116: Playing A Mastery Game w/ James Silvas

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Welcome to Grief and Guts. I'm your host, Melissa Dugulecki. It is my honor and privilege to serve you by sharing stories, tools, interviews and strategies that will help you transition from what do I do now? How do I get through this? Those feelings of overwhelm and uncertainty to truly standing in your power. From my grief journey in losing my daughter laden in 2014 that I learned, practiced, was exposed to all these tools, but they are not grief specific. In fact, they apply universally to all of our unique situations. You've already done the hard part by showing up, by opening up to something new. So without any further ado, let's get to the good stuff that's going to help you in your journey. Let's dive in.

All right, everybody. Welcome back to the show Grief and Guts. I am your host, Melissa Dugalecki, and I am so excited for the guest on the podcast today. His work is magic. It has changed my life. It continues to enrich and expand everything that I'm creating. And a big part of what you experience here, what you're gonna hear today, is a lot of the behind the scenes that that goes into this. And you know, as I was preparing to introduce him, I said, how, you know, how would you like to be introduced? And while he's worked, he's got an impressive resume with the companies he's worked with, the tier level of athletes, of executives, of entrepreneurs, international, speaker, father, podcast, host of a top 1% globally rated podcast, working on his book. Just an unbelievably long, extensive, impressive resume. But I'm like, I'm just introducing you, James, as my coach because you're my coach. So, James, welcome to the show.

Thanks, Melissa. It's a, it's a pleasure to be here and to co create with you on your, on your podcast and to bring some value based on our experiences to the listener. And I'm just here to serve, listen and share what resonates so powerful.

And you know, James, I would love for you to let the listener know a little bit about you, what you're creating in the world, who you be, and start to get to know your magic.

Yeah. So I am not fond of titles. So when Melissa asks, how do you want me to introduce you? I don't have a perfect title and I don't like titles because they box us in and we're human beings that are so limitless and we're only defined by the stories we tell ourselves. And so I've been doing, let's just call it coaching slash, speaking for about nine Years now, so almost a decade. And in that time, I've learned so many life lessons, philosophies, strategies for how to help someone get out of their own way, be their own best friend, and live life on their terms. And I think at the end of the day, people just want to feel proud of what they do and who they are and what they've been able to one, create in their life, but also experience. And because we have so many. So much noise and so many distractions at our disposal every single day, it really comes down to how are we. How are we maximizing our time? How are we being intentional with what we say, what we think, what we feel, who we surround ourselves with, what we do, because all that matters. And one day at a time, one week at a time, one month at a time, we craft the version of ourselves that hopefully we can say, I'm. I'm happy to say I am that person. You know, whether it's for our kids or for our spouse or for our friends or even just for ourselves, most importantly. So that's really the work that I do, is really help people understand and identify where they're being blocked and how they can free themselves.

So important. And I love how you hit not only what we create, but what we experience. Like, not just what we do, but who we be. We can have an extensive list of all the things that we've done or achieved, but if we're not enjoying them and we're not feeling expansive or fulfilled, what's the point now? James, something that I. I really want to, you know, drive home for the listener is the power of leaning into connections and. And being open to when you feel like certain energies, you know, kind of come into your world and instead of chalking up as, like, coincidence or this person is randomly here, really being open to why people come into your life at different times. So we met in Sedona, and then months later, we ended up in the same, you know, container. And for. You were facilitating and supporting. And I remember you sat with me and we had our mindset, our first session. And in that moment, you identified, like, within one hour of the changes that I got to make in my life for me to be where I wanted to be, like you. You identified it, like, so laserly.

When I hear that, I. I feel immense gratitude that we've had the journey that we have together. And I think one factor that I think was able to help me pinpoint that was listening. And if there's one skill as a leader, as a human being, as Someone who wants to communicate more effectively or just have a better life experience. Listening is going to have to be one of those top skills. And listening is challenging when you don't understand yourself enough to know what is coming through. And you can misconstrue your own baggage, fear, insecurity, and that can distort what is actually happening. And so when we had that moment in Peru all the years before that was me refining that antenna, so to speak, of what I was picking up on, what words you were using and, and what I was thinking and, and what was going on and being able to organize all that information, to articulate that back to, to create a moment where both of us had that level of clarity. That is something I'm always working on. But listening was really the fundamental skill there. And that's something that I try to do every single day as I'm in conversations with executives, to athletes, to people who are wanting to take their life to the next level. I usually help them at moments of transition, challenge, pressure, or when they're reaching a new level. And at those moments it's critical that I listen the best that I can. And there are components to listening, but that's what comes up for me when you said that. And so I wanted to one say that's the skill that was being leveraged there. But also to say that you are a great listener as well.

