44: The Truth of Traditions

Hello, friends, and welcome to Grief Guts and Green Smoothies. I am your host, Melissa Dugalecki, and I am so excited to be here with you all to chat about ways in which we can all get through different adversities, challenges, and loss, and how getting outside of our comfort zone and maybe having a green smoothie or two can help us do so. We will cover different topics, ranging from interviews to recipes to sharing my own stories of my grief journey and the loss of my daughter, Layden. And I'm honored to be able to share her light in hopes of helping you spread yours. Now, let's dive in. All right, everybody, Today we are talking traditions. This is something that we talk a lot about this time of year, right? As we are approaching Thanksgiving, we're coming off of Halloween, and then we're entering the holiday season with so many different holidays that people celebrate and honor. In my family, I grew up celebrating Christmas. There are so many different variations of that, but regardless of which one we choose, it's not about which specific expression of a holiday. Right. It's about the traditions at the root of holidays, which has really had me thinking about traditions in general. And today I'm actually going to talk about the weight, the heaviness that can come with traditions, and that often comes from misunderstanding. So if you have ever felt a little bit more tense around the holiday season, a little bit stressed, overwhelmed, maybe on eggshells, this episode is definitely for you. We are talking traditions. Let's dive in. Traditions. Such an interesting concept, such an interesting word. And by definition, traditions are the transmission of customs or beliefs from generation to generation, or the fact of being passed on or passed down in this way. And so I would love for you to take inventory when you think of tradition, what comes to mind? Write it down, think about it. And I look back and I can see a version of me that clung so tightly to traditions. I remember that it would be two or three weeks in a row of doing something, right? Of stopping for a coffee, maybe after an event or a class, or going out to dinner after a certain athletic game, going to the same place. And after two or three weeks of doing this, I'd say, it's tradition. We're doing it. It's tradition. We're all going to do it. I'd have a potluck dinner before certain events or games. And I'm talking a lot around athletics. My background's in athletics. And tradition lies very heavily in athletics, Right. For me, it was whether what bus seat I was sitting on or, you know, it can be very intermingled with superstitions, right? Doing certain things the same way over and over. And it was passed down as traditions. And what I was seeking was a sense of safety, a sense of control. And I'm not alone in this, but I'm sharing my own experience as how I've come to understand it, to help you with yours. So traditions is this act of something being passed down. But so often we can cling to tradition or put the label of tradition on something when we are seeking the energy of safety, of control, of predictability, of that reassurance of, oh, we've done it this way two, three, four times, we're going to continue to do it that way. And that makes me feel safe. So we're going to call this a tradition. Now, on another level, I think traditions can also be dangerous. In fact, they can mask things that really don't serve us well. If we're sticking with the realm of athletics, tradition can often be applied to the act of hazing. This is what freshmen do. It's tradition. And if we step back and look at what team actually means, and if we step back and really tease out the intent of those traditions, it's to impact culture, it's to create a sense of belonging. But the means of many of those traditions actually do the opposite, right? It creates a culture of fear. We know those low vibe cultures aren't going to sustain long term growth. And so I challenge you today to really evaluate your understanding and your relationship with traditions, especially around this holiday season. Because what they do so often is put this intense pressure and weight to do things a certain way, right? If you've received something being passed down to you now, you've received that energy, that's a bit of a weight. Maybe you've grown that energy and maybe you feel like you need to grow it to eventually pass it down. But while you're carrying it, man, that can be a burden. Or maybe you go along with certain traditions or do certain things because that's the way it's always been done. Now, I have nothing against routines or traditions or things that feel really good that we do. Absolutely. We don't have to mix things up for the sake of mixing things up. However, we also don't have to do the same things just for the sake of doing the same things. Because if we're always evolving and our families are always evolving and our friends are always evolving, how can it possibly be in alignment to always do the same things around these traditions? If we're not all aligned in the Same places. It's impossible. It's absolutely impossible. And I talk a lot about stress coming from a lack of alignment. Well, I believe a lot of the stress of holidays comes from a lack of alignment because we're not aware, right? We're not clear. We're going through the motions and doing things that we should do, eating things that we should eat, attending something because we're supposed to, hosting something because that's the way it's always been done. We've got to strip down these pressures. We've got to let tradition be a high vibe, place of joy and connection and not this low vibe weight of guilt or fear of shame, of should. Because if we allow traditions to come from those vibes and they're not accomplishing the intent, they're sought out for because nobody started or implemented a tradition to make it stressful or heavy. So let's not allow them to be that. Let's let go of that other stuff. And there are ways that we can do that. There are absolutely ways that we can do that and alleviate that pressure and make more space for the connection, for the joy, for the love. So here are some things I want you to do as you evaluate and decide how to navigate and integrate traditions into your life. First thing I want you to do is see, where can I alleviate some pressure? Something's feeling heavy or unaligned. Where can I alleviate some pressure? Is this coming from the word should? Where did this start? Does it still align with our current state of being or with my current state of being? Is it okay for me to choose differently? What new energy can I bring to be aligned? So alleviate some pressure by really stepping back and assessing alignment capacity, assessing these different things to see how it serves you. Now, that's usually not as hard to do, right? Once we can do that, we can step back and see it. But then there becomes that fear of, oh, my goodness, I can't let you know, so and so down. I can't let my neighbor, I can't let my mom, I can't let my friend, my significant other, I can't let them down. And that's where I'm going to offer that. It's really a chance for connection. You can shift that fear to an opportunity of connection, right? It takes a little bit of vulnerability and courage and just a little bit of time, but it costs you nothing. There is zero price tag to it, to building connection. Think of how much money we have spent trying to build connection in our lives. Money that we've spent on food or drinks or gifts, trying to achieve a sense of connection. I'm telling you, it's free. Building connection is free. And it's having that conversation with somebody and saying, hey, I