2: Leyden's tree

Hello, friends, and welcome to Grief Guts and Green Smoothies. I am your host, Melissa Dugalecki, and I am so excited to be here with you all to chat about ways in which we can all get through different adversities, challenges, and loss, and how getting outside of our comfort zone and maybe having a green smoothie or two can help us do so. Where we cover different topics ranging from interviews to. To recipes, to sharing my own stories of my grief journey and the loss of my daughter, Laden. And I'm honored to be able to share her light in hopes of helping you spread yours. Now let's dive in. Hello, friends, and welcome to Grief Guts and Green Smoothies. My name is Melissa Dugulecki. On this podcast, we use our time and space to really reflect on different ways we can manage our mind, bodies, and bellies to feel our very best. And reminding ourselves that when we feel our very best, we can then give our very best to others. Too often we are told to put ourselves aside, and that leads to burnout, exhaustion, fatigue. So we're going to start flipping the script here. I'm super excited today to share with you a story about compassion, a story that has taught me to kind of trust the universe, to take some deep breaths and really guided a lot of my own journey. I've shared it with my group that I call Team Laden. You are welcome to join. You can just send me a little message if you want. Team Laden is the group that really kind of rallied at first around me through the loss of Laden and became a space where I could share lessons from Layden. I could do a lot of processing and talking to them about things I learned and stories of other children and other families and a place where we spread, you know, kindness, where we. Where we grow. And it's an honor for me as Layden's mom to be able to do that. Any new listeners who aren't aware of my story, I am a bereaved mother. I lost my daughter Layden when she was four months old to nec, which is nec. She was treated at Boston Children's Hospital. And I thank you for being a part of this journey because it allows me to spread her light, which is the most important thing to me. So right to the story. This story is actually about Layden's tree. So anyone not from the Boston area, in the city of Boston, first you need to come visit. But in the city of Boston downtown area, right between downtown and Back Bay, there is the Boston Public Garden and the Boston Common. And this was a significant place for us because when we were in the hospital, Leighton's father and I would run from the hospital to the public garden. It was about a two mile run. It was a chance for us to kind of get out, move our bodies, clear our mind, escape the beeping and the chaos of the hospital, which was really draining. And also, he and I had become really close through running previously. So it was just a nice way for us to find that connection and keep that connection, you know, despite a really stressful environment. Right when we would get to the entrance of the public garden, which happens to be right near our church, we would stop and then we would walk the garden. And we would use this time of walking the garden to really process and to talk about what decisions we are faced with. I mean, they were very intense decisions. Layden's case was a roller coaster ride. It was, you're going home and then something became complicating. And then quickly we'd be going home, and then something became complicating. So through all this, I mean, every day we were faced with essentially life, you know, threatening decisions that we had to make. So, you know, we didn't take this lightly. And it was our chance to. Then, you know, we'd run back and we'd feel like we had more of a game plan. So it was a place where we did a lot of our game planning. After Layden died, the garden was very special to us, and it's a place that I would find a lot of strength and a lot of healing. And right when we walked in, right at that spot, kind of on the corner of Arlington and Boylston street, for my Bostonians, there was a tree, and that was a tree that we decided we were going to make Leyden's tree. So Leyden was cremated, and my aunt had gotten me a necklace where you could put some ashes. So doing that, I was very nervous that they were going to scatter. And I decided, well, if anything scatters, I want it to be at the tree. So went to the tree, and from then on, this became Laydon's tree. Thing is, there's actually another plaque on it. The tree was owned by somebody else. But we reasoned and we said, well, we never really see them around, and I don't think they would mind sharing with Layden anyway. So this is. We're just going to make this Leyden's tree. And we did. So Mother's Day, I would spend there. Laydon's birthday. I would go there. One of my best friends from college got a ribbon with Layden's name on it. I would hang it there. I remember hanging it on Christmas Eve and taking it down the day after Christmas. My family went there. We have family photos there. So this was kind of a place to go to. It felt very healing and it was very comforting. So one day I was running and I was running through the garden. And this was about two years later, after Layton passed. I was running through the garden and I come across Leighton's tree. And I stopped dead in my tracks. The tree was no longer there. It was now a stump. The words that came out of my mouth as I looked at the universe, wondering, are you kidding me? Can you at least give me an effing tree? As I've shared, when it comes to fight or flight, I'm typically fight. Actually, by typically, I mean I always fight. I hopped right on the phone and I called the Boston Public Garden and I wanted to know how on earth they could have cut down Layden's trade. Now, the woman who I was speaking with was. Her name is Mary. And Mary taught me a lot about life. Mary was very