53: Why "Change Is Hard, Do It Anyways" ISN'T Enough

Hello, friends, and welcome to Grief Guts and Green Smoothies. I am your host, Melissa Dugalecki, and I am so excited to be here with you all to chat about ways in which we can all get through different adversities, challenges and loss, and how getting outside of our comfort zone and maybe having a green smoothie or two can help us do so. We will cover different topics, ranging from interviews to recipes, to sharing my own stories of my grief journey and the loss of my daughter, Layden. And I'm honored to be able to share her light in hopes of helping you spread yours. Now, let's dive in. Hello. Hello. I am so excited to be chatting with you from la. I am out in Marina del Rey right now and it has really had change on my mind, right? And cultivating change and resistance to change and really all aspects of change and how it impacts us in our lives. So whether you are somebody who is in the middle of making change or you've been seeking change but haven't quite found the way to create it, this episode is absolutely for you. Because we are breaking down that barrier that change is hard. Do it anyway is enough. Because while, yes, I'm going to teach you how you want to do it, doing it just for the sake of doing it is not enough. So without further ado, let's talk change. I've had so many people reach out since I made my way out to la, which was just yesterday, But a lot of people curious about how to make change, they've been wanting to make change, they've been seeking change, and it just hasn't happened. It's either not the right time or they start and they stop. And there's this layer of shame, this shame or this guilt or this comparison of, well, that person's making change. What's wrong with me? That person's at a different point in their life. I'm still stuck. And so that saying, one that I used a lot in my life, you know, truthfully, that change is hard, do it anyways. I'm going to offer that it's not enough. And the first reason that it's not enough is that it adds a layer of shame. It adds shame, it adds guilt, it adds comparison, as if there's something wrong with us if we can't do it anyway, if it being hard makes it really hard. There's something about that phrase, changes, hard, do it anyway that really can take us into that place of lower vibe. You know, we don't grow in low vibration. Another thing, that phrase, change is hard, do it anyway reinforces is it reinforces the tendency, the urge to force things, right? And we don't want to force energy, we don't want to completely just muscle through, power through, because it might actually work in the moment. You might get results, right? You might be able to manipulate someone into getting what you want, but that's forcing it. You might be able to manipulate yourself into changing a behavior, an urge, a pattern, right in that moment. But when we're doing it from a place of struggle or forcing or control, that's not sustainable. And it actually pushes us further away from long term growth. So if you've been coached to just kind of push through, there are times we absolutely need to push through. But if you have lingering resistance or something doesn't feel right. And you'll know the more you tune into your energy, you know something's not clicking, it's not flowing, it's not enough to just do it anyway, to just muscle through. And so here you are, probably like, okay, Melissa, super helpful. You told me that this doesn't work, it's not enough. So what is enough? And don't worry, I'm not going to leave you hanging. I'm going to break it down and teach you how to create change. So there's a four step method that I, I teach, I reference it a lot. I love it because it works. No matter what age, gender, whatever you may be, whatever point you may be at in your life, this four step method works. And the first step is bringing awareness. So we bring awareness. Okay, change. There's some resistance here. What's this resistance? And this is where you got to lean in. Is it a fear of failure? Is it a worry of what other people will think? Is it a fear of actually achieving that change and thinking one, maybe we're not worthy of it, or two, what if I'm still not happy? Then what do I chase? Is it hesitancy to let go of comfort or something that's kept you safe? And something I think we really underestimate is that even negative thought patterns, even negative behavior patterns can offer us a feeling of safety, even if they offer us feelings of pain. And so we gotta get really clear, what is it that we have this resistance to? What is it that's holding us back? And for me, as I was seeking to make change and that was breaking out of my comfort zone, that was embracing new opportunities. I've talked about it for a while, but something that was really kind of holding me back, you know, I could say it was this financial thing or this logistical thing with work or something else or whatever it may be. But a big part of it was I felt safe, you know, close to Leiden's tree, close to my church, close to the hospital, close to the Bertucci's, where I spent many times feeling like Leyden's mom, right? It's like the one restaurant I was known as Leiden's Mom. And so for me, it was becoming aware that what was holding me back was this fear, this, like, loneliness, this emptiness, this brokenness of leaving these things. And also for anybody, change is really hard and can stir up insecurity. For those who've experienced grief and trauma, it can do it really more intensely. And so that, like, feeling like nothing is safe, feeling like, what ball is going to drop right now can really intensify. So I had to do two things. I had to really become clear and aware around the fact that I was very much attached to linking objects, right. And places to lead in. I've done an entire episode on linking objects in grief. So if you're curious to learn more, go scope that one out. And the other was that I was apprehensive and anticipating that shakiness feeling. It's kind of like an earthquake. I just feel like I found steady footing, steady ground in my grief journey in the recent couple years. And now I'm going to shake it all up again. And do I really want to do that? And I had to decide yes. And so what do you do when you do that? So, first step is become aware. So I became aware of what was holding me back from making change. The second step is to let go of the things that keep you stuck. So for me, it was that fear. It was attachment to certain things, right? In the physical form. And so what I had to do was learn in small increments. And this is the key. When we're trying to make change at a massive level, at a larger level or global level, we don't start with that, right? I always say, like, you're training for a marathon. You don't start training at mile 26. So if you're starting to train yourself to be more comfortable and open to and cultivating