23: Linking objects and grief gifts

Hello, friends, and welcome to Grief Guts and Green Smoothies. I am your host, Melissa Dugalecki, and I am so excited to be here with you all to chat about ways in which we can all get through different adversities, challenges, and loss and how getting outside of our comfort zone and maybe having a green smoothie or two can help us do so. We will cover different topics, ranging from interviews to recipes, to sharing my own stories of my grief journey and the loss of my daughter, Layden. Honored to be able to share her light in hopes of helping you spread yours. Now, let's dive in. Hey, everyone. I am so excited that this week I get to dive a lot deeper into grief. And grief is a widely misunderstood topic. And I believe that it's through it being misunderstood, it feels really overwhelming. And so my goal is to use this week to break it down. And each day, Monday through Friday, I will have a short sprint episode hitting a different topic of grief. You can go back and listen to them. Let me know what you think, and I hope that you will learn a lot of new tools that will support you or the people in your lives in managing this inevitable energy. Now, I think universally, nobody welcomes in grief. Nobody wants it. For those of you just tuning in, my grief journey started in 2014, and it was this week, June 19, 2014, I lost my daughter Laden at Boston Children's Hospital. So I'm dedicating this week in honor of her life and in my grief journey to helping disempower the overwhelm of grief and empower each of you to manage and navigate it with a little more clarity and a little more confidence. Let's get started. Hey, friends, and welcome back. We are in the midst of our grief sprint week. So typically on the podcast Grief Guts and Green Smoothies, we bounce around between different stories, interviews with different people. But this week, we are doing five sprint episodes, yes, five on different aspects of grief. Today, we are getting into linking objects. Linking objects and grief gifts. So two things that can be similar, they can be completely separate and they're really related to the grief process. Now, remember, what we've learned so far this week is that grief is not only in the death of someone we know or that we love. It can be a change in relationship, it can be moving, it can be a change of career, it can be a sick person in the family, loss of a pet, and then within loss. Yeah, loss of a pet. It can be loss of a loved one, loss of a mentor, it can be miscarriage. All these different types of Grief. And as we also talked about, a lot has to do with the intensity of our attachments to these is gonna impact the way in which we grieve, Right. And the intensity of it. But it's not a comparison game. There's no right or wrong right here. We're just building awareness and creating tools. So today we are talking linking objects. So linking objects are literally objects that link you to your loss, to the person you love, maybe to that former thing that you are attached to. In this case, I'll be specifically talking more about examples with Laden and the linking objects that connected me to her and the roles have played over time and how that shifted. I first learned about linking objects, I had a grief coach. But when I first learned about linking objects, you know, it was shortly after Layden died. Her father was, you know, there, and I was crying about how I was never going to be able to fall asleep and would I ever be able to sleep again, and how was I going to get through this? I was shaking in the bed. I was curled up in a ball. And he looks at me and looks down and sees Leiden's blanket. He sees a quilt I had made, an 8 by 11 photo of Layden's face, her stuffed animal, her Curious George, her wub, a nub, which was named Olivia, a couple of her hats, I believe, one of her jackets and a few other things. Literally just sprawled in the bed with me. And he looked at me and just said, do you think it might help to not have all of these things here? And the look I shot, words were not necessary. Nobody was taking those linking objects from me. And so when I shared this story in not the most amused way with my grief coach, she really helped me understand what linking objects were and what they were doing for me. So these were literally linking me to Layden. And right after her loss, I wanted everything to link me to her. So some examples for me in particular, they're gonna be different for everyone. But for her, it was her stuffed animals, blanket, pictures. I said, olivia, her wubba nub, her hats. We loved putting hats on her, a few pairs of her socks. When she was really sick in the hospital, we couldn't put clothes on her. And when she was healthy, we loved dressing her up in different outfits. And the nurses would always have fun kind of picking out her outfits and joked about her wardro. And she had a lot of loving friends and family who supplied that wardrobe. And so when she couldn't wear clothes, we found socks, like, really cute, fun socks, and would change those every day to be able to do something. And, you know, one of those socks is still in my car to this day. And it's just kind of quietly in its own little spot. But for me, it's a linking object. I like prints from her rooms, and one that was really interesting was her car seat. So Layden's car seat was in my car because we had been home when we went into the hospital. We weren't planning on being there as long as we were, and we weren't planning on never leaving without Layden. So her car seat was a linking object for me. That took me probably about four to five months