You’ll Push Them Away if You Try Too Hard. Do This Instead | Rewind

Support American made tariff free clothing with American Giant. With American Giant, they aren't affected by tariffs because their clothing products never left the U.S. get 20% off your first order when you use promo code STAPLE20@american-giant.com. now I'm not saying he doesn't have marvelous qualities because he could be an incredible gentleman for all I know. But I also know that for you to be feeling this way this soon might be getting ahead of yourself. Hi, Sarah, how are you?

Hi. I am wonderful. I think you're absolutely amazing. This is so cool that I actually get to talk to you.

It's really, it's cool for me too, you know, especially when someone starts with such a wonderful level of energy. What's your question?

Okay, so I haven't seen this guy for about a month and a half now. Initially we kind of hit it off. We got along really, really well. Kind of in my mind he's like my dream guy in person. I mean, he just kind of checked everything off for me. What kind of started to take a turn for the worst was when I told him beforehand, well, I'm going to be gone for about a week. I'm doing some work with a youth retreat for church. I'm a big church girl. But I said I'm not going to really be able to talk to you too much. I will try to whenever I can. So that week I was only able to call him like once or twice. And when I talked to him, he was same as usual, was saying all kinds of wonderful sweet things to me, telling me how much he missed me. But it felt like once I got back, not that our conversations changed, but it seemed like he kind of started pulling away a little bit. And I'm not entirely sure why. I mean, whenever we talk it's great. I mean we conversations don't change. There's a lot of laughter, there's a lot of joking around, a little bit of flirtiness. But he just doesn't really talk to me as much. I'm not really sure how to really grab his attention again.

So I'll tell you one thing that's changed over the course of that month and a half is you've got to like him more and more and more, Right?

Yeah.

And to the extent that in your mind, somewhere in there you're saying this could be my dream guy.

Yeah.

Now I'm gonna ask you a couple of logical questions. Could he possibly have shown you enough about himself for you to know that he could be that great guy, that, that amazing person for You?

I don't know. Just. I'm thinking about. I mean, I guess I haven't really seen every side of him yet.

Have you seen the side of him that's dated you for three months?

No.

Or the side of him that's been in a relationship with you for a year? What you're feeling is a real feeling, but what it's based on isn't necessarily real. Now, I'm not saying he doesn't have marvelous qualities, because he could be an incredible gentleman for all I know. But I also know that for you to be feeling this way this soon might be getting ahead of yourself. Now, there's another thing here. When I was younger, the mistake I always made was I started liking a girl. And then I would try really hard to impress them. I would do everything I could to get them to like me. But here was the problem. The whole time, I was worrying about whether they liked me, and I was analyzing what's going on. Do they like me? Do they not? I was. I was always measuring in benchmarks. Well, they. Well, they said yes to seeing me this weekend, so maybe they do like me. And then I would try and fit into their idea of what I think they would want me to be and try and be that instead of just being me and having fun. All of it started to stunt my personality around that person. And one of the most frustrating things that I experienced growing up was that there were. There were girls that I wasn't attracted to that I was completely silly and. And myself around and didn't care. And those girls always liked me. I would. I would get so much attraction from those girls because they would start saying, like, I like you. I really like you. I think you're an amazing guy. And I would say, this is so annoying, because I want your friend, and you're the one who really likes me. What's the difference? Why can't your friend have your taste in guys? But of course, they didn't necessarily have different tastes is that they were seeing different versions of me. And what I'd be afraid of for you is that this guy that you like sees a different version of you because you really want him to like you. Obviously, you're spending time analyzing what you can do differently, how you can get him to like you or how you can reignite that interest. And what I would say to you is, what would you be doing right now if you had 100 better things to do with your time? If you had a ton of 100.

Better doing all of. All those things?

Absolutely. You'd be doing all of those things, and that would make you really attractive. I actually think what you did in the first week when you said, listen, I got to go away for a week, and I've got to do that. You know, we may only speak at once or twice in that week. That thing you did there was really attractive because what you were saying was, I have my own stuff I got to take care of. I like you. I want to talk to you, but I have to take care of this stuff. That's a very attractive thing that you did, and I want you to carry on in that vein, because I can't guarantee that this guy is going to get attracted to you. But what I can guarantee is if you start behaving like you have better things to do than to worry about whether he likes you, then you have the best possible chance of him liking you. Because as long as you're in that mindset of trying to impress him, of trying to figure out what he wants, it's almost like you're. You're making yourself lower value than he is, and he's not better than you. So don't put him on that pedestal and understand that if he's not into you right now, no amount of trying is going to change that. But what you can do is focus on you upgrading your. Your. Yourself, your life, continuing to do the things that you're passionate about and letting him see that side of you. Because there's nothing sexier than someone who doesn't care ultimately whether you like them or not. There is nothing sexier than that. Now, I'm not saying that you don't like him, but you liking him has nothing to do with you caring about whether he likes you. Does that make sense?

Yeah, that makes.

You know what's funny? I have. I have idols that I really. People I really look up to. And some of them famous, some of them I've never met. And what's funny is, for some of them, I know that if they met me that I was joking about this with a friend the other day. I know that one in particular wouldn't like me. I was like, I know if he met me, he. I really don't think he'd like me. And. But it doesn't matter. He's still a hero of mine. I still love him to pieces, but I know that he probably wouldn't like me because we're so different, and he's. He's just not someone who likes people like me. I'm okay with that. I'm okay with saying, I like this person and I don't give a crap whether he likes me or not. I. I like you regardless. And that's. That's cool. And you can feel the same way about this guy and not care whether he likes you back and say, there's a ton of other guys out there. The one who's actually right for me is gonna want me as much as I want him. So that's really what I'm searching for. But it doesn't stop me from liking you in the process. That level of distance and detachment will make this guy pay far more attention than asking what you can do to get him to pay more attention. Does that make sense?

Yes, that makes perfect sense. See, and this is why I think you're absolutely amazing.

Well, thank you. You've been so delightful to have on the phone, and it's such a wonderful energy. I never, ever, ever lose that. There are so many people that I speak to that when I first start speaking to them, their energy is a thousand times lower than yours. And you can see that they already have this kind of defeated way about them, and you have this beautiful, sprightly, energetic way about you. Don't lose that, okay?

Oh, thank you. You're so sweet.

Thanks for listening, everybody. And before you leave, if you are struggling with commitment right now because you feel like no one wants to commit, or worse, no one wants to commit to you, and you always feel like the person before the person they end up with, I have something for you. It is called from casual to committed. It is a completely training that gives you highly practical, tried and tested advice for not only attracting the right people who are ready, but also doing the right things that make people commit to you. Go check it out right now@get commitment.com. like I said, this is free, but it is incredibly valuable, incredibly helpful, and it will change the way you date. That link again is getcommitment.com. go check it out now and I'll see you in the next episode of Love Life.

Hi, I'm Chris Gethard, and I'm very excited to tell you about Beautiful Anonymous, a podcast where I talk to random people on the phone. I tweet out a phone number. Thousands of people try to call. Talk to one of them. They stay anonymous. I can't hang up. That's all the rules. I never know what's gonna happen. We get serious ones. I've talked with meth dealers on their way to prison. I've talked to people who survived mass shootings. Crazy, funny ones. I talked to a guy with a goose laugh. Somebody who dresses up as a pirate on the weekends. I never know what's gonna happen. It's a great show. Subscribe today. Beautiful. Anonymous.