75: Dependency Is Like A Drug - Understanding Relationship Dynamics

Foreign.

Welcome to Grief and Guts. I'm your host, Melissa Dugulecki. It is my honor and privilege to serve you by sharing stories, tools, interviews and strategies that will help you transition from what do I do now?

How do I get through this?

Those feelings of overwhelm and uncertainty to.

Truly standing in your power.

From my grief journey in losing my daughter laden in 2014 that I learned.

Practiced, was exposed to all these tools.

But they are not grief specific. In fact, they apply universally to all of our unique situations. You've already done the hard part by showing up, by opening up to something new. So without any further ado, let's get to the good stuff that's going to help you in your journey.

Let's dive in. All right guys, we are talking today on one of the downsides of doing the work, right? That mindset work, the digging in, the voices, the old stories, the shadows, whatever you want to call it. One thing that has been challenging since doing the work is I really don't enjoy love songs anymore, right? Or those love stories or that I used to be what could be considered like a romantic, a hopeless romantic. And I now look at that idea and I see through a different lens of energetically how we co create relationships and the messages that we send and our own sense of self worth. And I see those as really neediness or dependency hidden under this idea of romantic. Now this is something that impacts all types of relationships. I'm not just talking, right romantic relationships, but the core of it and how we integrate with one another and how we relate to one another, whether it's parents, significant other, siblings, colleagues, it is really, really universal, right? It's very universal principles. It just comes out in different ways. So I wanna introduce a little bit of a different way of thinking about when we do this work, right? What we learn and how that applies to relationships. So one of the biggest challenges in supporting the people that I work with and some of them I've worked with for a couple of years now, right? And this could be in one on one coaching, this could be in move, this could be a 90 day CEO, it doesn't really matter. This problem, this challenge rather that they encounter is universal. And that is this challenge of I'm doing all this work, I'm doing all of this growing, how do I continue to relate to the people around me or these relationships are changing or wait, I'm becoming more aware that this actually isn't serving me well right now. I've been doing a lot of research on this. I'm excited about it. I've been nerding out on it. I'm actually going to be doing an entire presentation on it, like a workshop, an online zoom workshop where we're just going to kind of jam on this. I'm going to teach you more in depth about the energies of relationships and what might be at play if you're not feeling fully satisfied or if you're feeling drained from them, or if you're feeling unclear in them right now. This happens a lot. It's very common. Think about it. We are always growing and changing. How can we rationally have the expectation that our relationships, therefore, are not growing and changing too? Right. It's impossible to have one without having the other, in fact, because you cannot separate yourself from the you that you bring to a relationship. So whatever is changing and evolving in you will carry into that relationship. You know, it's funny, there's that saying of, like, you've changed as if it's a negative thing. And it's kind of like we're supposed to, right? I like to think of it as we're evolving. In fact, in. You know, there was a time in my life where I. I was like in wedding after wedding, and all I wanted was to be, you know, the next bride, not the next bridesmaid. And it's a really good thing that that didn't happen at this age. One, I might not have laden. Right? Might not have had Laden. But two, I've changed and evolved in ways that I'm proud of that I don't. I wouldn't undo. But it's been so drastic from that that either my partner would have really had to or our relationship wouldn't have worked. Right? And that's not a right or wrong. It's an alignment. And this is what we talk about a lot, right? So just like we talk about within ourselves, it's not a right or wrong, it's an alignment. Right? That's the same thing with our relationships. It's not about a right or wrong. It's about an alignment. Now, the term conscious uncoupling has become more widely discussed. There's a great book on it. I just finished it. But it's this idea of being aware to honor what each individual needs. And then how does that play into the dynamic? I want to take it further. This is not just about romantic relationships. This is friendships. This is work. This is family. Now, I'm also not saying that we need to go uncouple in all of our relationships. That's not it at all. It's how do we honor what the other person wants and needs? And then how do I honor what I want and need? And how do those align? How do those play together? Right? How do those play together? So by design, the way that we come into the world, right? Where this, like, being of just life and joy, and we think we're the greatest thing in the world, right? No, baby doesn't think they're awesome. But