Will They Lose Interest After You Sleep Together? | Rewind

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In this video, we're going to talk in very raw ways about when to have sex with someone you're dating, how to have the conversation about sex before having it, and I even give you an exact script for doing that, and how to handle it. If after sex someone disappears. Let's get into it. The decision for so many women about when to have sex with a guy is, uh, fraught with complexity in so many people's minds and potential emotional consequences. If I really like this person, when is the right time to have sex with them? How will I feel if after sex this person goes cold? If they reject me? If they ghost me and just disappear without an explanation, what is that going to do to my self-esteem? Am I going to feel shame? Am I going to feel used? Am I going to feel like a regret that I wish I hadn't done that? Then beyond even knowing that you really like someone, if you have sex with them, do you run the risk of feeling more bonded to them chemically after that? And this, as a result, now I am almost certain to feel like I'm in a more vulnerable place after this. This is a difficult thing for a lot of people who want to enjoy the early stages of dating, want to enjoy the romance of it, the excitement of it, want to enjoy the organic progression of things, but can't help but place a lot of emphasis and importance and even a symbolism around the moment of sex, and then throw into that the idea that so many people feel like, "I've given up power after that act," and you have a recipe for something that feels like a minefield to so many women. I think that this can be made simple. In the sense that any conversations that are happening in your head about what someone's intentions are or what you feel around sex can be and should be in an elegant way aired out loud before going to that place of intimacy with someone.

Why?

