YOUR Answers to the Most Overrated Things in Relationships

Welcome back, lords and ladies, to the Love Life podcast. I'm in my hometown with my brother Matthew Hussey. I am of course, Steven Hussey. How are you, old friend?

Now Steve, are you gonna in every episode just call people something different? Because you've had pickles, you've had peaches, you've had pears, you've had lords and ladies. I mean, is this the plan every single episode?

It's a fan favorite. It's not a fan favorite. A lot of people message me on Instagram calling themselves pickles. And I love it guys. So I'm here for it. We stan a pickle here on the Love Live podcast.

I don't know that that's popular. I don't think you can say that you've got a handful of messages and it's just a winner.

Can't argue with numbers. So hello everyone and welcome. I've had a COVID jab today so I'm ebullient with relief and ready to start start the very beginning of summer, which is a bit drizzly here in.

England, but there you go. Well, congratulations, Steve, on that. I'm happy for you. Thank you. Mum and dad both had both. They've had both. More importantly, and I'm not saying that because I love you less, but I'm just saying, you know, they've had both their jabs now.

Yes, they have. And that has put me at ease. Yeah, it's been a, it's been a lovely relief after a turbulent year to.

Have that ticked off. And so have you. Sort of as good as it gets, isn't it? It's like now that they're fully jabbed up, it's like, well, that's whatever it is now is what it is. Right. There's not a third super jab.

No, that's true.

Now it's like, that's as good as it gets, which I'll take.

Yeah.

I'm happy.

We're flooded with vaccine in this home. So today what we wanted to do was throw it to you, our listeners, because we put out a post on Instagram to solicit your responses. We asked you what you find to be the most overrated thing in relationships. And this garnered a wealth of responses. Many were fascinating and Matt, I wanted to throw the top ones to you and get your gut reaction, whether you agree Disagree. I'm interested how you're gonna react.

Hmm. Well, do you wanna now, how should we do this? Should you read out the quality? Did you say the question we asked was, what qualities do you think are underrated?

No, we said, what's something you think is overrated in a relationship?

Oh, okay. All right. Yeah, let's okay, let's hear it.

Okay. And I think that's that's an appropriate question because then it starts to hit what some of the cliches are. And where are the cliches right? Where are the cliches wrong?

Very good.

So, one of the biggies was people talking about the idea of combining yourselves into one person. So, Janae said she thinks it's overrated, losing the ability to stay as individuals, thinking that you now have to have the same friends, hobbies, etc. Unfortunately, so many people find out as the relationships develop, the person they fell in love with is no longer the same person because they forget who they were to start with. And someone else said, the youe complete me. Oh, Aaron said, you, complete me mentality, which promotes co-dependence rather than independence. That's just too much pressure to put on someone else.

Yeah. Yeah, it's hard, isn't it? Because we're always, I mean, I agree as a romantic ideal. It's certainly overrated. Not just overrated, but but dangerous and not just dangerous in the sense that we'll lose ourselves, but dangerous in the sense that it is the great killer of attraction. It's a way of neutralizing our partner till they're they're no longer there. They're just a reflection of the the ways that we've shaved all their edges, you know, rounded all their edges. They ceased to become that eclectic mix of things that they were in the beginning, and they're now just sort of a poor rendition of our wants. But our wants we can't even necessarily trust. You know, like we sometimes we want someone to do less of this, do less of that, don't do that. That makes me feel a bit afraid or that makes me feel that. And so we start telling up, we start controlling our partner and telling them what to do and what not to do. But it's not our attraction talking, it's our insecurity talking. And when they listen to everything we say and do everything that we wanted them to do, and now all of a sudden we don't find them attractive, it's because we've, we've done that. we've taken away all of their edge and then blame them for the fact that we're not attracted anymore.

Right.

