6: Surviving up (Kintsugi and hugs)

Hello friends and welcome to Grief Guts and Green Smoothies. I am your host Melissa Dugalecki and I am so excited to be here with you all to chat about ways in which we can all get through different adversities, challenges and loss and how getting outside of our comfort zone and.

Maybe having a green smoothie or two can help us do so, where we.

Cover different topics ranging from interviews and to recipes to sharing my own stories of my grief journey and the loss of my daughter Laden, and I'm honored to be able to share her light.

In hopes of helping you spread yours.

Now let's dive in.

Today's episode is one of three that are speeches that I shared at the church that I belong to and it's the Unitarian Universalist Church in Boston, Massachusetts, which is a place that Leiden actually led me to when I was eight months pregnant. Her father and I were skating on Frog Pond and he knows me well enough to know if he had asked me to stop skating I likely wouldn't have. So rather than do that, while he was very nervous to have his unborn child skating around Frog Pond, he noted that there was a service at a church he had heard great things about that he would love to check out. And of course wanting to support that, I took off my skates and we walked for the very first time into Arlington Street Church and haven't looked back. The congregation so welcoming, open minded, and when Layden was sick we were unexpectedly very close to the church. Boston Children's Hospital is just a couple of miles away from the church, so initially thinking we wouldn't be regular attendees, that quickly changed and we were able to receive a lot of support from this congregation. They came in and they did Leyden's welcoming ceremony, her dedication ceremony and have been a part of this entire incredible grief journey. And the very first place that I began sharing about grief was there. I spoke at Leyden's memorial service there and then two years later it took me two years, I got up and I gave a speech about grief and I do it now every year around the anniversary of her loss and it feels really symbolic to get up there years after first speaking in this beautiful high pulpit at her memorial service to now get up and hopefully inspire others from my stories. So I hope that you enjoy these. They have a special place in my heart and would love to hear your feedback.

