33: Is It Quitting or Letting Go?

Hello friends and welcome to Grief Guts and Green Smoothies. I am your host, Melissa Dugalecki, and I am so excited to be here with you all to chat about ways in which we can all get through different adversities, challenges and loss and how getting outside of our comfort zone and maybe having a green smoothie or two can help us do so. We will cover different topics ranging from interviews to recipes to sharing my own stories of my grief journey and the loss of my daughter Layden. And I'm honored to be able to share her light in hopes of helping you spread yours. Today we are talking all about quitting. And that decision, that moment when you have to decide is walking away from this quitting. Is it weakness, quote unquote weakness, or is it strength in recognizing this no longer serves me well. And it can be really messy, right? It can be a lot of gray. It definitely is a lot of gray. And this is so common. I have worked with so many people on this. It's something I practice internally all the time as I'm constantly assessing where I'm at, what's in alignment, what I need to let go of and what I want to invite in. And so whether it's a road race, a job, a relationship, something you're looking to pursue, continuing education, you're not totally sure if it's for you, if you want to do it, but you're afraid of quitting and not sure what the best move is for you. This episode is absolutely one you want to grab your pen, grab your paper, or if you're less old school than me, go ahead and just put it in your notes app. But let's dive in. All right everybody, so full disclosure. This week's scheduled episode was an interview with Angie Lee. I cannot wait to introduce you all to her with some technical stuff. She and I are both using our mutual interview on both of our podcasts and some behind the scenes tech stuff. We had to adjust the plan so that one will be coming out next, but I am so excited to share today's episode and one of the things I love the most about it is it is so authentic and it is so raw. It was inspired on both my morning run, which is where I do a lot of my thinking and meditation and also in one of my one on one coaching sessions this morning. And we are talking all about what the difference is between quitting and walking away or giving up and knowing it's time to let something go. And this is a really common question and the mindset work that I coach and move and in one, on one, and just in general. And I think it's something that we can all relate to, all on different levels. And I'm going to share some examples of how this has played out in my own experiences and some strategies for you to get through. So, in all honesty, full disclosure, I lived my life in a really kind of competitive format. And you muscled through things and I was a Division 1 athlete and I was four year class president. And I just always wanted to figure everything out and I wanted to push, push, push to see what was possible. And walking away, quitting any of those things, it was a failure to me, right? It was weakness. It was giving up. And it wasn't until late in that I really began to study the psychology behind that specifically and to really understand where that comes from. And so for me, it was, you know, ultimately having to let Layton go felt like the ultimate, the biggest failure, right? I was quitting that I was not doing everything that I could, that I wasn't figuring it out. And, you know, the doctors and Layden helped me understand that, you know, this was what her path was. This was where she was at. And as awful and horrible as it still is, I get choked up even just thinking about that. But the reality was, you know, we had made promises to Layden that said, we promise to fight this battle with you as long as you lead. And she was in the cardiac intensive care unit at Boston Children's Hospital for a long time. And it wasn't until three days before the doctors kind of had a family intervention and said, you know, she's suffering. It wasn't until three days before, I'll never forget that she cried for the very first time. And I saw tears streaming down. And so when three days later, the doctors, you know, sat us down and said that, you know, Leiden's life had run its course, essentially that she was suffering and wasn't going to live. It was the sense of, like, knowing that that was her truth and feeling this incredible, I mean, feeling, let's be honest, a million things, but there is this really intense sense of I was quitting, I was giving up on Layden, and no, we weren't going to give up on Laden. We weren't going to quit. In fact, when they called that meeting, I anticipated what was going to be said and I refused to have it without certain personnel there because I was like, I am not giving up on Layton, and I know this person won't give up on Layden either. And it was that exact doctor who looked at Me and said, layden is suffering and she's not going to live. And I really began to tease out in my grief journey this feeling, this guilt of quitting. And I realized that it had played out in my life in many ways and still did. Right. In all of our lives. But I was feeling this incredible sense of, you know, I could have. I should have this sense of weakness and failure. And I realized that there were so many jobs, relationships, friendships, endeavors that I had forced too long because I didn't know. I couldn't recognize when it was time to let it go. Right. And Layden forced me to begin to understand that and is a painful lesson that I wish I didn't learn. But I'm glad to be able to share it here with all of you. Right. And shine her light. This played out a little bit more recently for me as well. I had to make the decision, or I chose to make the decision that I'm not going to run the Boston Marathon this coming year for Boston Children's Hospital and for those of you following my journey I've run the last five years. It was a promise I made to Layden when we were in the hospital, and I fulfilled it. And I really struggled with not doing it and feeling like I was quitting. And ultimately, I became a lot more clear on what energies were attached, and I was running it because I felt like I should, and I did. I wanted to. But the fundraising had become a little bit overwhelming after five years. And in truth, initially, the marathon was the only way that I felt like I could spread Layden's light and I could be a mom. And, you know, thanks to this podcast and the work that I do and so many other amazing things from so many of you amazing people and just opportunities out there, I've been able to find a lot of ways to be Layden's mom and to shine her light. And so I found I realized that it no longer fully