50: Say NO in 2020

Hello, friends, and welcome to Grief Guts and Green Smoothies. I am your host, Melissa Dugalecki, and I am so excited to be here with you all to chat about ways in which we can all get through different adversities, challenges and loss and how getting outside of our comfort zone and maybe having a green smoothie or two can help us do so. We will cover different topics, ranging from interviews to recipes, to sharing my own stories of my grief journey and the loss of my daughter, Layden. And I'm honored to be able to share her light in hopes of helping you spread yours. Now, let's dive in. All right, everybody, we are opening up the new year, the new decade, examining and understanding the selflessness of saying no. And I know this is a really different concept. If you have ever struggled with saying no or felt guilty about it or found yourself canceling last minute or doing all the things and feeling overwhelmed, this episode is absolutely for you. I'm going to teach you how saying no is actually selfless. How it can strengthen relationships and how you can do it in a way that's going to fuel your growth and the growth of those around you. Let's dive in. All right. I'm going to be totally honest. Saying no was not something that was easy for me. It didn't come naturally. In fact, I was a chronic people pleaser, right? I was like four year class president, captain of my teams, volunteer at ccd, work at the coffee shop, Cheryl, babysit your kids. Like, I found a lot of my own worthiness in doing all the things. And I feared that if I stopped doing all the things or stopped saying yes to everything, that I wouldn't be successful, that I wouldn't be loved, that I wouldn't have friendships or connections. And I'm going to dive into that in a whole other episode, right? How to break away from that mentality because it's life changing. But in this episode specifically, I really want to teach you the depths of saying no. And there's a few things to it. So it's understanding the selflessness of saying no, the importance of saying no. It's understanding how to detangle, right? To untangle the surface level, ask of the offer, the invitation of whatever is being asked, and the energy underneath it, the energy underneath the surface level. And then it's knowing how to say so responsibly. So three parts we're going to dive into. But I want to really challenge you to think about the irresponsibility of not saying no. And I know this is a different way of thinking about it and it might be a little bit uncomfortable and you're thinking, like, I'm not irresponsible for saying no. Like, I'm not finger pointing. You all know that. Not finger pointing. I'm just challenging you, right, to hold up that mirror and say, like, could my habitual over yes saying actually be irresponsible? Could me saying no actually strengthen some relationships? So, you know, I never said no. It was Layden who taught me how to say no in my grief journey. And really in her illness, I had to get clear on, like, what I could say yes to. Because to create all that space for Laden and her care, I had to free up a lot of space by saying no to a lot of things. So think of this concept of when you say no to something, you're creating space for something else. And there's so many levels of this, right? In entrepreneur coaching and my own entrepreneur journey, I have to teach people, you've got to say no to some really obvious safe feeling offers. You've got to say no to some clients. Maybe you've got to say no to teaching classes. I had to say no and leave money on the table in order to just hold space and trust to say yes for other things to grow. So think of that concept. When we start saying no, what are we opening up space for now? What happened for me chronically saying yes? Well, I had mono multiple times, right? I was always exhausted. I would cancel last minute. There's dramas that are definitely unnecessary. And so when I look at that, how is that actually responsible? It was really more about me and my needs to please everybody and for them to be happy with me. But was it fair for me to ask other people to accommodate me being sick, to ask other people to deal with things because I was burned out? Was it responsible of me to dump my emotional needs on them because I wasn't meeting them myself? Was it responsible of me to not have boundaries and pour things onto their laps and ask for their help and ask for them to fix whatever my issues were because I wasn't taking responsibility myself. And I'm going to say no. That wasn't responsible of me. But we do the best we can and we learn. And so today, together, we're really going to learn more about saying no. All right, we are talking all things. Saying no and saying no is considered a power move, right? It's allowing ourselves to really assess what serves us well and what doesn't. So a couple of things to help do that, because it can be really uncomfortable at first, saying no is something that we don't naturally tend to do. We want to please people. We don't want to miss out on opportunities. We can have that FOMO kick in, we can have guilt kick in. But if we think about those things, right, fomo, that's comparison, that's fear. Literally fear missing out, comparison, lack. It's a scarcity mindset. So we know rationally that we've got to operate from a place of high vibes. So in order to become more clear on things, we're going to say no to. You're going to complete a self assessment, really simple. Don't over complicate