46: Holiday Help for Grief, Loss & Overwhelm

Hello, friends, and welcome to Grief Guts and Green Smoothies. I am your host, Melissa Dugalecki, and I am so excited to be here with you all to chat about ways in which we can all get through different adversities, challenges, and loss and how getting outside of our comfort zone and maybe having a green smoothie or two can help us do so. We will cover different topics, ranging from interviews to recipes to sharing my own stories of my grief journey and the loss of my daughter, Layden. And I'm honored to be able to share her light in hopes of helping you spread yours. Now, let's dive in. All right, everybody, welcome back to Grief Guts and Green Smoothies. My name is Melissa. I am your host. I am so grateful to have you here. And speaking of gratitude, as we enter this holiday season and we enter a time of year where there's maybe an expectation or a norm or practice of feeling more gratitude, of having more connection, of sharing more love, which is a beautiful thing. And on the flip side, that can come with pressure, that can amplify loss. That can be really challenging. So on today's episode, we're going to unpack that. I'm going to talk about why the holiday season can be so triggering and give you some strategies and tips to navigate through. So if you're entering this holiday season feeling a little bit heavier or if you are supporting somebody who feels a little bit heavier, this holiday season, this episode is absolutely for you. Let's dive right in. All right, friends, so most of us understand that the holiday season is a bit more challenging when we're grieving. And remember, I like to really remind you that grief isn't just a certain type of loss. And so many people will say, oh, well, you have it harder. You, you lost your child. And while there are different types of loss and different intensities of loss, loss is loss. And at the core and at the root, if you're experiencing loss, there's not. There's not a hierarchy. There really isn't. And there are going to be different levels of intensity and types and layers, but there's no hierarchy. This stuff is hard. And loss can include the loss of a life. It can be the loss of a life imagined, maybe with a job, maybe a divorce or a relationship change. Those are really common types of loss that are going to flare up during this time of year. And it's important to understand why, because we don't want to add a layer of am I crazy? Right during this holiday season. Like, this can be enough. And there's so much beauty. We don't want to miss the beauty of the holiday season because of our grief. Because what happens when we miss the beauty of the holiday season is we're actually compounding loss. So we're adding the loss of the holiday season, the loss of time to connect on top of whatever loss we're navigating. So we don't want to completely compound loss now. We also don't want to pretend everything's okay. So you've got to find that balance that feels right for you, where you can access, where you can see the beauty, the love and the connection that can fill this time of year, and where you also don't put pressure on yourself to feel a certain way, to pretend, to hide, to diminish, to really push down and negate the loss that you're carrying. And so many people ask, well, why is it harder? It's just that time of year. Well, what this time of year is, is it's a time of year that's really focused on love and connection. It tends to be heavier with family or more intimate relationships. So if you're grieving a loss of somebody who you shared and envisioned many more years of these memories with these traditions, with, of course you're going to feel that loss. It's going to be even more present. It's going to be even more surface level. Now, what grief already does is it takes all of our stuff up to the surface. So it takes all of our little idiosyncrasies, whether it's insecurities, whether it's worthiness, whether it's, you know, feeling victimized. And then this magnifying glass, right, of the holidays, putting this intensity, like this burning intensity on connection, on love. And that intensity can be beautiful, but can also be burdensome, especially if you're grieving. So we've got to notice that these things mix together, creates. Right? It positions us as we navigate this season to feel suffocated, to feel overwhelmed, to want to shut down and retreat, to want to completely deny what we're feeling and put on a mask and maybe go in the complete opposite direction, right? Think that if we just will it away, it will go away. But the reality is, is that we've got to find this balance to healthily get through our grief, to even eventually find progress through our grief. We've got to find this balance of making space for what our new reality is, our new reality, and to access whatever we need through that. And that's hard. That requires some acceptance, some awareness, some asking for Help, compassion, Letting go of the word should, letting go of guilt. If we're telling somebody we can't do something, it requires a lot of things that are uncomfortable, but it's so possible. And this is truly where I believe the opportunities for growth do lie within grief. Because we're practicing really hard stuff. And let's be honest, we're practicing unwelcome stuff. I didn't want to practice any of this. There are zero parts of me that wanted to practice any of this, right? But our options are practice it or don't live it or don't, grow through it or don't. And the truth is, when you practice it and when you grow through it, you're able to apply it into life and you're able to apply it year round. So let's just break down a couple of these strategies. Now, none of these things are going to be shockingly new, right? If you've been here along the journey. My very first episode was about navigating the holidays and grief. Now, it came out at the end of January. Then there was still like that residual holiday feeling. Hopefully this is timed. That's going to really support you, right? Because today, the day this episode is coming out, is Thanksgiving. So of course, let's take a moment and find some gratitude. Truly, everyone