1: Holiday healing

Hello, friends, and welcome to Grief Guts and Green Smoothies. I am your host, Melissa Dugalecki, and I am so excited to be here with you all to chat about ways in which we can all get through different adversities, challenges, and loss and how getting outside of our comfort zone and maybe having a green smoothie or two can help us do so. Where we cover different topics, ranging from interviews to. To recipes to sharing my own stories of my grief journey and the loss of my daughter Laden. And I'm honored to be able to share her light in hopes of helping you spread yours. Now let's dive in. Today we are talking about the holidays and how they are such a joyous and amazing time, certainly. But with that, you know, if we're going through a heartache or struggle or for me, I really understood this in my loss, it can be really challenging. And either is okay, right? Making space for both to exist. If we're experiencing joy in the holidays, we don't have to feel guilty or if we're doing anything wrong. If other people are hurting. Right. We can own our stories and our energy and where we're at. On the other flip side, you know, if we are struggling, if it's really triggering and hard, there's nothing wrong with us for not feeling joyous. So really just diving into, not only untangling this pressure that we feel to act and function a certain way, but then sharing three strategies that I think are extremely helpful when we're navigating our journeys during the holiday season, particularly if we're having a harder time. And so with that, I just want to share with you, you know, kind of my transition in holidays. So full disclosure, those who know me from, like, way back will probably remember my nickname used to be Elf. One of my colleagues used to call me Elf because I was just wildly optimistic. I watched the movie Elf with Will Ferrell over and over and over, and that was. That was me. I just. Everything was amazing. I would head out for Black Friday. It was like the most exciting, exciting day. I would get all of my Christmas shopping done. In my family, we celebrate Christmas. I would get all of my shopping done by like 10am right? Because I was out from midnight. I would have this huge list of what I wanted to get for everybody. I would get the wrapping paper. I would then go back and put my tree up, the lights on Christmas, music on, gifts wrapped. But then here's the kicker, that I would then have to repurchase gifts because I was so excited to give them to people. It rarely ever Made it to Christmas Day without being open. So when I tell you that I was all in on the holidays, I was all in. Now, this changed for me really significantly after losing my daughter Layden. Now, not diving into this episode, I will share my story. But for those of you who don't know, I'm a bereaved mother. I lost my daughter Laden in a case turned a catastrophe. She was four months old. And needless to say, you know, that wreaked havoc on my life, on my functioning, on my understanding of the world and the meaning of it. I remember very clearly on Christmas when I was pregnant, looking at my family and saying, isn't this so weird? This is the last year I'm not going to be Santa. And saying, like, this isn't the last year I'm not going to be buying presents under that tree. And I fantasized about that. And I, you know, I yearned for it. I was excited for it. And so after I lost my daughter Layden, it was in June of 2014. The thought of getting through the holidays was literally unbearable. I couldn't even imagine it. And so when I tell you I've been at both sides of the spectrum, I see you. I see you. Those people who are in a place where they are so excited and joyous for the holidays, just honor that and embrace it. And that's wonderful. But I see the heavy hearts. I feel them. And no, there is nothing wrong with you if you are struggling right now in the holidays. There's nothing wrong with you if you feel anxious or apathetic or annoyed or angry. None of that is wrong. But here's where things get a little bit tricky. We have very little control over what surfaces, right? These energies that surface, whether it's grief or something else that's triggering emotions, we have very little control over it. We don't want to deny it, right? We don't want to deny it by pretending everything's okay. That's one form of denial. And we don't want to deny it by just escaping it with food, drink, Netflix, binges, you know, binge shopping, vacations, whatever it is, running away from it because it's going to be there waiting for us. And what happens is when we deny it and leave it there waiting for us, it only grows and it can become even harder to deal with. I had a friend who compared, compared it to like a mountain of laundry, right? We don't let the laundry build up. It builds up so, so, so much like we think it's just going to go away and it just doesn't, right? So we can't do that with our grief, with our heartaches, whatever it is. So we got to make space for it. We have to make space for some pretty uncomfortable feelings. And in doing so, I have found that there are three really effective strategies that we can use in managing our grief journeys. And you know, I'm excited and honored to share them with you today. And it's very important again to acknowledge it doesn't mean we're not in pain, right? The pain doesn't go away. I'm still in pain. I still cry almost daily for my daughter Laden. I still sleep, full disclosure, with her stuffed animal most nights. I still sit in her rocker when I'm having a hard time. So by no means am I minimizing any grief or pain. I'm not. It's real. We all have our own timelines. We're all going to handle it differently. But it's so important that for you that we find ways to manage it that, you know, minimizes the damage, right? That minimizes the hurt that maybe honors the loved one that you lost or that helps you cope in a way that contributes to your goals, your long term goals. And that can serve