7: Grief 101 - What it is and how to help others

Hello, friends, and welcome to Grief Guts and Green Smoothies. I am your host, Melissa Dugalecki, and I am so excited to be here with you all to chat about ways in which we can all get through different adversities, challenges and loss, and how getting outside of our comfort zone and maybe having a green smoothie or two can help us do so. Where we cover different topics, ranging from interviews to recipes, to sharing my own stories of my grief journey and the loss of my daughter, Layden. And I'm honored to be able to share her light in hopes of helping you spread yours. Now let's dive in. Welcome back. On today's episode, we go back to the basics and talk a little bit more about grief. And it dawned on me last week when I was down in New Jersey doing different things to honor Layden's birthday and I was having Matcha. Of course, many of you know, Matcha is. I run on Matcha to probably be a whole other episode, but I was having Matcha with a friend and found myself conversing about, you know, explaining what grief is and how to support others through it. And I realized that so often in the work that we do here in the podcast and the blogs and the coaching around grief and challenge that we almost forget to come right back to the basics, the foundations. And like anything that we do, those X's and those O's, the understanding of what something is, understanding of what we're navigating allows us to do so more meaningfully, mindfully and productively. So on today's episode, we're really going to just spend a few moments talking about what grief is, the energies behind it, the different types of grief, and then a few strategies for how to support others Grieving in terms of what grief is, grief is really an intense manifestation of heartache, of loss, of challenge, of insecurity, of fear, of all of these energies that we can experience on a daily basis. So think of, you know, losses that you may have encountered in terms of a relationship or a job or, you know, your own identity or a belief that you held onto or a viewpoint that you had. All of these things that you are, you know, you have grieved, they shake your world, they shake your sense of security. And that's exactly what grief does. So grief is a very intense manifestation of the heartache, the challenges, the loss, it shatters our world and it really redesigns it because after we lose something that we've had, right, it's never quite the same. So when we're talking about that in the Terms of, you know, a toy or, you know, even a relationship. Of course we're going to have that grieving period, and it's going to be relative to what we lose, of course. But when we lose somebody that we love, that's going to have a really intense impact. And so we want to understand that. We want to recognize that people grieving are in a place of struggle. Their sense of security, their sense of what's known, their understanding of the world, all of that has been lost along with the person that they've lost. So recognizing that grief is going to limit our capacity. And that grief is, you know, incredibly challenging and unique. What it does is that it pulls all of our idiosyncrasies, all of that stuff that we do, up to the surface. So think about what your fight or flight mechanisms are. So when you are challenged, when you're scared, when you're fearful, we all have our little weapons, right? We all have the things we go to. Some of us like to run and hide in caves and pretend it didn't happen. Some of us like to fight it. Some of us like to avoid it. Food, drink, shopping, Netflix, binging, whatever it may be. Some of us will run to denial, whatever it may be. We all have these different ways of dealing with challenge and adversity. So when we are grieving, by definition, we're in a really intense state of challenge and adversity. So our go to coping strategies are going to intensify, they're going to come to the surface. So what does that do? That limits our capacity, right? It really hinders our ability to make progress, to move forward productively. And again, this can, can apply from anything as intense as the loss of someone you love to a job change, moving, graduating, leaving home, illness, a secondary loss, a breakup. So there are so many different levels of loss. So while, sure, we speak more specifically about grief here, these are applicable to all of the losses and challenges that we face in different ways. Going a little bit deeper because you guys know I love to get deep. There are different types of losses and this is going to impact your grief experience. And it comes back to expectations. And as we know, when our expectations are met, we feel a sense of security. When our expectations are not met, we feel a sense of fear and insecurity. And we begin to question a lot more. So there's sudden or expected deaths. So sudden and expected. Now, no death is easy. No death is more or less challenging than another. But what happens is a sudden death places another layer on top of it. It's not the death or the loss itself that's any more or less important than an expected death. It's that it's just got that extra layer of that suddenness, right? That shock we haven't had time to process or to grieve or prepare. Um, it's a complete shock going even further, an out of order death. So we know by default in our life cycle that typically at the older age, you know, people lose their lives, they fall ill, they may pass away, their life ends at some point, right? We know everybody's life is going to end at some point. Our vision, our expectation is that it's going to happen at the end of, you know, 70, 80, 90, 100 or so years, depending on what you believe, what you hope, what your health is. So an out of order death, much like a sudden death, it really shatters and rocks a whole nother layer of it being unexpected and it doesn't make sense. And on top of that, what you've envisioned your entire life to look like, right, is now lost. So for me, losing my daughter Laden was an outer out of order death, right? I'm not supposed to, and not that there's any supposed to's, and we got to detach from all these expectations of what things are supposed to be. But an out of order death is one that isn't typically, it doesn't fall in that order. So me losing Layden was considered an out of order death. And that was something I learned