Well, firstly, it forces you to be conscious about that act instead of doing it from a place of feeling like you need to or have to because they've been seeing you and they want that, but you're not necessarily ready for it. But in order to keep this person's interest, you feel like you have to, you feel like that's a a next necessary step, it forces you to be conscious about owning it and saying, I'm going to have the conversation about what this means. I'm not just going to be led blindly into this act with someone who wants to do it right now more than I do, or who feels more comfortable doing it right now than I do. But secondly, it acknowledges the possibility— speaking about Sex out loud before doing it with someone acknowledges the possibility that it means something else to somebody else than it does to you. For somebody else, it might be equivalent to a cup of tea, whereas to you it might feel like there is something symbolic and important about this. I wouldn't just do this with anybody, or I wouldn't do this in a situation where I didn't feel like it was a part of a progression in the dynamic in the relationship, it might have a completely different meaning to you. It might be that I know about myself that if I have sex, I'm going to get even more connected to you. But assuming that's true for the other person is an extremely dangerous thing to do, because you might be with someone who absolutely will not get more connected to you via sex. It will not bring you closer to them. It will not make them fall more for you. It will not make them feel more connected or close to you. It won't even create more intimacy for them emotionally and psychologically, even though it will temporarily physically. So having the conversation about how you feel about sex is essential before having sex if sex is going to mean something to you. I'm not talking about a situation where you're just in a very casual mode and you're in that place of, this is just a bit of fun, I don't expect anything of this or from this person afterwards, this is just something that I'm excited to do and it will be it will exist as a fun moment, as an enjoyable moment between us, with— and it doesn't need to be hitched to any other meaning for me or progression, then this video isn't really relevant. You can go and do that. If you know sex is going to mean something to you, either because it has to represent a progression or because you know you're going to feel bad afterwards if someone just disappears then the conversation must be had. Now, the conversation might sound something like this: I like you, and I'm excited about doing that with you, but sex means something to me. And because we haven't known each other that long in the scheme of things, I'm conscious it might not be the same for you, or it might. I don't know that yet because we haven't spoken about it. Anyway, if it seems as though I'm slowing us down, it's not because I don't like you, It's just because I'm not looking for just a hookup, and so I've wanted to give this time for it to develop organically rather than create this really intense feeling that doesn't last. Now, a lot of people won't have this conversation with someone, and the reason that they won't have this conversation with someone is because they don't have the confidence to have this conversation with someone. They're afraid that— well, firstly, they're afraid to speak up about their needs. They're afraid to speak up vulnerably about how they feel about something, right? This is a vulnerable thing. You're talking about what sex means to you. You're also, to, uh, to some extent, tipping your hand that you like someone. It's a vulnerable act. It's an act that may push someone away. It may make them say, oh well, I'm not looking for that, and so I'm gonna back off. And at that point, by the way, we have to realize that that was a good filtration system, that that person wasn't supposed to get through because they clearly did have a different view of what the intention was around this, or what sex means to them. And they realize that you were someone that it was going to come with a depth that they weren't willing to take on, right? So if they leave at that point, by the way, you want to be grateful that they're the kind of person that did leave and didn't lie to you about their intentions in order to still have that intimacy. But it takes having a standard in the first place and owning that standard, and that's something that so many people don't do. I remember years ago doing a campaign around safe sex with a condom brand, and one of the most shocking things to come out of it— and it wasn't even shocking, I suppose— but one of the saddest things to come out of it was how many women didn't feel that they could speak up about demanding that a guy wear a condom if they're to have sex, and how many people didn't speak up because they felt under pressure to let a guy have sex with them without a condom. And something as, as fundamental as safe sex went out of the window because of the unwillingness to have a conversation and enforce a standard. And this is pervasive. This is something that, uh, we see at all stages of a relationship, whether it's after a date or well into a relationship, is the unwillingness to speak up The unwillingness to say what you need, what standard you have, the conditions on which you will proceed or not proceed. This is where the work on people's confidence has to be done, because building our confidence about asking for what we want, about speaking up in terms of what the path has to be for you to continue down it That's at the heart of what is going to lead us to what we want, what is going to lead us away from bad decisions and the consequences of those decisions, what is going to lead us towards the right people and away from the wrong people, and ultimately what is going to get us what we deserve. The truth is about people. Not a lot of people are great liars. They're certainly out there, But most people are great avoiders, not great liars. And avoiders, all they need is for you to not have the conversation so that they don't have to tell you the truth about how they feel about that. I— that I'm not looking for anything serious right now. I don't have to say that. And shame on me if I don't say it. Shame on me if I string you along and don't give you that information. But if you avoid the conversation, then it's far easier for that person to avoid the conversation too and claim ignorance. Now, are there still some people who will lie to you when you have honest conversations with them about what something means? Of course. And to some extent, there's no accounting for people who are great liars, badly intentioned, and will tell us anything we want to hear and even demonstrate any action we need them to demonstrate in order to get what they want. We have to take kind of philosophical stance on that. I believe in a similar way like we would in a relationship. If you like someone and if they're showing you all the right things and you make a conscious decision, I am going to be open to this relationship and I'm going to give it my energy and my generosity and I'm, I'm gonna give it my all, and that person betrays you, that person turns out to not be what they showed they were, then we have to make peace with it and go, I'm still proud of the way that I opened up in that relationship. I'm still proud of what I gave in that relationship. I'm still proud of the decision that I made to move forward and, and be vulnerable, because that's who I want to be. And that one day is going to get me the relationship I've always wanted in the right circumstances with the right person. So I'm not ashamed of that. I'm proud of it, even though it didn't go my way. The same has to be true of sex. I am conscious of the, the ways that sex affects people when it doesn't go their way, and when someone is disrespectful, when someone disappears after sex. I'm conscious, and I want to be ultra compassionate to people who have been in that situation and had their, their feelings and their emotions really played with in a situation like that. But I can't— I can't not take the opportunity to try to instill in everybody watching this that if you own your actions, really own them consciously, going into sex. And what I mean by that is you say, I like this person, I feel respected, I feel safe, and it feels like, you know, I've had the conversation and it feels like this is progressing in an interesting direction. And this person— sex does mean something, or it appears to mean something to this person in the same way it does to me. And therefore, you can say to yourself, I am going into this fully conscious, owning this action and desiring it and feeling really good about it. If then it doesn't go in the direction you might have hoped afterwards, you still have to own that action and feel no shame around it. You stand tall and confident in your power, because sex cannot be your power. The moment you think that sex is your power, you already lost, because then what you're saying is, someone owns my power. If they decide they don't want me after that, or if they ghost me after that, if they do the slow fade after that, then they take my power with them. Your ultimate power is who you are as an individual, what you have to bring to the table in your value, your character, what you represent as an energy in somebody's life. And if someone walked away from you, they lost all of that. You didn't lose your power through sex. You didn't give something up. This is, this is an association I want us to lose. You didn't lose something. What you lost, the only thing you lost, is a person who is not worthy of your energy. That's the only thing you lost. You did not lose your power. You did not give up a piece of you. You gave energy, but you didn't lose anything. You just lost a person that you can be glad you lost. And I don't say this ignorantly. I know that what I'm saying is much harder to do and to feel in practice than it is in the abstract. And that's why I say be aware, be self-aware. If you need to wait longer so that you feel really congruent in what you're doing, wait longer. Have the conversation. These are all smart ways to go into something if you know that thing has significance for you. But also be prepared for the eventuality, always, that this doesn't go my way. And if it doesn't go my way, I haven't lost an ounce of my power, because that wasn't my power in the first place. My power is so much more than that. It transcends any physical act that I could do with anybody. No one can rob me of that. And when you know that, and when you feel that, then you go into this situation owning it, no matter what the outcome is. So be real on the way in, be conscious, own your actions, and don't let anyone, no matter how flippant or disrespectful or disingenuous they are, at the end of it, rob you of your beauty on the way out. It is your greatest asset. Sex is not. Thank you so much for listening to this episode. I hope you enjoyed it. Before you go, make sure that you do this one thing today. I promise you that every week you are missing out by not doing what I'm about to say. I send a private email to a group of people who have registered for it every single Friday. The email is called The Three Relationships, and every email is packed with advice on how you can improve in the three core areas of life: your relationship with other people, your relationship with yourself, and your relationship with life itself. People really look forward to this email. It's not the kind of email people skip. People look forward to it in their inbox. Every Friday. Go over to the3relationships.com to sign up for that email for free. By the way, the 3 in that domain is the number 3, not the word three. So the3relationships.com, and I will see you in your inbox this Friday. Thank you for listening, everyone. I'll see you in the next episode. Be well and love life.

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