Thank you. Now, for someone listening to this show right now, what would you say to support them in improving their listening skills, their ability to do so in a way that is more effective than maybe they currently are?

Yeah, I think first it's helpful to talk about what gets in the way of listening. One is fear. Fear that I won't say the right thing. Fear that I have to get my point across so that person thinks I'm smart, not stupid. All these like self talk narratives that center around how am I being perceived by the person I am listening to. If you don't calm that, then that is going to be active the whole time, which is only going to cause you to maybe receive anywhere, I don't know, 20 to 50% of what that person's actually saying. So identifying fears and insecurities in yourself is paramount. So self discovery journey, that's journaling, that's therapy, that's coaching that could help with all of that. Then there's the listening as a form of service. That's what's helped me become a really good listener is like in a world that's so busy and people crave connection. If I can do my part and communicate to you that there's nothing else that's more important right now in this moment than me being here with you. Helping, listening, serving. That's what's most important. And if I demonstrate that, then the person who is experiencing that conversation with me feels a deeper level of connection, which fosters a greater level of trust, which opens that person up faster to cause them to go to the depth that maybe they're not used to or have never been before, revealing information that has never been shared. And then once that information is out, now something can be done about it. But people don't open up if they don't feel like, one, you're interested, two, you can help, and three, that you actually want to go there. And so looking at listening as a form of service, I think brings all of those elements in and. And creates a space where hard things can be discussed or emotions that come up are okay. And over time, you just learn to start picking the right pieces of information in that space that lead to transformation or breakthroughs or clarity.

So potent. And it reminds me a lot of, you know, a concept that I was teaching in my earlier years of this podcast, being more around grief. And that was teammates. And not everyone in your life can be every type of teammate, but everyone can play some type of role. Like, we're not. We don't need a whole team of quarterbacks. You know, like, we. We actually do need a variety. And the more pain I was in, I really needed listeners.

Yes.

And that was one type of teammate. And what I found was, really, it was actually much more difficult to find listeners than I would have anticipated, because a lot of times people want to fix or they're uncomfortable with your pain, and so then they almost without meaning to, can gaslight it or, you know, redirect it, or it will get better when. And I think it's really important to drive home, like, the sacredness and the service of being able to listen. And also for anyone who is tuning in, looking at where are the spaces where I can be fully held and listen to, and it may be in your closest relationships or partnerships, but also where can you put other ones in place by having mentors or coaches, people who can really hold that role, because I can't expect that my closest personal relationships are going to be able to meet that need because they're having their own human experience, too.

It's true. And the need to want to save or to fix is strong. And I had to. I had to confront that. It's like who am I if I can't help this person? And what I. The conclusion that I've come up with is if I, if that's my goal every time I enter a conversation, one, that's going to be exhausting. Two, I'm going to rob the person of finding the information or having the breakthrough themselves that creates independence. And I found that early on I wouldn't necessarily that I was creating codependency, but there was a sliver of that that it felt like if I didn't course correct that it would turn into that, that I need this person to feel where I need them to have a problem in order for me to be valuable. And, and so now I've graduated and matured into just being the space in which hard things can be explored and my identity not being attached to any of those outcomes. So I bring a level of groundedness and sureness to the space where I'm not. What happens here is not going to influence who I am. Right. And, and so that allows me to stay focused on the content, on the situation, not on myself, which adds to the service of listening, but also to me being bigger than the situation, on the space has the situation that homes, that is the home of the situation. And that's been really helpful for me.

I completely agree. I mean, in order for me to, I mean I always say entrepreneurship grows you so much, right? Greed and entrepreneurship have been my greatest catalyst for growth. And when I'm looking at building a business and how to approach it, it's what can I control and can I detach success or worthiness from the result and the things I can't control and attach you know, myself to process and to commitment and to consistency.

