52: How Loss and Trauma Aligned The Unaligned

Hello, friends, and welcome to Grief Guts and Green Smoothies. I am your host, Melissa Dugalecki, and I am so excited to be here with you all to chat about ways in which we can all get through different adversities, challenges, and loss. And how getting outside of our comfort zone and maybe having a green smoothie or two can help us do so. We will cover different topics, ranging from interviews to recipes, to sharing my own stories of my grief journey and the loss of my daughter, Layden. And I'm honored to be able to share her light in hopes of helping you spread yours. Now let's dive in. Hey, everybody.

Welcome back.

I am so excited for our guest on today's podcast. Actually, the first time other than Mooch, I've had the opportunity to interview in my home office in hq. And I'm bringing on someone really special who's got a great story, really well known in the Boston fitness community and beyond. She's got her own story with grief, and I think, you know, through this podcast, we learn how many of us really do. And she's done so much, you know, through her pain, her struggles, her vulnerability. Angela Gentile, who is the founder of Sweat Remix and a fanny pack extraordinaire. I'm so glad to bring her onto the podcast. Angela, welcome.

Hi. Yeah, I love that, the little fanny pack plug in there. I know, that's true. They never left. I never stopped wearing them because they're just so convenient. Because I talk with my hands. I don't have time for a purse.

I got. Literally, you and my dad are the two people who say they never left. Yeah.

No way.

He's gonna be really happy.

Does he have a leather one?

Probably.

Can I. Oh, my God. Can I give your dad a branded sweat remix that he'll wear?

Yes, he will.

That's on the list. I'll order that. Well, thank you for having me.

Yeah. Thank you so much.

I don't wanna say that I'm excited to talk about grief. Cause it's such a heavy topic, but I love that we are having this conversation. I think it's so necessary. And it's the only thing that's guaranteed in our life and we don't talk about it. And if it hasn't happened to you, it's coming, right? In some capacity. It's coming. Yeah.

And, yeah. And I think, you know, it's one of those things that we fear. And the more we kind of walk around it and dance around it, the more power it has.

Right.

So we kind of just like we strap on our. Like, we referenced Brene Brown earlier when you and I were talking. Like, we strap on here, like, our boots, and we go into the swamp, which is something Brene talks about, you know, like, being able to do. So. Welcome to the swamp place. Swamp. Let's go.

I don't even have boots on. I'm, like, naked, like, flailing around in the swamp.

All right, Angela, every guest that comes on, I ask two very important questions. Yes. All right. When you hear grief guts and green smoothies, like, what does that mean to you? What pops to your mind?

Wellness, health, and I think a holistic approach of handling grief, because it isn't this linear process, like, the stages where you just, like, reach the end, and you're like, oh, I can exhale now. It's over. It is a continual process that lives in your body. So I think it's just a holistic way to kind of reevaluate and take care of your spirit and your body.

I love that imagery of, like, living in your body. Like, it does. Like, you can feel it, you know.

And then whoever has passed or whatever, you're like, I feel that.

Yeah.

I feel the presence. I've had many instances that has rocked me where I might sound crazy, but I don't care. But he was there.

Yeah.

You know?

Oh, I believe it. Yeah.

So it's in your energy. It's in your energy space and in your body.

I love that. And then on a lighter note, what is your favorite taco?

Soft taco? Avocado, fish tacos?

Just any soft taco. Do you have a place you go to or homemade?

I mean, I can cook, but I would much rather an El Palon.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah. If you haven't had El Palon in the Fenway.

Yeah.

You can, like, test yourself and say, I'm only gonna have half now. No, you're not gonna have. You're gonna have the whole thing in one sitting and just, like, sits like a glorious brick in your stomach. It's beautiful. So, yeah, that's my. I even have, like, 17 different punch cards, because I always forget. I probably have four as many. Probably 17 different free, like, soft tacos or whatever I get for free that I just haven't all collected. I go there so much.

I love alone plug. So great. All right, so, Angela, thanks for being here. And, you know, I'd love for you to just share about your story, you know, your loss, what you do now, and just, you know, there's so much to how everything's, like, entangled. Right. And it belongs to one another. And what you were saying was what I've gone through has allowed me to do what I do now. And the work you do now is so powerful.

Thank you. Yeah. I think talking about the loss of my father, which was a very sudden, quick phone call, that where my life changed. I think it's important to kind of get the backstory about how I was living and what was happening and the way that life was like, telling me that I needed to change and I needed to shift things in my life. And I. What can I swear?

Yeah.

You wasn't fucking listening. I wasn't listening. And I just think your life and the energy that you put out is trying to align you and especially when you're connected within yourself, like, it's trying to align you on a different path. And I wasn't listening. And I think something major had to happen in my life for me to get the message because I wasn't paying attention.

I totally agree, you know, but yeah.

So I think it's important for me to just sort of back up and talk about where I was prior. Cause I do think at this point my life is like a divided. There's a division, a hard division in my life of like both pre and post death 100. Like, I am what I value is different. How I move in the world, how I show up, what I believe in. My level of empathy has, like expanded my bandwidth for pain, you know, So I think how I was living. So my father passed away suddenly from an aneurysm four years ago. And I'll tell you the story about that, but I think it's important. I was teaching. I was a high school teacher and I hated it. I hated my life. I hated who I was. Like, it sounds so negative and like, to look back on, like, why. Why did I put up with that for so long? But I was teaching high school miserably. I was like, in a job that wasn't free.

