21: How to manage the milestone days

Hello, friends, and welcome to Grief Guts and Green Smoothies. I am your host, Melissa Dugalecki, and I am so excited to be here with you all to chat about ways in which we can all get through different adversities, challenges and loss and how getting outside of our comfort zone and maybe having a green smoothie or two can help us do so. We will cover different topics ranging from interviews to recipes to sharing my own stories of my grief journey and the loss of my daughter, Layden. Honored to be able to share her light in hopes of helping you spread yours. Now, let's dive in. Hey everyone. I am so excited that this week I get to dive a lot deeper into grief. And grief is a widely misunderstood topic. And I believe that it's through it being misunderstood, it feels really overwhelming. And so my goal is to use this week to break it down. And each day, Monday through Friday, I will have a short sprint episode hitting a different topic of grief. You can go back and listen to them. Let me know what you think, and I hope that you will learn a lot of new tools that will support you or the people in your lives in managing this inevitable energy. Now, I think universally nobody welcomes in grief. Nobody wants it. For those of you just tuning in, my grief journey started in 2014 and it was this week, June 19, 2014. I lost my daughter Laden at Boston Children's Hospital. So I'm dedicating this week in honor of her life and in my grief journey to helping disempower the overwhelm of grief and empower each of you to manage and navigate it with a little more clarity and a little more confidence. Let's get started. Friends, we have made it to day two of getting a little bit grittier in understanding our grief. And like we established in yesterday's episode, if you didn't catch it, go ahead and give it a listen. It's there waiting for you. Which really breaks down the different types of grief and just how many there are. Today we're going to talk about when you're grieving, how to handle the big days. And this is a little bit more specific to loss of life. Whether it's someone that you love, someone you know, people can be very impacted by celebrities or people who had an influence in their lives, whether it's a pet or maybe it's just a big milestone date that has a lot of significance for you. It represents a change or loss, whether it's divorce or a job change or something else. So we're going to talk about those dates and how they play into grief and most importantly, how to navigate through them to the best of our ability. And it was interesting because I was working with a client, I was coaching a client just this week who was sharing how around a time that was an anniversary, a milestone in her life, she felt really tired, angry, she was snapping. She had what she thought would be called brain fog. You know, that really foggy feeling when we're just not thinking clearly. It kind of feels like there's a cloud in our head. And she was trying to figure out what it was. And I said, it's grief. This is how grief presents. And it's something that the more we're aware of, the more we can navigate it. Well, so you're already doing it, you're building your awareness, you're here. So now you're going to equip yourself and others to better navigate it. So when we talk about these anniversaries and these big days, they obviously carry a lot of significance. I mean, for example, June 19th is the anniversary that my daughter Layden passed. That's why this entire week, the week of her passing, educating a little bit more on grief. Because that's the way that I feel good about managing this big day, this quote, unquote big day. It doesn't make her any more here, any more gone. It's just what feels really good for me. And I think it's important to know that what feels really good for me is going to feel really different for anyone else and honoring that and not forcing it. So when we are looking at these big anniversaries, yes, as my client experienced these different energies, they come up. We can feel foggy, tired, angry, short tempered. For me, full transparency. This week before Laden's anniversary, I find that I need a lot more spaciousness. I can't do a lot of loud noise. I can't do a lot of stimulation. Normally I go to a lot of kind of high intensity classes with loud music. I can't do those. I shouldn't say I can't. I choose not to, right? I choose not to because it's just too much stimulation. And it actually brings me back to those days right after my loss, after the grief, when I couldn't go out in public like a grocery store was so overwhelming. So these, my body is kind of feeling this again and it knows what's coming and it remembers what we've experienced. That fight or flight kicks in, right. That defense mechanism, that guardedness. And so honoring that and recognizing that allows me to navigate through without completely Forcing it. And so of course, awareness is where we want to start, but then alignment, right? Direct communication. So if you know that you maybe you're the opposite and you need more stimulation and you have to be around kind of noise and people just communicating that, asking for people to help you out, you know, if you know that you need more space, communicating that, let people know it's not personal. You just like need a little bit more you time right now. And the more you become aware of it, the better equipped you are to manage it in a way that feels best for you. And so that's one of the first things I want to talk about, is understanding what you need and