So, and to enter values.

Values. Now you just brought up codependency and something that's thrown around a lot. You know, I've, I've read statistics that say, you know, 80% of relationships are codependent and this could be friendships or family or. And I'm just curious if you can speak into a little bit more around like your knowledge or expertise in, you know, codependent dynamics and maybe how to identify or shift away from it.

I would say that there's definitely other people out there that specialize in codependency. But from my vantage point, having worked with, you know, high level leaders, I think people are codependent on what they do. Like the attachment to what they do is too strong to the point where they forget other elements in their life that are important. So being that I work with a Lot of high achievers. Their identity naturally gets lumped in with how much money I make, how fast I'm moving in the business world, how many people know my name, how many publications am I in, how many podcasts am I on. And the higher the number, the more valuable they feel. And there's a lot that they do to put themselves in positions to have those types of accolades and. But oftentimes they'll forget about finding a spouse or being there for their kids, or even giving time for themselves. And so the, the codependency in that sense is like the dependency on the validation they get from the things that they do. And if that doesn't get checked and that individual find other ways to define themselves, then they're going to be a one dimensional individual. And if anything happens in those areas, any dip happens, then there's going to be a dip in the self worth and in the value that that person believes they can bring. And it won't be because their power diminished, it'll be because the story that they created causes them to not give the power that they that is already in them.

Thank you for speaking into that because there's just so many interesting ways to look at it. And whether someone listening is, you know, navigating a great journey or building their business or whatever way in which you found yourself here may be totally random. Just looking at how am I? I think it all comes back to how am I being responsible for feeling fulfilled and for whole and not just the doing, but the being and being in ownership of my own experience, not looking for anyone else or any result to quote, unquote, complete me, right? That Jeremy guy are like, you complete me, right? Like, like we don't need a person or a result or a bank account to be what makes us feel complete, but like, rather we're doing that internally.

You just described how to win at life, that you're defining your own game, your own definition of success, who you are. And that becomes the metric around how successful you are at being you. Life is subjective. So someone who says I need $100 million to feel successful versus someone is like, I need 500,000 and a family. And it's different, you know, so that's the beauty and the challenge about life is there's no one way to do it. The one way is your way. And the sooner you find that, the sooner you fall in love with that, the more your magic will begin to shine through because it's not something you'll have to pretend to do, it's just Something that you are that just naturally gets expressed.

Oh, that's landing so hard. Because I always say I just feel like everything, the way in which I have shifted and accepted, like, this is actually I want to do, versus, like, a life of should or trying to fit in anyone else's box. Like you said earlier, like, I don't like a title because it puts us in a box, right? And so often we try and fit in someone else's box or their mechanics or whatever it may be. And so seeing ourselves as just being able to express and giving away from right or wrong, like, there's not a right or wrong. It's what aligns for me. Like, what is my truth? What do I want to create, and where does that fit? It's just so. It's so good.

And on that, like, I was. I was talking about this on another podcast a couple days ago, was like, anytime that I feel I need to go faster, like, I see someone that has a service that I don't have or someone who's charging more than me or whatever, and I buy into them doing something that I'm not doing, that I need to be doing, and it feels forced, and. But I do it anyway. That's when I add too much pressure on myself that doesn't need to be there. I experience more anxiousness. My. My stress goes through the roof, and it. And it, like, trickles into fatherhood and into how I interact with my wife. And that's all because I'm not pausing to ask, is this what I want? Yes. You know, and so I've learned to catch myself in a lot of those situations. It still happens, but I'm aware of it. And I can course correct a lot faster, but I'm on the slower side of building. I like to build intentionally, brick by brick. I want to lay that thing as best as I possibly can. And at the end of the day, I'm playing a mastery game. I'm not playing a rich game. And so money is not the most important to me. It's. It's. How am I developing as. As a person, and what's the impact that I'm leaving based on the. The skills that I'm developing in. That's the metric, and so that's how I measure where I'm going. And that's helped me because it's my style, and because it's my style, it naturally comes out. So that's where the charisma comes from. That's where, like, it just resonates differently. It hits differently. And and so I've learned to trust that more and more as I get older.

So speaking of creative expression and all of the things, you're publishing a book?