So we have to be very careful and I do think that it's, I get why, I do truly understand. I mean, my God, I've done it enough in my life. I get why we want to combine ourselves to the point of oblivion. Because it's, well, not only does it feel romantic when we're madly in love, but it also feels safe. We want to feel like you're not going anywhere. You know, we're together no matter what. And of course there's romance in that, but you both things can exist. You can both make a commitment to someone that you're in it for the long haul and maintain those parts of yourself that keep you you. I think interestingly, It's truly helping someone to understand that you're not going anywhere that allows the two of you to do the things that make you independent. Because we fear someone's independence more when we're on shaky ground in the first place, because everything becomes a threat. Everything they do becomes a threat to the relationship. because we don't feel safe in the first place. So I think the key to maintaining independence is to make each other feel safe. Oh, you know, we're in this. We're doing this. We're a team. We're doing this. I'm not going anywhere. You're not going anywhere. As long as like, let's just we you and I are doing this. And if you can make each other feel safe in that, then everything that happens in the middle of someone having their own hobbies or their own friends or their own things they do or whatever doesn't become a threat to that because you feel safe in the first place.

Yeah.

It's not a sign that someone is drifting away. It's not a sign that someone is leaving. And I think what's really important is that when we come back from those activities or those friends or those things that are outside of our partner, when we reinforce to our partner, how much we love them, how much we missed them, how much we couldn't wait to see them, how much we're now ready to enjoy some amazing time with them because we feel like we really need it. You know, it's reminding them you're still safe. You're, you know, we're good. Nothing got affected by that thing that is my thing.

Yeah.

Away from you. What else did they say? What are the other overrated qualities of a relationship? As said by our audience.

Okay, Jessica Olson says, the perfect physique is totally overrated. Was with the guy with the rockstar body, but his gym time and eating schedule took top priority. I'll take the average dad bod any day over the high maintenance muscle man.

Well, what's your view on that, Steve? What do you think?

I can see where, I mean, I'm someone who, you know, you're in great.

Shape, might I say?

Thank you. I mean, these days I like to take care of myself, but I do like to think I have a lot of balance as well. I think the people who go for top tier, top, top physical physique, I think that would be too exhausting for me.

I sometimes get annoyed because I want to and you I think you know this, I want to spend time with you and then you'll be defiant that you're going on one of your long runs and I'll be like, can we do something? And you'll be like, I can't, I'm going on a run.

Oh, but you're making it sound like I'm like Mr. Olympia, but like, I run as a hobby. It's a it's a way I keep myself sane and in shape and I.

Sometimes wish you relaxed into more of a dad bod so that I could spend more time with you.

You lift weights every day.

Not at the expense of time with you, sir. I. Oh. Oh, no. Before you get on that one, every day I invite you to come with me so that we can have quality time even while we're doing that.

Right.

So you won't come on the run with me, but you'll get me to come in the.

Steve, they're really long runs.

Brilliant. Well, yeah, I. I think the physical.

Yeah.

Perfect physique. I think that's. There's so much work in keeping maintaining a. top, top finely tuned body athletes.

You don't want to be with someone with proper, like, proper six pack.

It's just a lot. It's a lot.

Proper six pack.

I've had a six pack and I know it takes a lot of work.

I mean, having guns, having proper guns you can get by, you know, just eating shepherd's pie every night and going to the gym. Like, you can, you can have a few steak and kidney pies a week and, and go to the gym and still have some guns. A six pack is a lifestyle.

You gotta be down for it. Okay, Lisa says flowers. My hubby does tons of little things to make my life better instead. Now, I know instantly that one won't be as popular with a lot of women, 'cause a lot of women do love getting flowers, and I imagine a lot of men don't buy flowers enough for their partner.

Well, but in fairness, she's not to be trusted on this. because what was her name?

Lisa.

Lisa. Lisa's, you know, what she's saying is it doesn't matter because he does really great stuff for me that's not flowers. Do you know what I mean? Like, she's, she's basically saying, look, it'd be nice if he bought me flowers, but honestly, the stuff he does, that's the important stuff, is way more important.

Right.

And that's what I value. But, but I think that She's saying.

When he's got abs that shredded, you don't need to get me flowers.

I don't think it's about the, I don't think he's got abs. I think he's like doing really, he's showing up. He's showing up Steve.

He's doing everything right.

