74: Personal Responsibility, The Encore - Why It's Not Fun and So Worth It

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Welcome to Grief and Guts. I'm your host, Melissa Dugulecki. It is my honor and privilege to serve you by sharing stories, tools, interviews, and strategies that will help you transition from what do I do now?

How do I get through this?

Those feelings of overwhelm and uncertainty to.

Truly standing in your power.

From my grief journey in losing my daughter laden in 2014, that I learned, practiced, was exposed to all these tools, but they are not grief specific. In fact, they apply universally to all of our unique situations. You've already done the hard part by showing up, by opening up to something new. So without any further ado, let's get to the good stuff that's going to help you in your journey.

Let's dive in. All right, guys, we are going. Part two of personal responsibility. I got so much feedback on this topic. Some of you guys hate it, some of you love it, some of you are undecided. That is all totally normal, right? When we are changing, when we are challenging ways of thinking, when we're challenging norms, that by default is going to make us feel uncomfortable. And we don't like to feel uncomfortable. So thank you, guys for being some of the grittiest humans. Keep showing up here and talk about this gritty stuff, right? This gritty stuff and make sure you're bringing in some lightness and some fun and some play, right? Go look at some cat memes or some videos or whatever it is for you. But I think that's an important part of doing this work, that we laugh and that we make space for that. So we are building on personal responsibility today. And the first part to really, really go deeper is to accept and to embrace the idea that triggers are your teacher. Your triggers are about you. Your triggers are actually not about someone else. Your triggers are mirror holding up something else for you. It's literally a mirror holding up something else for you. Now, when you really get into accepting this and embracing this, you can actually become thankful for your triggers, right? Thankful for your triggers. They might not be comfortable to work through, but they're exactly what you need to work through in order to grow. And I want to give you a couple examples of this, right? Because it's easy to say triggers are a teacher, but then what happens is then we get triggered and we're just not aware that we're actually being triggered. We just feel annoyed, we feel angry, feel upset. So the first thing is recognizing those are. Those are signs of trigger, right? A trigger is just simply this emotional reaction to a circumstance or to something that transpired so when this emotional reaction surfaces, we want to look at what that trigger is so that we can see where it's coming from. I was working with somebody who was feeling very triggered by, you know, the work environment. The culture was a little bit loosey goosey and, you know, there was a real blur between privacy and personal lives and professional. And there was a lot of talk about personal. And she had participated in it for a period of time, but didn't want to anymore. But she was feeling very triggered and wondering, like, do I need to leave? Well, no. I mean, step one, personal responsibility is just drawing a boundary, right. And communicating that. Because what isn't personal responsibility is expecting anyone else to read our mind.

Right?

What isn't personal responsibility is expecting other people to draw our boundaries for us. Right? Think about it. Who's. Who else is going to draw your boundaries for you?

Right.

Who else is going to do that? And you may subconsciously find yourself and gravitate towards more dominant relationships where somebody's drawing boundaries for you because you energetically are averse to drawing boundaries, but your growth is going to lie in being really good at drawing boundaries. That's where it's hard, right? Because we find ourselves in these relationships where the other person is doing it. For me, I don't have to do it, but that's actually fueling and feeding what's probably playing out is a number of challenges in different ways. Now the beautiful relationships are the ones that we do the work individually. And this dynamic changes. Now both people are establishing boundaries and that's welcome. And that's okay by both people, right? Like that person who is the dominant establishing boundaries is okay with the partner now also establishing boundaries, right? That feeds more into relationships and growth, which is a little foreshadowing of what's coming at you next. But in order to really have powerful relationships with others, we've got to have a powerful relationship with ourselves. And to do that, we got to take personal responsibility again. Why would we want anyone else to have the responsibility of evolving our human selves in this life? Because, like, why give that away, right? That's our greatest joy. That's our power. So, you know, I'm still working on a new name for it, but think of it as like, it's. It's stepping in your power, right? It truly is. It's stepping in your power. So for this individual, taking personal responsibility was going to be first becoming clear on what was acceptable and not acceptable for her, right? Then it's going to be either directly or kind of you can indirectly establish boundaries, right? You can partake in something, you can remove yourself from something, or you can directly say, yeah, I'm not going there, or keeping my life private. Or you have a conversation with the supervisor or somebody who you need to about what needs to be done. So those are ways that you take personal responsibility rather than saying, like, well, I'm just going to leave or I'm just going to be unhappy that this isn't working the way that I want.