What subject were you teaching? English.

Yeah, I taught like, shout out to my kids because they probably will listen to this. They're super dope. It was never the kids as like, I'll just go out on a limb. Like, I was not. I was a great teacher in a lot of ways. And I was also like a very misaligned. I was just trying to like, handle my own life. I was like, 24.

Yeah.

What? Like, who put me in charge of seniors and 18 year olds at 24? Like, not a good time. So, yeah, I was in this job where I hate to use the Word stuck. But I really felt like I was stuck. I wasn't excited, I wasn't moving. I wasn't evolving. And I just felt like who I was and what my personality was was very stifled. And I kept like fighting against a system that wasn't meant for me to be in in the first place. So I think the more that I got away from who I was and I tried to conform, to fit, and to be accepted, the more miserable I was.

Yeah.

I didn't know that that's what was happening at the time. I thought it was me. I thought it was crazy.

I totally understand. I don't know if you know my background's education.

Yeah.

10 years. Yeah.

We decided this high school education.

And you know, in hindsight, like, I was. I was actually high school language.

Okay.

I did like language based disabilities and learning disabilities. I wrote curriculum. A lot of English stuff.

Yep.

And then I was an athletic administrator. So never the kids. Never love the kids. We'll just say that. But, you know, other stuff clouds that. But I found myself wondering, like, I was very unaligned, but at the same time, like, well, this is my dream job. This is what I wanted to do. And it's like untangling that. Know we're getting more into alignment, but I think it's really common. You went through it. I went through it. I coach so many people around, like, career shifts because they go into something and they don't realize that it doesn't align with what they actually want. Then they're, you know, right there.

And here we are. Here we are. Here we are.

So you were feeling unaligned.

Yeah. But I think just to kind of speak on that for a second, I.

Look back, I'm one of the very.

First people in my family to go to college. I'm the only one in my family. Yeah, word. And the only one in my family with a graduate degree. So.

Yeah.

So I look back onto where I was in high school in the mid-90s, like early to mid-90s. You can't be what you can't see. And I didn't know. I grew up in kind of like a small little area. Like, people, like, did trade jobs and they were nurses and teachers. And I'm looking around and I'm like, yo, I wanted to go to law school. Where's the female lawyer? I didn't see her. I didn't know. So, like, I couldn't. I couldn't even wrap my head around what steps I had to take. So I'm looking around and I'M like, well, teacher. Yeah, I could do that.

Yep.

You know, and then you kind of like breathe into the hype and buy into the hype of like, well, you're gonna be a mom one day.

And like.

And I'm like, oh, I guess I want that. So I'm just like being spoon fed shit that like, wasn't mine, you know? So fast forward like 12 years later and I'm in this career that I am. So I love the kids. And I loved, like, inspiring. I loved teaching, but I didn't love the system. So the more that I fit myself into a system that wasn't for me, a lot of symptoms.

Mm.

Started showing up. I was angry.

Yeah.

And if any student is listening to this right now, I am so sorry. Like, really. Like, I look back on it, I was like, that wasn't cool. But I. It was a symptom. It wasn't meant to criticize or to be directed at anybody. It was just a reflection of all of this mess and noise that was going on inside of me. So I was like, super reactionary.

Open your book.

Like, why aren't you listening? And like, I would, I would like blow up. Because I wasn't calm within me. I was, I was very shaken by so many things outside. Like my validation, my self worth was very much connected with things outside of my control. So anytime that something went wrong, I was wrong.

Right.

Right. So I had no ownership of like, I'm good no matter what.

Yeah.

You know, I didn't, I didn't like that.

Unconditional. Yeah. Sense of worth. Yep.

Yep. So anyt that, like, the test scores were low, it was a reflection of me. Like, I suck.

Yeah.

Nope. Test scores were low and I'm fucking dope. Like, I didn't, I didn't have that ability to say that. So I was really reactionary. And I got to a point where I was almost fired. I was, I had like a breaking point because I think you can only take so much, like being told that you're wrong and that, don't do this, don't do this, don't do this. Tone it down. Tone it down. I'm big. I'm a big personality. And I spent a really long time, like, trying to shrink myself in order to fit in. And I just had a breaking point where I was like, fuck this. And I walked down to the office. I was like, I'm out. I can't do this anymore. And I literally left midday. Midday, like third period. I was like, peace.

Your students are like, the kids Are.

Like, is she okay? Like, she went crazy. I was like, yeah, I kind of did. I just broke. And then it was like, she's unfit to be in the classroom.

And I think, oh, yeah, right.

But, like, I kind of. Yeah, I kind of wasn't.

Like, all the symptoms are showing, like. And that's the thing is, like, even if you weren't. This is why I always think every party has its own perspective. Right. Because even if, like, you were. Your heart was in the right place, but you were fully, you know, you weren't aligned. The symptoms that were coming out the school also, you know, has to be able to say, like, yeah, this isn't the right fit, because alignment's a mutual thing. Totally. Right. And sometimes, if you want to be able to both have the foresight to call it out in advance, that usually doesn't happen.