it. It's just going to be a sheet where you're going to write down three things that are toxic and three things that contribute positively to your growth. So professionally, like, what are three things that are toxic and three things that contribute positively. So an example of this could be something that could contribute positively. Could be your work ethic. Something could be a relationship you have with a colleague or a supervisor. Something that's draining. Could be comparing or procrastinating or never saying no. Or maybe something gets in the way in terms of avoidance or alcohol or food or working out or your relationship, your personal relationship, maybe that impacts you professionally. So just really thinking what comes up to mind and you're going to just complete this for all these. Now you can do it in your own notebook, your journal, but really looking at what trends pop up now, it's really likely that there will be trends of certain things reoccurring over and over. That's where we want to start to focus on saying no, right? And letting those things go or replacing it, right? Using that reach higher to replace it with something different. Step three, the move method, the reach higher version of Bibles and understanding energy, all sorts of tools to do it. Now, when we talk about saying no, it's not just saying, you know, it's very responsible to say no to things that don't serve us well and to things that we're committing to. It's actually not responsible to say no in certain ways, right? That's when we become, you know, unreliable, maybe even inconsiderate. Saying no isn't inconsiderate or unreliable. In fact, saying no can contribute to you being considerate and reliable. But there is a way to do it. Now, if somebody is constantly saying, no, I'm burned out. No, I'm burned out. No, I'm burned out. Actually, that person's responsibility to look at. Why are you chronically Burned out, right? Because that's really the issue now. If it's the occasional like, I'm really burned out, I need a day, that's awesome, right? That's going to build your capacity to give more. If someone's constantly saying no last minute, that's not responsible because that is fueling a sense of being unreliable, right? So when you say yes, somebody might be like, well, do they really mean yes? Are they going to bail last minute? Because they chronically bail last minute. So this isn't the idea of just walking around saying no to everyone and everything. It doesn't mean saying no. Last minute doesn't mean saying no and being like, fuck you figure it out. Right? This means understanding how to actually say no. And when we can understand that, it's so powerful. Now there are some strategies specifically that I want you to implement and to utilize when you're practicing saying no. And it first begins with awareness, of course, like, what are the things that serve us well and what are the things that don't serve us well? So that's using the self assessment tool. It's using, you know, the wheel alignment, like what aligns, it's looking at what we're manifesting. It's looking at the four step growth mindset method to understand what's serving us well and what's not. When we're clear on what doesn't serve us well, then we can say no. And for many of us, for so many of us, it's being okay with letting the other person down or disappointing the other person. And that's where a boundary does come into play. Because we have to remember we can only do the best we can. We can't be everything for everyone. We have to take care of our own energy. And we're actually not responsible for anyone else's energy. Now it's also reasonable that if we're chronically saying no to somebody because what they're offering doesn't serve us well, or we can't do that, you know, they might not consider us as close, right? They might form other close relationships and that's okay because of it's not serving us well. They deserve to be in a relationship that serves them well. So saying no is actually can be really selfless. Sometimes we think it's selfish, but in my opinion, if us saying no allows somebody else to experience something with somebody who is fully in and we're not fully in, whether it's a simple afternoon, going out to lunch and we don't really want to, or actually being in a Relationship, Right. Like saying no to a relationship that we're like somewhat happy in, but not totally in. That person deserves to go to lunch with somebody who's fully in, who's like excited to go to lunch with them. That person also deserves to be in a relationship with somebody who's all in, who really wants to be in that relationship. So I challenge you to really think about the responsibility of saying no. The selflessness of saying no. Right. And the ways that it can actually fuel growth and it can improve how you're perceived as dependable and reliable. So all these things that stop us from saying no, we don't want to be seen as undependable, unreliable, we don't want to be seen as mean, we don't want to be seen as selfish. If you are saying no correctly, it's the opposite of all those things. So the art of saying no is something really important and that's what we're going to dive into here. So what you do want to do, we're going to go through do's and don'ts of saying no. So do you want to be very clear in expressing it? Meaning we don't want to be wishy washy, so we don't want to be evasive, like, oh, maybe I'll see if I can. I'll do my best. We want to be really clear because that's not fair to