I am. I just, you know, big part of the work that I do is having conversations and communicating and teaching leaders how to do so to themselves and to others. And I just kept seeing these bottlenecks around communication. I think it's 70 plus percentage of the workforce is disengaged. 50% of marriages end in divorce. And, you know, at the, at the root of all of that is a breakdown in communication. And so I just see this big gap in what leaders are doing or what just people are doing in general and, and what they could be doing. And so in an attempt to help solve that problem or reduce the pro. That problem, I was like, okay, let me take my experience over the last nine years, having worked with, you know, over 8,000 people now from 12 different countries and so many different diverse situations, from someone finding out that they're. They have cancer, to a divorce, to losing a business, to firing someone, to telling someone about their past or saying I do. You know, like all these very rich life experiences all center around how do I tell you something and how do I listen to something? And so I've codifying that in a way that's worked for me so that others can, you know, take what aligns for them and use it to be a better communicator. So I've narrowed the book down to five Cs that I think a leader in specific, but really anyone when embodying these Cs can really have a successful relationship, but definitely in an efficient level of communication. And so we don't have to talk about all five of them, but a couple of those Cs. I think the most important one is courage. Without courage, I don't know if you can have connection, because part of what establishes a connection is taking a leap. There's a potential risk of rejection, risk of not being understood, a risk of being seen a certain way. You have to open your mouth and share your truth. That is a form of courage. So if, if one does not have that or is unwilling to embody that, the level of depth they're going to have in their communication style is not going to be one that they desire. So courage is definitely one curiosity. Being curious about yourself, about others, allows you to enter a frame of mind where it's not about you, it's about them, it's about us, it's about what's going on, what's Happening and not falling into our own blind spots and creating assumptions or projecting our own stuff onto somebody else. And that's what trips up a lot of people, you know, assuming that they know what's going on when they haven't asked the question because they're afraid to, or they did, but they weren't listening because they're trying to anticipate rather than be present with what is actually happening.

So powerful. I want to go. I want. Can you name the other?

Yeah, yeah. So the third C is concentration. If you're not focused on what needs to be done, when it needs to be done, then you're not going to go very far. But most more importantly, presence I associate with concentration is ultimately, I think, the greatest gift that you can give people. It solves the greatest human need, which is a need to feel heard, seen and understood. You can't do that if you're not present. And so there's that. Then you have the compassion piece. In the west, in our culture, it's easy to value things and money over people, but when you're leading or when you're communicating, you're doing that with another human being. Someone who has a backstory, someone who has past hurts, someone who has dreams, goals, fears, insecurities. And so the more you know that about the other person, the more empathy you can have, the more connection you can have, the deeper that relationship can go, the more both parties learn about themselves and the other person. And I see a gap for compassion in leaders. It's like, well, you know, and then the question is like, well, how do you navigate compassion and still holding people accountable? And it's a phenomenal question, and we can definitely go into that. But the first and foremost, compassionate compassion is needed to get people out of their heads around, do you care or not? Compassion, silence that voice, and it allows you to talk about what's really the problem. The fifth C is co creation. I've been a lone wolf a large part of my life because for many reasons, trust issues. I trust the level of quality that I can do. It's on my time. I'm not a burden to anybody else. Like all these stories that I was creating around that. But after, as I get older and I become more of a parent, I realize how important community is and the beauty that everyone has a strength, a superpower. And when leveraged correctly, when all those individuals who come together are aligned for a common purpose with a common set of values, then that's really what makes the world of a difference and creates the most impact and so I've fallen in love with more of the co creative space and co creating in a conversation, co creating on a project, co creating in life with your partner or your family. Like it hits every level of being of our experience. So those five Cs I've found to be paramount.