But there are usually, I think for a lot of people when they talk about he never buys me flowers, it's indicative of something bigger. He's not doing all the other things that make her go, you know what? The flowers are not even important. 'Cause look at this man.

He makes me feel loved. Oh, he thinks of me when I'm not there. It's like, does he think of me when I'm not there?

That's... Yeah, he does all these other things that are so much more important than... And maybe actually make me feel the same thing I'd feel if he got me flowers.

Right.

But a lot of people say it bothers them that he doesn't get flowers because it's indicative of the fact that he's not making her feel that in other ways either. She's not feeling thought of. She's not feeling considered. She's not feeling like he's going out of his way to do the things that she would like him to do. And a lot of relationships suffer because someone always gives what they want to give. They don't ever put themselves in the mindset of the person they're with and give what that person would like to receive. You know, we give what's easy for us to give. We give what's comfortable for us to give. And the flowers thing is really just a metaphor for something bigger, isn't it? It's, it doesn't, when he gets her flowers, it doesn't benefit him. He doesn't care about flowers. It's not something that he would naturally, his mind would naturally go to. It's out of his way. It shows that he's giving us something he would never think to get for himself, but he knows her well enough to know it means a lot to her. So he's going to do it for her. It shows a consideration of that person's mind and what matters to them. It's an act of empathy as well as generosity. It's an act of knowing your partner, making them feel known. And flowers don't matter to everybody. Some people don't care about flowers, but the person that does, buying them flowers is not everyone. You could buy yourself flowers. The reason it matters that he buys you flowers is so that you feel seen, so that you feel thought of, so that you feel acknowledged for what you like. You know, if he comes home and he goes, oh, I bought us this delicious steak I'm gonna cook for us. It's like, it's not just an us thing, that one.

You, you like that rib eye though, don't you? Lovely, lovely marbled rib eye.

Yeah, exactly. All right, what's next?

So on Instagram as well, top, top ones. A lot of people said this thing of, you know. So Lady Spencer says, always being around each other. I think healthy relationships include equal amounts of time alone as well as being together. A lot of top comments were on this one of just couples feel pressured to have to merge lives, be around each other too much. And I wonder if in a way that speaks to our time maybe a little or the way that, you know, particularly in the Western world, we expect a certain level of independence, autonomy, and we've gotten, you know, look, even in pandemic and lockdown and all these things, we expect to be able to have a lot of our own greedy time. And we're like, I don't want to just hand over all of that. And, you know, Esther Perel has obviously spoke wonderfully on this conflict between independence and dependence, but, you know, and the need for both in a relationship, the need for comfort and for, you know, distance. But, yeah, it's interesting. That one was popular there as well.

I think that when we what do I want to say? I think that there's a strange thing. Look, we all know that we are sort of walking contradictions a lot of the time. Right? We, you know, a lot of people, when they're with their partner, you know, they think, oh, God, these things are, I need to be getting done. But I'm not getting them done right now because we're together all the time. Or there's things I'm hobbies I'd like to do or things I'd normally be doing that I'm not doing because I'm with this person all the time. And so you sort of then start to crave you almost, whether you would characterize yourself as an avoidant or not, you start to sort of crave that time. You start to want to almost, you become a little avoidant in your attitude and you start looking for that getaway. Even if it's for a day or two just to get your space again, especially if the other person isn't actively providing that space. But then of course, when we're away from someone, we crave that time with them. And you know, where it gets tricky is we want our own space or we want time away, but just the right amount before we start getting insecure that they don't want to see us. Just the right amount that we don't start feeling unloved. like, oh, they don't. I, you know, I needed two days, but they needed four, you know? And I I I was good with the two, but they want. Oh, they're not. They're content with not seeing me for the rest of the week. Yeah, that was more. I got more than I bargained for, you know? So one of the tricky parts about the space thing is that it. It dep, you know, one person's idea of getting space is different. from another person's. So I think that it's. It's. Look, it's things. Certain things we've talked about is making someone feel special. It's making them feel loved even when we're absent from them, you know, still making them feel like I'm excited to see you, still making them feel like you're thinking of them in some way and not to excess, but, you know, enough to let someone know that. you are actually looking forward to the next time you get to be together.