Or, how do we do this? I think what I've learned is, like, how to have better conversations.

Yes.

Yeah. But that wasn't.

We build our tools.

Yeah. We know public education, like, the emotional intelligence, the ability to have a podcast.

So.

Yeah. And I kind of took inventory on that. So I'm sitting on my administrative leave, like, and this is something I had to grieve.

This is the flow.

First taste of grief, the life that I had planned. I'm 31, maybe at the time. 32.

Yep.

Yeah, something like that. And I'm, like, here. I've spent all. I have graduate degrees, plural. And I. And I have all this, like, experience, and I'm, like, pushing into this life of what I thought I was going to be. And I'm. I'm following out a dream that someone else kind of implanted in my head, and I'm, like, now grieving this loss of what I thought I wanted, and I have to grieve the perception that is showing up for me of I'm crazy. Yeah, I'm crazy.

Right.

And when your reputation and your ability and your humanness is questioned, you have to start to learn how to be real, rock fucking solid, because there shouldn't be any. Say what you want about me. I know I'm good. So I had to have, like, a real deep conversation about, like, okay, I messed up. That was a bad choice. And I'm awesome.

Yeah.

Like, I screwed up. And, like, I'm good.

A decision, a behavior, it doesn't define who we are as a person. Yeah. And the other thing. And, you know, I have, you know, when you're in, especially, I think, the field of public education, especially high school. Right.

Yeah.

You are, you know, way more, you know, scrutinized or in the public eye. Yeah, exactly. Yet people are trying to assign stories. But that's just it. I mean, I had more people assign stories to me that made them feel good and safe in their world.

That's exactly what happened.

Right. Like, oh, well, this young female can't possibly have earned this role. This must be the story. Or this happened and this must be the story. And I think for me, you know, and I'm. You are sharing the same lesson you learn. But this is a lesson I want other people to learn from us. Like, when people are assigning stories to you, it's not about you. Right. Because anybody with true courage and strength and who's fully whole, they actually don't go around assigning stories to other people. Right. Like, you're focused on yourself, but you are. The stories that you sign are supportive or they're open minded, or we don't know where. I hope that person is okay. Like, gosh, that girl just left in the middle of the day. Like, I hope she has support.

Totally.

Cause something must be going on.

And I think, I think when you get to that point, like, I'm able to approach situations from a very empathetic, like my bandwidth for empathy. I like, hug people in the street. I'm like, hey, are you all right? Because I feel that I lived it. And it's a really lonely place when you're unsupported. So that was like kind of the first transitional point. And I remember like sitting at home and I was like, what is going on? Like, I'm not okay. And I think this is the very first time that I'm like checking in and I'm like, I think I'm gonna go on medication.

Yeah.

So I went to my doctor and I started, but I didn't know really what my symptoms were. But I just kind of told him about the incident and then was prescribed something because I didn't have the awareness, the level of self awareness to really explain what was happening to me. So I was on a medication. It was a mood stabilizer. And I was just trying to figure that out because I was like, rage is the problem. So we were treating the symptom.

Symptom, yes.

Not the problem. Right. So like, rage, she's bipolar, she's crazy. And I was like, I don't, I don't know if that's it. Like, I'm not really, I'm not an angry person. I'm really not, like. So I was like, okay, I Guess I'll trust this because I was desperate. I was so desperate. And I'm, like, clawing at anything to help make sense of how I felt.

Yeah.

Because I wasn't ready. And this is the point that I was trying to make. Life was showing up. I wasn't ready to do my work. I wasn't ready to have the conversation of, like, angela, who are you?

Yeah.

What do you want? What do you believe? What do you feel?

Yeah.

And I was still seeking, like, external things. I wasn't ready to be uncomfortable.

Yep. Yes. So often we seek change and we try to do it in a way that we don't feel it.

Yeah.

Right. And people do that in so many different ways. And that'll work.

Right. That'll sustain it.

Well, in so many ways. Like, emotionally, they don't want to get uncomfortable. They don't want to sit in the difficulty. They don't want to cry. They don't want to feel the pain. They don't want to feel the anger financially. Right. People want a huge change or transformation, but they don't want to invest in it. Or, you know, physically. People want a big change of their body, but they don't want to, like, put the work. You know what I mean? It's just like, in order to create transformation, you have to put that energy, and you got to put the work. And so you hear you were running around and, you know, leaving school, whatever it was easing out. You had all these symptoms. And I talk about this a lot, you know, those of you who have been listening to the POD for a while. Right. Like, symptoms versus root cause.

Yep.

And so you were looking at symptoms, symptoms, symptoms. And then it was after your dad, losing him, that you began to look at the root cause.

Yes. So that's what I'm saying. Like, there was all, like, I was treating symptoms, and everything around me was deciding that these were problems. But I think it wasn't until I really had to sit down with my dad and say, wait a second. These are just symptoms, because this is really, like, how I feel. So my father passed away about six months after. Like, I. Peace out. I was like, deuces and walked out. He had had a stroke, and I went to see him in the hospital and the doctors. So let me just say this. When you are ever in this situation, there is an advocate at a hospital who was there to help translate Dr. Lingo to you. Seek them out. I don't remember what they're called, but, like, I'm on WebMD trying to, like, decipher like, hieroglyphics, basically, so I can figure out how to. How to assert myself, how to give care.

