49: My Top 10 Lessons of the Decade

Hello, friends, and welcome to Grief Guts and Green Smoothies. I am your host, Melissa Dugalecki, and I am so excited to be here with you all to chat about ways in which we can all get through different adversities, challenges, and loss, and how getting outside of our comfort zone and maybe having a green smoothie or two can help us do so. We will cover different topics, ranging from interviews to recipes, to sharing my own stories of my grief journey and the loss of my daughter, Layden. And I'm honored to be able to share her light in hopes of helping you spread yours. Now, let's dive in. All right, everybody. Welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome to the last episode of the decade. It's unbelievable when it dawned on me that this would be the last episode of the decade and that we would be entering a new year, a new decade, I found myself really reflecting on, you know, all the changes that have transpired not only in this past year. I mean, this podcast is less than a year old, right? But that's really transpired in the last decade. And it inspired me to really sit down and think about ways that I could share, to really offer some value. And I wanted to share the top things that I've learned in the last 10 years. And maybe I'll be able to save some of you from going through the learning process, though that can always have its own benefits as well. And four things that I wish I knew. So 14 little tidbits for you. 14 happens to be my lucky number. So I'm excited to share these with you and help you start 2020 feeling your very best. So let's dive in. OK, so looking back on the last decade was mind blowing for me. It was like seeing all these different versions, you know, ago. It's like, you know, when a doll's come out or action figures or whatever it is, there are all these versions of them that evolve. Like, I felt like I was looking at a shelf with, like all these evolved versions of myself. And I think that's an important perspective to take. Like, everyone tuning in, right, you're likely committed to self growth, personal growth, or you wouldn't be here. So congratulations. And when we are growing, right, we're evolving and there are different versions of us, and that's a beautiful thing. Like, each version of us, you know, has a purpose for existence, has a lesson that they need to learn, has, you know, intention around getting to that very next version. So what's interesting and sometimes challenging about looking back is we can find ourselves thinking, how did I not know better? How did I not choose better? What, you know, if I had only. If I had only. And we want to refrain from doing that. The number one blockade that I see as a coach for people when they're doing their work, when they're, when they're working on growth, goal setting, making change is blame and shame and beating themselves up and really having a hard time owning their truths or accepting their past. And that is a massive barrier. They try and dance around it or avoid it or sugarcoat it. And what I really want is to just have a safe space for us to sit in the muck. Like, yeah, that was a part of my story. And here's where I am now. Here's what I learned from it. Here's how it's contributing to every single thing I'm experiencing going forward. Right? And the thing is, if we are learning from any challenge, then it's just feedback. I think we have this obsession in our country with positivity. And I'm actually, I'm a very focused growth, focus, growth mindset. But I am not a, you know, polypositive, for lack of a better term. I am a happy person. I am an optimistic person. I don't think in negatives. I don't really catastrophize. You know, we're all human, right? But I don't believe in this pressure, this urge, this addiction with everything being butterflies and rainbows. That's why I love the word and right. Like something can be really crappy and it can be an opportunity to grow. And so I encourage you, as you kind of tune in and listen and think about your last decade, let go of any shame, let go of any blame, let go of any ego and just sit in that place and use the word and, and think of how each and every chapter has contributed to where you are and where you're going. And you have the choice to decide what the story is attached to anything that you go through, right? You have the choice to decide what the story is that's attached to anything you go through. And you'll write that story with each breath, each moment, each usage of energy in your journey. Okay, so now that we have the ground rules, kind of established ground guidelines, rather established around how we look back productively. I want to just give you a glimpse into the decade ago version of me. So I was in my mid-20s, I had just left the corporate world, administrative role, and I was pursuing my passion, which was teaching and coaching. And I did not have a degree in education yet. I had studied psychology, sociology and Business in my undergrad over at Providence College. Go Friars. But I knew I wanted to teach and coach, right? I wanted to coach high school. I wanted to make an impact. I really wanted to teach and support. And so I became a teaching assistant. Now, you don't need to have your degree in education to be a teaching assistant. Now you also make about $16,000 a year. So I was working, making $16,000 a year. I was tutoring all over the state. I was coaching multiple sports, working football games, basketball games, hockey games, anything I could do. And I was bartending, and I was working at a group home for adults with disabilities, which I had previously been a residential director at. Now I was working shifts. So needless to say, I was like this tornado running around, right? And I was so busy and I didn't have time to do the work. And I look back and I was constantly working to make money, but I was exhausting so much money because of, like, holes and gaps and unhappiness within, like, things