Yeah.

And look, communicating.

Communicating.

Sometimes when we're apart, it's easier to assume certain things about a partner, especially if you're an anxious attachment style. It's easy when you're away from them to start dreaming up all of the ways that they've gone off you. We haven't been together the last three days. Now you start thinking, are they still into me? I don't know if they really like me as much as they did three days ago. I don't know if they do they still love me? I don't know. Do they. Do they feel this about me? We. They haven't really texted me today, and I felt so secure when we were together, and I felt good, and I felt like I was okay. And now that we're apart, I'm starting to worry that they don't. They don't feel that about me. Was it all a lie? Did I imagine it? Did they, you know, so it's. It's about communicating. And I think, I mean, a lot of relationships, so much of it is just about. being able to see what's real.

Yeah.

And what's not real.

Very true. Another one, I'd call these sort of, there's a bundle I'd put together as sort of, you know, living conditions. So Juanita, this had quite a lot of likes. Just said living together, she thinks is overrated, which I thought is funny. Megol said, sharing a bed. I like my space, lol. That's one I've heard some couples have had success through separate beds at night where they sleep. It's weird, I can totally practically see that and I do sleep worse when I'm in a relationship and sharing a bed with someone. I do get less quality sleep because the moving around wakes me up a bit more. It's kind of like a bit more broken sleep. But I know somehow psychologically I would feel uncomfortable going to another room to sleep. It somehow it somehow would make me feel like it's a distant act. But I can totally understand like having a cuddle and then saying, oh, I'll be next door to go and actually sleep.

I just like a cuddle too much.

Yeah, but it gets hot sometimes you're cuddling close.

Open a window, mate.

Do you not do like cuddle for a bit then separate on separate parts of the bed?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, you can't, I mean, you know, spoon for the whole night. It's hard, but, but yeah.

But it's hard psychologically, isn't it, to separate beds? But I do understand.

I get it.

There's one here from Audrey Godwin who says having each other's passcodes is overrated, like you either have trust or you don't. Well Audrey, I wouldn't give someone my passcodes and not because I have some demons to hide, but because something's got to be private and sacred and I don't know, I don't understand these couples where they would need access to each other's inbox and phone messages. I think that's there's something very extreme about that that I would find just total invasion of my privacy.

Well I think that's become trickier because our phone Fonns are no longer just a, the home of our text messages. They are also, I mean, for me at least, my phone is a sort of diary. You know, I write notes to myself.

Me too.

You know, I write thoughts. Sometimes I write, you know, my gratitude journal on my phone. Sometimes I write things I'm struggling with and working on. I, you know, there's some, there's there's private thoughts in there and those are my thoughts. So I think, look, you could say trust is being able to give someone your passcode and trusting that they're not going to go into that diary. You know, like there's, I don't, I have a journal, too. I don't put a lock on that journal. You know, I, my girlfriend could find that journal and decide to, well, I say she could find that journal, she can literally go to that journal on the desk anytime she wants, you know, and. But I trust that she won't because it's my journal, you know, that that's sacred. So that would be a violation for me if she did read that. So I think. I think that we more than ever are afraid of giving up our passcode. I think there's two levels to see it. We get afraid to give up our passcode because there's more information on there than ever on our phones. So there's that. So there's in a way, there's you might argue another level of trust is you give someone your passcode, but you also have a, like you express to that person, hey, you can have my passcode because I got nothing to hide from you, but. There's also parts of my phone that are deeply private to me because they're my thoughts or they're, you know.

Yeah, or private conversations with your family or something.

Well, and to that extent, I don't, I think that someone having your passcode.

Is.

Is a misnomer. I think that it's, it's about the trust that they're not gonna go, digging into, you know, conversations or message or your journal or your private notes, whatever it may be. It shouldn't require a passcode to stop your partner from doing that. And I think that's the important thing. I don't think that the debate should be whether your partner should or shouldn't have your passcode. I think it's about trusting that your partner is not. And by the way, we're not talking about someone. We're not talking about early and dating here, I don't think. you know, we're talking about in well with it, well into a serious relationship where you are very much, you know, your lives are very much combined.

