70: 4 Tools For These Transformative Times

Foreign welcome to Grief and Guts. I'm your host, Melissa Dugulecki. It is my honor and privilege to serve you by sharing stories, tools, interviews and strategies that will help you transition from what do I do now? How do I get through this? Those feelings of overwhelm and uncertainty to truly standing in your power. From my grief journey in losing my daughter laden in 2014, that I learned, practiced, was exposed to all these tools, but they are not grief specific. In fact, they apply universally to all of our unique situations. You've already done the hard part by showing up, by opening up to something new. So without any further ado, let's get to the good stuff that's going to help you in your journey. Let's dive in. Hey, friends. How is everyone doing? This is a heavy and uncertain time in our world. And you know, as we talk about, those are times that can lead to transformation, but it doesn't make it easy whatsoever. You know, what's interesting is through these recent events, whether it's Covid, whether it's the Black Lives Matter movement, our fight for social justice, change in our systemic ways as a society, or anything else that we talk about, the themes are really consistent. And I want to point that out. If you go back to the very first few episodes, what we talked about applies now, the middle episodes, what we talk about applies now. And I offer that to provide some reassurance that this work that you're doing, it's not as if we have to learn something new for every situation. Rather, what you're learning is going to be applicable to no matter what you're navigating. And I think what's important about that is it makes it less overwhelming. It takes away that feeling of we have to learn all the things, we have to learn all the things for all these different circumstances. But rather it's we want to learn and practice and implement certain core values, strategies and practices that can integrate, albeit differently, into whatever is thrown our way. And that is where I think the power of what we learn in grief really translates and applies to what we're experiencing in life. And the truth is, is what we're feeling right now is very much grief centered, very energetically aligned with grief. And so today I'm going to share with you five different lessons that I experienced on grief. But what is super interesting is that now I'm sharing it from the other side, Right? Every time I've shared from you, I've shared from the side of being a griever and how to manage those external forces. And now As a white person right now in our society, I'm sharing with you on the other side as someone supporting the grief, the mourning, the loss and the injustices that have happened in our world. And it's this really interesting flip of the scripts, but I know I'm not alone in feeling like, what do I do? And I'm recognizing. And a lot of manifestations of grief are happening in our world right now. So together, let's choose to strengthen and learn. Remember, we're not alone. And I hope these five strategies and reminders help you now. The first is recognizing what blockages are preventing us from taking action. And a lot of times this can be too busy, right? It can be. This doesn't pertain to me. And the truth is that happens not only here and what's happening in our world with these injustices and these prejudices, but this happens in grief, right? We don't want to either tend to our own grief or we get too busy to support someone else through theirs. And this happens in life, right? I coach this a lot in move or 90 day where, you know, we're too busy to really do the things we need to do. And that bit of avoidance can come from the fear of doing it incorrectly. The fear of failure and avoidance of sitting in discomfort, right? The conversations that are happening right now in our world are so necessary and they're also uncomfortable, right? So allow both to be true. Another blockage that could be existing right now is guilt of not having experienced the injustices that are happening, maybe of being on the side of privilege and feeling guilt about that. Now I experienced this on the other side where a lot of people were experiencing guilt because they had a healthy child, so they didn't do anything. But the reality is I have to call myself out. I can't allow any guilt that may come up stop me. That's only compounding the difficulty right now. I need to allow that guilt to move through me, to release it and to choose to take action, right? I was on the other side of it in my grief, but now on this side, right, experiencing that pop up and being able to say like, no, allowing this guilt or shame to consume me is actually self serving. That's actually ego driven. The courageous thing is to let go of it and then to step forward and take action. Now this is something that's happening on a deeper scale right now. Like this is more intense, right? On an intensity meter of a 1 to 10, we're looking closer to this 10. What I want to encourage you to do is to practice this on a daily basis in a lower stakes environment. Because the truth is, I say this all the time. We can't use a new tool that we haven't cultivated. So if you haven't cultivated the tool of not allowing your guilt of something to consume you or stop you, it's going to be really hard to be able to do that right now. So where can you practice that? Where else do you feel guilty? Where else can you let guilt go or shame? And these energies. Where can we do it on a smaller level on a daily basis so that we can do it on a macro level when this world really needs us to do it? This is why I can't emphasize enough. Doing the work for yourself is not selfish. It allows you to show up powerfully in these challenges. Reality is, these challenges are a constant. They're just changing what they are. When it's not Covid, it's something else, right? When it's not our Black Lives Matter movement. And we work through this, and it's going to take time, but when we work through it, there will be something else. This life is a constant evolution of growth that can be overwhelming or it can be exciting. It depends whatever narrative you want to assign to it. Or it could be a little bit of both, right? It can both exist. But I reinforce that to say we can't expect to use a new tool now. So if you're getting paralyzed by not wanting to sit in discomfort, well, where can you learn to sit in discomfort on a regular basis? If you're not sure what to say, where can you practice working through not