you well because like I said, we have very little control over the energy that has risen to the surface. The only thing we have full control over is our own energy. And so if that's the only thing we have control over, I think it's so important that we learn how to navigate using it productively. And so these three strategies are just different ways that you can plan ahead, right. And anticipate what you might need. So the first one is identifying different supporters and how they can help you. And so one of the things that I was taught in my grief journey was that there are different supporters and we can't expect them all to do everything right. So there are some who are good at listening, there are some who are good at distracting. There are some who are good at doing, going out and doing different activities, maybe like getting the grocery shopping done or shopping done or cleaning. Like they are task oriented listeners can listen on end. They don't interject, they don't tell you how to feel, they don't make it about them, they don't minimize your feelings, they just hold space and listen. And then distractors, maybe your friends that want to take you out or go out or go shopping, skiing, hiking, whatever it is, and just kind of like get your mind off of it. And then there are Xers, those are people you typically want to steer clear of, right? They like to make it about them. They like to gossip, whatever it may be. So one of the strategies is knowing what role and what purpose different people play in your life and then allowing that to be a source of support for you and embracing it. So some people who are really great listeners, but maybe not such a good doer, well, don't ask them to do tasks with you. Right. Allow them to be the ones that listen for you and with you and so on and so on. So the first one is identifying the types of supporters. And you might want to hit pause. You might want to go write it down. You might want to go start listing out, but list it out, right? And now it becomes a source of like, of intimacy, right. Of celebration. Some of my relationships have been so much closer when I've understood the authentic ways that person wants to align with my goals and needs and the ways that I can do that for them, too. And that's beautiful. The second thing is recognizing that there are going to be a lot of triggers and considering what those may be for you. And so I suggest writing them all out, really thinking hard, and then considering, is this a trigger that I want to avoid? Right. Or can I avoid? Or is this a trigger that I need to game plan for? And so this looks different for everybody. And to be honest, for me, in losing Layden and having had that Christmas where I envisioned having every, single, you know, Christmas from then on out, playing the role of Santa, I needed to stop the traditions that I had always envisioned doing with Layden. I never got to do them with her. And so I kind of wanted to stop doing them. That's my choice. There are certain people in their loss who find holding onto those traditions and carrying them on very, very, very comforting. So it's not so much what the choice is, but why behind the choice. So start evaluating what you feel like your triggers may be. For me, it was also that fear of what if I'm asked if I have any children, Right. And so I had to then prepare myself for that question and actually rehearse it. Right. So the first strategy is knowing what types of supporters you have and how they can help you through this season. The second one is really understanding what your triggers are and how you're going to get through. And then the last one is having game plans, whether it's for your triggers or for the actual holidays and having an abcd. Right. We don't want just one plan because if it doesn't go well, you need something to fall back on, right? I'm a huge fan of the New England Patriots. You'll hear me talk about them all the time. They do not go into games with just one plan, right? They do not even call plays with just one plan. They have an idea of what they want to do, and then when it goes into action, they assess the situation and they make the best choice for them. And I like to think of our choices in grief as the same. So we go into a gathering, a party, whatever it may be, with an idea of what we think we want to do. But we got to have plans B, C, D and E even in place that might be being able to leave for a walk, that might be giving ourselves permission to go home, that might be telling people that we're going to leave for a while and return or just doing something completely different. So I hope this is helpful for you. My heart is with everybody in this season. It's a season of connection, of giving, of love, of reflection. It's a season that for me, I celebrate very differently than I ever did before and ever imagined to. But it's still a space where I want to honor and share love. And I want to do that in honor of my daughter, Layden. And I appreciate you allowing me the opportunity to do so. So whatever strategies resonate with you, I invite you to go write them down. Think about it. Process. If you have questions on them, come find me on Instagram. I'm meld working on a new username, but it's going to do for now. You can find me on my website, griefandguts.com and while you're there, if this is something you feel like you would like even more support. And I am running a free or charity donation group through the holiday season. It is called Holiday Healing and it is intended to offer support. My coaching support. I am a life coach and a bereaved mom, as you know, through people and really getting much deeper in these strategies and other ones that can help them. So love hearing from you. Thank you so much. Please, like subscribe, share the podcast and it's going to help grow. It's going to help us support others and it's going to help shine Laden's light. And there's nothing that means more than that. So thank you and enjoy your holidays.