about in my own grief journey and really doesn't make it any easier or any harder than other deaths. But it does add a layer of that unexpectedness and that, you know, not being a social norm, which can create a lot more shame or guilt as a mom feeling a lot of guilt that there was more I could have done. And so that's not, you know, atypical. That's not untypical for anybody experiencing an out of order death or maybe just a death of someone who they were taking care of. So just to recap here, because this is a lot I'm throwing at everybody, grief is these, is an intense manifestation of these, these dark challenges, these hardships that we face in our life. It could be, you know, losing something that you've identified to moving a friend, moving to maybe a relationship, a job, or the loss of a life, you know, and there are many, many other things that could fall into that category when we experience such loss. Our world shattered, right? What we've known, everything is questioned, our security is threatened, so we go into fight or flight. We can go into shock. All different ways of reacting. And whatever we tend to do when we're facing challenge, it's going to amplify, it's going to come to the surface almost as if there's a magnifying glass on it, intensifying. It times 100 now. Probably no surprise. I processed through writing and through speaking, the amount of writing that I did in speaking, either to a couple of close listeners or to my own notes app. I can't even begin to explain the amount of time and energy I needed to spend writing and speaking. I remember driving my car and being so overwhelmed with the thoughts coming to the surface, I had to pull over and put them in my notes app. I have pages and pages over hundreds of pages, that will eventually be a book about stories and the way that I was processing. So that's always been my go to. That's always been my default. And it's different for everybody. Some people process by movement. Some people process by being still. Some people process by kind of taking time away to themselves, maybe moving meditation. So there's no right or wrong, but we want to recognize what's happening. So then in conversation with my friend, we began talking about, well, how do you support people in grief? Which is a really important thing to talk about and to understand. And we've gone through this in a little bit more detail in earlier episodes, but I just want to touch on it again and remind you all that we don't want to compound loss with loss. So if somebody has lost something significant in their life and we find ourselves unsure of what to say, and then as a result of that, we don't say anything, we're actually compounding their loss with. With more loss. Right. And so if at the end of the day, you love them and you want to support, but you don't know what to say, you don't want to mess up, you kind of have to put that fear aside and be able to lead with love and curiosity and opportunity. So I want to give you a little bit more tangible, a little bit more tangible ways to support them and recognize these grievers or anybody experiencing a loss, their capacity is limited. Their attention span will likely be cut short. Their triggers will be much more intense. All of those challenges are at the surface. So they're going to be very easily triggered, and that's okay. But we want to be prepared for that and not take it personally. Right. And we want to create a safe space for them so that they can process. And I think the most important thing in my Experience, in my opinion, when supporting people through grief is to foster a safe place for them to process. Right? So we really want to have a safe place for them to be able to get out what they need to do. And what we have to do in supporting those grieving is we have to shelf our own angst. And this isn't easy because a lot of people in my life who cared very much about me, they were so nervous and scared and worried about me that their way of coping was to kind of push and depress and to look for reassurance from me that I was okay so that they felt okay. It's all human and it all comes from love. But when we're really digging deep to support somebody, we want to be able to kind of shelf our own angst and show up for them. And ways that you can do that is recognizing one that there's no timeline. So saying things such as it will get better after a year or putting this pressure of a timeline, or they say it'll get better when or when do you think you'll be over it? Spoiler alert. There is no over it. And secondary, there is no timeline. Everybody's going to carry their grief differently. And ultimately that grief is always there. It doesn't go away, right? People don't undie so the grief doesn't go away. We just learn to manage it differently. And we don't want to put pressure on anybody for what that looks like or when that looks like. Another thing that we want to avoid is using the phrase at least. So if you are supporting someone grieving and you find yourself saying, at least I encourage you to lead with love and to let that go. Because what at least does is it minimizes. It minimizes their pain, their grief. It can almost add a layer of shame, as if they shouldn't be hurting as much as if something else had happened, right? It can minimize their loss or what they're experiencing. And I am quite certain that nobody listening to this right now trying to support someone grieving wants to hurt anybody, right? If you're investing time in how to support yourself or how to support others grieving, you are looking to be loving and compassionate, and I honor and appreciate you for that. So I want to give you the tools because they're not well known, right? They're not often talked about in terms of how to help others. So we want to avoid at least so you know, anything from at least this didn't happen, or at least you knew about this one, or at least this worked out, or at least you got that, or at least you were able to do this. Maybe they were able to do amazing things with their loved one, or maybe they were able to get information at a certain time that was helpful, whatever it may have been that helped through some of the loss, but that doesn't take away. Doesn't take away from what they're feeling. And when we use that phrase, at least we are truly minimizing their loss and we're trying to pull them out of that