that I would buy to make myself feel better or extremes I would go to to try and win the love of other people, right? If I bought a really extravagant thing or cooked a really extravagant thing, then I would be worthy of love. Not doing the work cost me so much money. Now, luckily, it was right around this time a decade ago that I actually began doing the work because I realized when I made this change in careers that there was something missing, right? I thought I'd make this change in careers and it would be like the magic cure. I would suddenly be happy. And so when I found myself still running in circles, some of the patterns still happening, I began to do the work. And that's really when everything began to change. And of course, Leiden really amplified that. I am grateful that I had done the work for some time before Laden entered, because that certainly laid a foundation. And that's why I say don't wait for shit to hit the fan before you start doing the work. We don't have to be broken in order to go and strengthen, right? It's like when we're broken, it's like we're just getting back to baseline. But I want to take you from baseline to, like, your strongest, strongest version. And so for me, being able to navigate everything with Layden in a productive way in my own time, right? Not immediately is because I had laid that foundation. About a decade ago, I started working on personal growth and I started working on in personal development groups with a counselor. And really just different ways that evolved over time. So here are the top 10 things that resonated the most with me currently. And looking back on the lessons I've learned over the decade, and I've learned a lot of lessons. I'm going to touch on each of them. I would love to know which ones you want to hear more about. We can go deeper in episodes, maybe do some interviews around them, talk more about them. So let me know for sure. Right. Send me a message. But I was excited about these and I can't wait to share. So let's go. Number one is that so often we pursue a path we think we should be on, but it's not in alignment. Right. So for me, even initially pursuing this career in corporate and a cubicle, I thought I should be on that because that was, you know, what my degree was going to be put to good use, and that was a competitive job. And then I thought I should be in formal education because I wanted to teach and coach. And what I found was I actually really hated the regimented ways of schools. Now, for some people, it's really helpful. They want the same schedule every day. Not me, not me at all. It's actually why I believe I pursued special ed, because you get that flexibility with IEPs and going school to school and doing observations and a lot of meetings and then in administration. Right. You're kind of on your own schedule. I didn't want to be told when I could go to the bathroom, and I didn't want to only have 22 minutes to eat lunch. Right. Not enough time to chew your food. But in all honesty, I had to go through all that to figure out that I wanted to teach life lessons. I wanted to coach and I wanted to support and I wanted to draw on my education background, but I wanted to do it in more depth. Right? And we've got width versus depth, and I really, really am most aligned and going in the depth, like going in the deep places with people. So one of the things I learned was that when we're pursuing paths, we need to really constantly do alignment checks. Because in most cases, honestly, the majority of cases I see, we are pursuing things we think we should rather than things that are aligned. Okay. Number two, time doesn't heal. Time is not this magic cure. We can't just wait out our pain, can't just wait out our grief. Now, over time, we can build strength and we can build muscle and we can build a little bit of resilience, and we put teammates into place and we put supports into place. But it's not that time has done that. It's that we've done the work over time, right? Time doesn't heal all wounds. Time affords us the opportunity to do the work. And these things are challenges. And, like, they don't just go away. So we can't wait them out. We gotta do the work. Number three. Oh, this is a good one. To truly love is pretty painful, right? It's selfless. Now it's also joyous. But my understanding of love a decade ago was more about how I felt in a relationship, how that person made me feel, whether it was family or friend or significant other. I thought love was the feeling I received from the other end. I have learned love is about what you give, and it's that give and take. And holy cow, did Leiden teach me this. When I had to put my experience literally on, like, a shelf. Like, I would visualize doing it when we were at the hospital. I would have to put my fear, my pain, everything on the shelf to show up for her, knowing my heart could very well be shattered. And it was. But loving so hard that it didn't matter. Nobody was stopping me for showing up. I had to love selflessly after Leighton died and understand that people who I loved had really different needs than me and honor those. It wasn't just about what I needed in the grief journey. Other people connected to Laden. If I love them, it was about what they needed too. And so it's completely shifted my understanding of love. Right? Of course it's a give and take. But true love isn't just about how we feel or somebody's responsibility to make us feel like that's more dependency, that's needy. And I was right. True love is, like, about that. Giving, right? That honoring someone else's needs, that wanting to meet their needs, even if it's not your first choice, doesn't mean you put your needs second all the time or hide them or suffocate them. Right? It's just honoring and meeting someone else's and. And also meeting yours as well. Okay, number four, the lesson of what's possible. I never thought this was possible. I didn't think I'd have a podcast. I didn't think I would be