listening, just take a moment and take a breath in and breathe in some gratitude. And as you exhale, let something go. And that may seem silly, but that's actually a practice. And some days, I want to be honest, some days all you're gonna be grateful for is your ability to breathe. All you're gonna feel grateful for is maybe your ability to feel like, even that pain. That's a sign of love, right? That's a sign of feelings. Maybe that's all you can reach for today. Maybe it's a family member, maybe it's a friend. Maybe it's the fact that you have the ability to listen to this episode. Maybe you're listening to it on your smartphone. Maybe you're traveling, maybe you have a car, Maybe you have wonderful food awaiting you or in front of you. And maybe that's exactly what you can be grateful for today. But as we navigate this holiday season, we've got to find something to attach gratitude for. And this is why in the daily mind work that I coach, in the daily manifestation work that I coach every single day, I coach others to find something they're grateful for. And specifically, not just the. I'm grateful for my mom, right? I'm grateful for the conversation I had with my mom and the eye contact we made or the vulnerability that was shared, it's got to be specific. So the first thing I want you to do is each day during the season, employ that strategy of cultivating and attaching to gratitude and know that some days, all you might feel grateful for is being able to breathe. And that's okay, because we want to honor where you truly feel grateful, and we don't want to force it where you don't. And if. If you're struggling to figure out how to do that, reach out to me. Shoot me a message. I will send you the morning mind work that I coach, right, That I teach, and that I encourage so that you can position yourself this holiday season to feel your best. I would be happy to do that. The next thing that I want you to do is to really think about your teammates. And I have an entire podcast episode, actually, episode number three on building your team. So go back and listen to that. Understand what types of teammates are in your life. Who are your listeners, who your distractors, who are your doers, who are your Xers, and how can each of them help you or not in this holiday season? So write down and identify your teammates. So first thing, bringing in that gratitude. Second thing, writing down your teammates, because you want to know who you can access certain support from, who is going to be the safe place that you can be in your heavy with? Right? Who are the places that will listen? Who are the places that will distract when you don't want to think about it or talk about it? They're not going to ask you to. And they're also not going to look at you like that. I'm not saying it, but I'm thinking it. Look, right? We all know that. Look, they're just gonna be able to fully allow their mind to be elsewhere with you. And it's okay to recognize not everyone can do these things. Not everyone can do everything. It's not realistic to expect everyone to do everything, but you can expect everyone to do one thing for you, and that's amazing, and that's beautiful. So go listen to that episode and think of who your teammates are. The next thing is having multiple plans. So grief is really suffocating. Grief is extremely suffocating. Now, as I talked about the recipe of the holiday season, and this time of year, grief is even more suffocating. So it can feel hard to breathe. You can feel trapped. You can feel a sense of despair, of how am I going to get through these days? And I will say, quite often, the days and anticipation leading up to grief can be more challenging. Not always, but in most cases, for myself, for people I've worked with, the days leading up to grief and challenge can be more suffocating. So how can we alleviate some of that without negating it? Because remember, we can't negate the heartache, the challenge, the loss, but we can alleviate some of the weight of the overwhelm that comes with that. And we do that by having multiple plans. So I like to say we have plan A, B, C, D, E, and whatever else we may need, and we communicate these. So plan A could be that you go along with what you've been invited to, what you've always done, because maybe that feels good for you, that sense of normalcy. Plan B might be that you go for part of it, you leave early or you come late, so you build in some space and some freedom around that. Plan C, you don't go at all because normalcy is not accessible to you. What you're navigating that normalcy, it is not accessible to you. This year, it doesn't mean you are not going to go back to that. But this year, trying to force a sense of normalcy doesn't feel right. So you come up with something completely different. I know for me that was true and I will share my first couple years, a big tradition in my family is Christmas Eve that was not accessible to me. The first couple years after losing Layden, I had to create a new, then, you know, routine, a new plan. And for me, you know, it was going to dinner with her father and going to church. And now I'm able to go back to my family traditions of Christmas Eve or have a hybrid of the two. So whatever holidays you celebrate or don't I think about, do you want to have a sense of normalcy and carry on in routines and traditions? Do you want to do part of that? Do you want to do none of that or do you want something else? Right. Is there something else that you want to bring a new tradition to your current tradition? Right. You could do that. You could bring something new to your current routine or tradition. Maybe it's a way that you honor your loved one or make space for it at your new tradition or your current tradition or new routine or current routine or whatever it is. So coming up with all these different plans and you can get creative about it, you can have alternative plans and you can have multiple of them. So really thinking about what it is that you need. And this is an amazing exercise in awareness. And so then once you do that, you want to give yourself permission to access that. So pull out the Bible. If you don't have the