of change, let's not start at mile 26, right? So I had to learn on a smaller scale to, you know, maybe be okay with not having Layden's, you know, blanket with me every night or not wearing her ashes anymore or, you know, only on certain occasions where I really felt like I wanted to and being okay with that, I had to find other ways of Accessing the comforts of grief in ways that weren't attached to certain places or things, right. That were kind of keeping me stationary when I wanted to cultivate change in where I was stationed. Now this is going to look different for everybody, right? So it's your awareness of what's holding you in the place that you're being held, right? It's like imagine your feet in the mud. Like, what are those things that are keeping you stuck there? Like you can't get your feet out. The other one for me was that fear of things being rattled. So what do I do when you're doing these tiny increments, right, when you're doing one mile at a time? Well, I had to slowly one let go of those kind of attachment to grief objects or places. I had to strengthen my attachment to the energies of love and connection, things that I could feel connected to laden by that weren't dependent on, like, physical manifestations. And I had to create situations that kind of did many little earthquakes, like tiny little earthquakes in my grief. And whether that was like stepping back from yoga class or taking more of a leap into life coaching or switching things up and getting outside of my comfort zone in the work that Mooch and I are doing and are presenting or even this podcast, right? So I had to find ways to kind of create many little earthquakes before I went for the big hump. Step three is you got to find something new to replace it with. So as you let go of things, you've got to replace it. So I had to replace, or I chose to replace fear with opportunity, with possibility, with what might go right. But what is waiting out there to be discovered? What new growth is waiting to be attained? And so these were things that I started working into my daily mind work. I worked into my manifestation long term, right? And then my daily manifestation, I wrote it out of my visions, I said it out loud and started shifting my energy to the places of what might go right rather than what could go wrong. Because anyone who listens here knows energy grows where energy goes. So I had to put energy. I chose to put energy exactly where I wanted it to grow. And then slowly I had to learn to become more comfortable being less attached to the physical places that make me feel close to laden. Now. It doesn't mean I'm not going to miss them. It doesn't mean I don't miss them already. It doesn't mean I didn't bring some of Layton's things with me. It just means that I was able to detach enough to step into a new space. And then the fourth step of this method is you reflect and you learn. And so for me, that is going to be continual process while I'm here. But already, already I'm feeling changes embarking. Already I'm getting outside of my comfort zone. I'm in a new yoga studio. I was in a reggae meditation class of heart openers, sharing my story as a bereaved mom and making new connections. And so already so quickly, I'm experiencing the power of creating change. But the truth is, change is hard to do it anyways wouldn't have worked for me if I had just forced this. I wouldn't be open. If I had just forced this, I would be coming with an energy of resistance and struggle and fear. And I would be seeing all of the things that could go wrong. I would be seeing all of the things that aren't here. I would be feeling all of the things that I missed. Because if I had forced it, I would not have been open. And I can't reiterate that enough. If you're ever feeling like you're forcing something, it may work in the moment, but you're not truly energetically open. Now, I'm not saying don't get out of your comfort zone and create change. I'm saying the opposite. I'm saying create it by becoming aware of what the resistance is, of letting go of the things holding you back, of opening up to something new and then reflecting. And I'm saying to create it by doing it on a micro level each day or a few times a week so that you build up your quote unquote mileage to do it on a macro level in your life. Because that, friends, is how we truly create meaningful, sustainable change. Don't accept change is hard. Do it anyways as a layer of shame or guilt or comparison or fear or a lack of worthiness. Lift that layer off. Get curious about the resistance. Choose to let something go, choose to invite something in and create this habit and watch the habit grow and lean in for support. Because man, I did not do this alone. Personally and professionally, I have chosen to enlist in supports that have helped me strengthen and grow and expand. It's the best way I can explain it. When you invest in these supports, you can really like energetically expand. When you invest in your knowledge, like you're all doing by listening, you energetically expand. So hell yeah, high five to you. You're energetically expanding. And so think of how you can continue your expansion in a powerful way and how you can Step in to those places that you're dreaming of, that you're manifesting, that you're longing for, because they're so possible. But let's do it in a way where energy flows. Remember, energy grows, where energy goes. So let's put our energy in our place. It's going to unkink the hose of energy flowing that's going to remove all those blockages and that's going to let things truly, truly move. And if you have questions on it, please reach out. And if you have recommendations, oh, plug here. For any places in the LA area, send them my way. I'm already already finding all of the Mexican yoga, meditation, crystal shops that I can, but the more the merrier. Keep moving. Coming. Thank you so much for tuning in. As you guys know, nothing means more to me than shining my daughter Layden's light. And I believe that even though I stepped away from her in the physical sense that I know it in Boston, I am carrying her in the intangible sense that I believe in and trust in out here in California. And so much thanks to all of you. I found ways to shine her light and support others in their journeys. And so I hope the support supports you in some capacity. If it does, the best way to tap into that karma and pay it back, pay it forward, whatever it is, truly is just to rate the review of the podcast because that's going to help us spread this work. That's just the way that all of the interwebs works. I really appreciate you taking the time to do that because nothing means more to me than shining my daughter Layden's light just as brightly as it can come out. No brighter than it's meant to, no dimmer than it's meant to. And I'm just on a mission to see exactly what her width of shining may be. You talk soon.