essentially running three businesses from home. I didn't think I would have pursued yoga teacher training. I didn't think I would ever. This is probably the most poignant one. I didn't think I'd ever be happy after losing Laden. And I still feel guilty like that, mom. Guilt. I still feel guilty like I don't deserve to be happy, but I know. I know I do. Right? But that mom guilt can kick in. Or human guilt, rather. Right. And I feel like I don't deserve to be happy, but I know that I do. I work really hard on staying committed to focusing on ways to cultivate happiness than punishing myself for feeling like I'm not worthy of it. And so what's possible? Like, what is possible? And I'll say over and over, possibility isn't a guarantee. Right? We've got to do the work. But what's possible? Man. Just allow it to be so exciting. Like, look back on your last decade and think like, holy cow, look how far I come. And let it be so exciting about what's possible for the next 10 years, because it's amazing. And piggybacking off of that number five. I'm obsessed with personal development. I always was drawn to it. Psychology was my favorite class in high school. I studied psychology and sociology in college. I was really interested when I was in special ed. I worked at the high school level for students with social, emotional disabilities and communication disabilities. So I was always really interested in the way we process emotions and experiences and the ways in which we communicate. Right. Both perceptive communication, how you receive, expressive how we express, and those things always fascinated with me. And then I moved along in that journey and really turned inward. How do I process emotion? How do I communicate? And every investment I've made in my personal growth has returned itself times 10, times 100. And so my goal every day is to commit to one thing. I actually do this in my morning mind work. I write down one way that I'm going to grow personally. It might be listening to a TED Talk. It could be listening to a podcast. It could be having a difficult conversation I have been avoiding. But every day I am fully committed to growing in one way, if not more, but at least one way. And so what can you learn? Right? What can you learn? Maybe it's not just in your personal life. Maybe it's in a certain subject. Right? Maybe it's something that relates to your career or your children. What can you learn that's going to support you as a parent? There are so much knowledge. It's so amazing. People for centuries and decades committed to learning. And now we can reap the benefits of that. We don't have to go relearn everything. That's one of my favorite things Tony Robbins says about working with the coach. Let's not think we need to go relearn and figure everything out on our own. Let's be wise enough to learn from others who have walked this path. And so whether it's in personal development or one other way, like, where can you do that? Number six, I talk about this a lot. What you surround yourself with is your world. And that's your foods, it's your drinks, it's your podcasts, it's your TV shows, it's your colleagues, it's your friends, family, significant others. What you surround yourself with is your world. Most importantly, it's your thoughts. Right? Because your thoughts dictate everything. And so that's what's really exciting is we have full control over what we surround ourselves with. Sometimes we like to say we don't, we have no choice. We have full control over who surrounds us. And maybe we don't have control necessarily over something or somebody we don't want in our life, but we have control over how we allow it in, how we show up around it, how we establish a boundary, right? So that's amazing because in a world where so many things are out of our control, we have full control over what our worlds look like because we have full control over what we allow or disallow into our lives. And that's pretty amazing. All right, Number seven, We are not entitled to anything, but we are worthy of everything. I'm going to hit on the worthiness deeper in an upcoming reflection. Number but in terms of entitlement, I look back at that decade ago version of me and I had a sense of entitlement. I'm not proud of that. I didn't realize I did, right? I don't walk around and say I'm entitled to something. But things went wrong. I thought I was screwed over. Somebody did something I didn't like, well, you know, they were being selfish, you know, something didn't go my way or, you know, there was traffic, like, oh, how could this be happening? Was like these unspoken entitlements. Like I was entitled to a commute without traffic or I was entitled to people acting the way in which I wanted them to act. And the reality is Layden taught me this, like, we're not entitled to everything. I thought I was entitled to a happy and healthy child. I wasn't entitled to anything. Having Layden was a gift. It was a privilege. And so where can we look around? And this is huge because when we realize we're not entitled to anything, but we're worthy, right? We're worthy of everything. We're deserving. We don't need to prove that. Which is something I'm going to get into because I think it stands on its own. But we're not actually entitled to everything. When we realize that, we are so much more grateful, right? So where can we bring gratitude in? And when we realize we're not entitled to everything, you know what? We're not pissed off and disappointed all the time because our expectations weren't met, because we realize we're not entitled to it, right? So we live in this moment. We're appreciative. We're not constantly let down. So I challenge you honestly, go write down, like, where are places you're chronically feeling disappointed and where might there be layers of entitlement? You're entitled to somebody doing a certain thing or acting a certain way or communicating a certain thing, or you're entitled to something at work or in your personal