39: Anticipatory Grief - In life, relationships and jobs

Hello friends, and welcome to Grief Guts and Green Smoothies. I am your host, Melissa Dugalecki, and I am so excited to be here with you all to chat about ways in which we can all get through different adversities, challenges and loss and how getting outside of our comfort zone and maybe having a green smoothie or two can help us do so. We will cover different topics ranging from interviews to recipes to sharing my own stories of my grief journey and the loss of my daughter Layden. And I'm honored to be able to share her light in hopes of helping you spread yours. Now let's dive in. Welcome back to Brief Guts and Green Smoothies. I am your host, Melissa Dugalecki, and I am so honored and grateful to share this space with you to talk about all different aspects of our lives, of conversations, of usages, of our energies that are going to allow us to feel our very best. All of these episodes are inspired by my daughter Leiden, who lost her life to necrotizing entercolitis in 2014 at Boston Children's Hospital. And it is my honor as her mother to allow her light to spread to help others. So today we are talking all about anticipatory grief. So defining what that is, what differentiates it from other aspects of grief, how to manage it, feelings associated with it, and ways that you can feel your best as you navigate something so challenging. What's interesting is anticipatory grief is not limited to death. In my opinion, anticipatory grief, like any lessons in grief or any types of grief, can apply to anticipating the loss of a relationship, a job, moving, changing a life circumstance, a shift in a friendship. So all of these forms of anticipatory grief, though not in the traditional sense, it's really important to understand them because they're going to pop up in all of our lives and we don't want to let that knock us down. We want to understand it so that we can move forward and feel our best. Without any further ado, let's dive in. So anticipatory grief, much like what it sounds, it is when you are anticipating grief, so you're anticipating loss. Now in the traditional sense, this applies to, you know, a critical illness or maybe a trauma that happened that's going to lead to a life threatening situation or somebody's in a life threatening situation in the less traditional sense. But what I think is extremely important to talk about is that these energies, these experiences also apply to those day to day things like a breakup, like quitting a job or being fired from a job Moving or switching completely the trajectory of your life and anticipating the loss of the way you've always lived. So experiencing anticipatory grief, experiencing this angst, sadness, this shortness of breath, maybe a shortness of temper, shortness of attention span, all of these shortnesses which are essentially a manifestation of a limited capacity. We've talked a lot about capacities on here. If you haven't heard that episode, check it out. But these limited capacities that are going to impact your day to day. So those navigating anticipatory grief, they are anticipating a loss. Again, this could be relationship, friendship, parenting, your child, going to college, moving. And in a more traditional sense, anticipatory grief applies to critical illness, critical illness or a trauma that took place, such as somebody being in a coma, somebody having life threatening injuries from an accident. And so the feelings associated with anticipatory grief can include a sense of powerlessness, an intense sadness, a deep confusion, the world doesn't make any sense anymore. Anger can be a part of anticipatory grief. Overwhelm is extremely common. And at the root of it, ultimately all these energies, right. Is that threat, is that impact on love, connection and belonging, which is truly at the center of everything that we experience. Now, of course, the level in which you experience the symptoms of anticipatory grief will vary with the intensity of the level of grief that it is. And I don't express level in terms of a hierarchy. Right. We don't, we don't have hierarchies here. It's not better than, it's not worse than, but there are different intensity levels. And while that doesn't make it better or worse, that is going to impact the intensity of the experience. So particularly for those anticipating loss of a loved one, it's extremely important to be aware of these impacts so that you can navigate it. Now, even if you're anticipating the loss of your family dynamic, if you're going through a divorce, or if you are in a relationship that you see ending, or if you're preparing for your son or your daughter to go off to college, it's still important to recognize that these feelings will surface. And there are certain steps you want to take to have that level of personal responsibility, to stand in your power to stay in the driver's seat, and truthfully, to prevent ourselves from causing more harm, from doing damage control. When we're already vulnerable, we're already tired, we're already exhausted, and think about that. So often when our capacities are limited, when we're tired, overwhelmed, we can create More damage because we're not necessarily aware of it or not fully in control of how we feel. And then we're spending all of this time doing damage control and trying to undo what we've done. So what. What I want for all of you is