that person. It's like we're avoiding our own discomfort of saying no rather than actually considering the other person's needs to just no right to like to be clear on whether or not we're going to be able to meet their request or attend their invitation or accept their offer. So we're clear and expressing. So we avoid the evasiveness of maybe we'll see. We just let them know, I am going to be able to do that. I'm not going to be able to do that now. If you actually don't know, then it's, I'm not sure this is when I'll let you know or I will know by then. Is that okay? Being really clear about what they can expect. Relationships are just so much about clear expectations, respectful communication, and we complicate it so much by not doing those things. So let's uncomplicate it and then have a lot less stress in our lives, shall we? Another do for saying no is communicate in advance. You don't want to wait until the last minute. So this happens all the time as we say yes to things that no, we can't really do. We know we don't have the time or we don't think we really want to do it and then last minute we blow it up. Like we create some drama or we cancel last minute or we make something up, we're dishonest and now it actually becomes a distraction. Like how many times is just like the person not being able to come last minute creates more drama or chaos or a distraction because now the energy is being tended to that drama and chaos rather than maybe the event or what's going on. So you know, we want to take responsibility and have the ability to see what we have the capacity for and communicate that when we are chronically now, of course shit hits the fan, life happens, we get flat tires, people get sick, whatever. Yes. But if habitually, chronically we are canceling last minute, then it's time for us to start to take more responsibility and be able to say no in advance and be more aware of our needs so we can be a more dependable relationship relationship for that person. So do ask for a rain check if it's applicable or if it's aligned. Now don't dismiss the other person's consideration. So I'm going to hit a couple things here. We also do want to thank the person for their invitation. We don't want to apologize or over explain. So you know, I, we have scripts that I like to coach and teach around saying no. I'll get into that a little bit here. But you know, we don't want to dismiss the person's consideration even if we absolutely don't want to do something. It was so considerate of them to offer. Just because they offer doesn't mean we have to go. Right? We don't have to say yes to every invite. Not every RSVP we send back has to be yes. It's allowed to be no. We have that right. We have that privilege right. We are worthy of that. So we do not want to dismiss the person. We want to at least acknowledge like thank you so much for the offer. That's it. We don't need to like, it doesn't have to be a long thing. Sometimes we over complicate. Just thank you so much. Thanks for the invite. I really appreciate your consideration. It's really thoughtful of you. And then possibly if they're asking for you to attend something that you can't go to now, what are they really seeking? They're really looking maybe for connection, support, love, so you can achieve those things in a different way. So instead of saying well, the only way I can Achieve it is by attending this one event or this one party. If you can't go to it, what other way can you achieve that? So, hey, you know, I thank you so much for the thoughtful offer. I really appreciate it. I'm not going to be able to attend, but I would love to connect, you know, another time. Would you like to do X, right? Would you like to get a coffee? Would you like to go get dinner? Would you like to go for a run? Would you like to whatever, go to a concert? I don't know, whatever it might be. But I want you to start looking at what's the energy underneath the invitation. Are they looking for connection? Are they looking for support? If they're doing a fundraiser, are there different ways you can contribute, right? Can you donate your time? Can you donate a service? Can you donate to their charity? Can you help spread the word? Can you raise awareness on social media that'll cost you nothing and just help them with that charity? And this is when that pops up. Because I know a lot of people attached to the Boston Marathon and come March and April, it can be like fundraiser after fundraiser after fundraiser and we can't attend them all, maybe can't donate to them all. So what other ways can you contribute? Look at what's the energy underneath. The energy underneath is support, right? It's. It's validation of what they're doing, of their endeavor. So how can you support and how can you validate that in a way that doesn't require you to go to an event you maybe can't afford to go to, or you don't have time to go to, right? You can't afford it time wise, financial wise, and that's okay. But you can still reach that root. And sometimes you can actually strengthen relationships when you do that, when you pay more attention to the energy underneath it than the noise above it. I'll say that again because I think it's really important. You can actually strengthen relationships when you respect yourself enough to say no and when you're able to identify the energy underneath the surface level ask. The surface level ask is one layer. That's what you're saying no to. You don't have to say no to the energy underneath it. You can, but you don't have to. And if you can tease those two things out, saying no can become a lot less scary. And it can actually be a place where you build your relationship. So definitely thanking the person for the invitation or offer is a do. Apologizing or over explaining is a big, big. Now if you're really sorry you can't make it. Yes, of course. Saying I apologize, I can't attend. I really wish I could be there, but if it becomes a. