37: Making Difficult Conversations Not So Difficult

Hello friends and welcome to Grief Guts and Green Smoothies. I am your host, Melissa Dugalecki and I am so excited to be here with you all to chat about ways in which we can all get through different adversities, challenges and loss and how getting outside of our comfort zone and maybe having a green smoothie or two can help us do so. We will cover different topics ranging from interviews to recipes to sharing my own stories of my grief journey and the loss of my daughter Layden. Honored to be able to share her light in hopes of helping you spread yours. Now let's dive in. Today we are talking all things difficult conversations. This definitely is for you if you have ever struggled with how to approach a difficult conversation at work, with your significant other, with a family member, with your children. So let's dive right in. So in the one on one work that I do, I work with teenagers through mid and upper 60s, both men and women and all of their needs and focuses and our goals are incredibly different, as they should be given the different points in their life. But one thing that's really common, whether it's in one on one or in the mindset coaching of move, is that I work very deeply on navigating difficult conversations. It's actually become a running joke with some of the individuals that I work with that they need to write down what I would say. A couple of people have a phrase now like what would Mel say? And I've been asked if I could create some type of device that would channel the way that I do it. So it's something that I've become really well versed in from my own lines of work. Prior to being a life coach, I was in education, I was in administration and before being in administration I was in special education. And in those roles I was having a lot of difficult conversations with a lot of emotion attached. It was around decision making around children, whether in the academic setting or the athletic setting. It was differing opinions, it was things that were very gray, it wasn't black and white. And I was constantly challenged to be able to facilitate, navigate, diffuse and make these productive. It got a lot more real when I was having difficult conversations around Leiden and her medical care. Life threatening decisions and life altering decisions ultimately and putting myself in that position and really teaching myself how to not get so caught up in emotion that I wasn't able to be present for those conversations. And that was incredibly hard. And it actually only amplified after her loss when I was challenged to have really difficult conversations that were uncomfortable for me about my needs, about What I was experiencing in grief about some things that were hard to accept and process, nevermind to share and communicate. So needless to say, this is something I have a lot of experience in for myself and in helping others. And to be honest, there is definitely a method and a process that I follow. And I'm going to give you some of the behind the scenes on that today so that you can take this, incorporate some of these strategies and see that difficult conversations really don't have to be too difficult. And when that happens, then we stop avoiding them. Then we don't feel the anxiety around them, we don't feel the weight of them. And what happens with that anxiety or the avoidance or the weight is it's kind of like a pressure valve, right? It's like it pushes on our capacity and then we're more vulnerable to exploding, right? To snapping, to breaking down. And that's not good for anybody when we're having these conversations. So the first thing you really want to do when entering a difficult conversation is to be super clear in why it's difficult. And typically that's going to come from two things. A conflict of opinions or conflict of needs and emotion, right? Intensity. And so we want to try to lessen the intensity. And we want to be really clear, so clear on what we want to achieve, clear on what our goal is in having it, clear on what's going to make it productive. And we want to align our energy. Those of you familiar with the Bible, right, We want to align our energy in that place of high vibes. So we want to let go of the ego, right? The need to be right. We want to let go of having to prove anything, of any guilt, of any shame, of any worry, of insecurity. We got to let go of all of those things. If we bring those to our conversation, we are making a difficult conversation more difficult. So getting your mindset straight is actually going to save you a lot of time and energy either during or after the conversation. Because if we go in and we're not clear and we're not bringing the right energy, we're going to not only have a difficult, more difficult conversation, we're actually probably going to have to do some cleanup work after, right? We're going to have to dig ourselves out if we dig ourselves further in, and we don't want to do that. So getting clear on what you want to accomplish, what is your desired outcome? What do you need? Do you need to be heard? Do you need to produce a certain result? Do you need to share feedback? Do you need to create change. So be really clear on what your purpose, what your intention is, and then align your energy to be in high vibes. So trust, attaching to the process, leading with opportunity, possibility, all of these different high vibes. When you go in with an open mind and curiosity and compassion for yourself and for whoever you're conversing with, it's going to set the stage for a much more productive and progressive chat. Now, the next thing, I used to teach my students this actually quite frequently, and they started referencing it, which was always fun to hear, but it's true, is that when we're going into an intense situation or somebody's feeling defensive, we want to imagine that they're holding a pitchfork, like, right up at their shoulder. And you know the phrase raise the pitchforks or raise your pitchforks, Right? It essentially means it's like a riot, right? If you think back to old times, when there are people around with pitchforks a heck of a lot more than currently, especially in the Boston area, but when they would get upset, right, they'd raise their pitchforks. It's almost symbolizing like a riot. So I like to picture people, when I enter these conversations, holding their pitchfork right at their shoulder and kind of eyeing me down, trying to decide, do I need to raise my pitchfork or can I lower my arm and drop it? And when we do this, we don't want to walk in and be sappy and insincere and just kill him with kindness. That's not what this means, right? Because that's low vibes, too, because it's not aligned with truth. But we don't want to go in and attack. And we have to know that people are innately feeling defensive. They want to feel seen, they want to feel heard. They're worried. Is this person trying