Well, I love all of them. And of course we're talking co creation when just my last episode was about coexisting versus co creating. And one of the things I spoke into is we're actually in a way always co creating experiences and like bring awareness to that because you could be with somebody co creating a place of hiding or avoiding or gossip or toxicity or drama. And so it's like really this intense concentration to the environments around you. I want to talk more about co creation, but something that really came through James, that I'm curious on your thoughts about. As you were sharing the five C's just a few minutes before that, you were talking about how, how does each person want to live? What feels good for, you know, me and the breakdown in communication and like giving yourselves the permission, like you want to travel the world. Travel the world. You want to, you know, work seven days a week. Work seven days a week. But it's about the why and does that light you up? Do you want to work two days a week? Work two days a week? Like, what is it that you're craving? Like, do you want to be on stage? Do you want to be behind the scenes? Like, do you want to be, you know, what, whatever it is and something that I was kind of marinating in as you were speaking into those was in order to even be able to know what we actually want. Not just bringing those five Cs and we can maybe take co creation up for the example of this, but bringing those other four Cs to our internal dialogue first. Can I have the courage to look at what I really want? Can I have the curiosity to ask myself why? Can I have the compassion to give myself permission for being human or like and then can I have the presence, the concentration to like really be aware of what it is? And like really we've got to do that internally to then be able to co create and communicate in a way where we're expanding.

Absolutely. So in the book there it's like split into self and social settings. So all those five Cs can go either way. Right? You can have all five for just you if communication with you, which is ideal because without that being strong, your social is not going to be very strong. And then because of your heightened level of self conversation through those five Cs, then naturally that bleeds into the external, right? Your ability to communicate with other people. So you already are on par with how I'm writing it. So I'm glad that you, you were able to do that. But in order to start any of that work, that takes courage. Courage to say, like, this is what I want, even though there's a chance it might not work out. And so if we're going to embody any of those five Cs, then really, fear is what gets in the way almost every time. It's not that you don't know what to do, which is what most people say. It's really, what are you feeling that's getting in the way?

Like, let that one. It's not that you don't know what to do. It's what are you feeling in the knowingness of what to do that's getting in the way.

Right. And people are like, I'm not, I'm not an emotional being. We bring in feelings, it's going to mess up everything. It's like, if you don't go to feelings, it's going to be way worse. You know, like, we shouldn't bring emotions into conversations. You're bringing it in whether you like it or not, because you are an emotional human being, right? So if you don't look at it, you're not going to have the tools to recognize it, which means you're going to bring your baggage into an already, into a new space. Convoluting it with something that doesn't need.

To be there 100%. And I think, you know, also the recognition of doing the work so that we can bring our emotions and experience them in a way that is productive and expansive, not rooted in our, you know, wounds or, as you always remind me, scars. MELISSA but that is when bringing the emotion in, when we haven't sourced the tools to kind of like structure the emotion and understand it, I think is really important. And it takes courage to do that.

Right. How do you develop the skill? By going into the unknown. How do you learn how to swim? By getting in the water. How do you learn how to speak? By getting on stage. The prerequisite to get confidence is to have a willingness or a courage to get into a space that you've never been before and to mess up or to just experience it and then do it again and then do it again. And so the more you do that, the more you strengthen anything.

And I think courage really lies also in the detachment from outcome. Like, I look back at Layden's life, my daughter, Layden's life, for anyone listening to Laden, is my daughter. And there was a moment when shit was hitting the fan and it became real clear, like, things weren't looking so great, and I wanted to lean out. I wanted to pull away, as if the less I love, the less painful this is going to be. And after she lost her life and all the years since, now, one of the things I am the most proud of that drives me in my life is that I loved her harder every single day. And the courage that I found within myself, to know that I was. I'm getting emotional, but to know that I was, like, willing to feel that much pain, to not have regret, and to have the courage to, like, look back and feel proud is something that I try and look at in every aspect of my life. And it's challenging, you know, it's really challenging. But as you spoke, into detachment from outcome, I think it's very closely linked to courage.

Yeah. Well. And. And because you've been through that, you have a larger capacity to hold pain, uncertainty, and challenge, you know? And so when you talk about you being a leader and the work that you do and the space that you hold, you going through situations like that helps you hold that space in which hard things can be explored. In the today's culture, I see a lack of intentional hard things, like doing things, doing hard things intentionally, like purposely putting yourself in uncomfortable positions, knowing that there's a high chance of you not getting it, so that your capacity for holding harder things improves and it's. It's needed.