directly communicating it to people around you. So no matter what the anniversary is, the big day is understanding what you need and communicating it directly with the people around you. And that's going to look different. For example, Layden's father and I handle grief very differently. Always have more to come on that. And it's not a right or wrong, it's an honoring what we need and then communicating around it. And so for me, even at times it was communicating with my mom, especially around those first holidays after the anniversaries, my mom just wanted to know I was okay. She wanted me to be there with them because she wanted to share her love and she wanted me to feel great. For me, going and spending a holiday without Laden when I had envisioned having her with me, every single holiday going forward was too much, right? So instead of just ignoring it or not responding or going and then leaving, I had to really be honest and directly communicate to my mom what I needed. But that gave her the tools to then meet that need. Because innately, people want to help. People want to support the people in our lives who are trying to support, even if they're trying in ways that don't feel good for you, just remember they're trying like they're really doing the best they can to support you. And so let's try and keep that in mind. A lot of the words tries, but keep that in mind when maybe somebody feels like they're putting pressure or they're doing the wrong, wrong thing. It's not right or wrong, it just doesn't align with what you need. But their heart is in a place of support. The more you can equip them in a way to support you, the happier both parties are going to be. Another example of direct communication is looking at, as you approach an anniversary or a holiday, looking at places where you might have responsibilities. So for me, with Mooch being able to communicate with her. This is Laden's anniversary. This is my plan for it. I intend to do X, Y, and Z. I will likely not do A, B, C, whatever it may be. And having that, setting expectations, getting them on board, talking to people who might ask to spend the day with you and say, for me, it's, well, I have this going on. I'd like to hold space for me to be alone, and then I want to see. I want to see how it feels. I plan to be by Leighton's tree. Thanks for understanding. And this is something I coach a lot. Mooch and I coach a lot, especially in move group, is not apologizing. This was something I learned in my grief journey. Like, I can't apologize to everybody for needing to wait and see how I feel, but I can thank them for understanding. I can be appreciative of their willingness to give me that flexibility, that fluidity. And if they can't, that's okay. I'm not going to get upset with them. But I also can't compromise what I need. So that likely means they just won't be a part of that day. So understanding that, right, we can put out there our truth, directly communicate our truth. And if that aligns with somebody, great, it's a fit. If it doesn't, that's okay. Let them choose what aligns for them. You choose what aligns for you. And if it's not always congruent, if it's not always in sync, that is absolutely okay. Allow for the ebb and flow of relationships. Allow for the waves of different supports and different phases. Different people are going to be really instrumental at different points in your journey. And there's something beautiful about that. That's okay. We get ourselves in trouble when we try to force. To force somebody to align into the way we want them to. It's like, think of it as, like, you know, that little big sphere, and it has all the shapes in it with the blocks. Some of them are plastic, some of them are hardwood. And you want to put the square and the square and the circle and the circle and the star and the star. Well, what you don't want to do is try and put the star in the circle because it's not going to fit. And so many people try to do that in life and in grief. So especially in grief around these anniversaries. Let's not force anything. Let's see what really flows. Which leads to my next point. I believe when we are preparing for these anniversaries and Milestones, we have to strike a balance between spaciousness for energy to surface, for us to access what we need, for us to not feel claustrophobic, overwhelmed, and structure. So enough structure so we're not just kind of out and about with no idea. Like, just imagine this, like energy with no kind of boundary, just flowing of when it's going to start, when it's going to stop. So finding that balance that feels good for you. Now, if you haven't listened to the episode on capacity, I recommend that you go listen to it. If you're preparing for a milestone or a big day or you just want to understand more. Now, again, this could be in grief. This could be in a job change, like I said, a divorce. So many different ways this grief can show. It doesn't have to just be loss. But you want to find that balance between having spaciousness to do what feels good. Because when your capacity, when your capacity is already limited, so think of a tank and it's already full, like you're already overflowing, one more thing pours into that you can pop. So when our tanks are really full emotionally around anniversaries and milestones, like my client referenced, that brain fog, that anger, that frustration. So when we're there, if our day is so structured or we don't have any space, we are really vulnerable to breakdowns, to exploding. So we gotta create spaciousness in this limited capacity, we gotta