Yes.

Because my dad is not just your bed number 36.

Yes.

He's my fucking dad.

Yeah.

You know, and I. I didn't. I didn't know what I didn't know.

Yeah. Right.

And I know that was very similar to your story. Like, you're like, I. I want to do more, but I don't know what to do.

Yep. Powerless.

100%.

Yep.

And I was like. I was kind of proud of myself. Like, I was. I was a bitch. No, I wasn't a bitch. I was assertive. I was very assertive. And, like, you know, the Doogie Howser resident would come in, and I was like, hold up. Who are you?

Nope.

Turn around. I want the doctor. And they're like, what? I was like, get the doctor.

This is my dad. This is.

We're not playing. You know? And there was a situation, like, he needed one procedure. They weren't sure, and they're like, but we think we're gonna go with this. And I was like, second opinion, third opinion. And my gut was telling me something else.

Yeah.

I was like, I don't like the answer you're giving me, but I'm exhausted.

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

I'm so tired. And you.

At that point, you almost don't even know. You can't trust yourself because your mind and your emotions and everything's going. And, like, I agree. You get, like, emotionally just fatigued and overwhelmed. Right. Like, you're processing these terms and these words you've never heard, and you're processing this emotion and this fear you've never experienced. So intellectually, you're an overload, and emotionally, you're an overload. And this takes a physical toll on your body. This is what people don't understand. I think a lot of times about trauma. And it's not just the loss. It's so many things that have an impact on us that lead up to it. Yeah.

100%. And, I don't know, like, you're smarter when you come out of that, if and when that ever happens again, like, oh, please. I'm ready.

I know.

Let's go.

Me too.

Like, I got the questions. I got, like, I want MRIs. I want the digital portion of it. I want you to show me. So. Yeah, so that was kind of. And I left the hospital being like, well, he'll be okay.

Yeah.

And he was discharged the next day. I went home. My father lives and lived out in Western Mass And I went home, went back to work, and I called him. Like, this is so weird. I remember sitting in my car and I was listening to Howard Stern, which I never listened to Howard Stern, like, ever. For some reason. I was like, flip, flip, flip, flip. And I got to the station on XM and Adam Sandler was on, and he was talking about the loss of his dad and how that changed him and how he maintains, like, a level of connection with his father and the way that he introduced it to his children. I wasn't even.

Yeah. On the radar. No, not at all.

But I was, like, intrigued, sitting in my car with it on, being like.

Oh, this is interesting.

And I called my dad and I was like, hey, dad, how you feeling? He's, like, discharged in the hospital. He's, like, not smoking anymore. He's getting a patch, you know, he's super proud. Going to get his pills. I was like, all right, dad. Well, I have to go. I gotta go teach classes. I love you. He's like, I love you too, honey. And that was the last time I talked to.

Oh, my God. I just. Total goosebumps. Yeah.

And I'm. I'm thankful that that was, like, the last thing I said to him.

Oh, my God.

You know, a little dig at, like, him being an old man. Yeah. So all of that, like, happening at once, like. So the next day, like, I go to work, sit at my desk, six period, study. It's around one o'. Clock. I had this overwhelming urge to play Chicago. Yeah, the band Chicago. That was my dad. I was like, I want to play it. And I was like, I gotta call my dad. And I played Chicago and I was like, I gotta call my dad. I gotta call my dad. And I couldn't because it's like, in the middle of the day. And I was like, I'll call him after. But something within me was like, something. I felt something. I was like, I gotta call him. My boss comes in, talking some bullshit, like, taking up my time. And I was like, I gotta call my dad. You know? And I didn't. I didn't call and I didn't call and I didn't call. Six o', clock, I was pumping gas and I got the phone call from my stepmother. It was a voicemail, and she was crying and she's like, angela, you have to come to the hospital now. And I fell down at the gas station. And I was like, my dad was dead. I knew it.

I knew it, felt it.

And it took me a while. And I was in shock, like, Even though my guttural response was, oh, my God, he's dead. I still couldn't even wrap my head around it. I was like, nah, he's fine. And, like, I was going to an event, and I was like. Had to get my hair done, my makeup done. And I was like, well, literally, I'm like, I could go. I could go to this event. He'll be fine. I could just see him tomorrow. Like, I'm thinking that it's totally okay. And I'm sitting on my couch.

Denial.

Yeah, totally.

Yeah, totally.

Called my neighbor, and I was like, hey, could you just come down? I'm in a thing right now. So my upstairs neighbor came down. Kimby. And she sat with me, and she's like, are you okay? And I was like, I don't know. Like, what's happening? I don't understand. And then I was like, I think so this is like an hour.

Yeah.

Of me just being like, no, everything's okay. Yeah. Like, I'm having. I'm arguing with you.

I really need to go. Because if I go, that means it's serious. I don't want it to be serious. So I don't really want to just.

Avoid it all together. Sort of like how I was living my life in general. Just if it hurt, if it's just uncomfortable, I'm just not.