I always say, don't miss the lessons and the shit. Like, the lessons are there. They're the most potent ones. And so whether it's strengthening your capacity to hold at a deep level or whether it's learning the feedback of what's not working. Like, I don't believe in the world the word failure. Right. It's just. It's all feedback. And I love. Kobe Bryant has a great. Like, there's a great clip of him, you know, when he was speaking into this. And I just. I love that. And if anyone's, like, going through something that's not going the way you expected it to or not going well or you didn't get the result you wanted or, you know, navigating something painful, like, there's lessons in there, too. It takes the courage, right, to. To be able to see them.

Yes.

I'm wondering, James, how would you support somebody who wants to Increase, like their feelings or connection to courage. What can they do?

Well, if you're very nervous to do something outside of your comfort zone, then starting small is going to be probably your best bet. And when you look at therapy, there's something called exposure therapy, where if you're afraid of getting in elevators, let's say, and you start with a therapist, the goal is to eventually be able to get in one, but you don't start there. Session one, you could, but most people will need to have slow exposure to it. So you might walk into a building and then look at the elevator in session one, and then you leave. Second session, you might walk in the building and take two steps forward towards the elevator. And over time, because of that exposure and because of you talking about it and redefining it and changing the context around it, you eventually move into a space where you can get on it. So that same kind of concept with courage, right? Courage can be you saying no to going out to dinner with a friend. Super small. But hey, small things stack, right? Courage can be speaking your mind in a. In a business or like at work, you're in a little. A setting where you and your colleagues are talking about something and you normally don't raise your hand. You raise your hand and you ask a question or you share your truth, right? There's an example. You can call a friend and share something about your past that you haven't with them to increase the bond or get their perspective or ask for their advice or, you know, ask for help. Form of courage. You could say I love you to someone that you haven't either in a long time or someone new, varying degrees. I think the individual listening who is in that situation. Pick something that's just outside of the comfort zone, but not too far. And as you do that, that strengthens the muscle. And then over time, you have no problem with doing something that most people are afraid of because you've been training yourself to do so.

I love that. And it's just, you know, we don't wait to not be afraid to get in the elevator before we start taking the action, the steps to get in the elevator. And oftentimes I say we wait. They will wait, or people will wait to feel a certain way before they want to take an action. I see this a lot in business building. I want to wait until I feel more confident or I have this or I have that before I put it out there, right? Or the website's perfect, or the course is perfect. I see it in grief, you know, I want to wait until I feel better before I begin to go into a social setting again.

Yes.

And what you just summarized is it's literally the. Just the simplicity of every day choosing into growth and progress. And it doesn't have to be, you know, that you're. For me, like, in my grief journey, I didn't have to have my first thing be a concert. It took me years to go to a concert. But I started with a parent group.

That's right.

You know, and so. But where can whoever, you know, whatever it is, for somebody listening, where can you start with one step.

Yes.

Generate. Because energy is always moving in one direction. Or a direction.

Right, A direction.

One. A direction. So can we channel that energy to be moving in a direction?

James Clear, author of Atomic Habits. Great book. He has a quote in there that says every decision you make is a vote for the type of person you want to be. And, you know, when we talk about someone who wants to be courageous, courageous is an identity. Courageous comes from the stacking of evidence that proves to you that you are a courageous person. Well, your choice, your decision to speak up in that meeting is a vote for the type of person you want to be, which is courageous. And if I just keep voting based on my decisions over time, I'm going to have an overwhelming amount of votes for that type of person to where that person, quote, unquote, takes office.

Keep voting. Right? Keep voting.

Yeah.

I think one of them, I think they're. I think of courage in two different ways. And this could mirror your book, I'd be curious to hear, as you. As we were going back and forth on it. But one, it's the courage to give ourselves permission and to pursue our authentic truths. Then I think there's this other layer of courage to allow other people to do the same without making it necessarily about us. Right. And I don't know if that makes sense, but I think to, you know, whether it's, you know, every relationship, whether. And I'm not just talking intimate. Any relationship has its kind of chapters or it's, you know, someone on here said expiration day. I don't love that term, but for the purpose point, like, we're all serving different purposes at different times. And so whether it's a client or whether it's a, you know, a colleague or a family member, like allowing other people to be in their truths or pursue what works for them, even if it doesn't feel like it's in your best interest or necessarily what you want, like that depth of courage, does that make Sense.