to take something from me? Is this person going to hurt me? How is what this person's going to say impact me? They're only really thinking about their experience. That's human nature. So you want to go in and kind of disarm. And I like to do that by setting the stage for thanking somebody for having a conversation, for acknowledging that I look forward to hearing their perspective or I appreciate their time and hearing me out, just being truly sincere and honest and even so far as to lay out what we'd like to accomplish. In a lot of coaching on difficult conversations, you'll hear the phrase good, bad, good sandwich. And it means when you're approaching these, you start with something positive, and then you kind of hit the heavy stuff. And then you end with something positive. I don't believe that's to hide it. I think that is essentially using energy well, so that you're lowering the intensity. Then you get to the intense part. And when the emotions get really heightened again, we kind of lowered again and just let things settle. And so starting with something positive, letting people know that they're valued, they're seen, they're heard, they're worthy. Right? Because at the core of everything, all these energies, all these vibes, is our need. Individuals need to be connected, right? To feel that love, belonging, connection, and to feel that they're valued and they're important. As you're navigating this conversation, it's really important to stick to I statements. We do not want to go into a difficult conversation and say, you did this. Why are you always doing this? You hurt me, you made me feel a certain way. In truth, nobody can make anybody feel a certain way and nobody can inflict an emotion or pain on us unless we give them permission to. So with I statements, not only are we owning personal responsibility for our own energy and emotion, we're again, helping that person keep that pitchfork down on the ground. Because I guarantee you, as soon as you start with the you statements, they are picking that up and that thing is coming flying and we don't want that because flying pitchforks aren't good for anybody. So focusing on I statements. So I felt X, Y or Z, I would like to focus on this. So by focusing on I statements, you're really allowing the person to hear you rather than respond to you immediately. As soon as you start telling them what they've done, how they feel, how their actions have impacted you, or things that you believe they should have done differently, they are formulating their response. Okay, so those are the strategies that help you set the framework for a successful difficult conversation. Right? Being clear, aligning your energy, lowering the pitchfork by starting with something positive, not insincere. Right, positive. And focusing on I statements. Now, as you navigate the conversation, some things that are really important, do not get lost in all the emotion. I'll say that again, do not get lost in all the emotion. And when I have difficult conversations, I almost like to think of it as an out of body experience where watching myself in this conversation, or I like to think of it as I'm looking down and watching this conversation take place, essentially you don't want to get lost in the nitty gritty of what it is, because at the core, whether this is about taking the trash out, whether it's about asking for a raise, whether it's about changing plans or stating that you're unhappy in a relationship, at the core for both parties is always the connection to feeling safe, to feeling secure, to feeling seen, to feeling loved, and to feeling worthy. Now, when we think that's going to be threatened by us sharing some news, right? Or if we're asking for a raise, we fear that emotional intensity of what could happen if it's rejected our sense of worth, our sense of value. Or we fear if we tell somebody that we're changing plans, that they are going to become upset with us and how that's now going to impact our safety, our security, our connection. So really not allowing yourself to get lost in all the emotion, the emotional experience that happens as part of the human experience. This doesn't mean that we don't feel emotions. And this is something I get asked a lot of times, like, if I feel emotions. Of course I do. I laugh, I cry, I hurt, all of these things. But what I work really hard to do and coach others to do is to not let those emotions get in the driver's seat. And when we're making decisions, right? Or when we're having these conversations. So not getting lost in emotion in this conversation is going to be really important. And it takes practice. It's like you have to kind of retrain your emotional response as you are having this conversation. You really want to peel back the layers. And to do that, you've got to be an active listener. Too often conversations get derailed because people aren't listening to each other. They are only formulating their own responses, their own defense. They're like defense attorneys building up their case, but they're not even hearing what's being said. And when that happens and people aren't listening and they're only focused on within, they can't possibly build connection. They can't possibly build understanding or lead with compassion. They are standing in a place of low vibes, right? Of defensiveness, of fear, of worry, of doubt. So truly leading with curiosity to understand what the person you're talking to, what they're saying, what their needs are, where they're coming from. You might not like what they're saying, but they might be doing the best that they can with the information that they have. Or they might be doing the best that they can within the framework in which they have the ability to make decisions, right? Or with the tools that they have available to them, with the clarity on your goal, right? On what you want to achieve in this conversation. Throughout throughout the conversation, you want to almost envision yourself, whether you're looking above or just kind of having that out of body experience watching this conversation transpire, you want to envision yourself kind of pulling the conversation back whenever it starts to go haywire. And haywire means out of alignment with what your goal is. So that's why being super clear on what your goal is is important before having these conversations, because you need to know when you're getting lost, off track. And this doesn't mean that we're not hearing the other person or we're not making space to have more intricate conversation. It just means that any conversation we're having is going to be productive and in alignment with what the ultimate goal is. And sometimes that means acknowledging something and saying, I understand where you're coming from on that. It's not necessarily relative to this. I would like to talk about that at another time. But right now I think it's important that we stay focused here. And so training