Yeah.

I don't think you should have to hide your phone from someone any more than you would hide anything in the house. But you could still say to someone, you know, with a physical Journal, that that's my journal, and I'd, you know, I. Those are private thoughts and trust that your partner won't read that and I think actually in some ways it's quite lovely that like with my girlfriend at least I find it lovely that I can just leave my journals lying around.

Right.

You know, like I don't because I could just I don't every time I leave the house hide all of the the notes that I write to myself for fear that those are gonna be read I trust her. So I just think that's okay. Like, I'm, I'm not, you know, I can put those things in there because there's trust. So I think in a way that you could argue, even if you're arguing for privacy on your phone, you could still argue for the passcode being something that you have.

Yeah.

I'm not saying it's right. I'm just saying there's an argument that the passcode is actually the red herring.

Right.

Yeah. That it's an, it's distrusting not to give someone your password.

Yeah.

Your passcode for fear that they're gonna go rummaging in the first place.

Another one. Carolina says giving updates of where you are at all times. I understand that one, Carolina. The Brie says celebrating anniversaries every month. Yes, Brie, I agree with you. The over celebrating of milestones and random.

Who'S celebrating anniversaries every month?

I think it's like it's our something anniversary, it's our three date-versary, it's our the anniversary of the time we went and got those cookies or, you know, just the over-celebrating of things. I, well, I think that- Cute little celebrations are fun, but when it's too much of an event every time, it sort of takes away from the, well.

I think you can pick key moment, like if you have a restaurant that you ate in together on your first date.

Yeah.

Like the coordinates of that restaurant can be very beautiful.

Yeah.

A symbol, or the restaurant itself, or the meal that you had that night, you know, cooking someone that meal six months from that moment, or, you know, those things have value. I don't know about arbitrarily just sort of celebrating every month.

Yeah.

I mean, look, better than not celebrating ever.

Yeah, look, mini celebrations are useful. But if there's a lot of pressure around it, it's probably a source of stress.

If it becomes stressful, something's gone wrong.

Yeah.

Okay, so this is one I am not sure on. But it's debatable. JD Salas says, Someone who shares similar interests. Who cares? Similar goals, ambition, yes. But you don't have to like the same music, movies, books, hobbies, etc. Sharing new experiences with another person is what makes it exciting.

I agree with that, but you have to combine that with the quality of curiosity and openness if it's to work.

Agreed. The thing is though, you probably have to share... And my friend George and I were talking about this. You probably have to overlap a bit. on, like, if you never liked the same movies, that would be weird, right? If you totally, everything you loved, they drew a blank on. You probably would think, oh, if you're on a first date and you're reeling off a bunch of films and you're like, I love the Sopranos, I love Lord of the Rings, I love Breaking Bad or whatever, I love Ernest Hemingway, and everything was just like, oh, God. you would think, oh, I don't know if this is gonna work.

I agree. I agree with that. Which is why I say if, if someone is open, like, if someone doesn't know the artists you like and then you play them songs from those albums and they can actually get into some of it. Sure. Then you can still have a good time together.

Yeah. Right.

They don't, doesn't have to become their favorite music, but if they don't mind.

No, and look, some of the favorite films, you may just be like, oh, it's cute. It's nice. It's like, it might not, you know, you might be like, oh, it's, I.

Think that again, common interests is, is a misnomer. I think that's, that's misleading as a concept. I think having a massive disparity in the quality of your taste is a problem.

Right.

I think if you have good taste and they have bad taste, you mean that's harder. That's harder because you can have good taste in music and your musical preferences be different. You can have good taste in movies and your movie preferences be different. You can enjoy different sports. they could both be great sports, but you just enjoy different sports. That's okay. If you're with some, if you have good taste and that person has horrendous taste, like that, I think is, is a more difficult problem because then you're just not understanding each other. Like, I can, I can go somewhere with someone and, and they can talk to me about art. And it may not be my hobby, but I can appreciate why they like it. Oh, I get that this is good. I get that this is interesting. I get, I'm not even saying you have to agree on art. You can have massive disagreement about art. But I'm saying if consistently you're just like, this person just has horrible taste, then I think you have bigger problems.