Yeah, it's. It's almost a form of surrender. Also, in the courage chapter, there's like, there's four parts. So one is the courage to be in the uncertainty. Like, embedded into being a leader is. Is being comfortable with uncertainty. And the more you are comfortable with that, the more you can build in the uncertain, being paralyzed by the fear that comes with it. Then there's the courage to feel, to actually go deep and confront insecurity, fear past, whatever, can't heal what you hate. Courage to act would be the next one. So to do something, to take action in a specific direction, and then the courage to speak. So those are the ones that I'm outlining within the courage piece, and those both, again, go both ways. Like the courage for other people to enter the uncertainty, the courage for other people to feel, to act and to speak. And so, yeah, courage is deep and vast.

Yeah. And it's. It's so, you know, especially in my particular communities, tend to be a lot of entrepreneurs and grief, like the listeners. And talk about two places where you really get to lean into courage. Grief journeys and grief. Not just death. Right. It could be ending a relationship. I had major grief when I. And it's a chosen grief. And I think chosen grief takes a whole other level of courage. Like, I chose grief, I chose pain when I left, you know, my former partnership, like, my relationship. And it was truly from a courage of like, you are so worthy and entitled to everything that you want in the lifestyle you want to live and how what works for you. And. And I am the same. And ours just don't fit together anymore, you know, and that chosen grief was really painful. And I, as we're talking about this, I'm just kind of sitting with. I talk a lot about chosen grief, but it's the element of courage that it requires in order to go there. Entrepreneurship. A whole lot of courage, too.

Every day.

Every day. So, James, I just have a couple more questions. I want to make sure everyone knows where they can find you. But in my experience that you have really mastered the. The fusion of, like, you are a master of mindset work. Like, we know this. You're. You're a ninja, or at least I'll remind you, you don't, you know, you are incredibly skilled and have honed that as like your craft. And you've worked. You had. There's just things happen. You created this skill set. Right. And of course, there's. It's part of who you be. And I work with a lot of people who are you Know, are in the mindset space. But an element that I don't always see people able to connect is the body. And whether it's like, nervous system regulation and the impact on the mind or whether it's understanding the cues of your body and whether it's a trauma response or, you know, signs from the universe, if that's a hollow, like a higher calling. Right. Like I used to always feel in my body, like, oh my gosh, I got butterflies with that person. No, me. You're repeating your trauma response of being drawn to that energetic dynamic. That is not what the universe is telling you to do. That's actually what your trauma is sending you to. And. But I really. And then I work with a lot of people who are very much in the body, but, you know, especially here in Tulum, but don't necessarily integrate the mind. And something I think you do really well is blend the two. And so I wonder if. Speak in or share anything on that.

Yes, man. Thank you. And talk about a loaded question. And so many, like, subtle, faint lines. So I'll just start with what comes through first. When I first started my journey and calling myself a mindset specialist, I was very obsessed with the mind is all I focused on. And it helped me organize the infrastructure that allowed me to think clearer, better, articulate myself, understand the world, have constructs and, you know, concepts and strategies that help me navigate this world. Right. And then the more I did the work, the more I realized how much the body was equally as important. And if neglected, the mind suffered. So then that led me to breath work that led me into somatic awareness and. And just being able to feel your body, which then led me into emotions and how emotions aren't something that is embedded into every human being. Like, it's not every person on earth has the same emotion. That's actually what I've learned recently is not true. Emotions are built. They're built based on your awareness of what's going on inside your body and the story that's being created in your mind. So then I was like, wow, okay, revelations, right? Like, okay, so first of all, I gotta know. I want to know if I'm thinking about myself, what's important, like, what's my North Star, right? And that comes down to, like, visions and values and purpose and all that. When I'm anchored into that, that is like, always know where to come back home. That's where I cross reference all of my behaviors, all my relationships. Am I living on my terms, which is the most important thing for me because that's a sign of sovereignty and freedom, right? So have that. And then now what's going on inside your body when someone says this word, when someone calls you that name, when someone, you know, yells or does some sort of, sort of behavior. And I feel something inside my body, I have to be aware of that. So then I just started becoming really even more observant than I normally am. And I started like closing my eyes. And obviously I prefaced this with people that I was talking to. I would close my eyes and I just like feel around as they were talking. And I noticed that sometimes my heart rate would increase or I'd have a sharp pain in my stomach or, you know, my legs would, would start to tingle or, or something. And, and I, the more I became aware of it, the more I started sitting with it. And it wasn't me trying to like immediately slap a label on it. It was more so me just sitting with that feeling and seeing what was coming through. And a lot of times it was like, you're getting that. The story that I was creating was that, you know, these experiences were a form of insecurity or fear that when they said that thing, I actually remembered this moment. And I wasn't able to connect those things until I got still enough, until I got silent enough to allow that to come through, to see it from a third party perspective and then change it because it no longer served me and those, the future situations that I would be in. And so it's a, it's a combination of being clear on what's important to you, what's going on inside of your body, where is that coming from, or what's happening when those body sensations are, are coming up. And is that helping you live more of what's important to you? And so if you remember one of the exercises that we did, I was.

