28: The guts of gossip (or the need for love)

Hello, friends, and welcome to Grief, Guts and Green Smoothies. I am your host, Melissa Dugalecki, and I am so excited to be here with you all to chat about ways in which we can all get through different adversities, challenges and loss and how getting outside of our comfort zone and maybe having a green smoothie or two can help us do so. We will cover different topics ranging from interviews to recipes to sharing my own stories of my grief journey and the loss of my daughter Layden. Honored to be able to share her light in hopes of helping you spread yours. Now let's dive in. Hey friends, welcome back. My name is Melissa Duglucky. I am so excited to be chatting here with you guys every week talking about different things related to grief, guts and green smoothies, which can be seemingly unrelated, right, for many of you. But when we really tear down, when we really get down to it and we talk about grief and we talk about guts and bravery and green smoothies in the sense of gut, health and self care, they're really so incredibly intertwined. All things in which, of course, I learned from my daughter Laden, and it's my joy and privilege to spread her light and share it with all of you today. This episode was actually not planned. I've kind of rerouted, detoured from what I initially intended to talk about. The good news is there's plenty of time, right? Plenty of episodes to come. But last week on Instagram, you guys know how much I love Instagram. I put up a post about how to deal with gossip and negative people and those types of energies. And the private messages, the comments, the response was pretty incredible, especially those DMs. You guys blew up my DMs. So many questions, so many ideas, so many thoughts or related stories. And so I thought we need to go deeper in here. So that is what we're doing. In this Sprint episode. I'm going to be talking about gossip, negativity and a term that really filled my inbox from all of you, which was two faced, an interesting term. We're going to talk about it. I'm going to tell you how to deal with these things, how to look internally with these things and how to use your energy to grow through even these seemingly blockages for growth. So let's dive in. All right? Gossip, negativity and quote unquote, being two faced, which is a pretty funny term, but if you break it down, it really means that somebody has two faces. They're showing different people, different faces, right? So we're going to talk about these things. And I put a post up like I said last week and it got a lot of response. And I think it's interesting because it's indicative that so many of us can relate to gossip, drama, negativity, criticism. And it's a huge energy suck. You know, we talk all about energy. It's my jam, it's my favorite thing. And these energies, right, they're all essentially from the same vibe. So if we look at the Bible, if we talk about high vibes and low vibes, you know, there's so many different ways that people kind of categorize these two fields of energy. We like to use high vibes and low vibes here. So all of these things ultimately root in low vibes. And more and more I've been talking and I got to draw this out. But more and more I like to envision layers of these vibes. So if you take gossip and if you take negativity and you take criticism, and you take being two faced or fake, however you want to label it, that is an outer layer of a deeper vibe. And that vibe is the need for connection, that need for security, that need for belonging, that need for safety. And ultimately below that is that need for love. And I think at the core of everything is that need for love, belonging and safety. And we can go real deep in psychology studies on that, but we're keeping this a sprint episode. We are staying on target. So I want to give you some strategies on when you hear these things, when you hear these different manifestations that come out in a less than positive way, put it that way, a less than positive way, how do we deal with it? I do want to offer the disclaimer because I have spoken with so many of you about this. Whether it's in one on one coaching, whether it's in the group coaching, or whether it's just in my DMs and Facebook or Instagram or in person. This episode is not about any one person. I know so many of you are going to hear it and be like, oh my God, she is talking about me. We totally talked about that. That was my question on the caller. That was something that I said when we were coaching one on one. I promise you know how important integrity of my word is. I promise this is not about any one person. This is about a collection of experiences, observations and me wanting to give so many of you the tools because I see the demand out there because this seems to be a universal energy suck. And I don't like energy suck. So we're going to talk about it. So there are so many different manifestations and we need to kind of break down and sort out that there are different manifestations of the way these energy drains come out. One of the most common every day is just having that exaggeration, that level of drama and exaggeration. So that could present like everyone said this, or it's always this way or that will never happen. And now when I