Yeah, that's interesting.

Yeah.

You know when someone has just bad taste in movies?

Oh, yeah.

It's not that you like different movies, it's that they have bad taste in movies.

And they'll nothing good they enjoy and they love everything trashy and terrible. Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's a problem.

That's hard work.

Because now you can't even introduce me to good movies I wouldn't normally have seen.

Yes, that's an interesting one. There was people saying about sharing relationships on social media, selfies and couple posts to show how in love you are. People thought that was really overrated.

I think I agree with that. Although, although I get the instinct, you know, you feel something. you want to share it and we like sharing things that we're passionate about. I mean look, people share plenty of things that they're passionate about on social media, don't they? That's what, you know, the social media that we laud that we say is more often a better use of it is when people share their passions, not just their, you know, ass.

Yeah.

And you could argue that the person you're in love with is a, that's a passion. You know, the same way that some people, their dog is their passion, you know, or one of their passions and so on.

So it's, it's kind of comparing partners to dogs, but, you know, but I.

Think if it comes down to intentions, doesn't it? I think what gets sickly about the kinds of postings we're talking about is that they often feel like a form of signaling. They're often a form of theater and, and disguise because people, we know, you know, you see those posts from people who are all loved up and, you know, say the most extraordinary things, and then a week later they're broken up. and you go, oh, something, there's some strange thing going on here. You know, what did, was it that you just wanted us to all think you were okay? Because you guys knew you weren't okay.

Yeah, I get a little fearful when anyone does too much couple posting. I always get a little fearful for the relationship.

I think that it can be beautiful as a way of expressing to the world that you really care about this person. And it also can be a beautiful gesture towards that person in the same way that, you know, studies have shown that in companies, the more people, when you want to praise an employee, praise in public.

Yeah.

The more people you praise them in front of, the more significant that is to that person.

So, no, it can be a bit more. It can be a lovely way of saying here, I love this person.

But it's a problem when it's either trying to mask problems in a relationship. or when you as a couple become addicted to the validation you're now getting from people.

Because you look like couple goals. If it's not about an aspirational thing.

Yeah.

If it's not about an expression of love anymore, but a need for validation where it's, I want to, I love, we love sitting and reading all the comments of people telling us how beautiful we are together. That is now you're into ego territory. That's not that's no longer a generous act. It's a it's the ego just finding a new way to get validation.

Yeah, I totally agree. Well, that's great. So, I mean, a lovely one to end it on that sums it up is from Liz, who says, what's overrated is the idea that relationships have to be a certain way or like a cookie cutter shape. EG living arrangements, marriage, kids, how you spend your time together or apart, the list is endless. Whatever works for you as a couple and how you define your relationship is the most important thing and having confidence in that when outside influences threaten to dismantle or question it. And you know, I've always said, it's very well said and I do believe that there isn't in societally culturally there is often an over-prescribing of this is the exact way couples have to be. Whether it is living together, sharing the bed, doing this, this is how much time a couple should spend together, this is how they should be. There are a lot of external pressures on how it looks cosmetically and actually, you know, sometimes for people things that deviate from the norm work well for them. and so I agree with you Liz that people do try and box people into how it should look to everyone else too much. All right, well these were wonderful. Thanks so much for your amazing contributions and this was super fun to discuss. So thank you so much. We will put out more of these questions on social, on Matt's Instagram and Facebook, so follow us there if you don't follow Matthew Hussey on those platforms. So you can be with a chance to be mentioned on these future episodes. And you can also email the podcast at podcast@matthewhussie.com Send us your thoughts, your reflections, your questions. We'd love to hear from you. And that's it.

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Cheers.

Bye-bye.

I see the blog sites.

Ookie wookie got a new wife.

Shorty got a new boo. Yeah, love beautiful. I'm looking for.

Love.

Foreign.