68: Is it Ego or Confidence?

Hello, friends, and welcome to Grief Guts and Green Smoothies. I am your host, Melissa Dugalecki, and I am so excited to be here with you all to chat about ways in which we can all get through different adversities, challenges and loss and how getting outside of our comfort zone and maybe having a green smoothie or two.

Can help us do so.

We will cover different topics, ranging from interviews to recipes to sharing my own stories of my grief journey and the loss of my daughter, Layden. And I'm honored to be able to share her light in hopes of helping you spread yours.

Now, let's dive in. Welcome back, everybody. Last week we got deep in talking about ego and you know, it's a topic that's widely applicable and pretty universal, right? Because we all have ego. Ego is by definition our sense of self esteem or self importance. But one of the major discrepancies I see is that people will confuse ego and confidence. And I'm going to tease that out for you today so that you walk away feeling so confident in your relationship with yourself and your relationship with others. So let's get to it. So the truth is that we all have ego and we all have this relationship with ego and we confuse and society almost shuns. Especially, you know, I think depending on gender or social status or, you know, ethnicity that certain roles in our society shouldn't have as much confidence as others. And the truth is we should all be very confident. Right? But that doesn't mean that we're egotistical. And I really want to empower and help you understand the difference in the two parts of this. And what's interesting is coming off of our episode last week, I got a ton of feedback from you guys on it, and that's great. Please let me know what you like because I will go deeper in it if it's something that resonates with you. I am truly here to serve and to hold space for you to think and reflect in your own life. That's it. Right? And these are lessons I've learned from Layden or thought processes or patterns or hobbies I've pursued, you know, with NLP and life coaching, from my experience with Layden. So if I can, if I can be of service to you on behalf of my daughter, like, that fills me with joy. So please let me know what is most helpful. But I got a lot of feedback and it started a lot of really deep and meaningful conversations, right. Whether it was through Instagram, I got a few emails and I just want to hold space to go a Little bit further in this and let you know that, you know, being confident doesn't mean that you're egotistical, Right? And in fact, it's kind of the opposite and it's interesting. Maybe I'll throw it up on ig. I don't know. We'll see. I don't know if I'm brave enough. But, you know, my girlfriends, my college girlfriends, I've been talking about them a lot more lately as I've rejoined the mom kind of text thread, which has been really nice. But one of them shared a picture of us from her bachelorette. We were in her young 20s and I looked at me and the version of me and I thought, oh, my goodness, that version of Melissa did not have confidence, right? And people may not have known that I was bubbly, I was outgoing, I was social, I was successful in my work. I didn't have confidence. And actually, that version of Melissa had an ego that was way needier. And I think that's the best way to describe it for the majority of circumstances. If we are, quote, unquote, you know, egotistical or our ego is driving decision making, it's not that we believe that we're so great and we need to, like, be told we are so great. In fact, it's usually that we're lacking confidence. So our ego is needier and needs to be fed, right? That ego, that sense of self esteem, that sense of self importance is hungry. So can you see how, in fact, the ego is often a lack of maybe confidence or clarity or worthiness that is looking for fuel, right? Is looking for energy to be fed. And that can come out a lot of different ways, right? And we talked about that last week. But that can come out with needing to prove, needing to please, needing to be validated, burning out so that others can see how great we are. It can come out as competing, comparing, judging. These are all ways that it comes out. And truthfully, when I hear those things, I just kind of map it back, right? You know, I love my graphic organizers, right? I map it back. It's like this web, this surface level expression of, let's just say competition, right? And then that next layer that we are going under is going to be connected to sense of self and worthiness, right? And maybe some experience that impacted that, maybe something somebody said or a belief that somebody has about themselves. And then. But that connects right back to ego. And the truth is, is that that version of me I was looking at in my young 20s, you know, she had wore a lot more Makeup I had definitely, like that Jersey Shore tan. I was platinum blonde. I would get my hair done all the time. And there's nothing wrong with getting your hair done. There's nothing wrong with having it tan. You know, the dress I was wearing wasn't one that I would. I would choose now. But I looked at it and I could see, you know, I think you can see a lot in people's eyes and the smile, right? And I could see that lack of confidence. And I saw it, and I just thought, oh, I wish you had done the growing sooner that you've done now. And that's a hard thing, right? Funny enough, actually. Just side note, I was on with a one on one life coaching client last night, and she said, you know, you're a miracle and you've changed my life, which was beautiful. And she started crying, and I said, why, you know, why are you crying? And she said, I wish I had started this work sooner. And it's interesting, you know, we all, I think, have that at different parts of my life. And I had to say to her, and I have to say to myself, as I look at that version of me, like the teacher presents when the student is ready, we learn the lessons that we're ready to learn. The signs appear when that's what aligns. And so I look at that version of me who is, you know, wearing way more makeup, a lot of tanner, and trying really, really hard, right? Just trying really, really hard to feel accepted and to feel worthy, to feel beautiful. And I look at that version and I think, oh, I wish you had learned sooner. But she wasn't ready. She wasn't ready. I had to go through the things I went through. And so I share that because I want you to know, first of all, if you're here, there's a part of you that's ready. If you're hearing this message, you're ready to hear this message. You didn't coincidentally end up here. Trust me, you're not coincidentally listening to this episode. So do not look back and beat yourself up, right? We only look forward and congratulate and love yourself for being here and learning and growing and processing and not taking everything I say as gospel, right? But taking it as information and resources to kind of integrate into your own life in a way that works well and feels good for you, because this is your authentic experience and your authentic life. And I am just proud to