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry I've got to bring the kids here and I've got to drop off there and I've got to get this done for work and I have this deadline, like now you're making it about you, right? You're making it about you. You don't need to over explain. You actually don't owe anyone that. And you also don't need to make it all about you. And you don't have to apologize if you're not sorry. In fact, I challenge you to have enough integrity with your word that you don't apologize unless you're actually sorry. Right? And you know, and being really specific about what you're sorry for, like, I'm sorry I won't be able to support in that way. Right. Or I'm sorry I won't be able to do that. But you know, we don't want to be insincere with our word, right? That agreement, right? The four agreements be impeccable with your word. Too often people think being impeccable with your word is not just lying. I did an entire podcast on this, right, Called Stop Lying. It's not just about not lying. It's about the level of integrity behind your word. So if we're over apologizing, we're apologizing when we don't mean it, or apologizing for things we're not sorry for. We're compromising the integrity of our world. Okay? So you can share honestly while maintaining appropriate boundaries. It doesn't mean you just shell up and you say no, right? So you want to share honestly while maintaining appropriate boundaries. So you could say, like, you know, I have a conflict, I have this or that I made another commitment. Your boundary. I also did an entire podcast episode on boundaries. Your boundary is going to depend on the person, and that's a judgment. So what do they need to know? Sometimes if you're in a close relationship with someone, sharing a little bit more is going to be important so they understand. Sometimes it's going to be really important that you maintain a boundary. And like, that person knows they don't need to know. You don't need to have up like that AI moa message, instant messenger, I'm dating myself, but like that away message, letting everyone know what you're doing at all times. We don't need to do that. You can maintain an appropriate boundary of like, I'm not going to be able to make it. And I intentionally just paused there because that's all you need to do. And then let the other person speak. Okay? We don't want to make excuses or lie for not attending. So we do not want to make an excuse or lie like, oh, got a flat tire if we didn't really get a flat tire. Or, oh, my mom really needs me to do something, or my boss is making me stay late. No. Do you see how that's just putting ownership on everybody else but ourselves? We don't want to do that. If we are truly taking personal responsibility, we're able to say like, I can't make it. I have something I need to do for work. It's not. My boss is making me. Because technically your boss can't make you do anything. You're choosing to do what you need to do for work because that's important to you, because that's a priority for you. Own it. It's okay. You're allowed to have priorities. Okay? We also don't want to lie. We don't want to lie. That happens a lot. We say yes to something that we want to say no to. And then we wait. We wait. How are we going to get out of it? And then last minute, all of a sudden, there's like some big lie or just, you know, something's happened or whatever it is. No, we just created drama and chaos and distraction. We don't want to do that. That puts a wedge in our relationship with that person. So no making excuses, no lying. Share honestly while maintaining appropriate boundaries. Express your goal and get them together another time. If that's true, if you're able to assess the energy underneath the surface level, really, this is a huge concept in saying no. Assessing the energy underneath the. Ask over the surface level. Ask. And if you want to hit that underneath the surface energy another time, another way that works for you, express your goal in doing that. Do not say you're going to find another time if you don't intend to. Again, personal responsibility, integrity of your energy being impeccable with your word. Don't just throw it out there like, oh, yeah, we'll find another time. Great. If you don't have intention of doing that, don't do it. Don't change your mind based on the other person's reaction. Right. Because that's making a decision out of guilt or fear or worry. And those are those low vibes. Right? We can't grow in low vibes. Relationships can't grow in low vibes. This could be, using that example from earlier, something as simple as going out to lunch with somebody if they're disappointed and really upset. If you were clear in why you were saying no, you're doing it from a place of love for yourself and you're communicating honestly to them. You cannot take responsibility for their reaction. You can acknowledge it, you can honor it, but you need to take responsibility for your energy. This is a theme here. I'm challenging you to take responsibility by not lying, not making excuses. I'm