It was June 26, 2014 exactly two years ago when I first prepared to speak in this beautiful high pulpit. I stared at my computer screen through tears. The words were impossible to find and even harder to arrange. My gaze drifted to the sweet prints and soft blankets that danced between the bouncer pack and play and crates of books, each book with a handwritten note in it. Dear Baby, we give you hugs and kisses through your mom's belly every day. We can't wait to give you hugs, and we think hugs with two hands are the best. We wonder what kind of hugs you will like. Dear Baby, the doctor says you are very active. Mommy does a special yoga class for moms with babies in their belly, so you are already a yogi. We wonder what you will enjoy when you grow up. All our love, mom and dad. The crib, carefully chosen after hours of debating which color, size, and style was right now looked so wrong as it sat empty. Fantasies of my daughter Layden's dedication ceremony had been replaced by the nightmare of planet planning her funeral. How can I possibly find the words to capture her life? And how can I possibly survive her death? This morning I invite you to join me in reflecting upon the unspoken opportunities that destruction, adversity, and loss provide for us to reconstruct our worlds with mindfulness, beauty, and choice. I preface this with an important side note that while I am filled with gratitude to stand in this beautiful congregation, among my spiritual companions, I would trade this opportunity at any moment to have my daughter, Ladenbach. But like most adversities we have all encountered, the option to choose isn't offered. So when we face such powerless situations, what choice do we have? There is a long history of lacquerware in Asia, and these works of art, both functional and beautiful, are largely associated with Asian culture. While the history of creating such works of art is ancient, the manner in which broken or shattered masterpieces are handled is relatively new. In the 15th century, a Japanese military director was devastated when his prized tea bowl broke. He sent it for repair, and when it returned, the cracks of the gorgeous bowl were mended with large, unsightly metal staples. Dissatisfied, he directed his craftsman to find a more aesthetically pleasing way of fixing the bowl. This launched a quest among the men, and it wasn't long before they were mixing gold, silver, and platinum dust into each repair. This mending practice, known as kintsugi, literally translates to golden joinery. Kintsugi was so popular that craftsmen were accused of intentionally smashing and breaking pottery so that they could then repair it more beautifully. This changed the way in which broken and damaged masterpieces were viewed. Cracks became an illuminated and celebrated part of the object. What if we applied kintsugi to our own damage? After Laydon died, without Realizing it, I began my own search, desperately trying to find a repair. I had no interest in highlighting or celebrating my damages, nor did I want gold dust to fill my cracks. I wanted to find emotional super glue and put the thousands of pieces of me perfectly back in place. And I was determined. Drop in Grief meetings, organized bereaved parent groups, a grief counselor, meditations. I read and became an expert on the subject of grief, studied bereaved parents, watched more TED talks than I can count, listened to Reverend Kim's sermons on repeat, and even traveled out of the country to hear a presentation from world renowned grief counselor, author and speaker. When I finally met Dr. Raymond Moody, I felt a rush of hope that my superglue was within reach. My eyes met his and I asked, how does one survive loss? He saw the pain, the pieces of me shattered, and he whispered back, you lost your child, didn't you? I nodded through tears, reassured that his insight must indicate that he had the answer as to how to make the pain stop, how to be whole again. Still nodding, I asked, what do I do? And the world renowned grief expert responded with a hug. Kintsugi Hugs New York Times best selling author Sharon Salzberg writes, there is no controlling the unfolding of life. We know that none of us will get through this life unmarked. So when shattered, how do we fill our cracks with gold? There isn't an emotional super glue, but there are actions we can take to actively work at surviving and becoming more beautiful versions of ourselves. We can build perspective and empathy. Trauma. It takes all of our little idiosyncrasies, all of our fears, our quirks. It amplifies them and then it pulls them right to the surface. By default, our individual needs and habits express themselves loudly. Grief expert Kendra Allen says the biggest challenge relationships face in loss isn't the loss itself, but the expectations of others. To handle it the same way as you do let us loosen our grip on the way we believe others should manage suffering and replace it with deeper compassion for our own individualities. We can decide to act as the orchestrators of our own happiness. No one else is responsible for creating the life we want to live. We write our stories and we choose what roles others do or do not have in them. We remember that we determine the magnitude a person, a job, a stressor or a joy gets of our time, our energy, and our emotional real estate. In our brokenness, may we gain clarity about what really matters to us and channel our energy. There we can work to operate each day in our zones of maximum efficiency. This is our individual sweet spot where we have taken ourselves out of the stagnancy of our comfort zones, but not too far to the point of being overwhelmed. This is the place where growth happens. We sharpen our mindfulness. We navigate with heightened emotional self awareness because this point our capacity will change daily and sometimes hourly. We remember that none of us have the market cornered on pain. While it may feel justified, safe or even comforting to swim in that sea of woe is me. May we be brave enough to let go of the story of how we were wronged and write the story of how we survived. And I would add that at the times we struggle with the constellation victimization lens that we stay clear of social media, torturing our broken selves with the online highlight reels of friends, family and celebrities will not help us swim out of that sea. And sometimes we simply fake it till we make it. We turn to our faith when we can't see the light and trust that if we do our best each day we will rise again. But perhaps the greatest challenge in shining through pain and drama is our fear of speaking of the opportunity to do so. We become paralyzed, as if acknowledging these opportunities somehow lessens the tragic nature or massivity of what we experienced. What if we change our thinking? What if we see growth as confirmation of the significance of our adversity? Philosophically, the practice of kintsugi draws on the Buddhist concept that there is beauty and imperfection. Breaks and tears represent a crucial and defining moment in the object's history. None of us get to choose whether or not we will encounter hardships, but each of us can design how we face them. I spent so much time petrified to let anything good come from Layden's loss. Anytime positives or opportunities were encouraged, it felt as if others were downplaying my brokenness and minimizing Laden's life. It wasn't until I saw that allowing good come from her loss magnified the impact of her life and allowed her light to keep shining. Trauma and growth can coexist. Kintsugi Hugs Chip and Joanna Gain have captivated much of our country through their hit show Fixer Upper. Their storyline is basic. A talented married couple takes the worst houses and transforms them into dream homes. But their process is unique. During demo day on the show, the construction team tears apart wall after wall, pulls out windows and rips off siding. What distinguishes Chip and Joanna is that this becomes a treasure hunt as they search the demolition and to uncover hidden gems, things that can only be discovered when the home is destroyed. Once disguised, elements are uniquely showcased in the finished product. Hidden Treasures of the Past Uncovered as celebrations of distinct character, it is so easy to overlook hidden treasures. The same words that left me shattered became my super glue. Once I saw that they showcased a love present even before birth that grows indefinitely. It's a love that serves as my gold. Dear baby, your mom and dad love you so much. Already we have family all over the country. No matter where we are or what we are doing, we believe an invisible string of love keeps us all connected always. Hugs and kisses, mom and dad. Hidden Treasures Kintsugi Love Friends, despite our greatest efforts, we cannot stop pain and trauma from entering our lives. May we speak bravely of the unspoken opportunities, adversity, loss and grief present. Knowing doing so does not lessen the magnitude of what was endured. May we act as the artisans of our own human lacquerware, filling each crack, nick and hole with hugs, compassion and love. May we let go of our expectations of others, avoid the comforts of victimization, and find the strength to craft our own happiness. When demolished, may we discover the most remarkable parts of our core and let them shine through. Even if we cannot imagine how we will survive. May we blend our commitment to growth with trust in our faith to guide us. And we may just find we survive. Up. Kintsugi Hugs. Amen.