Right?

And that's common, right? It's human. So noticing again, though, that now we don't have to leave the job right now, we might not have to leave the job now. If we take personal responsibility and it still doesn't change and it's draining us, well, then our responsibility lies in making the decision to leave, right? Control what we can. We've controlled having the conversation. We've controlled being clear on what we're okay with. We put supports in place, still not there. Well, then it's our responsibility to choose to leave or to choose to just accept that's the way it is, right? You could choose either one. But the unhappiness, the suffering comes from not being aligned with what we want. So by accepting it, it's kind of saying, well, I accept this. I'm not going to resist it.

Right?

That suffering is in the resistance. Another example, when, you know, I was working with somebody who was reading, and this is very common, so I guarantee I have a number of people going, that's me. I've done this with a lot, reading text message or reading emails and assigning like a pretty characteristic tone of voice, right, to that email or to that text message. And I'm like, hey, what if you read that with a different tone? What if you read that with a different tone? How could that sound. And this is actually taking personal responsibility because what's happening is they are having a reaction, a trigger to a tone that they're actually placing on the other person. So that's like double whammy, right? And so it's like, whoa, why am I putting that tone on it? And what's there? What's under that?

Right?

Am I reading that tone correctly? If I am, well, then why is this triggering me? What's going on?

Right?

There's this saying that, you know, don't let anyone else steal your piece, right? Don't let anybody else steal your piece. It's this idea of that nobody can steal your peace, quote, unquote, unless you allow them. So when we get triggered, we are actually Allowing people to steal our peace. But we got to look at and do the work. Like, is this something I have to address?

Right.

Can do three things. We can change, we can leave and we can accept.

Right?

Those are the three choices that we have. Now, most of us get caught up in trying to change something that we don't have control over, right? Or if we do this, we do this, then that will change, right? Usually we've got to either make shifts to align, right? That would be changing, but that's all internal, right? We can't force anyone else to change. We can't do the work for them. But we can leave, right? Or we can accept.

Right?

We can leave or we can accept, you know, other ways that letting triggers be your teachers is looking at, you know, if something comes up and it's really upsetting for you, there is likely that's probably a place where there are old stories, old narratives that you've got to work through.

Right?

That could be feeling judged. It could be feeling shamed. It could be feeling embarrassed. It could be feeling made fun of, it could be feeling mocked. It could be feeling taken advantage of. It could be feeling lied to. If these are popping up, right, if someone's triggering this, that means it lives inside of you. So taking personal responsibility is doing the trigger work. What is that trigger? Where does it come from? And, you know, not surprising. All of these triggers come from past experiences, right? Some part of us that has developed, right. Or this aspect of us that has developed to look out for danger, right. Fight or flight because we've been hurt or disappointed, pointed or let down. And so a trigger is almost like a warning flag. It's like our interpretation of, like, a red flag being waved. And what we need to do is look and be like, oh, that's not really dangerous. It. What do I need to tend to?

Right?

So as we go deeper in personal responsibility, triggers, huge aspect. And then boundaries, right? Boundaries. And boundaries is so overused. And we think that boundaries sometimes. So I should say boundaries are overused and under implemented.

Right?

Boundaries are overused and under implemented. So it's nobody else's job to draw our boundaries for us.

Right?

So how are we clearly communicating what we need?

Right.