to take out of my car. I found comfort in just looking back and seeing it in the backseat. So these are objects that link a person to loss. Now it's going to be different for everybody based on their relationship, their loss, whatever it may be. There's a balance, right? We don't want to have too much. And as I began to learn how to navigate and to feel a connection to Laden more internally, I relied on these less externally. First, it was taking the car seat out. But there are still a lot of things that I have and some new ones that I've collected along the way. Researchers say that we want to be aware of what these linking objects are and how attached we are to them, and we also want to be aware of how detached we are from them. Because if a person can't be around linking objects, that's likely a sign that there's a lot more work to be done in that grief journey. Right. Not being able to face it. And it was very interesting. I was having my singlet done for the Boston Marathon, and for my singlet in running the Boston Marathon, I had Leighton's face put on it, which is a really common thing for anyone running in memory of somebody or maybe running for somebody who's sick. And so I had Layden's face put on it. And it was at this little kiosk at, you know, tiny little strip mall that they did this. And one of the gentlemen working there asked who it was, and I said, it's my daughter. And he said, how old? And I said she would be. And I said, how old she would be at that time. And he got really upset and told me that when I went home, I needed to hide of the pictures and put them away and move on with my life. And luckily, I was in a whole enough place in my grief that I didn't argue, I didn't fight. I just looked at him and thought I Wonder what loss he's endured. I wonder what loss he's endured that he's unable to touch. And this has now triggered that in him. Because this was nothing about me. This was my choice to make. Needless to say, I didn't take his advice. But there are these extremes. So we want to be able to use linking objects in a way that it feels good for us, and it's going to be different for everyone. Grief is really unique, but we want to be aware that it's not completely untouchable, that we can't be around them at all, and that we're also not unable to leave them. For me, one of the some of the grief gifts that I got became linking objects. So I want to touch on that as well. So the linking objects I've had to lay down at first were really, really directly attached to her, and then they became almost secondary linking objects. So something that reminded me of her, but maybe not actually be hers. And one of my favorite. If you see really any photo of me, you'll always see me wearing my L initial. And I was maybe emotional shopping on a Mother's Day after she passed. And it was about a year, maybe two after she passed, and I was in this tiny little shop, and I stumbled on this very simple, delicate L necklace, and it just struck me. And I now have four or five of them because the chain is so delicate, it has broken many times. So they know me in the store, and I'll reorder them. And they've been great about repairing them. But that's something for me that's almost become a secondary linking object. It wasn't Laden's, but it's links me to her. I feel as though I'm carrying her. And I like it because it's very subtle. Most people don't notice it or really think much of it. That was kind of my own grief gift. Slash, linking object. And these are things that anyone can create or anyone can make or find, and it's got to feel right for them. Which brings me to grief gifts. So when there is a loss, typically everyone wants to give or do something. Sometimes they give cash, Sometimes they bring meals, cookies, cards, flowers. And I'm often asked, what are some other grief gifts that I can give to somebody? And I think it's a really beautiful thing to think about and really consider it as well. And I also believe it should be, you know, unique to what your personality is and what feels right for you. But I'm excited to share some things that I've seen Witnessed or even received that I thought were really powerful. So as I mentioned, I found a necklace with an L on it. But I had some beautiful necklaces given. You know, some were more spiritual or religious. Some were hearts with lady's name on it, a locket. So those are really beautiful ways for somebody to give me essentially a grief gift that was also a linking object. One of the necklaces I received was actually an urn necklace and that's more and more common. So it's a necklace that has a little space to place ashes. They also have now if you look on Etsy, people who specialize in creating jewelry from ashes. So whether it's rings, they actually work it into like a stone, into like a gel, a gem. So the ashes are integrated in there for rings, necklaces or earrings. Similar jewelry design is done with locks of hair. So those are actually ways that people are creating to give a gift of carrying a loved one literally. Obviously, homemade meals are always a really nice option. Gift cards for restaurants, when somebody doesn't quite have the capacity. Bringing groceries, I think is a really nice thing. I had friends that brought, you know, it was like a rotating door of everyone knew me so well, like chips, salsa, guacamole and ice cream just came in the rounds. And to take that out of my to do list was really thoughtful. I still think of that cards. And I think there's something really powerful about putting a reminder on your phone and sending a card after time has passed because there's a lot of support in the