32: Growing Pains: How To Navigate Relationships & Friendships When You Grow In Different Directions

Hello, friends, and welcome to Grief Guts and Green Smoothies. I am your host, Melissa Dugalecki, and I am so excited to be here with you all to chat about ways in which we can all get through different adversities, challenges and loss, and how getting outside of our comfort zone and maybe having a green smoothie or two can help us do so. We will cover different topics, ranging from interviews to recipes, to sharing my own stories of my grief journey and the loss of my daughter, Layden. Honor to be able to share her light in hopes of helping you spread yours. Now, let's dive in. This episode is probably the most requested topic that I get asked about. Whether it's in terms of friendships, romantic relationships, work relationships, or any really any other type of relationship. Relationships are a huge part of our lives. And as we grow and as we evolve, all of those relationships are impacted as well. And so today we are diving into how to navigate those distances that can come from our own individual growth. Today, I'm talking all about those distances that can happen in relationships, and these can be any type of relationship, and really examining how it happens and really, most importantly, what to do with it. So I'm going to give you eight tips, eight little tips with what you can do to try to navigate when this happens. And it's really common. And I actually like to think of it as it's constant because energy, as we know, is in a constant state of motion. It can't be created or destroyed as we talk about, but it's moving in some type of direction. And to have the expectation that our energy is always moving in the same direction as everyone in our lives is really unreasonable, right? It's really unrealistic. So if that's an expectation of yours, step one, you gotta let that one go. That's actually a bonus tip for you. You gotta let that one go because it's just not reasonable. And we can hold so tightly onto the lack of distance between things that we're almost afraid to have distance. And sometimes that means that we make ourselves small or we really resist the space that exists. And I'm going to encourage you to embrace it. Now, the way I like to think about it is do you know, I love the visuals, I love analogies. And I like to think of it like all of us as a little scatter plot. You know those line graphs, the graph paper from geometry class? And you would draw your X and your Y axis, and then you'd have little coordinates and you'd plot these coordinates based on the number. So four Four would be four up and four across. And so I like to envision us on our own little paths and growth of life on a little coordinate. And now sometimes our coordinates are gonna start to accelerate more deeply at a steeper angle. And sometimes it's gonna be, you know, just steady, right? We're not going up, we're not going down. We're just hanging on. We're going straight across. Sometimes we go through waves where we take down, right? People call that a little bit of a slump, right where we're angled down. And then sometimes it's going to be maybe a little bit more consistent. And this is going to be all over the place for all of us. Now, if we can imagine our own map of coordinates, right? Our own graph, to have the expectation that everyone else is going to have one that matches isn't realistic. And what we want to recognize is that. That it's fluid, right? There are phases, and what we want to do is communicate through these phases. And we want to have really clear expectations, and we want to have really direct communication. Because when we get to these places of a little bit of distance, maybe you're feeling of disconnection, it threatens our sense of safety, of security, of love. It threatens that feeling of love and belonging. And that can show up in ways that aren't always super healthy. Quite often it can show up with criticism or sarcasm. I've worked with a lot of people who have referenced other people in their lives, maybe being a little bit sarcastic about steps they're taking in their growth, whether it's their physical health commitments or the words that they're using around their emotional health, and really helping them understand that the sarcasm isn't necessarily a healthy or productive way to express what they're feeling. What they're feeling is a lack of connection. I can't even relate anymore. Another way that this can surface is that we might find ourselves trying to keep ourselves small and really not take off in our growth because we don't want to hurt or threaten anybody else. But the thing is that our growth can inspire somebody else when they're ready to be inspired. And we're doing ourselves and them, the people we love and this world, a disservice when we play small for other people's comfort zones. So we have to know that these distances between us on our little scatter plot graphs, right, Those are. Those are triggers of us feeling safe and connected and feeling that sense of love and belonging. It can inflict a fear of not having our needs met or a fear of Loneliness. So it takes strength and it takes courage and it takes trust and it takes patience to be able to navigate that. But it also presents a huge opportunity to really, really strengthen relationships. And this can be a romantic relationship, like I said, a work relationship, a family dynamic, a friendship. Any of these, it can be in any level of intensity. But