your ability to kind of catch and identify when things start going haywire and then bringing it back in and then to conclude your conversation after you've been heard, after you've listened. As long as you have stayed aligned and talked through all that you can, it's important to know when to conclude. Now, sometimes you might not have the solution, sometimes the conversation might need to be continued. So recognizing when to end the conversation is really important. And so that could look like stating, I think we've achieved or accomplished all we can today. I really appreciate your time. It could also be, you know, you've said some really important, thoughtful, meaningful things. I'd like some time to process and think about and not rush. I'd like to revisit this at another time. Now if ideally your goal is achieved and you're both happy, amazing, right? Then you think and celebrate. And I actually like to. I've done this in my own personal life and my difficult conversation said, I really appreciate that we can have this difficult conversation. I really appreciate that we're able to do this and we're able to do so respectfully and we're not pointing fingers and we're not yelling and we're not competing to be heard or listening. And I think that's an important thing to do, right? Where we bring energy, that's going to grow. And so when you bring energy and positive reinforcement to productively talking in this difficult, uncomfortable space, that's going to feel good for that other person and they're going to be, they're going to feel more Safe and less resistant to having future difficult conversations. And regardless of where you're at in your life. Right. I talked about all ages I work on this with doesn't matter where you're at, difficult conversations are inevitable. Now, if it didn't go very well, you didn't get your goal, it's important to still conclude that, to thank the person, maybe to ask if you can think about it and follow up or you'd like to consider their perspective. Now if it's something like you've asked for a raise and you didn't get it, then you need to really think about what decision you want to make going forward. If you don't feel that value from your company, is that where you want to be? And if you are going to be there, well, then you're making an informed decision, knowing that's what your rate of pay is going to be but still having some follow up steps in terms of I really need to process and think about this. This is how I plan to follow up is really important. And also thanking them for their time, for their direct communication and for the opportunity for you to be heard. You know, if you're in a different position and you're sharing news that you know is going to hurt somebody's feelings, it's important to share some compassion at the end and thank them for having the conversation and honoring I don't expect you to agree with me. I understand if you don't agree with me. I honor that you have a different perspective. But I have to be really clear and true to myself and this is my truth and I need to stand in it. And you also deserve to have all honest information. You deserve to make decisions based on information. That's true for you as well. And so you're not backing away from what you may or may have just shared. Right? That could have been hurtful. You're not apologizing for it, but you are honoring that person and you're letting them feel heard, feel loved and seen. And again, everything comes back to whether it's the pitchforks, right? Whether it's the emotion that happens or this ending portion, everything comes back to what's in that center. Our core need to feel safe, to feel secure, to feel connected, loved and worthy. And we don't always have to agree, we don't always have to be in agreement to still have space and feelings of safety, security, love, belonging, connection, worth. In fact, I think when you know that you're going to get honesty from someone, even if it's not what you want to hear that creates a really safe environment. And so I'm telling you from my own experience, I understand that difficult conversations are difficult. Right? That's the whole topic. I've said the word difficult 98 times in this short podcast episode. I get it. They're hard, they're uncomfortable. So when fight or flight kicks in, right, we want to avoid them, or we want to go in with our fist flying, and we want to just muscle through it, Take some steps back, breathe. Know that with clarity and your energy aligned in a positive way, you can go in and lower that person's pitchfork, right? You can allow them to feel safe. You can engage in conversation that rather than looking to only respond, is actively listening, mutually actively listening, building compassion, building connection, building patience, building trust, building understanding. And that when you do that, even if there's not a complete agreement at the end, or maybe didn't go exactly how you wanted, you're actually creating a safer place. You're creating a space for you. And whoever you talk to knows that not only can you together navigate difficult conversations, but that they can expect respect, honesty, authenticity. Right. And sincerity from you. And when people know that, even if you're not telling them what they want, they are going to appreciate that and they are going to align with you in many other ways. So if you have that conversation you've been avoiding, go ahead, write down these strategies, try it out, and know that it's not a one and done. You're not going to have one, and it's suddenly going to become easy with time. As I said, I've been doing this for over a decade now. With time, it will become a lot easier. And you are so worthy of living your life in a way that allows you to not feel afraid, burdened, or over capacity from standing in your truth. All right, friends, thank you so much for tuning in and talking all things difficult conversations. I hope that was helpful for you. I hope it offers you some tools to add to your toolbox so that whether you're talking with your significant other, your boss, maybe a staff member, a best friend, a sibling, a parent, a child, whoever it may be, or maybe just somebody who got your order wrong at a restaurant, that you're able to have these conversations from a place of empowerment and possibility, not from feeling overwhelmed and scared, it is so absolutely possible. I have coached so many people to do that and I have watched it change their life. And I hope that this allows you to start to do the same. As always, it means so much to be able to share these lessons. I have learned from Layden or that have been strengthened through Layden, and having difficult conversations is without a doubt one of them. If this episode resonated with you, please share head on over to itunes or Spotify Rate and review. That allows us to spread the work that we're doing here and far beyond. And we'll talk soon.