Bible, message me, I will send it to you, okay? This is the season of giving. I just want to give. I want to support. And so what high vibration, Remember, we can only grow in high vibration. What high vibration can you access to allow yourself to navigate this season differently? So you're gonna have to let go of judgment and replace it with compassion, right? You're gonna have to let go of any guilt or shame and replace it with trust. And when I say have to, you don't have to do anything. But this is what we want to practice doing. And more recently, right, I've created a hierarchy and these vibrations, sharing that on my Instagram. So check that out. With this idea of reach higher, you might not be able to access joy and connection and love right now, but can you access trust that it will get better? And that doesn't mean that you suddenly don't feel your loss. Getting better doesn't mean you don't care. Can you access openness? Openness to new experiences, openness to finding a sense of normalcy in a way that works for you? Can you access patience with yourself? Can you access compassion with yourself? You may not be able to access that sheer joy and love and connection, and that's okay. But what I want you to do is really look at this Bible and then look at this new method that I'll be sharing this week about reaching higher and taking off that pressure to reach to the highest. And just whenever we're feeling, just try and reach a little bit higher. And then the last thing I really want you to employ this holiday season is I want you to avoid having any intense conversations or making big decisions when you're feeling at capacity, right? When you're feeling a level of intensity. Because we can't grow, right? We can't make progress from those places. So let's not make decisions that our progress and growth depends on when we're in these places, right? And I'll just say that again. We can't grow or make progress when we're in these intense, overwhelming spaces energetically. So let's not make decisions that our growth and progress depends on. If we know we can't make growth in these current containers, right? These current energetic spaces, it's not the time. And this happens all the time. We're. We're at limit. We're at limit. We're at limit. And then we see it all the time, right? On TV shows. In our own lives and movies where there's that conversation that happens or somebody drops that bomb that lets you know how they really feel. If these holiday parties are gatherings, and really, it's just. It's a pressure overload, and those happen when we're looking to alleviate pressure and pain. So can we alleviate pressure and pain proactively and not add the loss of a relationship on top of the loss? We're already navigating by, you know, saying these things that aren't productive either. Can we proactively address our pain so we're not looking to displace it in another environment, right. To put it on someone. It can feel really good in that moment, that release. But we're actually making our grief heavier by doing that. We're isolating, we're complicating, we're adding layers now to go deal with and do some damage control, and we don't want to do that. So as you navigate this holiday season, please know my heart is with you. So many hearts are with you. It doesn't suddenly get easier. It doesn't go away. But what does happen is you employ the strategies, the tools, and you become more confident in yourself and being able to say, this is what I need. These are my teammates who can help me access it. This is the gratitude I'm bringing in today. These are the action plans I'm going to allow myself to choose from, even if they're not, quote, unquote, the norm. And these are the energies, these are the vibrations. These are the things I'm going to attach to that are going to allow me to feel my best, so that in this space that can be exhausting with comparison and judgment and guilt and shame and pressure, I'm taking off that pressure. I am making space for my pain. I am honoring my grief, and I'm navigating through in a way where I can actually grow and connect and love, because I deserve to do that. And I'm here to remind you, every single one of you are worthy of growth and love and connection. So let's not allow our heartaches to blockade our ability to grow, to connect and to love. Because our losses do not need to serve as a blockade to that. And in fact, we're honoring them. Whether it's an experience, a relationship, a life, we are honoring them. And we allow the energy of those to flow the direction of our growth, to growing, to a higher way of functioning, of living, of loving. And I am so grateful to be able to be a part of your journey in doing so so if you have any questions, go back and listen to that Teammates podcast Episode three. If you want the morning mindset work or that Bible message me, I'll send it to you. Keep an eye on your Instagram and Facebook. I'm going to put that Reach Higher PDF for you. All these resources just ways that I want to support you because it's so important to me to allow you right through my lessons from Layden, to allow her light to shine, to allow you to feel your best, to live your best, to share your best. Because if we're all doing that, this world is going to be closer to functioning at its very best and what more can we want from that? So thank you so much for listening as always. If this resonates with you, it would be so wonderful to spread this word further into the world. If you could take just 30 seconds and rate and review on itunes and Spotify or share it on social make sure to tag me. I'm utsngrief G u t S n Grief. You can find me online at Grief Guts and Green Smoothies and I am always so grateful to work for you. As a reminder, I am full in my current one on one coaching but if it's something that you're curious about, please feel free to reach out and we can could talk about if it's a fit when there's an opening. What other supports I can recommend for you so that you can begin your growth journey and your personal development as well. Because it's my honor to be a catalyst in that happening. Hug the ones you love tightly friends and we'll talk soon.