being sure what to say on a regular basis? If you feel like you don't want to remind someone of it, where can you work through that untruth on a regular basis? Because they're reminded of it. So let this be an opportunity to not only call yourself out on what's stopping you, what's blocking you, and take action on it on this macro level, but on a micro level every single day. Like, pause this right now. Write it down. What is popping up? What is stopping you? I guarantee you this is not the only place that is stopping you. This situation is just holding a magnifying glass to it. So through this now, look at it now, not only is our world going to grow and expand by you taking action, you're going to grow and expand when you start to practice this on a micro level. So really amazing opportunity lies, right? It hides, it lurks in these adversities. Okay? The second thing is just a reminder that There is no right or wrong emotion. And we need to distinguish emotion versus energy, because even guilt and shame and fear, those can trace back to that energy of worthiness, of love, of belonging, of wanting to connect. And when we feel like our connection is threatened, well, that can come out through guilt or shame, right? When we feel like we're not worthy of it, it can come out through guilt or shame or fear. So really recognize there's no right or wrong emotion. So make space for whatever you're feeling, but recognize the difference between energy and emotion. So energy's at the core, and it manifests through these emotional human experiences. So distinguish those two. Practice it here for what we're experiencing in our world and practice it every day for you, and watch it change your life. Third thing, don't make this about you. Right? Don't make this about you. I remember in my own healing journey, in the really raw moments after my grief, there were people who loved me so very much, but they struggled to not make it about them. Right? They were uncomfortable with my grief, and so they wanted to rush it with the it will get better when. Or the. At least, or the, well, I feel so guilty because my child is healthy. And I'm thinking, well, I understand that's real for you, but you are making this about you right now. You're not able to support and show up for me. So tend to your needs 100%. Don't dismiss them, don't stuff them down. But when you go out there to serve and to make this world better, don't make it about you. Tend to your needs with trusted relationships, with a coach, with a counselor, with supports, with your own systems of journaling or manifesting or releasing or processing. Tend to them. Please do not misinterpret me saying not making it about you as not honoring your feelings. I want you to honor them. But when you go out there and you have conversations, when you go out there to learn, to listen, to serve, to support, do not make it about your experience. Do not make it about your experience. Again, this is not something that you can suddenly do if you've never done it before. So what can you do today on a micro level to make something not about your experience? To step out of our egocentric humanness, very humanness, that thinks it's always about our experience. One example I talk about a lot is not taking things personally. When we learn to not take something personally, we're recognizing that not everything is about us. If someone hasn't called us back, we don't know what's going on in their life, right? If someone doesn't have the response we expected, we don't know how they're perceiving or what their past experiences are filtering in or influencing, right? So how can we not make something about us on these micro levels? So now we are cultivating the tool on this macro level when the world really needs us to show up powerfully, that we can choose to not make it about ourselves. The next thing, number four, is to recognize that this is a marathon, not a sprint. I experienced this in my grief journey as well, right? It was a sprint. It was like this rush when Laden died. Everyone was there, the cards were coming in, the reminders, the texts, the calls. And as expected, people go back to their lives tending to what feels most important, most urgent. But what the world needs for us right now is to recognize that this is not going to go away. This needs to be treated as a long term action plan. Which means not only do we need to make sure that these cards don't stop filtering in these social media posts, these difficult conversations, these considerations, right? This new act of humanity and human connection, we need to not only make sure that this doesn't fade out or fizzle out in a few weeks or a month, like I'll never forget that day I checked the mailbox and that last card wasn't there. Now for me, it was time at that point for me to begin healing more independently on my own way. Like that. That's part of the process, right? But right now, as a society, this isn't just one person's grief, this is our grief collectively. So not only do we need to feel it and process it, right? We need to show up for, for it. And just like I had to show up for my grief in different ways and continue to have to do that. It is a marathon, it is not a sprint. And I do worry the danger of comparison, of seeing everyone rushing and doing these things, that we put this pressure on ourselves, that we rush and that we sprint and we burn out or we become overwhelmed or we become exhausted and we fizzle out because we are human. So, my human friends, give yourself breaks, pace yourself, don't compare, do what feels right for you. You don't need to force, right? But we do need to continue forward. So how can you remember that this is not something we're going to rush through or get through and be done, that this is ongoing, this is a commitment. And remember, you don't have to show up in the way that other people show up, just like we can't cultivate a new tool. We're not suddenly going to become a new type of authentic version of ourselves. So if public speaking isn't something that you've done, you're not suddenly going to address this through public speaking. In my experience, right, Podcasting isn't new for me. Podcasting is something I've done regularly. So now it's a tool for me to help move things forward in my own way. Now there are other ways that I am not well versed, that I'm not suddenly going to be able to help in. So what are the ways that you can authentically show up? What are the ways that you can authentically serve, right? What are your ways of giving, of serving