these same principles are going to hold true no matter what. And Chris Harder has a really great podcast. I saw him speak live, and he talks a lot about the rocket ship. And what he talks about in the rocket ship is saying that when his wife, Lori Harder, fantastic, she's got her own podcast show, her own book, that when she started to make the choice in her own life to take off, that he found himself in that place of sarcasm and criticism. They'd be out to dinner and he would be thinking to himself, why is everything so great? Why are they all so great? Why are they always using the word great? And essentially, it was a mirror for him to hold up to himself, to say, something's not right. So if you find yourself in that space of criticism, or if you find yourself in that space of sarcasm because someone else is doing something, remember we've talked about this in our triggers. Let that be a trigger to hold up the mirror that you want to grow and go listen to that trigger episode. But this particular episode is on the flip side. What if you're the one doing the growing and you're feeling that negativity and that sarcasm and maybe even resentment from somebody else? And he talks about that. His wife basically said, this is my rocket ship. I'm getting in, I'm taking off. You can come with me, but I'm not staying here. Again, you've got shotgun. You're welcome to it. Right? And so I love that imagery, that analogy of just not apologizing and taking off on our own. And I've done a lot of work with the people I work with in both the group setting and one on one in talking about this, because anybody who I'm working with in the group setting or one on one, they're committed to their growth. Now what happens is, as they begin to grow and they continue to grow and they really dive into their growth, that's going to impact, right? They're moving their little dot on the graph paper. I'm sure there's way more technical terms somebody can send them to me, but they're moving the dot on their graph paper along, and that doesn't mean everybody else is moving theirs along. So how do we deal with that? So I have eight tips, and they all come down to one principle. And that one principle is that you focus on what you can control and you let go of what you can't. And as we know, the only thing we have full control over is our energy. So here, eight tips for how you can strengthen these relationships and especially just not cause more damage as you kind of figure out that distance and how it's going to work. Number one is avoid holier than thou. We do not in our growth journeys. We do not want to preach, we don't want to judge, we don't want to belittle. If somebody's watching us grow, they may already feel a sense of insecurity. So we certainly don't want to compound that by trying to force what we're doing or convince anybody else that what we're doing is what they should be doing. Right? We all get a pick, and our pick happens to be growth. If somebody else chooses growth in a different way, that works for them or they don't want to choose growth, that's their right, that's their pick. So we avoid that holier than thou or that trying to get people to do what we're doing just because we're doing it now, we may want them to feel their best. We can encourage growth, we can support them in their journey, we can be their best cheerleader. But we don't want to be in a position where we're kind of lecturing. Another tip is that you find ways to create connection that counters that sense of loss. So now notice if we're on that graph paper again and we take off and we're, you know, eight, nine coordinates ahead and maybe four up, there's going to be that sense of loss, that sense of distance that's going to be triggered. And as I've learned in my grief journey, we can't do anything to dismiss that loss. It's there. But what we can do is offset it by really creating meaningful connection. So maybe this relationship, the ways that you once connected have shifted, but that doesn't mean you can't find really new ways of connecting. For example, you know, I very common one. I've worked with people who have kind of shifted out of that, you know, going out for with their certain drinking buddies, but then they still want to have a relationship with quote unquote, drinking buddies or party friends, whatever it is. Both parties really love each other and want to spend time. And so can you find another way to do that? Right. Instead of having your relationship be centered around going out On Friday night, if that's not what you want to do, can you still create connection by offering something else to do? It doesn't mean that person will take you up on it, but it means that you are making effort to create connection in a way that feels good for you and aligns with you and then giving them the chance to do. You know, it could be doing a paint night, it could be working out. Maybe it's the opposite. Maybe it's friends that you were friends with in your training for a marathon, and then you're no longer training for it, but you miss that sense of connection. Well, then you find something else to do. Maybe you can go out to dinner, maybe you go to the movies. Maybe you find a way to connect online. So there are so many ways that we can connect, and so often we focus on the disconnections that we don't focus on all these opportunities around ways we can connect. The third one is that we want to assess our teammates. So these people in our lives and what roles they play, and we want