we also learn that we're dependent on someone else to survive, right? We're dependent on someone else to survive. And that's our parents, right? They keep us safe. All of that good stuff. Well, the way that our world has evolved, that amount of dependency has really, really grown. And that's not just in the parental dynamic, right? That's in society. That's in friendships. Is this person accepting me? Am I worthy? Am I safe? Am I deserving of love? Now, as a product, as a result of this, majority of relationships are dependent. And this is not necessarily negative. This is not a judgmental thing. This is an awareness thing, right? This is an awareness thing. And also, I was right there with you, right? I was right there with you. So, so totally understanding that. It's kind of the way that we're wired, right? I hope alleviates any of that. Like, well, what's wrong with me? Because this is just the way the world tends to be wired now. There's much more. A greater shift in this, right? A greater shift in this. And having books and speakers and everyone kind of talk about it and counselors and all of that really, really helps, right? It really helps. So dependent relationship, you're looking for someone else to complete you. You're looking for someone else to validate your worth. It can almost feel like a drug. Like, hear from them, it's like a surge, right? And if you don't hear from them, it's like this. Like you're having a withdrawal, right? You're having a withdrawal. Like, I need. And then what you're looking for is that reassurance that either you're okay or your relationship is okay. So that's like a little bit of dependency, not being able to make a decision, right. Without consulting with the other person. Now, there's a difference between being excited with butterflies and being kind of dependent on that. There's a difference between wanting somebody's advice versus needing somebody's advice. And I think that, for me, has been one of the biggest ways that I've teased things out. Is this a want or a need? And if it comes back to a Need, I have to fill that myself. I have to fill that myself. If it's a want, right. I can fill it myself and I can also share it with other people. If it aligns with them, then they can fill that need too. So separating out want and need is a really big thing, a really big component aspect in detaching or becoming aware of. So you can then detach from relationships that may be dependent other ways to really think about it, you know, instead of compensatory, like a relationship is compensating for something that isn't whole. In us, this is very common. We want a relationship that is complementary. Complementary, right. So complementary, meaning it complements us. Right. But it doesn't compensate for something. Another way I teach and explain it is supplemental, right versus deficient. So it's not a relationship that's taking care of a deficiency or a lack or something that we feel as though we can't do ourselves. But rather it's supplementing our whole state, our whole being and one other way and it clicks differently for everyone. So I just like to share these different ways of teaching. It's like a teaching nerd in me. One other way is fuels versus fills. So does this relationship fuel me? Awesome. Is it going to push me to expand and to grow? Right. Or is it filling me? Is it filling something that's empty? You know, to be completely honest, one way that this related to my grief journey in a unique way that you probably wouldn't think about it. But I hope it's helpful in understanding this concept is I had this urge after losing Laden to have a baby right away, like right away. And a lot of people would say, that's okay. It's going to make you feel better, it's going to bring you happiness. It's going to do that. And I had to really do the work and say, no, no, no. It's actually, I don't believe, and this is. Everyone has their own opinion. I don't believe it didn't feel fair to me to bring a baby into the world to fill an emptiness that I had within. Now I'm not saying that it's bad to have, you know, it's termed a rainbow child. In fact, I think it's a beautiful thing that can add so much fulfillment. But again, it's fueling, right? It's supplementing, it's expanding, it's not filling. Because otherwise, you know, I felt like that would be a dependent relationship. Like I was going to be dependent on my child to take away this pain. And so for me, that was a hard choice to make, but it was very eye opening and a new understanding I had of how I wanted to co create in relationships, how I wanted to receive and how I wanted to give. Because, you know, and further in my grief, you know, I learned a lot about this as well, because there was that urge after Layden died to look at her dad, look at Leighton's dad, and be like, take this pain away from me. Please carry this. In fact, a lot of society would say that he, quote, unquote, should have, right? He should. He's the male. He should carry this. He needs to take care of you. You're broken. That was a lot of the messages that were either directly stated or indirectly stated, Right. You know, somebody would ask me how I was doing, and then their immediate question was, like, asking how Leighton's dad was supporting me, as if that was his primary responsibility. I did this ladder