Yeah, right.

So I called a friend, and he drove from Gloucester to bring me to Western Mass. And now we're working on, like, over two hours since. Since the phone call. And I walk in. I'm. My whole family is there, and the priest. And I've never felt, like, a drop in. In my existence. Like, I felt something like. Like, empty, you know? And, you know, priest trying to talk to me, and I'll play that game. So I was like, stop. I was like, just take me to my dad. And I pulled open the curtain, and there he was on life support. And I was just like, I forgive you. I'm so sorry. Like, I'm trying to, like, make amends.

Yeah.

In this, like, nothing mattered. Yeah, Nothing mattered.

Yeah.

In that. In that moment. Because that was it. That was it. And I. I still wasn't, like, aware of what was happening. And he had had an aneurysm. So after the stroke, they had an aneurysm. And I was like, is this because of the thing that they didn't want to do? Who knows?

Could I.

Like, I just didn't even want to fight. Like, what's the point?

At that point, it's not the best place to Put energy. No.

Like, it's. What's done is done. Like, nothing is gonna bring him back, and that's what's important, you know? So you just kind of, like, have to be in that. And I was talking to my stepmom, and she's like, what do you want to do? What do I want to do?

Yeah.

Like, I have to make this decision.

Yeah.

Are you kidding me?

Yeah.

And I asked the doctor, is my dad ever gonna golf again?

Yeah.

And he said no. And I said, then it's time, and.

It'S the worst decision, you know?

And that was it. Like. And that was it. Like, I know my dad, and I knew that that's what he did.

Yeah.

Like, a gentile golfed, you know, like, that was his jam. And if he wasn't gonna do that, I know that he would not have enjoyed his life, but he. He wouldn't. He was on life support. He was never gonna come back from that.

No, but that was just her way of, like, kind of gauging life for your dad for sure. Right. You weren't really asking so much. Will he actually be on a golf course as much as, like, is he gonna have a life again?

Right.

Like, is he a chance of having a quality of life again? Yeah.

We could just keep him on life support. To be a vegetable.

Yep.

Talking and being and existing with this.

Body, and that becomes more about what you need.

Right, right.

Than what he needs.

Right.

Yeah. And, I mean, we didn't want to, you know, when we had that talk. I was actually in my office at the school when I got the phone call. Total denial. But I remember, like, I didn't want take her off. Like, no. Like, you're all wrong. And I had to, with support of, you know, Leland's father and the staff, like, recognize that I was making that decision about me. Yeah. Right. And not about her. And it's. God's the worst. It's the worst decision I wouldn't want on anybody anyway. It teaches.

It's like the biggest, like, selfless act of unconditional love, really. Whether it's a parent or a child or a pet. It literally is, like, to make that decision because it's not about you. It hurt. It's gonna wreck you.

It ruins you.

And you're like, well, take one for the team. We're gonna do it.

We're gonna do it.

And I said goodbye. And I just remember being on my knees at the bedside, like, on the floor. Such a strange thing.

But my.

My father and my grandfather had, like, the Softest hands. Like, we're athletes. Like, what the. I did not get that gene. And I just remember, like, putting my dad's hands, like, on my face, and I was like, I don't ever want to forget.

Yeah.

What this feels like.

Yep.

Do you know?

Yeah. Oh, I do.

And I sat. I just sat. Sat? Yeah, I just sat. And I was like.

What?

Like, what? Yeah, I didn't. I didn't understand.

No. And I don't think, like, I don't think that anyone really has the ability in those moments to comprehend.

Right.

And I think for everybody, it comes at different times. Right. And, like, you process in different ways at different times. And you said for you, it really forced you to. To do the work. So it's like you had all the symptoms and not that. And I. I always. I hate when it's like, all these great things came from Lay down. Because I think people think it's like, oh, I'm okay with it. No. No. I'm not okay with losing, Layden. Yeah.

This is not my first choice.

Yeah.

You know.

Right. Like, you're not okay with losing. However, we don't have a choice in that. Right. And so without. The only choice we do have is what. What can come from, for sure, loss in their life. And so you've talked a lot about how you began to do the work and you found alignment. Yep.

I was like, I. My dad was, too. He was too good, and he loved me too much to be, like, forgotten and for me not to do my best, you know? So I was like, I'm just gonna make him proud. Like, I have to use this. He didn't die in vain. There has to be a purpose. There has to be a reason. I wasn't gonna just let it wreck me. Like, I felt like in order to honor my dad, I had to give it purpose and I had to give it meaning.

Yeah.

Whether it's the true meaning or it's just one that I made up to cope, I'm not sure, but I allowed it to, like, break me open. I allowed grief into the house. I let it kick my fucking ass every day. And I. I hurt and I cried, and I couldn't function, and I couldn't get out of bed, and I didn't know what day it was. And I sometimes went to call him.

Yeah. But I didn't.

I didn't choose anything else. I didn't choose other substances or any outside forces. I was like, I'm gonna sit with this bitch and I'm gonna. Like, I'm Gonna reckon with her.

Yeah.

You know, and I was like, I'm gonna meet you. I'm gonna meet you. And she's gonna be part of my life. So I need to let her know that I'm in control of this. I know. She moved in.