Just thinking about it.

Austin, Texas, in Austin, Texas, was coming up with keywords that you have expressed time and time again in our conversations that I knew were important to you, both on the side of like really inspiring to you and also very triggering to you. And I, I compiled probably a list of 30 to 50 words. And I would say that word one thing at a time and allow you to digest it and talk about what you were experiencing as you were experiencing it, and documenting all of that. And then we'd go back and we analyzed. Okay, so, so you, when we said success, you had this feeling attached to this facial expression. What was that about? And then we opened it and we did, you know, went and unpacked it and so that's one way that you can do it. And so I'll pause there if you want to add anything.

No, as you were speaking when I asked the question, I forgotten about that activity or that wasn't on my mind, you know.

Yeah.

As you were speaking I'm like oh my goodness, this reminds me that was almost a year ago and I remember doing that and I remember how viscerally I would feel things in different spots. Right. And just taking me deeper into my connection to my body and how certain reactions are things and you did such a range. I remember like, I remember you said like one of the. This boy I had a crush on at the time like his name. And then you said things more like, you know, that were triggering or more around like changes that I was going through that were really hard and being able to notice the difference of where those showed up in my body was really powerful.

And now that the awareness is there you in and if it comes up in the future, you know how to handle it as opposed to like being lost in it or, or not even recognizing it at all and then having that, you know, dictate how you show up or what you say in any pressing pressure filled situation.

So powerful. Thank you for sharing that. Thank you. I mean James, I feel like we could go, we could go hours.

It's always the problem with these.

I know. Truly. I feel like we're just getting started. I'm like I want to get into the other four Cs but there is time, patience as you said, brick by brick. And thank you so much for being on the show. Where can people find you and learn more about everything you're doing in this world?

Yeah, I spend the most time on Instagram as of right now. So James Silvas S I L V A s and then I have a podcast as well as Melissa mentioned, be that 1% podcast on Apple, iTunes and Spotify. So check me there and would love to, to connect and if there's any way that could serve or, or just you know, go and listen to anything and hopefully you know, you take what, what aligns.

Thank you. I mean honestly, anytime I can share you with the community and people, James, it's just such a joy to be able to do so. I can't wait. I haven't even announced it yet but little sneak preview anybody? James is going to be a guest appearing in a container that's going to be opening in May. So stay tuned for more information on that and it'll be an honor to have him just share his knowledge and insight directly. Interacting with the humans in that versus then being able to listen. Like that'll be a first that I've been able to actually bring you in and have my community able to interact with you. So I'm so excited for that. I am so grateful for your work, for your stand for humanity, for your stand for mastery. And I really like how you discern mastery from just that quick kind of adrenaline hit of feeling of success. And it isn't that mastery and that commitment to everything that you do that you just are such a light and a force in this world. So thank you.

Thank you, Melissa. Let's keep impacting together and continuing to do the work.

Thank you all so much for being here at Grief and Guts as Layden's mom. Being able to spread the stories, the strategies, the lessons I have learned through Layden and from Layden is the thing that means the most to me in this world and allowing my daughter's short life to have long and lasting impact by shining her light. Truly, nothing means more if you align with and believe in the work that we're doing here and these messages. The best way to give back and to spread this out into the world is to rate and review on Spotify and on itunes. Thank you for taking just a moment to do that. Feel free to shoot me a message. Let me know what you want to hear more of, what you want to see more of. I am here to serve. I'm grateful to do so, and I'm cheering you on in your journeys.

Always.