aligned. So what I was seeking to achieve from the marathon, I can now achieve in other places. Additionally, if fundraising has become challenging for me. Well, the reality is the marathon is a huge fundraiser for Boston Children's Hospital. They need people on their team who are committed to the fundraising. Because, yes, it's about running and it's about the kids and it's about our stories and our journeys. But if we're going to make impact for these families and children, they need the funds to be able to do that. And so I felt this responsibility to be able to either commit to fundraising more and really serving on this team. Not just receiving on this team. Right. Because I was receiving the gift of being Layden's mom and shining her light. But it was my responsibility to give to other families and children. Or it was time for me to step down and give somebody else the opportunity. Give somebody else the opportunity to maybe race their first Boston. Maybe somebody's going to set a fundraising record. Who knows? But I had to be really clear on alignment. And as I was coaching somebody earlier today on this, we were talking about, well, we can assign whatever story we want to it. That story could be, I quit running the marathon for Children's Hospital because I'm lazy and I don't want to raise the funds. But my truth is that I'm giving somebody else the opportunity to run. I will absolutely continue to be connected to the hospital in many other capacities, maybe run a different marathon for them. But I have found other ways to shine Layden's light. I want to offer that opportunity and I feel a responsibility to Children's to make sure that people on their team are raising as much money as they can, because that's honoring Laden, too. Again, one of the things we want to look at when we're considering quitting or walking away is really teasing out what's in alignment and what's not. I'll share one other example and then give you some strategies for doing this for yourself. More recently and gradually, I've really been shifting my yoga teaching schedule. Last year, last spring and into the summer, I was teaching, you know, anywhere between 16 and 18 classes, yoga classes on average a week. And currently I teach four. And I'm looking to reduce that even further. And I find a sense of resistance in doing that. And I've identified that resistance is this root energy, right? This what I began studying after losing Laden to try to figure out this intense feeling of quitting, right? Like, how could I quit? How can I walk away from these classes? And can I just move one on one clients to another place or stay up extra late working on stuff for move or get up even earlier to do my workouts? And I realized that all of those looking at energy, looking at the Bible, looking at where energy is coming from, all of those were a place of more about forcing something or ego or pride or needing to do it all? What I've learned and what I coach is that as I've stepped away from these yoga classes, which I love, I've opened up space for other things to grow, whether it's things for move, whether it's things for the One on one, whether it's the podcast and I teach because I love teaching, but if it no longer offers that enjoyment because it's so heavy. Right. Stressful, trying to fit in all the things, well, then it's certainly counterproductive. So the individual that I was working with earlier today was seeking to pursue something because of feeling like she should and gaining, you know, approval of others or, you know, recognition or acknowledgement. All really human things. Right. So we talked about, if we decide that this isn't the route to go, is that quitting. And one story could absolutely be, it's quitting, it's giving up, it was too hard. And another could be, well, I got the clarity that this just doesn't serve me well. This isn't what I want to do with my time. I have better ways to spend my time and my money. It's not in alignment. And I've worked with a lot of people on this, whether it's signing up for a marathon or pursuing a new job or walking away from a relationship or whatever it may be. And there's a few strategies that come down to this. So I want to offer these kind of thinking points as you assess and as you process. Am I quitting? Because, yes, of course, there are times when we don't want to walk away, right? When we don't want to quit, or maybe we're giving up because we're uncomfortable or we are afraid that we're going to fail, or we quit because there's that perfection paralysis, or rather that perfection pressure. And if things aren't going perfectly well, we just give up and we quit. Right? So we got to tease these things out. And it takes a little bit of time. It's not black or white, Right. Another thing I said in our meeting this morning was we got to live in the gray, right? So we're going to learn to live in the gray here. And it's building that awareness. It's really understanding. Because, yeah, sometimes we are quitting, right? We are giving up. And that's usually, in all truth, that's usually when it's our own comfort level, a fear of failure or a need for perfection or control. And if things aren't going our way, we jump ship. So this isn't about things not going our way. So that's thinking point number one, is this about it's not going my way, or it's challenging me, or it's forcing growth, or it's taking me out of my comfort zone. In those cases, that's where we really want to lean into the resistance. That's where we want to lean into the discomfort in these particular things. Other thinking points. And if we're not sure, we go ahead and grab that Bible, right? Grab our energy sheet or just kind of look at what energies it's attached to and say what energies are attached to each decision. So if I stay, what energies are attached to it? And if I leave, what energies are attached to it? And if staying is attached to ego or pride or fear or worry or shame, that's not a place we're going to grow, right? If leaving is attached to opportunity, possibility, hope, trust, faith, that's a place we're going to grow. And so the first thing we want to do is assess. Is this me being uncomfortable? So we're looking at thinking points here. Is that me being uncomfortable or needing it to be perfect? If we ruled out that's not what it is, and we go a little bit further, if we need help ruling it out, you can use the strategy as well. Next thinking point, you grab what energy is attached to this? What energy is attached to it? When we become really clear in what energy is attached to it, then I want to think about, how is this serving me? How is this serving me? Is it promoting growth? Is it fulfilling me? Is it draining me? Is it depleting