life or even as simple as a commute without traffic. Like we're not entitled to that. So think about it. And I promise you, as you let go of entitlement, I don't think I'm entitled to anything anymore, right? I'm so grateful for everything. I know I'm worthy, right? And that's going to lead into the next one. Our life is not a quest to prove our worth. So this is number eight. Our life is not a quest to prove our worth. And holy cow, did the decade ago version of me think it was. Whether it was extreme gifts or excessive cards or taking care of others at my own expense, putting myself last, depriving my needs, but then meeting them in ways that cost me a lot of time and money and energy, depleting myself, and then maybe embarking in choices that weren't productive, right? That were more destructive because I was just so dissatisfied because all I was doing was trying to prove my worth to others, whether it was professionally or personally, on this quest to prove my worth for that validation, for that reassurance, for that acceptance, for that connection. And if you experience that on any level, first of all, you're very normal because that's how this world society tells us we need to prove our worth. I want to let you know you are so worthy in your purest, purest state of being, you are so worthy. And think about the places where you feel as though you have to prove your worth. It could be, you know, sometimes for some people, it can look like having a certain car or a number of garage doors or label of their pocketbook or jeans. It could be constantly putting others first or really going like above and beyond times 100 when hosting, right to the point where it costs a lot of money. And time and it's really extreme. Those extremes are essentially us trying to prove our worth. So while we're not entitled to anything. Right. Number seven, Number eight, we are not here in this world on this long quest to prove our worth. We are innately all so worthy. So where can we validate our own self worth? Let go of needing it from others and then we can show up more powerfully for others. It's incredible. It's a life changing shift. Happy to chat about it more with anybody. Okay. Number nine, it's okay to not be okay and it's okay to not know how things are going to turn out again. Obviously learn this one if you can't guess from laven. I was a control freak before and in the best aspects that I could be right. I wanted, you know, if there was something I wanted to get, I was gonna figure out how to get it done. There was a way. There was a way. If we worked hard enough, there was a way. I talked about this last week with Manifesting like I didn't understand it. There are no guarantees. I was all about goal setting or there are guarantees because I could figure it out. One of the most powerful things I learned in my grief journey and in my life journey, right, is it's okay to not be okay. Like, let's take this pressure off, to always feel our best, to always be smiling, to be able to access regularly gratitude. Some days the only thing we might be grateful for is our breath. And that's okay. If we can access that, that's amazing. But it's okay to not be okay. And it's okay to not know how things are going to end up. And I've learned that in a lot of capacities. And it's very freeing when you attach to the process and you detach from the outcome exactly how it's going to look like. And I'll tell you, had I not learned this lesson, I wouldn't be here right now. Because I never saw the outcome of podcasting and of life coaching, but I saw the process of personal development, of teaching, of coaching, of creating, of sharing value and of meeting needs right of where I could serve. And truly, that's where move came from and that's where my one on one coaching came from were those places. And that was attached to process, not the outcome. And so it's okay to not be okay and it's okay to not know how things are going to go. Right? Do your best every single day, truly. Just do your best every single day and trust things will fall into place. Maybe not immediately, maybe not even the way you envisioned, but perhaps in a way much more beautiful than you could have even imagined. And the very last lesson or reflection of the decade of my top 10, no surprise goes to Laban. I'm gonna get emotional here, but Layden was my greatest love. She is my greatest love. She was also my greatest pain and is my greatest pain. And those can coexist. Layden is the best thing that has ever happened to me in my life. And she has taught me that motherhood is not only the greatest gift for me that I could have experienced, but the role of being a mother surpasses any one format. It doesn't look one certain way. And I know there are a lot of moms who have different type of mom hats who listen in. And I just want you to know that motherhood doesn't have to look a certain way. It doesn't have to look like the Hallmark cards, what we see in commercials. Motherhood is this beautiful energy. And energy surpasses any one form and any one dynamic because energy can't be created or destroyed, right? So when energy shifts take place, that create motherhood essentially, right? That doesn't have to get lost or destroyed. It just shifts or it stays. But that energy of motherhood, it is with you. And I am just so grateful for Layna. She's why I'm here. I can't thank you all enough for helping me shine her light. I believe she came into this world to do really important work. And I believe that I have been given the gift of being a vessel for that. And that's what I'm here, and that's what I'm committed to do, even More so in 2020. So I'm just going to close out with a couple of things that I wish I knew. Remember, we can't look back and beat ourselves up. But these are things that I wish I knew. Four things. One, I wish I knew that you could make money and be a good person. I really thought in order to be a humanitarian and to give, I had to do it at the expense of