to position them to succeed. So everybody's role in our world is constantly changing, and so we want to be really clear on what they are and not have expectations that aren't reasonable. So if one of our relationships in our lives just isn't interested in certain things that we are, we can't constantly expect them to share that interest. So we have the choice to accept what they're offering. And where we do connect to have really mutually clear expectations. And mutually is important because if one side has expectations that are realistic and the other side doesn't, there's still going to be this huge disconnect. It's going to create wedge, it's going to create distance. So that's when you want to have a little bit of a conversation. It doesn't have to be heavy, but just setting clear expectations, right, and positioning people to succeed. So if you know somebody is no longer going to be a certain type of teammate in your life, what type of teammate can they be? And can you celebrate the heck out of that? At the end of the day, we all just want to feel good in our relationships and what we give and how we receive. The next tip is that we do not apologize. We don't apologize, and we don't play small because we're disservicing ourselves and therefore we're disservicing people in our lives and then disservacing our imprint on this world. So we don't preach right. We don't have that holier than thou approach. But we also don't play small and we don't apologize when we're clear. And we're coming from a place of love and growth and opportunity, and we're cheering other people on, not competing with them, not putting them down, not criticizing them. We're genuinely cheering other people along in their journeys. There is nothing to apologize for. In fact, what we're doing is a gift because it's going to help us feel our best and others feel their best. So once we kind of established who our teammates are, what the relationships are, how we're growing and not apologizing for it, not preaching it, we have to decide where we have to apply internal or external boundaries. And we just did an episode on that as well. If you didn't listen to it and you want to learn more, highly recommend giving that one a listen. But internal or external boundaries. So let's just say that this relationship is maybe in a workplace or in a family environment where you don't necessarily have as much of a choice. I mean, there's always a choice, right? But you're going to be in that environment and around that person, or you're choosing to. Right? And you want to accept them for just being a colleague or being important family member. But an important family member doesn't always mean that you're going to be completely connected, committed to the same things. And that's okay, right? There's beauty in that. But in order to not have hurt or to not have resentment or to not have frustration grow, those internal and external boundaries are going to be really important. So remember, those internal ones might just be if somebody's making negative comments towards your choices, right? Or they're feeling that sense of you're sensing rather a bit of resentment that you've got that internal boundary up. And then at times it might be an external boundary with direct communication and clear expectations. So this sixth tip is one that I think is so commonly forgotten. And this can apply not just in our relationships, this can apply, gosh, in our fitness, in our pursuits, in our goal setting and whatever it may be. And this is that rather than focusing on what we don't want, all the negatives, all the things we don't want, all the things we want to change, where can we focus on what we do want? So what do you want in this relationship? What types of support do you need? What types of support can you offer? What does this really thriving, healthy relationship look like for you? And once we know that, then we begin to enlist opportunities to create that to cultivate that, to grow that. Relationships have to be nourished. And this can be at the smallest level of relationship that's not too intimate to your significant other. But relationships have to be nourished and cultivated, grow. In order to grow them to where you want them to be, you've got to know where you want them to be. So really focusing on what would feel good, right? And then if appropriate, ask for it or have a conversation or ask another person what feels good for them and see what lines up and see what doesn't, and then kind of create this space of problem solving, of, okay, how are we going to work on this? And now this is an opportunity to become even closer. Because when that person that you're in a relationship with, let's say significant other, when that person is honoring your wants, goals, needs and authenticity selflessly and you're doing the same for them, that is a recipe for a long lasting, healthy, beautiful relationship. Because then we're no longer just supporting someone else's needs and goals and aspirations in a way that feels good for us, we're supporting it in a way that feels good for them. Right? And vice versa. And I'm telling you, that's where this growth, as much as it can be challenging and painful and uncomfortable, yes, we have those growing pains when we get really clear on what we want and give the opportunity for another person, a relationship for that person to support us, well, that's an opportunity to grow, right? As long as we're willing to give back that mutual support. And then the seventh