me? What value is it offering? Because there are certainly different values to everything. The value of all things isn't going to be pleasure. And so if we're debating between pursuing some type of certification, it doesn't. Walking away shouldn't be because it's unpleasurable. But if it doesn't align with what we want to accomplish and it's not offering us a value that serves us well, well, that might be something we let go. However, if it's offering a value that really aligns with what we're seeking to achieve, well, then, yeah, maybe we kind of suck it up and we go through the unpleasant process of pursuing it because we are really clear on the value. So becoming clear on the value is going to really help untangle. Do I need to muscle through this a little bit? Because of course we're not only going to commit to things that make us feel good. That's not realistic. But when we're doing something, whether it's a workout, whether it's taking a class, whether it's working through a relationship, a romantic relationship, knowing that if we're kind of muscling through these things, but we're really clear on the value and that it serves us well, well, then that's great. But if the value isn't there and it doesn't serve us well, then let's stop muscling through. Because now we're just muscling through from that place of ego or pride or fear or shame or worry or guilt or blame, any of these low vibes and muscling through those things. Not only are we exhausting ourselves, we're not going to grow. Another thinking point when we look at walking away, quitting or muscling through, we'll say is noticing where there's resistance. And if we are chronically ignoring resistance and not honoring our needs, we're going to start to blow shit up, essentially, right? We're going to start to, you know, let's use the marathon example. We're going to start to sleep in through a long run, right? Or you know, we're going to be avoiding phone calls or we're going to be making plans and canceling them, or you know, we're going to plan on studying one night and then the next thing you know, or a happy hour at a bar and we're just kind of blowing it up for us because we don't want to do it. But we're not honoring that within ourselves. If we notice that we're chronically kind of blowing things up or sabotaging, there is resistance. And that comes from a lack of alignment, right? So we want to go backwards. What value does this offer? How is it serving me? What energy is attached? Does this align to me, my authentic self and my goals? If it doesn't, and we still are forcing it, you can anticipate burnout, fatigue. So so many people are exhausted. They're not exhausted, they're just unaligned, right? So allow the resistance, right? Allow those things to be feedback. For something isn't jiving, right? Something isn't flowing, then the last thinking point is recognizing that there's always going to be shifts and that the energy attached to something can change. When I first started teaching yoga, that was very aligned for me. That was absolutely aligned for me. I loved it. I still love it. I considered pursuing a more full time yoga teaching career, but as things shifted in my own professional growth and personal pursuits and clarity and passions and just things evolve well, energetically, things shifted. And so as other things take up more space, there's less space in this case for yoga. And so knowing that our relationships with things, they're just shifting. So I don't really see it as quitting or walking away. I see it as honoring, staying aligned and shifting and as long as what we're remaining steady on and clear on being aligned, coming from an energy source that's producing growth, being really clear on how things are serving us. When we say that again, I just want to reiterate, it doesn't mean everything's enjoyable. Something can be serving us really well, but it can be really hard. Right? That happens a lot in personal growth, coaching or counseling or working like that. Emotional growth can serve us really well, but it can be darn hard training for something, physically working through a relationship, working towards that promotion. Right. As long as it's aligned with what we want and what we value, we can work hard and get a little uncomfortable, but we don't want to just muscle through things for the sake of doing it. For that word should. All right. That is a lot of thinking points. And as you become more practiced in doing this, it will become less laborsome and more automated. And so just know like, you totally got this. And as you find yourself, whether it's something really simple with canceling dinner plans, maybe making a career change, maybe a road race, maybe a relationship that you're in. Right? Those are always shifting too. Just like our fitness relationship, just like our work relationships, it comes down for us to be clear and aligned, to know what energies are attached and then to honor it. Because when we don't honor it, that's when we get really burned out, we get exhausted, we'll start snapping. Right? We blow stuff up in our own world and we don't want to do that. So I'm proud of you for taking steps to really think about it and to put that ego and that pride aside and think about not quitting, not in or out, but alignment value. So I hope this provided some helpful strategies for you for whatever endeavors you're currently taking on or pursuits or relationships and any future ones for you to tease out the difference between quitting and staying aligned right from walking away because it's no longer serving you and the strength in doing that rather than forcing ourselves in something that doesn't serve us well and not seeing strength as always, just having to push through. And I can say that because I understand, because that was me. And thanks to Layden, my eyes were opened to the exhausting and unfulfilling way of living that truly is. I am so grateful to share lessons from Layden and to spread her light and to hopefully allow all that she's taught. Integrate in your life in a way that allows you to feel your very best. Because life is too short to feel anything but your best. And as always, I so appreciate you helping spread this work, spread Laden's light, spread our mission. So if you have just a minute, if this episode resonated with you and you want to help spread it, head on over to itunes Spotify Rate review Send me some Any feedback, any thoughts, any requests? I am here for this community. I love the work that we're doing. If there's something you want to know more about, you can find me on Instagram. Guts and grief. G U T S and grief. I love Instagram. I love hearing from all of you. And let's all do our very best to keep on shining.