one, to understand it so that you know you're not alone, so you know this is a real thing. And then so you can stand in the power of your own energy to feel your best. So we're not adding difficulty on top of difficulty, because when we don't understand it, we're essentially adding difficulty on top of difficulty by avoiding it. We can add more difficulty by masking it down and pushing it down and stuffing it down or numbing out through it and all of these things. While, yes, it works good in the moment, and it's gonna avoid an escape from the pain in the moment. I get it. That's human. Offer yourself the chance or offer someone you love to really understand what's happening so that we can face it. Because the only way out is through. The only way out is through. And it may suck. You may not want the card you've been dealt. It may not feel fair when we get that right to have those feelings, but we can't grow in them. So you want to let them go. You want to face what's going on. You want to work through it. Because as much as it sucks, much as I learned this in my own grief journey, I wanted to fight the heck out of my grief journey. Those of you, many of you know I left the country, right? I flew out of the country to see a world renowned grief speaker speak twice. And I went by myself that first time after leaving, died. I thought, okay, if I can just hear the right thing, then this pain will go away. Then I'll be able to figure this out. If I just do this, then I'll get through grief. And I had to be humbled, right? I had to realize that the only way out was through. I had to feel my pain. I had to understand my pain by really studying grief. It allowed me to navigate it in a way that helped me get through it with minimizing that damage control, finding growth, opportunity, honoring, leading, doing it all in a way that worked for me. So I want you to do it in a way that works for you. And of course, I'm so sorry that you're on this journey more than anyone. I understand it is an unwelcomed aspect of our lives, but it is an aspect. So let's talk about what to do. Do no shocker. The first thing I want you to do is recognize that your capacity is limited. This might not be the time to take on something extreme, something new. This might not be the time to facilitate a meeting at work or to have a difficult conversation in your personal or professional life. This might be the time to take a sick day, a personal day. That's why we have them. This might be the time to cancel plans. This might be the time to up some self care. We do these things to protect our already limited capacity to remove some of that push down and what can feel like a pressure valve constantly just we're in this pressure cooker and it can become suffocating. So recognize your capacity so that you can create space within it. I like to find little wins, right? Where's a little win? Where can you say no to today? Where can you recharge today? Where can you protect yourself today? Just these tiny little bits that will add up. Now the next aspect of anticipatory grief I think is the hardest. And maybe that depends on the day in all fairness, because it was also the biggest no brainer for me. But you have to shelf your own experience when you're with your loved one. And this is going to look different based on the level of anticipatory grief. So for example, if you are navigating grief, anticipating the loss of somebody that you love, it's really important that you shelf that when you're with them. Because if that person is fighting for their life and that person is scared out of their mind and that person is sick or in pain, or if that person might be confused or overwhelmed, we don't want to place, I like to use the example hot potato. We do that a lot. Like this anticipatory grief is like a hot potato. It's this uncomfortable, painful energy. We don't want to just take that hot potato and put it in their lap. The same holds true at different levels. Your son or daughter or whoever it may be is preparing to move or go to college or get married, right? There's a change in the dynamic of the relationship and you feeling a sense of grief from that. We don't want to hand them the hot potato from our own sadness because what does that do? That takes away from their experience and then it's no longer about them. It's no longer that selfless loving. So we want to shelf our grief when it's our turn to show up for them. For me, this really was, you know, Laden was an infant. So while I do believe she could Feel my sadness. For sure. I had to really shelf. I had to take almost an out of body approach when I was in the hospital because I had to be able to hear what the doctors were saying, the nurses were saying. And I had to act as her advocate, not as her, you know, at one point, I mean, most of her life I wasn't anticipating loss, but at the end, yeah, absolutely, it became more critical and in truth, I don't know that I ever actually anticipated it. I was fighting that until the night they told us she wasn't gonna live. I really thought she was going to. So maybe I was fighting it or afraid of it, but at some, at some level there was certainly a layer of anticipatory grief, fear of it or denial of it or running from it. But either way, when the doctors came and spoke and think about this, this is, this was really hard. I had to not process information as Layden's mom because that information was