on a day to day basis? And how can you apply that right now we don't need to recreate things, we don't need to reinvent ourselves right now, right? That's actually too exhausting and it's not sustainable. So if we want to be in this for the long haul, for the marathon, for the transformation, we've got to do it in a sustainable way, right? That's authentically us. That's where energy flows. So really think about that and pause, like take a few seconds, reflect on it. What are the ways that you show up and you give and you impact? What are the ways that people tell you that you really make a difference? And then how can you do that? How can you do that now for our world? And if you need some inspiration, you can go back and listen to. Honestly, one of our very OG episodes. I think it was episode three. Three, the teammates episode talks more in depth about this. I encourage you to check it out. If that's resonating with you and you want to think about how you authentically can serve in this world and the very last thing, bringing it back to the four agreements. And boy, do I reference the four agreements all the time. Love this book. Thank you, Don Miguel Ruiz. Always do your best, guys. This is going to be forwards and backwards and sideways. You might put something up out there on social media or in a conversation, in person or over zoom, right? Probably more realistically, over zoom, you might put something out there that you change your mind on or that isn't well received. And that's okay. That is okay. We cannot fear that because that will stop us from taking action that will halt our growth, right? So know that is through this that we build our capacity to sit in the discomfort, to face fear, to overcome the unknowns, to let go of our attachment to outcome, to Certainty and rather, attach to the process. Those of you who have been here in grief and guts, back when we started at grief, guts and green smoothies right from the beginning. Detaching from outcome is one of our pillar concepts that we talk about in growing. We've got to detach from outcome here because there are so many variables outside of our control. Go vote not attached to the outcome of whether or not your vote matters. Just go and do it. Right. Support that person, send a message. Right? Or send something that's going to offer support, make a donation, not knowing if you're ever going to see exactly where that money goes. Go support or send a message to that person, not knowing if you're ever going to hear back. But do it because it feels good and right for you. Attach to the process and allow yourself to not worry about being perfect, but to always do your best. Right? To just do your best. And that as a human, sometimes doing our best means imperfection. And there's beauty in that, too. I believe that allows us to connect more deeply and more vulnerably. So I hope this is helpful. I could, in truth, have done an entire episode on each of these five strategies, tips, reminders, whatever you want to call them, pillars. I could have done an entire episode on each of them. But I want to know from you. I want to hear from you. Let me know which one resonates most, which one you're going to apply today. And remember, the power is in recognizing that each of these five things are not specific to the world we live in right now. They are not specific to the Black Lives Movement. They are not specific to the horrific death of George Floyd. They are not specific to the injustices of our world. These are things that you can do every single day on a micro level. Which is why I cannot urge you enough if you want to make a difference in this world, if you want to show up more powerfully for your significant other, for your children, for your parents, for your friends, for your colleagues. If you want to feel happier and more clear and more aligned, you've got to start with the small stuff. You've got to start with you. We need to let go of this idea of that doing the work is selfish. It is the most selfless thing we can do. Because when you've cultivated these tools, when you do it on a micro level, now you can go do it on a macro level. And if maybe you're feeling like you haven't done it yet, that's okay. Because the good news is you can do both Right now you can practice doing this on a micro level and on a macro level. Right? Keep remembering there's no right way. Just like there's no right or wrong emotion. Identify the blockages to taking action and move them aside. Right. Let go of those blockages. Release those those resistances. Make space for all emotions and separate the difference between emotion and energy. Don't make it about you. When we are serving, we shelf our needs and we show up for others. And we always make space to tend to our needs too. Right? There's no glory in being burned out and always putting ourselves last. That is an old story that we are not going to entertain or glorify anyone. Not here anyways. We remember that this is a marathon and not a sprint. We let go of comparison and we do our best. We don't allow the fear of saying or doing the wrong thing stop us from doing it. And we don't allow the need for other people to validate the action that we've taken to be our pure and only motivating factor. Right? We don't need that validation. We do it because we validate within, because it feels good for us and it aligns with our core values and who we are as a person. Again, thank you so much guys. This is not easy. I commend you for showing up. I'm proud of you. I see you. I'm grateful for you. I'm in this, figuring it out with you, doing my darn best, living and practicing each of these five strategies on a micro level, on a macro level. I'm sending you all so much love. We'll talk soon. Thank you. Thank you all so much for being here at Grief and Guts as Layden's mom. Being able to spread the stories, the strategies, the lessons that I have learned through Layden and from Layden is the thing that means the most to me in this world and allowing my daughter's short life to have long and lasting impact by shining her light. Truly, nothing means more if you align with and believe in the work that we're doing here in these messages. The best way to give back and to spread this out into the world is to rate and review on Spotify and on itunes. Thank you for taking just a moment to do that. Feel free to shoot me a message. Let me know what you want to hear more of, what you want to see more of. I am here to serve. I'm grateful to do so and I'm cheering you on in your journeys. Always.