hear these things, I believe every behavior is asserting a need, right? So I'm going to teach you guys kind of a little insight into my brain. So I hear those things and my brain doesn't really listen to those things. My brain goes to what's the need being asserted. And for me, that need might be a comfort in a little bit of chaos. Maybe an addiction to drama, maybe a fear that something can't come true so they have to use the word never. Perhaps it's this need of belonging and so saying everyone and always is stating their case to be a part of it. Or maybe it's impacting their need of feeling left out. Whatever it may be, it's asserting a need. So my brain goes right to what they're needed. And when I hear these negative, kind of dramatic words of everyone, always, never, why me? These places that can put us in a space of victimization, of catastrophizing. Now, you always have a couple of choices. One, and I'll talk about this through each of these manifestations, is that we just don't argue. Because when you argue, you are giving energy to it. And when you give energy to something, it's going to grow. So the simplest is to just not argue meaning. Don't try and convince them why they're wrong. Don't try and point out, you know, why those words in that moment aren't the right choice. Because when we're in a place of low vibes and we feel criticized or judged or scrutinized, we're only going deeper in that low vibes. Nobody remember, talk about temper tantrums. Nobody in the middle of a temper tantrum says, this isn't really rational. I should probably stop having my temper tantrum. They got to cry it out, they got to get through it. So I see all of these manifestations of these low vibes as little mini temper tantrums. So think about it. You're not going to go and argue with somebody and try and rationalize during. Now you can very matter of factly, non judgmentally ask a clarifying question such as who is everyone? Who exactly do you mean when you say always, can you give me a couple of examples? When you say never, do you think it's impossible and you really want to be careful when you're saying these things that it's curiosity, right? And it's non judgmental, but you're gathering a little bit more information. If this is a place that you want to go into, if it's a place you don't need to go into, I would encourage you not to even go into it and just kind of let them do their thing. Like let them have their little party dance, their temper tantrum dance in their little place and just let them do it. Right? It's fine. Now if it's a conversation that you have to get into or something that you're trying to collaborate on or you're working together on, yes, absolutely. Clarifying questions would be my number one recommendation in here. And recognizing their need or the tools that they have, have them in a place where this drama maybe creates a little bit of excitement. Now, if you don't offer love and acceptance and belonging and all of these things at the very root that I believe they're seeking, you're going to, without lecturing them, begin to untrain them from these types of behavior. And again, this will hold true for all examples. But essentially, if they've learned that through drama or exaggeration or victimization that they get love and belonging and safety, they're going to keep doing that. But if they go to use those tools and don't get the love, belonging and safety from you they're seeking, they're not going to use those tools when they're with you anymore. All right, let's apply this to another example. Really common. Did you hear? Did you see? Really, really common. So did you hear? Did you see? Now of course it's going to be a little bit different if it's a Did you hear the Patriots are in the super bowl again? Yeah, that's not looking for drama or chaos versus a Did you hear so and so said this or did you see so and so did that? Now I'm sure we've all been on the giving end of these and we've all been on the receiving end of these. And for me, it's through both spectrums that I've really been able to break these things down and understand these behaviors and how it serves us or doesn't serve us. Again, we start with the surface level. Did you hear? Did you see? Immediately go a little deeper. What need are they asserting? It sounds to me like they're asserting some need for connection, some need for being in the know, some need for feeling important, maybe a fear of exclusivity. So immediately now, once I've established that I don't take it personally and I can lead with compassion in a situation like this, just like the last example, let's remember, if their goal is to find love and belonging and safety, and they know how to do that through. Did you hear? Did you see? Can you believe all of these kind of exclusive, gossipy ways of connecting? They're just reaching for the tools that they have in their toolbox. If they don't get to fix or have whatever they're looking for with you by using these tools, they're going to stop using these tools. So the most effective thing you can do is to simply not engage. Now, again, they're having a little temper tantrum here, right? In their own way. It's like an invisible temper tantrum. You can see it. They can't. You're not going to rationalize with them in that moment and say, you