3: Building your team

Hello, friends, and welcome to Grief Guts and Green Smoothies. I am your host, Melissa Dugalecki, and I am so excited to be here with you all to chat about ways in which we can all get through different adversities, challenges, and loss, and how getting outside of our comfort zone and maybe having a green smoothie or two can help us do so. Where we cover different topics, ranging from interviews to. To recipes, to sharing my own stories of my grief journey and the loss of my daughter, Laden. And I'm honored to be able to share her light in hopes of helping you spread yours. Now let's dive in. So today we're building off of the last episode where we talked about different ways of managing grief, especially in the holidays, and I touched on one of the strategies of building your teammates. And, you know, this is something that really we could spend. We could devote a few episodes to, but I want to go deeper into it here to support you. And this strategy, really, like everything that we go through here in this podcast, they're not only applicable to grief, they're strategies I learned in my grief journey. Those of you tuning in for the first time. I lost my daughter Layden in 2014. And what I've learned through grief has taught me so much about life, and it's my honor to spread her light and share it here. And among those lessons, one of the many lessons from Layden is the power of building your team. Now, perhaps this really stuck out with me because my background is in athletics. I competed in the high school level. I was captain of my sports teams. I went on and competed at the collegiate level, the Division 1 level, actually got to shout out, Providence College, go Friars. And then after that, I returned to athletics in the world of coaching and athletic administration. So sports have always been a big part of my life. They're a big part of my family's life. And when Laden was in the hospital, we would often say to her on days of her surgery, like when the day laid in, and, you know, we'd have game day, little pep talks, and when they were really trying to fight and get fluid off of her body, she had become so swollen that they needed to get the fluid off. She wasn't moving it herself. We would have little bottles. I took, like, the center of markers, like washable markers or whatever they are, and I put that in a bottle so that when I would pour water in to show the amount of fluid she'd gotten off, it was colored. It shows, like, the closest thing to food coloring I could get at children's hospital. And that was a way of kind of creating a little game, a little competition for how much we could get off and we would talk about it with the nurses. So, long story short, sports, athletics, all of that has been and continues to be a big part of my journey. And perhaps that's why, though I think it's a little bit deeper than that. This strategy of building your team really resonates with me all through my grief journey and then beyond. So the idea of building your team, and again, this can be applied to your grief journey or your life journey if you're not grieving, is recognizing and understanding that not everybody in our life has the same skill sets and not everybody has the same capacity. And we are the same as well. We're all just human, right? We're all just doing the best that we can. For example, I always joke, like, I'm not really going to be contributing in technology. In truth, a lot of the delay in this podcast is just me dragging my feet in that whole kind of realm and enlisting some help to finally get it done. But in terms of speaking or creating, those are things that I love to do, right? There are some people who would loathe speaking or creating and are so talented in technology or whatever it may be. Those are more tangible skills. So now I encourage you to think of those tangible skills. And we're going to get a little more intangible here, right? We're going to go a little woo, woo. I got my crystals out, I got my incense burning, so I'm ready for this. In terms of intangible, I want you to think about emotional skillset and emotional capacity. Some people are really good at sitting in discomfort and some people aren't. It doesn't mean they care any less or they love any less, right? It's just what their capacity is, what they've known to do. And of course, we all have the ability to strengthen skill sets in different areas, right? I mean, that's the truth. If I really wanted to strengthen in technology, I could do that. But I think it's important to recognize we all have to choose where we feel best, right? What aligns with our needs. So on these intangibles for emotions, it's not just, you know, sitting in the discomfort. There are some people who are really good at listening. There are some people where that's not their strength. There are some people who are really good at problem solving. There are some people where that's not their strength. And the list can go on and on. But what's important is to understand that it's not a reasonable expectation to assume that one person, one friend, one family member, one significant other can fill every skill set or emotional need that we have. So I really want you to think about that. One person can't necessarily fill every emotional need that we have. Now, you may luck out, score the lottery, and find one or two who can do that. I certainly have. You know, you celebrate those people, you hold on to them, but you recognize it doesn't make anyone who contributes less. Right. It's just different. It's just different. And what your needs are just as important. They matter. So a lot of things I see happen here in grief and I see happen in life. And I work with a lot of the clients that I coach in my life coaching on understanding this, because one of two things usually happens. Either somebody becomes disappointed, angry, frustrated, upset because they have unreasonable expectations for some somebody in their life to meet every single one of their emotional needs, or that person minimizes or tries to ignore their emotional needs because somebody can't meet them. And so when you learn to build your team, neither of those hold true. Because your emotional needs, they're important and they're real, and you got to honor them. But emotional capacities and skill sets are also real, and we've got to honor those. So how do we going back to athletics as the best coaches of our own lives, Right? Because ultimately we are coaching our own lives, our own teams, as the best coach of our own life. How do we employ everyone to succeed? So how do we employ people to succeed, including ourselves? Right. So by not minimizing our needs and not putting other people we love in a position of failure. What's a position of failure? While expecting them to do something they're not capable of. Right. I mean, it's very easy to understand this in football and go patriots or heading to another Super Bowl. Right. They understand that. Do your job. The person who's the running back doesn't have to be the most skilled in throwing the ball or receiving the ball. He's got to be the most skilled in running the ball. Right. The person receiving the ball doesn't need to be the most skilled in throwing the ball or running the ball. They've got to be the most skilled in receiving it. Same thing with blocking, defense, whatever it may be. So think of that with your life. So where are the people in your life the most skilled, and how can you put them in a position to succeed? How can we avoid putting a running back, you know, in a cornerback position if that's not their strength, right? Or a quarterback