Yeah, she moved in.

She shared a bed, she shared space, she shared food like, she's a bitch. And I was like, I can't let this take over my life.

Yeah.

So I was like, I just have to figure out how I can handle this and how I can control it and integrate it.

Right. Yeah.

And how do I carry this? And I think one of the things that the misconception of when you're dealing with grief is that it'll be. You'll get over it.

No. Yeah.

It's not something you get over ever. It is something you carry, and it is something that becomes normal.

Yes.

Pain, loss, grief, sadness are no more normal than joy, happiness, and success. And it's always an. And I talk about that a lot. Like, embracing the. And, like, anything that happens after I've built this business and I, like, reevaluated my life. So dope. And I'm so excited when I, like, launch the first thing. Do something. And I was like, look at this. And then I'm like, and, oh, and my dad's not here. Like, I'm devastated and super pumped at the same time. So both of I've learned, like, that movie. What's the inside out with the Pixar, with the.

I don't know. I'm not a good movie person.

Oh, yeah. So they're like, yeah. So anyways, it's about embracing both things that can coexist at the exact same time.

We talk a lot about using the word and on this podcast and in the work that I do, and I find that all the time, like, oh, my gosh, I'm so grateful. Like, here I am, like, I'm at Leyden's Tree in the Boston Public Garden, and we're decorating it. Like, this is amazing. And, you know, these people are like, no, Layden. And I'm like, and Leanne's gone. Right.

Or I have this podcast because of.

Because of.

Right.

Like, I love this podcast. It's so amazing. And I trade it. All right.

Yeah.

And so I think what's so important here, though, what you're empowering other people to hear and I just want to reinforce is, like, whether, you know, you weren't doing the work before grief essentially forced you to do the work. It was from doing the Work that you found alignment.

Yep. Because nothing will break me if that shit didn't break me. Please. Like, I can sit in the discomfort of figuring out what I want for my job. I can sit in the discomfort of ending a relationship. You know, in there, there are various forms of grief, but I think that one.

Yeah.

Was like, yeah, the. The earthquake that shook me.

Yeah.

And anything that kind of stems from that, I think I'll be alright. Yeah, I know I'll be alright.

And I think it's also important, like, doing the work looks different for everybody. Right. Like, you. You have a big. And you said it right. I have a big personality. So I always say that grief takes a magnifying glass and it puts it on, like, your traits. Right. And so it's like everything on steroids. I'm an intense processor. I process very deeply. I do a lot of writing and speaking. So for me and my grief, I've done a lot of studying of energy. Right. Nlp, writing, blogs, speaking on the podcast. So like. But you know, and so I just think for anybody listening, like, think about, like, how you function normally and what we're both here saying is, like, you don't have to do the work a certain way, but you've got to do the work. Yeah. And it's okay to get support in that. And it's okay whether it's, you know, you know, a coach or a group or a counselor, medication. Right. Having the support that you need through that is not weakness. In fact, it's courage.

Absolutely.

Yeah. Yeah.

I don't know how I would have survived because I was still on medication when this happened. And I think for me, like, my work came with just a lot of, like, unpacking.

Yeah.

I had a lot of variables in my life that I was unhappy with. And I think, you know, and any piece of advice, I was like, look for patterns. What patterns are resurfacing and then peel back. Why is that happening?

Yeah.

Okay. So the pattern is I'm fucking angry in every part of my life. Why? Why? Why? Why? And I just kept, like, the business school, the five whys, like I kept asking myself, and I was like, oh, yeah. And I think being on the medication kind of gave me a pause button to be able to, like, take a few breaths before I acted. Just. And I think that that's really important to know is that it can be a temporary thing that you do just to create space when it's really difficult because you can't get new tools if you're not in a position to receive new tools and skills.

Exactly like that. Intense anxiety basically puts up a hurdle, like a big barricade between, like, where you need to go and where you are. Yeah.

And you just keep. Like, you're on the same spot, getting.

Your head into it even, Right?

Yep. And then those treads, like, you keep running the same path into the same wall, and you're digging a tread, and that tread gets so deep to the point where it, like, engulfs you and encapsulates you, and you're gonna need, like, ladders, plural, to be able to climb out.

Right.

You know, So I think the more that you go without getting some kind of help, you're just so deeply entrenched that it's gonna be more. Not to say that you can't get out, but it's gonna be a hell of a lot harder to get out.

And in all honesty, like, you know, I talk a lot about energy here and vibes. And when we are resistant to help support coaching, whatever it might be, in any aspect of our life, we have to be honest. That's really the ego voice. Like, there's no way around it. Like, that's the ego voice. And I know I had it right. And I have to still call out my own ego voice when, like, I'm resistant to something. And so it's not that that ego voice isn't gonna speak, but you just don't want that ego voice. Just like, you were talking how you didn't let grief take over that ego voice when it comes up, like, you don't let it be, like, the dominant communicator in your life. Right. You just kind of, like, keep it in check and you have the courage and whether, you know, and there's so much stigma around medication, and we're not doctors. Right. So we're not going to tell people whether they need to be on it or need to be off of it. But both of us have been on anxiety medication. Funny, most people would think I was on it in my grief journey. I was on anxiety medication when I was super unaligned in my mid-20s teaching. Like, what the heck am I doing? Like, this is. This isn't what. I will love the kids. I love teaching. I love coaching. But there was, like, something that just wasn't aligned.