immediacy. But you know, that day you get that last card, it can be hard when you open the mailbox and there isn't one there. And of course you're not going to get cards forever. But I think it's a thoughtful thing to consider putting an alarm in your calendar to maybe send somebody a card down the road a few months out. Photo books, another great way. Framed photos. And again, know the person that you're giving to. Does this feel good for them? There are a lot of people who can create prints out of hand prints. So I actually had some of those made. I had Layden's handprint mold taken and created into a print that was made. You know, her print on a baseball, her print creating a tree. So just different things that worked well. You know, lyrics put into a print that might remind you of somebody. If there are songs, you can actually look up the song wave and have a print made of that, which I think is really neat as well. A drawing. Mooch is no stranger here. She's also an incredible artist, and she made this beautiful sketch from a photo, and that was an amazing grief gift. And then I actually had a quilt made. So this wasn't actually a grief gift as much as it was something I really wanted to have done, and someone helped me do it. So it. Yes, it was a gift. It was kind of like a collaboration. So I wanted to have Layden's outfits put into a quilt. Now, for an adult, this could be a sweatshirt blanket, a T shirt blanket. Those are pretty easy and common to find for Layden, who was so small, her clothes wouldn't take up that space. So actually, it was picking outfits to have cut and sewn into a quilt. Now, if you were looking at the quilt, you might not even know what it was. You would just see bright colors and different patterns. For me, I still remember every single thing on there, but in case I don't, someday I took a picture of it and then wrote exactly what it was. And a lot of the outlets were gifts from people, so that was noted as well. These are all different ways that we can offer grief gifts, and it doesn't have to be anything crazy. I think a text message is a great gift as well. And the one thing that I would advise against is, is not doing something for somebody, right? Or with an expectation to their reaction. So not doing it for them without asking or offering something with an expectation to their reaction. For example, if we're making a meal and we bring that meal to a family or an individual grieving, we want to make and deliver that meal without attachment to them eating it. Because if that person isn't feeling well or that food isn't going to sit right, if they now feel guilt or worry that they have to eat that meal in that moment to make you feel good, it's no longer about them. It's about you. And this is something I have to be aware of. It's very human, right? If we give somebody something, we want to be detached from how they use it. We want it to be our offering of love and support, and they get to choose how and if they receive it. And the other thing is not making assumptions over what somebody should be doing, how they should be handling it. And with all the best intentions. I encountered that as well. Right. There were individuals that wanted to tell me what needed to be done. You know, I had a possible idea, and they might have thought that it could go a certain way and really push that. And we got to give people the space to grieve on their own. So we can offer things, we can share things, but we gotta detach from whether or not they do it because it's their choice to make. It's not our choice. So as we dive into this week of grief, understanding the power of linking objects, understanding that over time our attachment to them is going to change, it's going to ebb, it's going to flow. That urn necklace I referenced was one that when I lost it, I honestly had a panic attack. And in time I have now prepared myself that if it falls off, if I lose it, I found it by the way. Actually, my cousin found it by the way. If I lost it, I'm okay with that. I'm just trusting that Laden wanted to be spread somewhere in the universe and that place needed layden. I had to get there on my own, in my own time. So notice that the role that linking objects play in our grief journey is going to be dependent on the intensity of the grief and where an individual is on their own healing path. Healing does not mean getting over it, right? That's not how grief works. But healing means our ability to navigate it, to carry it, to manage. Is my hope that by understanding linking objects, grief gifts, and how to give in a way that's detached from outcome, that's truly about the other person, not about us needing to feel better. We can really support ourselves and support others in these inevitable grief journeys. Because remember, grief is not just loss of life, it is something that none of us sign up for. But I have yet to meet somebody who will not encounter at some point in their life. So I think it's pretty darn important that we do what we can to equip ourselves to navigate it as productively and compassionately as possible. Thank you all for being on this journey and helping me do so. If you are inclined, please share this, send it to anybody that might benefit. I wish there were more resources out there around grief, so I'm doing what I can to help with that. I appreciate you joining my mission to do so and if you hop on itunes and rate and review, that's going to help us as well. Any questions, Feedback, Comments? Find me on Instagram. Find me on my website. I am so excited to be on this journey with you and we will talk soon. One day left in this sprint week.