problem for ourselves and own that responsibility for changing it. And then the next question, obviously, is, well, how do I do that? I've been doing this for so long. This is a hardwired pattern for me that feels so ingrained and so reflexive that it's my go-to any time. I mean, for many people in this situation, and I count myself among them, it's visceral. It's visceral. There's a feeling that you get when there's confrontation. There's a, uh, it creeps into some part of your body. It's very recognizable. You know it when you feel it. It feels like an involuntary biological reaction to, uh, someone yelling or to something not being quite right in the room, or sensing that someone's in need of something. And that's something that we have to break the cycle of. Consistently for us to start making a new pathway. The, the trouble is to make a new pathway like that requires a kind of leap in the first place. It requires us to do something outside of the well-worn groove that we've been doing over and over and over again our whole lives. I think that the phrase that keeps coming up in my mind for this is that you have to at some point decide to live dangerously. And living dangerously is all relative. If you're mad at me and that makes me deeply uncomfortable and I want to fix it. Living dangerously is me not fixing it. That's living dangerously. Living dangerously is I'm gonna take the risk that this relationship is gonna be okay without me fixing this, or that I'm gonna be okay even if this relationship isn't okay. If I'm in a romantic relationship and I'm a people pleaser who's constantly trying to do everything for my partner because I'm worried they won't love me if I don't do everything for them and I don't make myself indispensable with acts of service. Living dangerously is risking that you'll still love me if I don't do this for you this week. Now, in logically, we may know that they'll still be there, but emotionally we don't. And there's a big difference. Emotionally, we don't believe that's true. Our trauma tells us that's not true. This person will disappear. Living dangerously is saying, I'm going to take the risk anyway. I'm going to risk that, that you not liking me right now will continue if I don't do this thing. I'm going to take that leap of faith. And to me, that requires a— it requires a jump off a ledge that we're not used to jumping off of. But I have found in my life that these kinds of, of daredevil experiments reap really interesting rewards and often unexpected rewards. Because when, by the way, you do this and you get the unexpected, someone stays, or God forbid, they actually give you more respect, or you lose a relationship and suddenly you feel more peaceful because you lost a relationship that was robbing you of your peace anyway. It starts to give you reference points, and those reference points start to actually encourage you to do more of that thing. It becomes this kind of— you almost start to get excited about it because you go, whoa, there's this whole other world out there where I don't do this and other possibilities occur. And that I've found that it becomes an exciting addiction once you actually get used to living dangerously in that way. And when you live dangerously enough in that way, it actually starts to become a new form and a higher quality form of safety.

You know, if you start standing up for yourself and being your true authentic self, you will attract— you will repel and sort of eliminate relationships in your life that are one-sided and probably a little bit toxic, actually. I know it's an overused word, but I think that's fair to say.

It's also just important to, to, to say that you'll also be surprised by the relationships that respond well.

Literally what I was going to say, I was going to say you also, the moment you do that, you become a magnet for people who actually respect your true self and respect that, that self and that person who stands up for themselves and go, oh, I really like this person. This person's got a bit of edge to them. They're not going to let me get away with things because it's human nature, you know? And I think it's such an important point to make, regardless of how much of an amazing person you are. We are all constantly pushing the boundaries with everyone in our lives all the time. Some people are more or less aware of this, but we're all doing it. And I think that by having strong boundaries, being true to yourself and calling people out, or, you know, when they're doing something wrong, or speaking up when you're not happy about something and not people pleasing, you do become a magnet for people who respect that authenticity and that truth. And I know that that's something that almost feels counterintuitive. You end up repelling people who just want to walk all over you and have a sort of slave-master relationship and an imbalance in your relationship, whether it be friendship or romantic. And you attract people who are looking for a relationship of equals.. And I think that's one of the most powerful shifts you can make, but it is really difficult. So I have a lot of, you're gonna laugh, but I do have a lot of compassion for, for it.

Here's why I think, don't you wanna know? Don't you wanna know which relationships in your life are founded on mutual respect and a sense of equality of effort? Versus the ones that are only using you and only interested in you for as long as you agree with them? Don't you want to know? I want to know. I want to know who in my life is here because I always please them and who in my life is here because they love me. That's worth knowing. It takes guts to want to know that. But, but I want to know. And the more— the irony, the great irony is that the more you are the person who's willing to find out, the more people love you.

So true.

Because they just want to be around someone with that kind of integrity in life and that kind of courage and that kind of confidence. Thank you so much for listening to this episode. I hope you enjoyed it. Before you go, make sure that you do this one thing today. I promise you that every week you are missing out by not doing what I'm about to say. I send a private email to a group of people who have registered for it every single Friday. The email is called The Three Relationships, and every email is packed with advice on how you can improve in the three core areas of life: your relationship with other people, your relationship with yourself, and your relationship with life itself. People really look forward to this email. It's not the kind of email people skip. People look forward to it in their inbox every Friday. Go over to the3relationships.com to sign up for that email for free. By the way, the 3 in that domain is the number 3, not the word three. So the3relationships.com, and I will see you in your inbox this Friday. Thank you for listening, everyone. I'll see you in the next episode. Be well and love life.

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