Right. Right.

And I realized, oh, I'm here because I want to teach life. I hate politics and I hate all.

This stuff, so bureaucracy.

So maybe I should just go to teach life in a different realm. Right.

That's exactly it.

That's what we're doing, but, you know, so I was on anxiety medications when I got pregnant with ladies, and I went off. I've been fortunate that I haven't been in a position to have to go back on. But at the same time, I think for anybody, there's no. There's no weakness. And being on, it doesn't mean forever. We've both been on and off, right? Yeah. And for you, you attribute. I love how we both just, like, cling on to alignment because it's everything. But you attribute your ability to transition off from when you truly found alignment and you truly found alignment from doing the work. So I would love for you to share, like, what is it like, you know, for somebody who doesn't know, you know, for somebody who's maybe angry, they're unhappy, they're. They're impatient. Right. All symptoms of being unaligned, and they don't understand what alignment is. Like, how is it. Like, when do you know that you're aligned? Like, how does that feel?

You know, when you're, like, having one of those days where you're like, and then this happened, and then I found $20 on the ground, and then someone said this, and then, like, you know, I almost got an accident, but I did. And, like, all of those things are just, like, miraculously, like, good, good job.

Yeah.

That's kind of what it is. Internally.

Internally, yes.

Right. Like, I guess so. I think when you do the work and you start asking yourself, what do I value? What do I want? And when you really get clear on those things that make you feel good, you can start to just root yourself in them so that everything you do, say, think, and who you align with more of a manifestation of what you feel rather than a way to reach out and pull it in. You're radiating from the outward outside or the inside out. So I think it's just a way that you're living your life on your terms. And I think letting go of a job that didn't work for me, it wasn't teaching that I hated. It was the stage that didn't work for me. It was the confines of that. I'm teaching in, like, the same kind of capacity that I am now, But I'm able to do it in a way because I sat down and I'm like, what do I want to do every day?

Yeah. You want to educate and you want to teach, Right?

I want to move. I want to inspire. What are the things that I value? I value connection. I value spontaneity. I value bravery. I Value vulnerability. So those things are important to me that make. Angela. Angela. So if I am not somehow cultivating those values on any level, that's when I start to feel off. So if I haven't had a really solid conversation about, like, how are we feeling? I'm like, what, something's off.

Yeah.

I gotta talk about feelings. I gotta talk about it. Or if I haven't, like, been silly, or if I haven't, like, moved my body, I start to feel off. Because I'm not cultivating a value that makes me feel like me. And whatever it is that you value, there's thousands of things that you could value. You know, things I don't value. Stability.

Yeah.

Like, but for somebody else, that's a high value. Right. So if you feel unstable in a certain, you know, part of your life, like, if you value stability and start being in a place where you're cultivating that and you're nurturing it, you have to water it, you have to feed us in order for it to grow and thrive.

Yes.

If you just say that you value it and then do shit to do.

Like, you're out of alignment. Yeah, out of alignment.

I believe in this. Okay, but how come nothing in your life speaks to that?

Right?

You know?

Yeah, totally. Yeah. So that's so great, Angela. And I think it's powerful for everyone to hear. And so from you being, you know, finding, doing the work, I just want to say that you don't magically find alignment. I want to be really clear. We do not magically just stumble into alignment. Like, you've got to position your energy to be open to what's out there. And you've got to do the work to get aligned. Right. And so you've done that work. You've done amazing things in your business. You shared that you're beginning to transition off of your medication. How does that feel?

Oh, God, it's serious, man. Withdrawals are hard. I don't feel like myself, but I'm headaches and I'm dizzy, migraines. I'm exhausted. I just don't feel like I'm forgetful. Like, oh, my God, what day is it? What time is it? But I think the reason that I'm transitioning, and this is just my process, this is what I think is right for me at this juncture, at this time in my life. Six months from now, I might be like, you know what? I liked myself better when I'm on it, but I think I've spent years really getting to know myself, and I have Built up a toolbox that went from non existent to abundant. And I've never felt more comfortable in my skin. And I'm emotionally connected. My bandwidth for emotional. My bandwidth for coping is great. So I'd like to think that I can. I know. I know that I can do this. And I think this is the next progression for me to just see. Because I've been on and off meds for periodically in my life, but I never had the conversations that I've had with myself in the past four years. I never unpacked things I didn't know about values.

You kidding me?

If you ask me what I valued, I'm like, good job.

No, I want to go on vacation. Yeah.

Travel.

Yeah.

It wasn't. It wasn't like that at all. So I think I can really tell you at the core who I am. And I know what I need in order for those values in my core to thrive.

So I'm doing it.

And I'm very candid about it. I've talked to my employers and I'm like, hey, this is where I'm at. I'm not ashamed, but I do need support. And I need you to know, like, this is where I am. And I'm going to need your help. And thank you for supporting me and loving me and helping me get through this. I don't foresee it being a problem, but just in case, it's nice to know that there's a hand on your back being like, I gotcha, girl.