create some spaciousness. But with that, we don't want to just be floating around, not sure where to go, kind of wandering. We want to have different things that we can choose from. Maybe part of your day structured, part of it's not. But finding that balance and take a moment, right, to really think about what finding that balance is for you, between having enough space and having enough structure. And it's going to look different for everyone. Because for me, the amount of structure I can have in my day now, five years later, is very different than that first year. That first year, there was no structure. I knew who I was going to spend time with, and that was about it. And we committed to spending time, committed to a couple of different things, but very, very, very loose. And it was kind of just a bit of a wandering of a day of getting through the day. And it has changed. It has changed every year based on my capacity and where I'm at. For me, this year, I knew I wanted to do something that felt good, but I wouldn't probably want to commit to doing it on Layden's actual anniversary. So I'm not doing live podcasts or live recordings around grief on Layden's anniversary because that felt a little bit suffocating. The pressure of doing it on that day just felt like this giant weight. So I thought, well, how can I achieve my goal in a different way? So here we are, our five day Grief Sprint podcast. Thanks for tuning in. So we've talked about direct communication with the people around you, which of course you need awareness. We talk about managing that pressure valve, that tank, so that you have space and that you have some structure. And then I want to talk about actually more practical implications, things that you can integrate today, right? If you have an anniversary or milestone or anything coming up, you can take this away. This is a great action step for you because the other ones are a little bit more around knowing your energy, building awareness, a little more brainstorming. This is action, right? So my Pitta types, my type A's, you're gonna like this. I want you to come up with a plan A, B, C and D for this anniversary, this milestone. And I want them to be different enough that they're going to offer different experiences. The range can vary based on what feels right for you. But essentially what I want you to do is have plan A, B, C and D ready so that when this date hits, when it comes, you can decide which one you want to implement. You can communicate directly with people around it, people who care about you and support you will understand that you need to have commitment to ideas, but not to a certain structure. So you have these ideas of what might feel good. And then you get up and you decide on that day or the day before, have plans A, B, C or D and you'll see, you'll see what a relief it can be to know that you have something to turn to so you're not just kind of floating around, right? But nothing that's too constricting. So this is kind of a way to build in that balance between space, container and so try it out, see how it feels. Ask a friend for help, ask a family member. Shoot it over to me. I would love to help you with that. Truly, truly, truly. So passionate about helping everyone manage grief. As we've discussed, grief is more than just the loss of a life. It's so real. So if you're feeling that brain fog, if you're feeling that fatigue, if you're feeling that lack of patience or maybe frustration, anger perhaps, know that it's real, right? There's a reason for it. And trust that you have both the choice and the ability to navigate in a way that can make you feel really good and even encourage growth. It's so hard. I wish I haven't grown through my grief. I would return my grief to not grow 100 times. And with that I can promise you that I truly believe in our very most broken, painful moments. Whether it's the loss itself or subsequent milestones, these are the times we have huge opportunity to grow, to connect more deeply with ourselves, to connect more meaningfully and authentically with others, to honor what we've encountered so that we're standing in our truth and living our lives meaningfully in a way that's fulfilling, in a way that's going to serve us good and hopefully make a great impact on this world. Because I believe we all have the opportunity to make meaningful impact during our time here. And as you all know, I am so grateful that my daughter Layden's Light is a way in which I can make impact with all of your support. Whether it's encouraging others to learn about the grief journey or gut health or trusting in their own strength, shining Layden's Light is really what means the most to me during this week of our Sprint podcast episodes. Going Deeper in grief. Thanks for tuning in and honoring my grief journey in the battle Laden fought, which she lost on June 19, 2014. And I am so grateful. As much as I miss her and I would take her back, trade all of us in, right? I don't have that opportunity. I don't have that option. So I am so grateful that from this incredible loss we are able to do learning and growing together and help Layden shine on. And if this resonates with you, please spread it with anybody who might be grieving and benefit from this or just going through a hard time. Right? It doesn't have to be as intense as loss, but just going through a hard time. And of course always appreciate if you can pop on over to itunes, just take a minute to rate to review. That's going to help us grow this mission and spread Layden's Light. Talk to you all soon. Bye friends.