also challenging you to take responsibility by not owning the other person's energy, just owning yours. They're allowed to be disappointed and it's okay. You might have to sit in the discomfort of somebody being disappointed. But if you're clear and that's what you need, then you've got to be okay with their disappointment and they've got to be okay with their disappointment. And we all move on, right? We're adults, we're responsible for our own energy and we make decisions based on that. Now, your relationships, if you're chronically disappointing somebody, you might want to reestablish expectations. You might want to become really clear on what the expectations are between you. It's the same thing on that higher scale with a relationship. If you're in a friendship or a romantic relationship with someone and you're really clear that it's not serving you and that you're only half in it and they deserve to be with someone else, well, expect that they might be disappointed, but don't change your decision to leave the relationship because they're disappointed. Right? Or to create a boundary that's enabling, that's not going to serve you well. That's, that's playing small. That's keeping you stuck, and that's keeping the other person stuck. Allow them the opportunity to work through their own disappointment so that they can grow and that they can be in a relationship that fully serves them right. Because if they're expecting you to be responsible for their happiness, I gotta be honest, they've got a lot of their own personal development work to do. Now, you can send them over here, we'll get working on that. But if they expect you to be fully responsible for their happiness, that's a dependency, okay? That's not really a growth fueled relationship. That's a dependency. And if it's a dependency, they've got to do the work. So you can't stay in that relationship because they're disappointed. So do not change your mind based on the Other person's reactions. That's going to require a level of detaching from the reaction. Now detaching from the reaction doesn't mean you don't care about it. You can care about it, but you're not going to get immersed in it, suffocated in it, lost in it, or change your mind by it. I do want you to take responsibility, right? I want you to take responsibility for what your needs are, how you feel, what you want, why you can't attend something, what you want in a relationship. Whatever you're saying no to, take responsibility for it. It's fine without beating yourself up. There's nothing wrong with saying no. And don't offer excuses hoping the other person tells you not to worry about it. I don't want you to then say like, well, it's this, this, this, this, that, that person that reason this is what's going on and you're filling your need for the other person to say, oh, don't worry about it. That's not their job. You need to learn to not worry about it. You need to learn to take responsibility for your own action. Do not go finger pointing, offering excuses. So you know there are different ways that you can do it. It's when you learn to say no, it's really empowering. Also important to think about. It's possible the other person is going to find relief in you saying no. Let's use the different level examples. If it's as simple as lunch, maybe that person has a really busy day too. Have you ever had somebody cancel on you and you're like, yes, right? You might be doing that for someone else. So live your truth, right? Speak your truth and then just trust it's going to work out the way it's meant to. How many times is like somebody canceled and you're like, thank you, universe? Well, I think that stuff just happens when people are living their truths, right, and things are aligning, energy's flowing, right? Energy can't flow when we're coming from low vibes. Low vibes meaning guilt, right? Shame, fear. Higher level example. If you're in a relationship that isn't serving you well and you're not fully invested in that other person might find relief, right? How many times have like you've been with in a relationship or seen a relationship or in a friendship where like, they're not saying that they don't want to be in it, they're just doing all the things, hoping you pick up on it. Now again, they've got to own their Energy more responsibly for themselves and for you. But if you, if you acknowledge it and you're like, this isn't serving us well, they might find relief too. Remember, when saying no, you are worthy of protecting your time, your thoughts and your space. Right? You are worthy of protecting your time, your thoughts or space. When we are saying no, oftentimes we lose sight of the goal. What's being asked again? So this is where I want you to look at what's underneath the surface level. I want you to tease out what's the surface level. Ask what's the beneath the surface level energy. When we learn to say no to things. And this was actually huge for me. I didn't learn to say no until after laden full disclosure. I didn't learn how to say no. I was chronically saying yes. And it wasn't until I was in the depths of my own grief journey that I had to say no, right? Or I wasn't going to move forward. Like I wasn't going to survive, I wasn't going to grow. I was just going to stay so stuck. I was so depleted. When we become clear and learn to say no to things that don't serve us in a really productive way, it's very empowering, right? And it reaffirms our own worth and it reaffirms the worthiness of other people, right? For