know, when you speak that way, it's a really negative way and it drains my energy and it's not going to help you grow. They're absolutely not gonna see it. The best thing you can do, simply reply like, no, I haven't been focusing on those types of things, or no, I'm not, you know, I really choose to keep my energy invested in myself, or no, I prefer not to get involved in those conversations. Now, you're not judging, you're not offended, you're not taking it personally. You're just maintaining integrity with your energy. You're establishing an energetic boundary. It could be as simple as no, a shrug and a change of subject. No apology, no energy given to it, no growth in that direction. But by doing this, you are setting the standard. You are clarifying what's acceptable to you and what's not. One of the most common things I see that everybody says they don't do drama. This was in reference to my post. But then they wonder why everybody comes to them with drama, gossip. Did you hear? Did you see? I'm going to give you the truth. If people are coming to you with those things, you are inviting it. You are creating a space for that. We're going to go deeper into that later in the episode when we talk about looking internally. But you can start pondering, processing that, maybe pause and think about that, because that's a pretty big one. All right, two more. The next one that I get asked a lot about is when people are Two faced, right? When they're fake. So again, we see this behavior and I see this all the time, especially in the world of social media, maybe particularly in the industries that I overlap with, think we're a little bit more vulnerable to it. And what I see when I hear somebody saying, oh, I don't, you know, I don't, I don't like that person or I don't like their choices or that person's really negative or did you see so and so's post? And then you turn around and they're commenting on that person's post. I love you so much. This is the best. You're the greatest. I miss you. Or they're constantly texting or emailing or socializing with the very people that they claim they don't want to associate with or whose behavior they don't necessarily align with, right? There's a disconnect, there's a lack of alignment here. And so I see a couple of things. So we see these things right? Surface level and we go a little bit deeper. So what's their need? And I see it as a real need to feel love and connected and accepted more than they feel worthy of standing in their truth and their values. I'll say that again. So their need for people to love and accept them is greater than their clarity or their feelings of worthiness to stand in their authentic truth. So when you look at it that way, all of a sudden, too faced or fake, however you want to term it, right? Just these low vibes coming out with different words we've attached to them actually something that you can feel really compassionate about. It's a little bit, you know, it's, I want to use the word sad, but I can feel a lot of compassion that somebody might feel that way, that they don't feel confident or whole enough in their own identity. So again, we're not going to argue. We're not going to argue with somebody throwing a temper tantrum. You're not going to say, I can't believe you commented on so and so's post because this is what you said last week. When I see this happen, I see it all the time. I simply take notes. I take notes. Now we can't control anyone else's energy, but we can control our own. And so you better believe if I see a chronic pattern of that, I'm taking notes. Somebody's telling me how much they love me or how great I am to them that there's not a whole lot of integrity to their word. I don't Judge them. I don't blame them. I'm not upset with them. But I'm not going to place a whole lot of weight in that. When I see them using that, their word, right, their love, quote, unquote love. And it's really not necessarily their love, it's their need to be loved. That's not going to feel as though, when they say it to me, that it's really authentic. So again, don't argue, but just simply take notes, right? And just let it be empowering. We have no control over other people. Trying to point it out isn't going to work. Now, if this is chronically happening or it's someone really close in your life, absolutely, you can have a conversation with them. You can let them know that, you know, it doesn't seem to align or match up. But you want to have these conversations when you're completely uncharged emotionally. If you go into these conversations emotionally charged, you are very quickly going to end up in low vibes, not going to go up. And the last manifestation in this category is criticism, negativity, judgment. Can you believe so and so was doing this? Or she wore that? Or did you see that? Or oh, I couldn't believe this. All these little things. Now, we've talked a lot about capacity. So remember, if somebody has that critical, negative judgment voice externally, they absolutely have it internally. So again, when I see these manifestations, I always look underneath, surface level. What we see at surface level is not necessarily what's at the root, what's at the core. And so here, quite often it could be the self criticism. And when you're constantly criticizing