myself, expense of my time, expense of my energy, expense of my emotion, expense of my finances. And it's just not true. In fact, the more resources you have, time, energy, emotion, finances, cultivated, the more you can give. And I use mine. I give generously to different charities, to my church, and I have, more importantly, other than finances, I have more energy to give to others than I did 10 years ago when I thought I was quote, unquote, giving. I Can give so much more now by not depleting myself all the time. And I know we have a lot of people who tune in who are givers, givers, givers. I just need you to hear that I can give so much more now that I'm not running in circles constantly depleting myself. So just think about that. If you want to talk more about it, let me know. It's something so important. Second thing is that the struggle isn't necessary. Like, I thought if I was really working hard, I had to be burned out and miserable, or I wasn't working hard. I actually. There's a time when I was in a certain role at schools where I would feel guilty not being burned out. Like, people were just talking about how burned out they were, and I would feel like, God, I better say I'm burned out, because if I'm not, they're gonna think I'm not working hard enough. And then I got doubtful. Like, am I not working hard enough? I mean, I'm not miserable now. I had been doing a lot of personal work at this time, and I know that that's why it was. And that was a toxic culture. But there is an addiction, right? In that culture I was in. There's an addiction in a lot of cultures in this world around having to be burned out and struggling or you're not working hard enough. And it's so not true. It goes back to the same thing as energy and money and being a good person. The third thing is I wish I realized that I was worth investing into myself sooner. I wish I realized I was worth investing into myself sooner. Now I can't go back. But again, this goes back to the other two that I said. Being a good person and generating income, being a hard worker, not struggling and being burned out. So I wish I knew the value of investing in my time, in my thoughts and myself and my pursuits sooner and not investing in, like, the things I should do, like, investing in the things that are really going to shift for me. And this was a hard one, this last one. Now I just want to note this last one's really different. Those first three are all about energy. And this is why I'm obsessed with energy. Because of 3 out of the 4 things I look back and wish I knew over a decade, over 10 years, have to do with energy, time, energy, thought, energy, exhaustion energy, financial energy, right? Being a good person and being hardworking. And like the relationships between energy and ourselves, I can't reinforce enough the importance for us to each commit to being Responsible for our energy, for using it productively, for investing in it, and for trusting the return on investments are tenfold, right? A hundredfold. And so, in all truth, and I really had to think about this one, the last thing that I wish I knew is, you know, I wish I knew I was gonna lose Leighton. And I can go back and forth on that, back and forth on that. And I know I couldn't know. I'm not, you know, I don't harbor anger about not knowing, but there is a part of me that wishes I knew, right? Because there are so many things that might have happened differently, ways that I would have prepared myself, moments I wouldn't have missed, work calls I wouldn't have taken. And that. That brings on some guilt, right? And I share that because while it was human to not know, you can't know. I think it's an important reminder, right, for us to ignore the noise and each day really quiet and zone in on what matters, right? And I was there for Layton. And of course, I look back and I think, I never would have left for that dinner or I never would have left for that event. And I did the best I could. And Layton felt our love, no doubt. But I wish I would have known. And for me, I carry that as a reminder to love deeply the people in my life, to tell them how I feel, to show up, to be honest when things aren't going well, and to be honest when things are going amazingly. And if we can all live our lives a little bit more along those lines, well, that's shining Layden's light really powerfully in each of our lives and the people within our lives lives. And for me, that's a gift. So I hope these lessons and wish I knews were helpful. These 14 points, in all honesty, each one of these could be broken down into an entire episode. So if there's one that resonated the most with you, please let me know. You can find me on Instagram, right? Guts and grief. You can find me on my website, griefandguts.com, right? And I just love your feedback, love knowing how I can support and love just chatting about, you know, the work that we all do in this world. And for me, it's the one on one coaching with that depth and it's that width of the move coaching and helping people in their personal lives and their professional lives. And I'm so committed to helping people level up and appreciate the different ways I connect with other, each, each of you and support you in doing so too. Whatever that looks like. Whatever that means. So let me know what you think. Thank you for helping me shine Layden's light. Because as her mother, as all these lessons I've learned from her, of all these wish I knews, I discovered from Laden, there is truly nothing that means more to me than having the space to take all this wisdom she brought brought and put it out in this world. So thank you for helping me do so. And if you're inspired or have a moment to rate a review that's going to help us spread this work further, which is my goal to do that all through 2020. So all together, let's just like link arms and embrace 2020, right? With open hearts, with an understanding of what's possible and a commitment to feel our very best. We'll talk soon.