be a conduit for you to grow in a way that works for you. So looking at that picture, I could see this younger version of me. And it really helped me tease out the difference of confidence and ego because I have more confidence now, right? I'm very confident that I'm enough. I'm confident that I am worthy. I'm confident that I add value to this world and that I have a meaning and a purpose and those things. And if you think about it, there's this definition in society that I referenced earlier that confidence is a certain, you know, you need to drive a certain car or have a certain income or be a certain social status, gender, ethnicity, whatever it may be, that those are the things that, like, create this worthiness of confidence. But I'm just gonna argue that those are actually things that are related to the ego, right? That my worthiness is dependent on these things on my bank account, on my car, on my social status, on the circles I run. Those to me are actually related back to ego. So I think our society really confuses ego and confidence. And I want to untangle these for you, right? And confidence is just this feeling of, I'm enough. I don't need to prove. I don't need to please. I don't need to receive validation, right? When I give, I give for the sake of giving, not because I need something in return. That's a big one. I'm going to go deeper into the law of giving and receiving in the next couple of weeks. I've been talking a lot about it with the women in the MOVE community. I've been journaling and writing on it a lot in my own life. That tends to be how it works, right? But when you detach from ego and attach to your own worthiness, right? Your own sense of self, your own confidence, you have a much healthier relationship around the law of giving and receiving, which I will dive into. But essentially, you give a compliment without being like, well, now I want a compliment back. You know, just. Or you give a present, not looking for something back like you're giving, just truly to give. You don't need something back because you already know that you're enough. You already know that you're worthy. You don't need a present to make you feel worthy, right? You don't need someone to tell you that you had value, to know that you had value. Now, of course, it's nice to get compliments. Absolutely right? I appreciate kind words. I appreciate compliments. I make it a point to give them. It's one of my values, right? To let people know I care, I appreciate them, I love them, but only sincerely, only authentically. I will Tell you, that younger version of me with the platinum blonde and the bob, the trendy bob haircut probably gave a lot more compliments and gifts to be, you know, to feel like she was enough, right? To receive something back. I give this, then I'll get that back, right? Because I needed to feed that ego. It was starving, right? It was starving. My sense of self esteem and my sense of self importance was starving. And I share more and more about my story around these things versus my grief journey because I want you to see, it's just part of the human experience, right? I want to let you know, if you're experiencing that, it's human, it's normal. And congratulations for the awakening you're having because this is very universal. But not everyone has this awakening and you're doing it. You're here. So I really encourage you to think more and more about where you're giving, where you're receiving, what you're feeding, right? There's an old Native American story about feeding the good wolf, right? And it's this idea that we have two wolves or two spirits inside of us. And everything we do, we're feeding one or the other, right? We're either feeding the wolf that helps us grow or feeding the one, in my opinion, that grows ego. And ego keeps us stuck. And so, you know, our actions, our words, our foods, our workouts, are they coming from a place of confidence so that we know we're enough? We know we're worthy, we know we add value. And when we choose our foods and our workouts and our drinks and our relationships and our conversations and our pursuits, our jobs, all of that, we're not choosing it to prove, right? We're not choosing that affair. We're choosing it because it brings us joy, right? It brings us fulfillment, it brings us connection, it adds more love. Or are we choosing those things because we're looking to fill a void, to validate, to prove we're enough? To try to attach our worthiness to superficial things such as a number on a scale, a number in the bank account, a brand of a car, right? Doesn't mean we don't appreciate nice cars or want to have positive fitness. It just means those aren't driven by the need to fill a void within our sense of self, our self esteem and our sense of self importance. And that's the definition of ego, right? Our sense of self esteem and our sense of self importance. So quite often when we see people acting out of ways of ego, we think it's because they have a really large Ego. And I'm just here to offer. I actually don't think it's that way. I think it's because they have a very hungry ego, right? Because there's a part or a portion or something that just needs that reassurance. And that's okay. It's human. My ego pops up all the time. I don't want you to have the expectation that your ego is not going to pop up, but I want you to get really damn good at being able to quiet it down, right? To not let it get in the driver's seat. Say, like, okay, ego, I see you popping up. You're worried about how many likes you got on that post, or you're petrified someone's gonna not like something you wore or something you did or something you said. Like, okay, ego, I see you, right? Or you're driving me to try and make more money or lose more weight or whatever it is. Like, I see you, ego. And even though you're here and presenting, you're not gonna be in control, right? Because I am enough. I am worthy. I add value. I am grateful for my experiences. I am continually growing, and it's within myself that I fill that sense of confidence and of who I am. So I hope that's helpful. Friends, just recognizing the human component of ego, but teasing out ego and confidence in our society in general, on the surface level, has it backwards. So untangle those so that you can begin evaluating and assessing and getting curious. Like, what parts of you are hungry and how can you feed them? How can you feed them independently on your own? Or maybe through podcasts or coaching or work or support groups? But how can you feed those in a way so that you feel really whole? And that doesn't leave ego in the driver's seat, but rather puts that sense of confidence, that sense of calm, that sense of worth and value and just being enough for who you are. Because you are enough, my friend. You are enough. And trust me, that was something I learned from my daughter, Layden. Something I desperately want to help you learn, too. You are enough. Thank you for being here, sending you all my love, all my support. Please let me know if this was helpful. Shoot me a dm, an email. I want to keep bringing value for you at this time especially, and always talk soon.