tip is a level of acceptance. So accepting that there are waves and phases of relationships. And this is very true in grief and it's very true in life in general. But there are waves and phases of relationships. And those different ways and phases aren't failures if there's more distance at one time or another, if relationships don't work out long term, or friendships change or work relationships change, it really comes down to honoring, not getting so attached from the permanency of things. I'll say that again. Not being too attached to the permanency of things, but rather just being attached, right? And grateful for the moments and the opportunities in each relationship at its particular time. Because all of these relationships in our lives, they contribute to where we go, they contribute to what we're going to continue to achieve, and they contribute to our experiences. They make up our experiences and our understanding of the world. So seeing the beauty in all parts of these, seeing the beauty and sometimes relationships running their course. And that's okay. And we place too much emphasis on that being a quote, unquote failure. But how loving is it to say we've done all the growing that we can do here, we've done all the learning that we could do to together here. And it's time for this relationship to shift its format. It doesn't have to be so black and white, but rather it's just shifting its format or it's shifting the amount of space that it consumes. Or you're at really different points in this graph right on this graph paper. And if it's not a space to create more closeness, well then you love and support each other selflessly enough to create space for both of you to continue to grow again. That can be a friendship, that can be a relationship, a work relationship, a family relationship. And it doesn't have to be intensely communicated or it can be really directly communicated. And it's going to depend. But the important part is accepting that there are waves and phases to all relationships, all parts of life. There's not permanency in anything. So just truly enjoying and being grateful for it and being present in the moment. Right? And the last one is just to show up your best, show up your best. Because at the end of the day, if you're showing up from a place of high vibes, right, from honesty and integrity and support and compassion and curiosity and whatever it may be, and you're doing your very best and you're giving your very best and you're cheering others along, there's not much more we can ask for than that. I mean, that's powerful, that's beautiful. And the reality is that two healthier individuals are going to make one a really healthy relationship. And healthy looks different for everybody, right? I think healthy comes down to that clarity, that alignment, that sense of safety, that sense of self worth. To me, that's what healthy is, that clarity on what feels good for us, that alignment. When we're not in alignment, that's when unhealthy habits can kick in or that's when unhealthy emotions can really grow. So that healthiness, that clarity, that alignment, and really working towards that and feeling that sense of safety, security and self worth within ourselves. Because when we feel it within ourselves, we don't become dependent on other people or other circumstances to provide it for us. And that's a hard thing, but man, it's a life changing thing. So remember, as you are growing as an individual, that is nothing to feel guilty for. It's something to be proud of, nothing to Apologize, nothing to preach, just every day doing your very best because you owe it to yourself and to the world, right? To feel clear and aligned and to feel safe and secure and worthy. And once you do that, you're not looking externally for all of those needs to be met. You've grown them inside. And when you grow this inside of you and you're really healthy, you have so much more to give and maybe you inspire somebody else to do the same for them and then now it can become a domino effect and then, holy cow, are we up leveling in our communities? Are we up leveling in our world? When it comes down to that relationship, do not forget two healthy individuals, the two healthiest versions of themselves, of ourselves, is going to offer the opportunity for the healthiest, happiest, longest sustaining relationship. And though there may be some growing pains in those pains, there is so much beauty and opportunity to strengthen, to connect and to learn. So don't fear the challenge, right? Don't fear it, embrace it, get curious, open up to it, have conversations about it. Try out these tips. Let me know what works for you, let me know it doesn't. And together here we're just going to keep bringing that courage, right? To have the guts to have these conversations, these reflections, to talk about things that aren't so comfortable, but to know that that's what allows us to truly grow and to truly feel our best. So thank you for being here. I love chatting all things brief guts and green smoothies with you guys. If you love this episode, it would mean so much if you could take 30 seconds. Some of you are probably even quicker than that. Just rate a review in itunes or Spotify and really just because that allows it to show up. So we can spread the messaging, we can spread late insight, we can spread the work that we're doing here to hopefully make a long lasting impact for individuals in their own journeys, but also for our communities and for our world.