yourself, well, then maybe you're comparing and you're looking around. If you haven't heard my running analogy from when I used to have all these critical thoughts of runners going by, go back and listen. It's in a previous episode. You're curious about it, let me know, I'll find it for you. But we don't have this critical voice externally if we don't have it internally, right? We don't have the capacity to give something that we don't have within that goes positively, that goes negatively, that goes high vibes, that goes low vibes. So if you're around that, I would recommend not engaging again. We're not going to convince this temper tantrum to stop in the moment when they're charged up. The other common mistake that I see is that people try to counter it, right? So they say, okay, this person's being really negative. So I'm going to bring all the butterflies. I'm going to bring all the rainbows, I'm going to bring all the high vibes to counter this person's negativity. Theoretically, I get it, right? It should just balance out, should get us at ground zero. But what happens is anyone can relate to this. I can relate to this if I'm in a place of low vibes. For me, most often that happens with grief, right? So if I'm in a place of low vibes and somebody's uncomfortable with my low vibes or they don't want to be part of it and they come at me with all these high vibes, it's like, just let me have my little temper tantrum, right? Just let me be here in this space. And so when you go at somebody with these high vibes of like, well, I think everything's great and I think everything's wonderful, you're most likely going to push them away. They might shut down. They might realize what they're doing and feel ashamed. What you're doing is you're giving energy to the low vibes. Any type of energy is going to propel it in one direction. So what I recommend, just don't give it any energy. I guarantee you, if your friend Sally is coming to you all the time with negative things and you don't get into, oh, my gosh, that must be so hard. Oh, you poor thing. Or yes, I did see that. Oh, can you believe that Susie did that? If you don't get into that, Sally's going to stop coming to you with these energies because her tools right now are to take these tools to build her little goal. And her goal is love and connection and safety. If she can't build that using those tools, she's going to stop using those tools with you. Which leads me to the most important thing. We have no control. We have no control over Sally or Suzy or Bobby or whoever it may be and the drama and the chaos and all of these things, we have no control over them. They exist in our world. The media creates them. They're obsessed with them. I know from my own trainings, like they, they as in the media, the world, sales, whatever it may be, drama, self, the fear of disconnection sells. So recognize that these are ways of leading in low vibes to try to manipulate behavior, to try to get you to turn to or someone or as simple as click on a link online. People make money and they do research and studies around which headlines are going to draw you in. And they are the headlines of drama, believe me. These high vibe headlines are probably not the top sellers, but that's okay. Then don't live your life according to top sellers. There's nothing that says that has to be our code operating. Absolutely nothing. So what do we do with that? If we're feeling like these energy drains are happening, we absolutely have to look inside. Our energy is the only thing in this world we have control over. I work with so many people and I've been there. I understand we want to control and predict all of these external circumstances or energies. But the reality is the only place we have control is within our own. So how do we use it to grow? 1, we need to do a little self inventory. We need to look internally and if those manifestations that I just discussed, if those transpire for you within, think about what need is being asserted. And then consider what other forms you can use to meet that need. What positive ways that create growth and learning and compassion and connection can you take to feel love and safety. So do that little self inventory. Next, consider, what does impeccable with your word mean? Now this is one of the four agreements. You all know how I feel about the four agreements. Shout out Tom Brady. Shout out Miguel Ruiz. Amazing, right? So one of the agreements is be impeccable with your word. Now being impeccable with your word does not mean not lying. I think too many people confuse that for. Oh yeah, just don't lie. Not lying does not mean being impeccable with your word. Being impeccable with your word means your words, your thoughts. Because your words essentially are expressions of your thoughts. So your words and your thoughts have integrity, they have value. They're promoting growth. When you give that energy of your word out into this world, it brings meaning. It's not depleting others, it's not to hurt others. It's not two faced or fake. It really there is a level of you being impeccable with your word. So one, do some inventory. Two, write down, like go and write down what does impeccable with your word mean to you? And how can you be even more impeccable with your word? Because I