Yeah. So that vulnerability, right, of sharing and taking the shame off. Right? We started with Brene. We'll close out with my whole.

Did you see that?

What does that say?

Dare greatly tattooed on my arm.

But I mean, I think. I mean, her work is brilliant. Right around, like, identifying this energy of shame that can hold so many of us captive. Right? And so what you're saying is like. And the only way, and she says it, that we can, like, free ourselves is just talking about it.

Owning your story. Own all the stories I share. Own it.

We try and complicate it. Like, we're gonna feel so much better with this, this, this and that. Just own your truth. Just own your truth. And so thank you for coming on and sharing your truth around, you know, being unaligned and being able to own yourself and be like, yeah, I probably wasn't doing what I needed to do, and this is what I went through and losing my dad, and this is how I put in the work and I found alignment and I'm continuing my own growth and Right now, I'm feeling called to transition off of medication. It's fucking hard, right? Because I think everyone listening, you know, needs to know. And that it's okay if you're feeling unaligned.

Right.

And it's okay if you're having symptoms of something. It's okay if you're going on medication, coming off medication, or never did, like, it's okay.

I think it's beautiful to feel that.

Yeah.

Looking back on it, right? Like, at the time, I was like, this sucks. But, like, look, it's beautiful to be misaligned because it's gonna now take you in a different direction. You're gonna pivot and grow, and there's a level of like, oh, something's not working, and something's off. What's next, what's greater? You know? So I think if you're struggling in that point of feeling off, listen to it, be in it, and know that, like, whatever you start to unpack is just gonna make space for what's next and what's greater, as uncomfortable as it is now, like, climbing the mountain sucks, but once you get to the top and you're, like, up and over on the other side, there's beauty there, there's growth. There's like, a whole new view that you didn't even know existed.

So true. So true. I love that. You didn't even know it existed. And that's where it's. Just keep your heart open, do the work, trust, get vulnerable, and put supports in place, whatever they are, supports.

Call everybody. You know, call me.

Speaking of which, if they want to.

Get in touch with you.

First of all, Angela, thank you so much for coming on. We didn't even scrape the surface of your unbelievable business Sweat remix. So why don't you let people know where they can follow you and learn more about your story?

All right, so follow me on Instagram. That's usually. That's the platform that I use the most for social media.

What's your handle?

Sweatremix. Pretty easy. Follow me at sweatremix. Yeah.

Yeah.

And it started off as a fitness class, which I think it's easy. I think fitness is the easy entry point to be vulnerable.

Right.

We can be physically vulnerable all the time because it's like, it's only 30 seconds.

Yeah.

It's temporary, but it's the same skill that you need to apply to all other areas where you need to be vulnerable. Burpees or like, leaving a marriage. Like, it's same. Same dislike.

Physical fitness, emotional fitness, getting uncomfortable.

So we have a really awesome and community. And it's really branched out to do a lot of, like, the work of, like, what holds us back. I call that your Becky.

Yeah, we'll talk about that in some way.

Yeah, so I call that your Becky. Like, how do you find a place to say, fuck Becky, I'm done with this. Unpack it, do the work to rage it out. So you zed on what's your Becky? Rage it out. And then you heal and kind of go through the reflection of what comes next. Did that work? So the process of Zen racheal is what sweat remixes about. You apply it to fitness and every other part of your life.

Something I love about it. And you didn't even realize this when we first started. It completely follows the Ayurvedic model. Completely follows that which we've talked about on here. And you are so first, go follow me.

Feel like a genius. First of all, this ancient practice, and I'm like, I figured it out on my own intuitively. Right, right, right.

Go follow Angela. But stay tuned. And first big announcement is you guys have the opportunity to hear me in a podcast twice a week. Going to be launching at the end of this month, at the end of January, 90 day CEO. So instead of just having much on all the time here for interviews, we're just going to launch our own podcast, focus more on business building. And we are going to be sharing Angela's story on there. You can learn all about her business and all of that and how we built it too. So stay tuned for that. It'll be coming out at the end of January and you'll be able to see more of Angela there too.

I'm excited to join that too podcast on podcast 2020. But thank you.

All right, everybody, thank you so much for tuning in. As always, I hope you loved hearing Angela's story. I hope it inspired you to kind of think about what work you'd benefit from doing, to have the courage to get support and to really notice, am I treating the symptoms or am I getting to the root cause? Because sometimes for a duration of time, you have to do both, right? You have to treat the symptoms while you work to the root cause. But if you only treat the symptoms and ignore the root, you're going to have the same things happening over and over and over and you're going to wonder why. You know, even if something else changes, you're not happy. So let her story be an inspiration to you to do the work, you know, and it's something that she learned from her dad. And I just there's so much that whether we like it or not, we learn in our structure and our losses. And I thank you all for being here on this journey as I share the stories that I've learned from my daughter, Layden. And if this resonates with you, please head on over iTunes or Spotify. You can like you can rate review, whatever it may be. I love your feedback. Or just shoot me a DM on Instagram guts and grief and just let me know what you want to learn more about, what you want to hear. If you have follow up questions for Angela, we'll shoot them over her and we'll talk soon. Thanks everyone.