confused at first and apologetic and said, I'm so sorry. Did we not notify you? Is this your tree? Can you please help me understand? And then I retracted and was like, well, no, it's actually someone else's tree, but. But I still want to know, like, why did it come down? And she proceeded to tell me that, you know, she was very sorry the tree had been sick. I was like, of course the tree was sick. Of course the one tree I picked for Laden was sick. After I had, like, my little moment of poor me, I asked more questions and I shared my story. And I explained to her, look, Mary, this is what happened. And she just completely met me with nothing but compassion. Mary was like, I am so deeply sorry. So I asked what our options were. And Mary explained that there's actually a wait list to get trees in the Boston Public Garden and that they don't plant them regularly and that it was probably going to be a while before they did it again. She offered the alternative of sponsoring a bench. But for me, that bench just. It didn't feel right. You know, Layden was a baby. She was an infant. When I think of bench, I think of sitting on somebody's lap. And this was, for me personally, I think of tree, I think of growth. And I just wanted a place where I could kind of see growth because I didn't get to see leading grow. And so, you know, I declined the bench. But, you know, Mary really taught me in that moment, she had every right, she was very entitled to hang up with, you know, crazy pants on the phone and not give me any time of day, right? And, in fact, she probably had every right to go then talk to somebody at the water cooler about the crazy pants woman on the phone who just called demanding to know about a tree that she didn't actually own. But she didn't do any of that. She didn't judge. She led with curiosity. She led with compassion. And, you know, that was a game changer. And then it gave me a safe space to share my story. And in sharing my story, Mary then had a deeper level of empathy and understanding. And so a few months later, I was at lunch with a different college roommate, and my phone rang, and it was Mary. And Mary said, melissa, you're not going to believe it. We have four pink tulip trees that are being planted in the public garden, and they are very close to where Layden's tree was. Would you like one? I mean, tears. And I had that panic of, oh, my goodness. I mean, the sponsorship fee is, you know, it's expensive. You know, the value, financial value is expensive. And I had that momentary like, oh, my goodness, I can't do that. And then I had this, how can I not do that? You know, where am I placing value? And I'm so glad that I just immediately said yes, because now we actually have a legitimate tree for Leyden in the garden. It's got her plaque on it if anybody wants to check it out. It is two down from the Sumner statue, so two to the left. It's by Arlington and Boylston Street. But what's really incredible is that then, last year, now, as the tree owners, my family and I, we. I have not done, really, presents since Layden died for the holidays. For me, I have chosen to change tradition because I had a very hard time carrying on traditions without Leiden. So for me, what I've learned from Layden is that time and connection are the most valuable things. So I choose to spend time and forge connections with my family at the holidays. So I take them to dinner. We go to dinner in Boston. And last year, we got to go not only to Leighton street and take a picture, we got to decorate it. We put some lights up, we put some ornaments up, and I'm hoping we can do that again this year. And it's just really meaningful and so. So many layers, right? So many lessons here. I mean, one takeaway is, you know, knowing one. Like, we're not entitled to anything. You know, a lot of Times we attach ourselves to thinking or entitled to things that we're not. I wasn't entitled to that tree staying there. You know, even if I'd owned it, I wasn't really entitled to that and remembering that and allowing that to be humbling, even if it's challenging, you know, another is just to trust and have some patience at that momentary panic. And I think really the most powerful is leading with compassion and curiosity. Because what Mary heard was just a struggling, pained, bereaved mother. And she didn't know that. Right? Caller ID doesn't say struggling, pained, bereaved mother. Right. My story in the moment wasn't struggling, pained, or bereaved mother. My story was, why did you cut down that tree? That's how I communicated it. I should have done a better job communicating at the time. I didn't have the capacity. My heart was broken. Right. But Mary led with compassion and curiosity, not even knowing my story. And I think that is one of the most powerful lessons that we can learn and that we can share and that we can continue. Because whether it's somebody calling, asking why something happened, or somebody, you know, even pointing a finger or somebody lashing out, most of the time underneath the way that that surfaces and manifests, it's struggle and it's hurt, and we lead with compassion and curiosity. Well, we might be able to touch that person, right? We might be able to help that person, might be able to get at that source, and what a gift to be able to do that with our time. So I hope that this offers you the space to maybe think about where you can lead with compassion and curiosity, whether it's in work or in your personal relationships or family or whatever it may be. But it's pretty empowering to do. I would love to hear your thoughts, and I would also love it if you would go and just drop me a note, let me know what you think. You can send me a message or check out the website griefandguts.com and of course, follow the podcast, because that is how we can grow and we want to grow Team Leaden. So thank you so much, friends. Talk soon.