promise you, no matter what, you can be even more impeccable with your word as you work towards that. Just like I asked you to bring compassion to other people, bring compassion to yourself. Because every behavior is asserting a need. So instead of beating yourself up, let's get curious about what the needs are and figure out how we can meet them in a healthy way. That's it. Every behavior is asserting a need. So too often we beat ourselves up for the behaviors and we leave the needs hanging and then we wonder why we go back to the same behaviors. So I want to not beat ourselves up. I want to lead with compassion. I want to forgive ourselves. I want to get curious about what the need is and change the tools we use to meet that need. Now think about it. And I touched on this in my post last week. If you are unsure or if you are feeling that you're impeccable with your word and you're compassionate and you're doing the best, a deeper level check Are people coming to you with gossip, drama, criticism, judgment? If they are, you are creating a space that fosters the growth of gossip, fakeness, negativity, judgment, criticism, period. There is no but. There is an and you can change it. But if people are coming to you to talk about what happened at the office, what happened over the weekend, the word on the street, you have used your energy in a way to create a safe space for that to be true. And the good news is you can completely undo it. It can change at any moment, right? Every single moment is a chance to redirect our energy and to do so in a way that promotes growth. It takes courage and it takes guts, grief, guts and green smoothies. I absolutely place this under guts because eliminating these things from our life when our society is completely addicted and when they sell is hard because it comes with that fear of disconnection. So rather than leading with a fear of disconnection, start shifting to lead with a trust and an opportunity and a compassion and a gratitude for all the different ways we can connect. If your tools for feeling, love and safety and belonging are criticism, judgment, negativity, gossip, drama, exaggeration, let's get compassionate. Those are the tools that you've learned. But let's get those tools out of your toolbox and let's put in some much more powerful ones that are still going to meet your need, your very, very, very human need. We all have these needs for connection and love and belonging and growth. One of my very favorite authors, Tim Ferriss, I've been rereading his book, try and read it once a year, sometimes twice a year. The Four Hour Work Week he talks about, and it's not his invention, but most recently heard it from him, I like to give credit where credit is due, is that we are a product of the five people that we surround ourselves with. Think about that. We are a product of the five people we surround ourselves with. Now I'm going to argue an offer that it may not even be just the five people. I think it's the five energy sources we take in. It could be podcasts, it could be books, it could be culture and gossip. Because if I were to think of the five people, of course there are a few, the first few come really easily. But then the next couple to me, truthfully become more cultural or maybe more of a group or a loose application of that. And so I would encourage you to first think, do I feel really good about the five people or the five energy sources that are becoming a part of me? Do I feel really good about the five people or the five energy sources that are shaping my one precious, beautiful life? Once you've done that, I want you to go deeper. Am I offering a space of growth to be one of five for somebody else? Are other people excited to have me as one of their five people or one of their five sources of energy? And if you feel really good about your five, that's step one. And if you feel really good about offering a space of being one of those five for someone else, well, now you are truly learning to master the way we can take seemingly negative things. Gossip, negativity, chaos, drama. Where we can look beyond the surface level, beyond the temper tantrum, where we can see the need, we can meet the need and we can have the courage and the bravery to turn all of these vibes into a place for growth. And that's truly one moment of energy at a time. Just one moment of energy at a time. How you can change your life. I promise you, I've done it internally, helping others do it themselves. It is so possible and you are so worth it. And you know I am cheering you on. That was a juicy one. We just got a little bit deep in some uncomfortable stuff, but it is so common. Thank you all so much for your responses in person, on Instagram, on Facebook. You inspired this Share. I wanted to go deeper. I could tell you wanted to go deeper. I hope you enjoyed it. If it was helpful, if it resonated with you, please let me know. Let me know your questions and as always, if you could just take a second detour. Use your energy to help us spread Layton's Light and to spread this mission of growth, right of self discovery, of making a positive impact on this world. Head on over to itunes. Rate Review Share this with someone you love. Let me know what you think and let's keep on growing friends and talk soon.