space of being sad. And we really have to allow those grieving to just be sad. One last phrase to avoid is you should. And I will advocate that dysphrase should be avoided in life. I think should is one of the only words that I would really love to remove from the dictionary. I love words. Sure. That's another spoiler alert. I was a chronic Scrabble Boggle. Any word game. I don't remember those ones on our phones anymore, but any word game junkie. I love words. I hate the word should, right? So should is very disempowering. And when we use it with other people, it can be come across as judgmental, it can come across as critical, scrutinizing, condescending. All these things we don't really like, guilt inducing. Those are all low vibes, right? So those of you who have worked with me in different capacities, you're probably aware of the Bible, right? So on the Bible, those all fall into low vibes. We don't want to have conversations or make choices out of a place of low vibe. So instead of saying, you should do this, you should do that, right? We want to find other language because we don't know what anyone else needs. We don't know what they want. And it's also not our choice to make. We don't get a vote, right? At the end of the day, we don't get a vote in someone else's grief journey. We can have an opinion, but an opinion actually doesn't entitle us to a vote in their journey. So some strategies, they're like, all right, thanks, Melissa, for telling me all the things I shouldn't do. I do want to help you out and tell you some things that you can say that will be really helpful. So when you don't know what to say and you're afraid of what to say, I encourage you to say that I love you so much, I care about you or I honor you, I don't know what to say. I wish I could say something that is going to make this better. Or easier. I don't think that's possible. But I want you to know I care about you and I believe in you and I'm here for you. The power of that, showing up for somebody and being vulnerable with them as they are raw and vulnerable and broken. Putting our ego aside, putting our fear aside and just saying to them, I'm not quite sure what to do or say, but I love you and I am here. So that would be one suggestion. Another one is to lead with curiosity. So those of you again who have worked with me in different capacities, you're probably aware of the viable. So we're switching all of those low vibes we talked about before, that timeline, that pressure, that guilt that should, that at least that minimizing. And we're going all high vibes. So being vulnerable and honest and leading with love. Another one is to lead with curiosity. So I can't imagine, I can't understand how this must feel. What would be the most helpful for you? What feels the most supportive? And ask them and allow them to tell you what they need. And when they tell you, really listen, really, really, really listen and then see what you can do to meet them there. And you might not be able to do everything. Sometimes they might need you to just hold their hand. Sometimes they might just want a place to say that person's name. Sometimes they might want to go to dinner and have their mind taken off of it. Right? So see what you can do, but see what you can do that aligns with what they need. Not just what you can do, but what aligns with what they need. And then another strategy is also encouraging them to find opportunities for them to feel good. You can encourage them without saying you should. Right? You could say like have you thought about doing this? Or have you looked into this? Right. Again, leading with curiosity. Or would it be helpful if I found out more information on this? Because when we're grieving and we're at capacity, grievers don't exactly have the energy to devote to that self care. And it's counterintuitive because in those moments is when we have to really devote the most to self care and growth and support. But it feels impossible. So if they're not there yet, maybe that's a space that you can offer to help them and not telling them they're obligated to do anything. Right. But offer to help look into things. Maybe things that you have heard that are helpful, maybe referring them to a coach, maybe referring them to a group, maybe referring them to a book, a podcast, whatever it may be, and offering it not attached to the outcome. So that's the hard part. We're all pretty good at offering things we want to help. We have to detach to the outcome as to whether or not they choose to employ it, they choose to use it and not take it personally, right? So we just offer and we do our best that we can, but then ultimately it's up to them if they use it. And if they don't, it is no reflection of our worthiness, our supportiveness, or how much they love us, right? Rather, it's a reflection of what they're ready for and what they're not ready for. So I hope that is helpful in breaking down what grief is. Those really intense emotions that can bring anxiety, fear, it brings all of that stuff up to the surface. As a result, Fight or Flight kicks in. Our go tos on any given fight or flight day are going to kick in times a million, right? Those out of order deaths and sudden deaths or expected deaths, those are all going to impact our experience. And then there are ways that we can support, right? Not by telling people, not by leading from those low vibes, but by really showing up compassionately, curiously and out of love, right? And if you're listening to this and you're sharing this, I feel and believe so strongly that you lead with love and you want to help. And I thank you for that and I honor you for that. If you have any questions, if there are any ways that I can help you to do that more deeply, more meaningfully, more individually, please don't hesitate to reach out. You can find me@griefandguts.com and I'm also grief and guts on Instagram, so griefandguts.com or guts and Grief on Instagram. All of that is in the podcast too. I am so honored to be able to connect with you on these lessons that were truly unwelcomed in my life. But they were the lessons that presented, so they are mine. And it is my honor and my privilege to share them in memory of my daughter Laden, in hopes of allowing her light to continue to shine more brightly and more widely. So I thank you for supporting that mission of mine. Be well, friends. Talk soon.