so sad. I would just, I would, I would break down and cry. I had to show up in those moments as her advocate. I had to show up in those moments and as her decision maker. I had to show up in those moments as her voice because she didn't have her own. And I know that a lot of people taking care of somebody who's critically ill can relate to that. And so I'm not telling you that it's easy, but try to create this out of body experience when you are working with medical professionals or hospice caretakers or whoever it may be, to show up as the voice of the person you love, right? Of that anticipation of that grief and shelf your own experience, just in those moments, not forever. Because the next step that I want you to do, and don't let this be confusing, is I want you to make space for it. And at times I want you to share it with that person. I want you to, when appropriate, if appropriate, you'll know this. To be able to share your fear and your sadness. We'll take the example of your child leaving or moving or whatever it may be to be able to say to them, I feel a sense of loss. I love you so much. And this is an important next chapter. Not asking you to carry this for me, I just want you to know, like, I'm so excited and I got that sadness too. Then we're not dancing around it. Then we're not masking it because likely the person senses it from you. So you're making space to be able to share it with them. Ask them maybe how their experience is now, in the more intense experiences of anticipatory grief, it's going to depend on the level. And maybe sharing it is reinforcing. Your love for that person, is using the word and reminding that person you are there with them. And this is a phase and this is a wave and it's painful and it's beautiful. And you're there because that's what you signed up for when you're not with them. I want you to make space for it by getting support. I absolutely want you to get support. We are not meant to muscle through these challenges in our lives alone. And it's interesting. I was at an entrepreneur's conference this past weekend with Mooch, and one of the most successful entrepreneurs in the world was speaking. The biggest mistake she has seen is people thinking they have to or need to do it all on their own. And she was speaking in terms of business, but I heard it in terms of life. One of the biggest mistakes I see people make is this perception, this thought, this pressure that we've got to do it all on our own. And that's because we're often given those messages, right? And we're taught that. And previous generations, and maybe the world that they lived in was a little bit different and they had to muscle through a little bit more than we have to now. But we've learned that muscling through doesn't serve us well, right? Muscling through doesn't serve others well. I want you to make space for your anticipatory grief by, in some capacity, sharing the journey with the person you love. The level of appropriateness in the way in which you do so will vary based on the intensity, the age, the specific type of anticipatory grief. If you have questions on your specific example, just reach out. Happy to chat about it, but I want you to make space for it in your own life by getting support. The very last thing I want you to do is, is to just open your mind to possibility. And this is really hard and I'm not going to rush it on you. The speed at which you can do so will vary substantially with the level of intensity of the anticipatory grief. So if we are looking at the example of somebody leaving for school or moving or whatever it may be, it's a little bit easier. Doesn't make it fun, right? Doesn't make it wanted. Might stomp your feet for a little while, right? But finding the possibility of opportunity. So now maybe as an empty nester, you have the opportunity to travel, the opportunity to spend More time with friends or to show up for others in your lives when you didn't have the time in that last chapter of your life because you were running around taking care of X, Y and Z. It's a lot more challenging to do this if you're anticipating grief in your life, right? If you're anticipating grief in the sense of the loss of a life, of course. But just opening up to the possibility that there's beauty in this current chapter and the possibility that there are going to be ways to carry this person with you, to honor them and to feel really good about the time you're spending right now. I think that's really important is that it will look different for everybody. But at the end of the day, when that loss you're anticipating presents, I want you to feel really good about the time you spent, the energy you shared with that person leading up to it. This doesn't have to mean dropping everything in your life. This doesn't have to mean only giving to that. It means showing up and being present when you're there. Sharing love, communicating directly, holding your truth, holding them in their own way, being there for them. So these things that we actually have control over because there is so much we don't have control over that we want to focus on what we do. So those are some action steps that you can take as you're navigating anticipatory grief, which is when we are anticipating the loss of someone we love. And most importantly, I want you to recognize it's a thing like this is real. You're gonna be irritable, you're gonna be sad, you're