63: The Hardest Words I've Said Out Loud

Hello friends, and welcome to Grief Guts and Green Smoothies. I am your host, Melissa Dugalecki, and I am so excited to be here with you all to chat about ways in which we can all get through different adversities, challenges and loss, and how getting outside of our comfort zone and maybe having a green smoothie or two can help us do so. We will cover different topics, ranging from interviews to recipes to sharing my own stories of my grief journey and the loss of my daughter, Layden. And I'm honored to be able to share her light in hopes of helping you spread yours. Now, let's dive in. Today, I am diving into something that's a little bit uncomfortable, but that's what we do here. And I'm doing it because I believe it's a message that needs to be shared and spread and that will help every single one of us grow. Truthfully, I almost didn't record this episode and even after talking about it at length with Mooch and other people, but this felt really important to me. And the reason for not sharing was because I didn't want to make people uncomfortable. And I'm likely going to do that. And please refrain from the hate mail, but might be there. But I decided that's not a reason to not share, right? I got to live what I coach, live what I teach. And if standing in our truth and sharing our experiences in a way that challenges others to grow on their terms as they're ready to, right? Anyone can hit pause right now or leave. If doing that is the only reason to not do it is fear of what other people think, well, then that's about me, right? That's about my ego. That's about what my needs are to be liked and to be popular, right? Not about service. And what I want to talk about today really feels service oriented. So I am putting that ego voice aside that says don't risk not being liked. And here we go. As our world is completely changed by coronavirus, it's impossible to think that we're not completely changed, right? And I think it's unrealistic to think that the world is going to, quote, unquote, go back to normal. Because truthfully, just like I say in grief, we are now entering a new normal, right? The way that energy is exchanged is different. The way people connect is different. The way that we learn and we consume is very different. Therefore, infrastructures are going to change in our economy. This is going to happen for people personally, it's going to happen for people professionally, but we are going to learn. We are being forced to learn different ways to operate. Just like in grief, we learn different ways to operate. And it is really hard to embrace and understand that this is the new normal. And we spend so much time thinking about, I wish it was the way that it used to be. I wish it was the way that it's supposed to be. And I'm saying that as somebody who spent a lot of time using those phrases. So if that's you, you're not alone. I am you. I am with you. We are here together. But what's been triggered for me that I'm noticing a lot of during this time is an earlier version of me and my grief journey. And so I look at that version of me, and I see all these different ways and phases, but I'm seeing some of it pop up now. And it's this feeling of being wronged. It's this feeling of what life should look like right now. It's this feeling of, I should be on this vacation. I should be at this job. I should be doing this, I should be doing that. It's this feeling of despair that our world is forever changed. Now, again, I say this reminds me of a version of me and my own grief journey because I spent a lot of time, understandably so, for me and for you. I spent a lot of time saying, I should be doing this, I should be doing that. I should be doing that. Right? I should be with Laden. I should be taking her to the preschool underneath my office. I had to drive to work and see Laden's preschool that she was enrolled in every single day. It was right by my parking spot, you know, and that trigger that I should. This feeling of, I should be spending my summer vacation with my daughter. I should be celebrating her birthday. I should be doing this. I get it. So if you are feeling I shoulds, I get it. And I felt wronged. Right. Leyden's case was termed a catastrophe. What we're experiencing right now is being considered, like, catastrophic. Right? Lives are being lost, jobs are being lost, people are hurting, people are suffering, and people are afraid. So I felt very wronged. Leiden was taken from me, and I was in this place of victimization. And so many people right now are standing in this place of what's been taken from them. Right? Whether it's a sense of normalcy. And, you know, I think sometimes while there's massive, massive, you know, hurt and illness and death, and it's not okay, right? None of us want this. It's not okay. We do have to remember a lot of Us are being forced to stay in nice homes and take some time to reflect and to just eat a little differently, sleep a little differently and functional differently, but it's not disastrous, right? So what I'm seeing pop up though, and you know, a lot of it on either social media or in conversations, is a feeling of entitlement. And I know no one wants to hear that, but there's this massive feeling of entitlement prevailing our world right now that is doing a major disservice. I understand this because I lived it too. And it was a day in my life, in my grief journey, when I suddenly had this light bulb moment and I realized I was living my life as if I was entitled to a healthy child. What actually made me entitled to having a healthy child? And I think right now there are so many people who are struggling due to a sense of entitlement, entitled to the way life was, entitled to all the things that they had, entitled to all the boxes that we check in, the way that we plan our life, right? Like this isn't what I planned. This wasn't on my, you know, New Year's resolutions or manifestations or goal setting, vision board, whatever it may be. This wasn't there. How could this happen to me? And it's this sense of entitlement that when you free yourself from it, that the suffering lessens. Now, two things are really important here. One, the way that we free ourselves from it, and two, the difference between deserving and entitled to. So we free ourselves from entitlement by replacing it with, with humility and gratitude. Like I'm alive today. How amazing is that? I am experiencing this world at this time. How lucky am I? I have the opportunity to grow, to learn, to experience. I have the opportunity to feel pain, to feel joy, to see different things, travel to different places, connect with different humans or animals or nature. I have these amazing opportunities that I am not entitled to, but I am grateful for. And when we can let go of that entitlement, and I am telling you, this was a game changer for me. And when we replace it with gratitude and presence, opportunity, everything changes. Now I want to tease out, this doesn't mean we're not worthy of or deserving of. I was absolutely and am worthy and deserving of having a healthy child, it's still something I may pursue. We'll see. And I hope, I hope to have a healthy child. I do not feel that I'm entitled to anything. Whatever you feel has been taken from you, you are worthy of and you are deserving of. But it's with love that I tell you you're not entitled to it. And this to me is service, right? This is standing in those difficult truths of, oh, my goodness, you know that book four agreements that I reference all the time? What agreements have I made in my head around all the things I'm entitled to? And can I begin to disarm those? When people tell me I have a light or an energy or an appreciation, a lot of that was dimmed from my own entitlement. I've always had this light, I've always had this energy, but I wasn't vibrating at my highest frequency because I was being pushed down. This heaviness, this weight of various low vibes. But right now, particularly talking about entitlement. And so I challenge each of you to think about what opportunity lies within this. What presence can be cultivated now and carried forward? How can we remember that we are worthy of everything? We are deserving of it? Can we affirm that? Can we manifest that? Can we cultivate and envision and hold tight to the vision of the life that we love and dream of, hold on to that so tightly, but let go of the feeling of entitlement. Let go of knowing exactly how we're going to get there. Let go of thinking we know better than a greater power or source or universe, whatever you believe in, because the truth is, we don't. We are here to learn and we're here to connect. And right now, in this unwelcomed phase of our world, of our lives, more sedentary, reflective time, can we choose to connect differently? Can we choose to connect with ourselves? Can we choose to learn and grow so that when this phase in, this chapter ends, that from it we are only stronger, kinder, more compassionate and more clear? And we have let go of that entitlement that can stifle our happiness no matter where we are in our lives. And we are holding on to a gratitude and a presence that makes us truly appreciative for each moment we experience. Because how amazing is it to be alive? Let's not miss that gift.