in a running back position if that's not their strength. Think of that with the people in your life and really think about that. So in the world of grief, there are four types of teammates, and I've touched on these before, but we're going to go a little bit deeper. And I honestly don't think you can revisit this too often. The first type of teammates are your listeners. So your listeners are people that can listen to you. Here's the key, without interjecting. So they refrain from the. But they refrain from the. At least they refrain from the it will get better when. Because what those things do is they dismiss our challenges, right? So rather listeners can use the word and like, yeah, this is really, really hard and we're going to get through it. Or even better, they ask, this is really, really hard. What can I do? What would be the most supportive right now? Listeners have an ability and a lot of people, I will say they think they're a great listener, but without meaning to, right. They can project their own experiences. They can give advice that's unwanted. I can't tell you how many times I got advice that was not welcomed. You know, I even was told, well, at least Layden wasn't older because then it would be harder. That person came from really great intentions of wanting to make me feel better. But ultimately they were tending to their own need of being uncomfortable in my grief. So in the world of grief, listeners have got to be able to be uncomfortable because grief is uncomfortable, right? We don't talk about it enough. I'm hoping that this work and whatever you all spread. Thank you. Is going to help it be talked about more. So those are your listeners. So think of those people, those people that can really listen. They don't make it about their story. They don't tell you what they think you should do. They don't minimize it by saying but. Or at least they just listen and maybe ask what you need in terms of support. Another type of teammate are your doers. So these are people who like to get things done. Think your checklist people, your to do list. They are people who maybe are really uncomfortable listening or maybe can listen for a little while, but they're better off if they're helping you get tasks done. Whether it's, you know, for me it's been planning fundraisers, it's been sending out communications. It was, you know, doing brochures or pamphlets for services, whatever it may be, actually doing tasks. And when you're Grieving, these are important people to have around because your energy is so limited. If you can outsource some of that stuff and save your energy for your grief or some self care, that's a gift. So think of these people who are your doers, who are going to go and get stuff done and put them in a position to succeed. It's going to benefit you, it's going to make them feel good. That's a win win. The next type of teammate are distractors. So distractors. Now a lot of times people automatically their mind goes to like going out to the bars and getting drinks. Sure, it could absolutely be that. It could also be someone who wants to watch a funny movie with you, who wants to talk about a book, who wants to listen to a podcast, go for a run. Maybe people who will just allow you to take your mind off of it. In those times that you need to take your mind off of your grief, they might be people who have no association with your loss and that's not their fault. And it's not the fault of anybody who's associated with your loss. Again, we can't take things personally. If people associated with your loss automatically bring you back to your loss. Well, they're likely not going to be a distractor. That's not their fault, that's not your fault. But it's important to bring awareness so that you understand how to employ these teammates, these people in your life who you love. And ultimately they want to help you, right? And you want to feel better, right. And you want to forge a strong relationship with them. So understanding and having this awareness of what's in alignment is really, really important. And the last type are called the Xers. And in truth, the source that I learned this from didn't really like to drop the F bomb. Most of you know I have no problem with that. But we'll just call them the Effers or the Xers, either one. And these are people who really like to insert themselves to make it about them. I'm sure we all know people who function in drama and chaos and no discredit or judgment on those people. There are some people where their comfort zone, whether they realize it or not, their comfort zone is in drama, it's in chaos. They either need to be in the know or they need to be needed or they have to be the problem solver. These are people you have to be aware of because it can come off as seemingly good intentions, but it's really self motivated. And so they're the Xers because you Got to be aware. And when you're in a state of grief, you're in a very vulnerable state. And so you need to be aware. And you can set boundaries. It doesn't mean you don't have them in your life. Maybe you allow them to be more in the world of distractors or of doers. Right. Maybe you allow them to have that role. Maybe you share information with them that you're okay with being communicated out. You can still put these people in a position to succeed when what's most important to protect you and your energy is to have a clear understanding of the motive to set boundaries and to have clear expectations of what you can receive and what you cannot receive out of that relationship should you choose to keep them in your life. So you've got a mix there of listeners, doers, distractors, and of course, our Xers. They all have space. It's really up to us to employ. And you'll notice it will shift. Looking back on my grief journey in those really, really early stages, I relied heavily on listeners, Heavily on listeners. I had a couple people that I would just call and cry. Doers really got me through a lot. And distractors, you know, distractors came in more as I was ready to take space for my grief. It is different for everybody. I don't give specific timelines because I don't think that's how we should measure our growth. We should measure our growth by self reflection, energy, awareness, understanding and honoring where we're at and knowing sometimes that's two steps forward, one step back, maybe another couple steps forward, a step back, whatever it may be. But the most important part is that we keep on moving. So I hope this was helpful. Whether it's grief or in your life journey or altogether, think about the different roles people play in your life and maybe you have a couple of others, right? Depending on your lifestyle, your interest, your hobbies, your routines, you might have other roles, other types of teammates. I would love to hear about them, shoot me a message, share them. We can talk about them. We can break it all down. But what's most important is to know at the end of the day, I believe people want to contribute positively. And as coaches of our own team, right, coaches of our own life, we have the responsibility and the privilege to put those people we love in a position to succeed so they feel really good and we feel really good, and then we give back to them the best that we can as well. I hope this was helpful, as always, to spread Layden's light and to spread these messages of grief that are not talked about nearly enough. Please feel free to share this podcast Grief Guts and Green Smoothies to pass it along. To send me a note, you can find me on griefinguts.com or gutsngrief on Instagram and I will talk with you soon.