gonna be tired. Don't negate it. And also don't negate the loss when it happens. And this is a common theme that I see around anticipatory grief is we're anticipating the loss. It's almost as if when it comes, we don't give ourselves permission to grieve. And that's a whole other loss. Now you're grieving anticipatory loss. You're often grieving the way that it was. But once that grief actually sets in, your loss actually sets in. Now you're grieving the loss of what was right? That physical connection of that presence, having that person to talk to or talk at, right, or feel or touch or whatever it may be. So do not make negate that your loss is just as painful as an unanticipated loss. There are different levels, there are different layers, but it is real. And with that, there's Often a layer of relief that can come with anticipatory loss. And I want to be really careful and tease out that it is not relief that you're happy that this person is no longer in your life, but there is a really human sense of relief when you're not constantly living in crisis mode. You're not constantly looking at your phone, wondering if this is the call. There's a normal sense of relief when you're not spending 16, 18, 20 hour days because you are managing your entire life and taking care of that person that you love. That does not mean you're not sad, it doesn't mean you're not grieving. It doesn't mean that you wouldn't give up anything for another 20 hour day of exhaustion and fatigue to be able to touch and feel that person. Right. I felt a sense of relief that made me feel really guilty because I spent, gosh, the last month of Layden's life constantly on eggshells. And anyone can really know that is exhausting. I get emotional just thinking about it. That was absolutely exhausting. The beeps, the rounds of the medical teams, the roller coaster ride, not even day in and day out, hour by hour, that roller coaster ride, leaving to go for a run or to take a shower and being petrified, having to have my phone on me, that level of trauma, that was exhausting. So there was a sense of relief when that was lifted. But I will tell you, I'll be honest and get emotional just talking about it, thinking about it five and a half years later, I would take that trauma every single day. Still, to be able to touch Laser. And I know that anybody else navigating anticipatory grief feels the same way. So any sense of relief that you feel does not take away from your pain, your loss or your love. It's a really human part of the experience of having this exhausting trauma lifted from your shoulders. And thank God that's been lifted because you got a lot more weight put on your shoulders now to manage your loss. So with that, my friend, be really careful about the stories we tell ourselves. Don't dismiss your grief because it's anticipatory and you quote, unquote, saw it coming. Don't minimize it by thinking everything happens for a reason, thinking it will get better when, or at least I knew. All of those things are just ways that people either impose on us or we impose on ourselves to try to escape the discomfort of loss, make space for its real, and then follow all the action steps around grief, right? Go back and listen to those episodes on grief that really break it down and give you strategies. Reach out to me, reach out to others, find support. But no, anticipatory grief is a real thing. It can happen at all different levels. The level at which you employ supports will vary, but it's so important that you do. And I am cheering you along every step of the way. All right. It had been a little while since we had dove into grief and I felt it was important to do so. Right. Grief guts and green smoothies. We want to make sure to include that aspect of this. And it all comes in waves. There was a week around Layden's anniversary where we did that five episode special around grief. So if this helped you and you want to learn more about grief, go check out the episodes in June, June of 2019. There are five in a row, all covering different aspects of grief. They're all sprint episodes. And hopefully that will support you more as well. Please feel free to share this with anyone that could benefit. Grief is so under talked about. That's why we have these conversations here. It's a reality for almost all of us in our lives. I believe all of us, at some point we're going to experience different levels of grief. And so we don't want to run from it. We don't want to stuff it down. We don't want to fight it. We don't want to flight it. We just want to feel it. We want to make space so that we can move on. Because the only way out is through. So thank you all for being here, sharing in this journey, for helping me spread Laden's light as her mother. Nothing means more. I see you. I understand being bonded together by grief is an unwelcome bond, but it's our bond, right? And we've got to remember that we've got this and we've got this on our own and we've got this even more together. So if this episode resonated with you, please share it. Whether it's to someone you love or group, whoever could benefit so many amazing grief groups out there. Go ahead and rate in the review because that's going to help us get this work out there which is going to spread Layden's light. So I am so grateful to be able to shine and share Layden and appreciate you helping me in my mission to do so. We'll talk soon.