And that's boundaries. Don't we have this association with boundaries that it's negative?

Right.

Boundaries don't have to be negative.

Right.

Boundaries aren't unloving. Boundaries aren't denial of love.

Right.

Boundaries are really a preservation of love.

Right?

Say that one again. Right. Boundaries aren't a denial of love. Boundaries are a preservation of love. So what boundaries need to be set now? You have to have boundaries in your relationships. You've got to have them in work. You've got to have them with yourself. What's tolerated and what's not, how is that communicated? How am I communicating or demonstrating clear and consistent standards and behaviors that align with these boundaries? So just thinking about these things and becoming aware, you know, if somebody is dumping a lot on you and you feel like you're constantly, like taking care of them or listening to them, do we, do you right, need to take personal responsibility? I was going to say we, and I'm like, no, no, no. Personal responsibility is going to be for you. Do you need to take personal responsibility and establish a boundary so they're not dumping it on you?

Right.

If you feel like you're always putting yourself out, you know, that's, that's a common one. But where do you need to establish a boundary if you feel like somebody isn't understanding you? Where are you creating a boundary by showing and demonstrating, like, where you stand, right. What your expectations are, what your standards are. So boundaries are an amazing way of really stepping into your personal responsibility. There are a lot of other dynamics to it. You can only get through so much in a podcast. But this is really powerful stuff, guys. This is really, really powerful stuff. Most people aren't doing the work again, congratulations. You're showing up, you're gritty, you're here. I see you. I appreciate you keep doing the work, right? See how you can implement triggers this week and see how you can implement boundaries this week. Next week, I'm diving into upon popular requests. Relationships and growth, right? Relationships and growth and how we're navigating difficult dynamics and relationships. Maybe from growth, maybe not. And this could be romantic. This could be family, this could be sibling. This could be work. And at the end of the month, I'm hosting a free workshop on it because you guys have asked to go deeper. And so I have been researching, I've been reading books, I've been reading more up on energy and relationships. And I'm super excited to bring that a sneak peek to the pod, but then to live event via Zoom, of course, at the end of the month, if you want to join, please let me know. It's free. You can just shoot me a dm, an email, however you want to get in touch with me. And remember, by doing the work and taking personal responsibility now, we can show up really powerful in our relationships.

Right.

Which I'm going to get into next week. And just last thing I want to say, thank you guys for being here on this journey. This journey has evolved, right? We change the title of the podcast and really a lot of the content has evolved as you guys have evolved. But I do want to honor those of you specifically seeking grief lessons and strategies. I have a playlist, right, Andrew, Shout Out. Andrea, my editor, is helping me create this playlist where it's grief 101, 202, and your doctorate, where it's going to list episodes on where to start. I want to make sure I'm always holding and offering that space for you. So. So if you can't find it, let me know. I will give you the exact episodes. So again, everything we're learning and I'm teaching you is related to my grief journey. It's things I practiced in grief.

Right.

Even these triggers. Right. And these boundaries. And this all was learned from my daughter, Laden in grief. But as the actual subject of grief itself isn't always our material, I want to make sure that, you know, I do have it compiled for you guys in different categories and I would love to share. So just again, reach out. I am here. The more we connect, the more we can expand. Sending you all love. We'll talk soon.

Thank you all so much for being here at Grief and Guts as Layden's mom. Being able to spread the stories, the strategies, the lessons I have learned through Layden and from Layden is the thing that means the most, most to me in this world and allowing my daughter's short life to have long and lasting impact by shining her light. Truly, nothing means more if you align with and believe in the work that we're doing here in these messages. The best way to give back and to spread this out into the world is to rate and review on Spotify and on itunes. Thank you for taking just a moment to do that. Feel free to shoot me a message. Let me know what you want to hear more of, what you want to hear, see more of. I am here to serve. I'm grateful to do so, and I'm.

Cheering you on in your journeys. Always.