know this is what we've always done. I know this is what we plan to do. Here's where I'm at. This is how things feel the most aligned. What do you think about that? How can we achieve this? What can we shift? It could be as simple as maybe not having everything be homemade, maybe catering, maybe getting some food that's picked up or delivered or going out to eat. Still spending that time. Maybe it's shifting the time that you spend. Maybe it's shifting the schedule, the days. Maybe it's making something more intimate of a setting or maybe it's opening it up to be more inclusive of different parties. I'm reducing the amount of travel or stops, who knows? That's the beauty of alignment. There's not one way. So think about first where this pressure is coming from. And it's coming from a lack of alignment. So you've got to get clear on what's going to better align with you. Then allow that fear letting someone down become an opportunity for connection, problem solve together. Do not go to that person with your solution. Go with an open mind and curiosity. If you go with their solution, it's gonna feel like you're pushing on them. Ask them. Sure. Have some solutions in mind. Absolutely. But let it be a team effort to get there. When and if appropriate, offer yours as one option and stay open to what their options are. Watch how this connection is going to grow way more than it would over the stress and the chaos of a tradition. Because think about it, when we are unaligned and we're trying to force something. How many times have you been at a holiday gathering or a party or doing some traditional theme and you can tell people don't really want to do it and they're half involved or they're on their phones or they're scurrying around high strung and stressed because everything has to be perfect. The thing is, is they think everything has to be perfect so they can achieve connection and acceptance and love. But that stress energy of making everything so perfect is putting a block. It's putting a block between accessing that connection and love. So let's get rid of these blockages and let's simplify it. Let's simplify it. And then I want you to bring a presence. I want you to make that your commitment. I want you to align to presence over any tradition. Because I guarantee you, if your phone is down and you're making eye contact and you're giving hugs where appropriate, and you're asking people about their lives and you're listening, you're truly listening, your mind isn't going to a response and you're grateful. You're grateful for being exactly where you are. If you bring that presence that is going to be way more powerful than being in a certain neighborhood, at a certain house, on a certain day, at certain times with a certain perfectly pinterested recipe. Those aren't the paths to connection. The path to connection is within your own energy. And that's good news because you have full control over it. And it's free. Right? Save a lot of money this holiday season by changing traditions. Let's do that and let's put that money towards things that better serve us or give it to charities, programs or people that align with the true act of giving. Right? In the season of giving. Let's really give. I'm so excited and proud that in move we are giving a percentage of our entire sales and our quarter end numbers. They are going to our charities, to the next society and to ALS tdi. I'm really proud of that. It feels good to give. And so can we experience, can we make our traditions, our new traditions to not be about what it looks like this holiday season, but to be about what it feels like, Feel that presence, feel that gratitude, feel that connection, feel that giving. You can do all of those things in any format, you can be anywhere in the world and do those things. And how freeing is that when we let go of what it looks like and attach to what it feels like. And this is something I learned from Layden. I'm going to be completely honest, this was not something I understood until Layden, when that first holiday season came around and I should be Santa and I should be wrapping presents under a tree and I should be watching my baby try and pull off wrapping paper. I had to really quickly better understand the energy of the holiday season. I had to understand where traditions come from. They come from that desire, that need for connection. But I had to understand that we can attain all that without it looking a certain way. And it's not easy. It takes practice. But as I said, we start with alleviating that pressure that it has to look a certain way. I had to figure out where I was actually aligned and then I had to communicate that. And you know, I have a different episode, particularly for those going through grief in the holidays. Reach out to me if you Want, I can help you access that. But I had to have that conversation with my family about what I needed. A lot of those traditions shifted for me. But what I found was that through focusing on the energies, I have become even more connected, even more present, even more grateful from what it feels like and letting go of what it looks like. And that is a gift I have found ways to give in the holiday season that feel really good for me. And I can only wish the same for you. Remember, traditions come from this beautiful intent of connection, of safety, of control. I know control doesn't sound so beautiful, but it's this sense of wanting control around belonging, the sense of wanting control around acceptance. So it comes from this beautiful intent of love and connection. But they can manifest in ways that are a lot of pressure, that are overwhelming. And so any year that you have a tradition, enjoy it. If that's aligned for you, enjoy it. But let go of a need to control it. Be there, be present, and know that if you don't partake in something or if something changes, your worthiness of love doesn't change. And you have the power to cultivate even more connection and even more love, no matter what it looks like. And how freeing is that? So let's carry forth a commitment for our traditions to be about connection, alignment, presence, listening, gratitude and giving and trust that when those are our quote unquote traditions, it doesn't matter what's under a tree, what's wrapped in a box. It doesn't matter who's bringing what casserole, what cocktails, or whose house we're going to. It doesn't matter if somebody can't attend one year. It's not a rejection of you. And you not attending is not a rejection of them. Let's let all of those unnecessary layers go attached to the energies that are truly the tradition of the season. And that's the energy of love. As you know, I do mindset work in, move in, group setting. That's something you're interested in getting that mind, body or belly. Please reach out, ask the question if you want to work with me one on one. I'm not currently taking any new one on one clients. I'm full. But that will likely shift in December. People are always evolving in, evolving out. Please do me a favor. Don't wait for the new year. Don't wait for that. The longer you wait, the harder it is to create change, right? The more we put energy in one direction, the more it's going to grow there. So don't allow that comfort to keep you stuck. Reach out now. Have the conversation. If this episode resonated with you, please take a second to just rate a review, share it, Spotify or itunes. That's just going to allow this work to grow, right? These messages to get out there. And if it helped you, well, it could help someone else. So if you're sharing it, then you are allowing somebody else to grow as well. And what a gift that is. Thanks for tuning in, everybody. We will talk soon.