them to have clear expectations, for them to have honest communication, for them to have us not going through the motions and checking it off the list. But when we show up, we are there. Like we show up, we are present. And it's also a gift, right, for that person to really spend their time and energy and thoughts with people who like really want to be there. Okay? So saying no can be really challenging. So a little bit of an outline for you. I want to leave you with a little bit of an outline on saying no. So I want you to say no in advance. I want you to thank them if you're grateful for the invitation or the offer, directly state that you cannot attend, right? Not being like wishy washy, offer an alternative plan if appropriate, like if you want to or just wish them the best and whatever it may be. So things you don't want to do are the, yeah, I'm going to do my best. I've got to take the dogs out, meet with my in laws, run 97 errands, feed the homeless, pause, pause, pause. Hoping they let you off the hook. They don't let you off the hook. And so, oh yeah, so don't worry, I'll be there. We don't want to do that. Right. Or any variation of that. We also don't want it to become a distraction of, you know, I know I said I'd be there. I can't make it. I'm sorry. It's the last minute. Please don't be mad. I'm really sorry. Are you mad at me? It's not me, it's my boyfriend. You know, he doesn't want to be there. He's uncomfortable, and I really want to be there. I am so sorry. Promise to tell me everything about it, okay? Don't be mad. Don't be upset, like, blah. No, stop. No, that's not how we want to say no. We're creating more drama. We're creating chaos. And we're actually making all about us. And we're finger pointing and blaming the boyfriend. Let's not do that. Another one is being dishonest. We want to avoid being dishonest. So. Sorry, I can't make it. I was going to, but I got eight flat tires and there's a road closure. Okay, don't worry about me. I'm gonna be okay. Just focus on what you got to do. Right. Like now we're like, we're creating a distraction again and we're lying. We don't want to do these things and it's very common to do them. So be able to have an honest conversation with yourself, like, am I doing these things? Call yourself out. It's okay. What can we do better? And so some alternatives. Thank you so much for the offer. I have a conflict. Can I contribute or support in a different way? If possible, I'd love to send something along. I'm really proud of you. Or thank you so much for the thoughtful offer. I'm not going to be able to attend. I'm not going to be able to make it. Lunch doesn't work that day. I'd love to catch up and connect with you if you're up for it. Let's find time for whatever else it may be. I hope it goes well. I'll be thinking of you. It could be something as simple as a favor, like, can you do this? And being able to say, I'd love to support you. I'd love to help you. I'm not going to be able to. I've got, you know, other things that I'm committed to or that, you know, are going on already. But if there are, you know, ways I can help you down the road, let me know or keep me in mind or I hope that you get it figured out. So there are so many ways to say no. Every single day. We're being asked to say yes, and we're being asked to say no every single day. Now, we can say it in different ways by avoiding. We can say it by lying, we can say it by finger pointing, or we can choose to say it with direct communication, with clarity, with love, without compromising the integrity of our word, of our energy, and with really valuing and honoring the other person's needs, wants, and their worthiness as well. So start to shift the way we think about saying no. It is not selfish. It is not irresponsible. It is selfless if it's done the right way. It is responsible if it's done the right way. So I really challenge you to step into your power and to see where you can begin to say no and actually strengthen your relationships and strengthen your own sense of worthiness when you do. It is life changing. So I want to acknowledge saying no isn't easy. It's uncomfortable. But it's so powerful, right? When we grow, we get uncomfortable. It's outside of our comfort zone. So I really want you entering this new year and entering this decade, not just thinking about more, more, more, more. Yes, yes, yes. I want you to think about what you can say no to, to hold space for what's possible and to believe in your worthiness of doing so and believe in other people's worthiness of having space to open for them and to just enter this whole new year with a higher level of personal responsibility, with a higher level of integrity of your word, and with a higher level of clarity of what serves you and what doesn't, and of knowing your worthiness to choose accordingly. Thank you all so much for allowing these lessons that I've learned from Layden to be ones that I can share. Share. As you know, that is why I am here, shining my daughter Layden's light in all that she taught by honoring her life, her loss, her fight, her legacy. So thank you for allowing me to do that and for helping spread the word. If this resonates with you, if it's helpful, please let me know. I always want to be offering content of value, so shoot me a message on Instagram. You can rate review on Spotify, on itunes. That's going to help help us spread this work even further. And as you know, nothing means more to me than allowing my daughter Laden's light to shine.