exercise in my grief work and my grief healing where. And I highly recommend this. In any relationship, you make like a ladder, two ladders, and each person can fill in or you can do it for someone else. If you just want to kind of internally reflect, you don't want to do it together, but, you know, you put on the top of the first rung what's most important in your life, and then second, and then third, and then fourth. And it's like Layden's dad had other things he had to tend to that were very real. You know, Leighton has a half sister that he still had to, you know, got to, right, be there for was a huge part of his grief journey, job change and all of this other stuff, right? Taking care of my pain wasn't actually. Shouldn't be the top of this ladder, right? And so I had this like, boom, like light bulb moments between realizing that I couldn't just get pregnant to take my pain away and I couldn't just have somebody else carry my pain for me. Society was telling me I could, right? Society was telling me, like, go have a baby. You'll feel better. You know, have Layden's dad do this for you. Have him do that for you. Have him take care of you. He's taking care of you, right? And I had to stand and be like, no, this is for me to heal, right? I need to rebuild my relationship with myself. And, man, while it was so fucking hard, right? While I wanted to just have that baby, to feel like a mom again and have that joy and to feel like a child's skin on me, to take away my longing for that and while I just wanted to look at L and be like, carry this for me, not only would that have not been fair to the child or to Leighton's dad, I would have been really unfair to myself because I would have deprived myself of the most exponentially growth producing circumstance I've ever been in. Don't want it, never wanted to go there. I trade it all back. But that's where I was, right? That was the landscape I was giving and what I had to work through. And so when I hear this a lot, when people are faced with challenges and doing the work, it is hard. I'm not negating that. But it is also where your biggest growth lies. And I think that is important. We got to realize that as we look at how are we depending or not depending on other people to do our work for us. This relates back to personal responsibility, which is something I have been talking a lot about. First step one, we have to get our personal responsibility foundation down. And then step two, then we can go and co create in really meaningful relationships. Now if you're in relationships currently and you're like, well, shit, is it too late? No, get your personal responsibility, do the work, and now you can just strengthen your relationships, right? It's never too late, guys. And that leads into what I want to kind of wrap up here to give you some things to think about in our world, kind of views of relationship, you know, things from movies or songs that have been ruined for me since personal responsibility. And I kind of miss being able to, like, I don't know if anyone else listened to Delilah, what was that? Delilah loves Someone Tonight or whatever. And people call in and they send love songs and they tell their stories and it was like, I used to love it and now I hear it and I'm like, oh man, this person's got to do the work. Like, they're putting too much pressure on that other person or they're feeling impatient because of a timeline, or they're not trusting or they need to know that they're worth it and they can validate themselves. Like, I can't listen to Delilah anymore because now I'm just thinking of like what work that person needs to do instead of sending a song. So I. I kind of miss it. Not gonna lie. I kind of miss just being able to listen to Delilah, right? But I don't believe ignorance is bliss. I would rather know what I know, right? And not be able to hear Delilah the same anymore. But you know, some other really kind of common things we hear out there, I think is important to talk about. So I want that to be a takeaway is just to begin to observe, like, where are these messages being driven in time after time? Whether it's tv, whether it's songs, whether it's movies, and what is it reinforcing, right? I mean, you hear, you know, Jerry Maguire, right? You complete me. And that scene used to melt me. Now I'm like, no, no, you complete yourself and she completes herself. But together you can be super complementary and you can expand and you can rise up, right? Not as sexy, not as Hollywood, not as romantic. Right. But way more productive, you know, Songs about like, I need you now, you know, again, that idea of needing, that idea of not having patience, that can't eat, that can't sleep, that I'm lost without you, right? These are all feeding that dependency, you know. Another one, I think that's really important. There's a song I love and it's like, you know, the singer is saying, like, am I too late? Like, I hope I'm not too late. And I hear that and I'm like, no, you can't possibly be too late for anything meant for you, right? It's all just. It's unfolding. And so I just want you to know if it feels foreign to think of it in the way that I just explained and like, what goes through my mind when I hear these things now, that felt foreign for me too. Right? It felt very foreign for me too. And it's not totally as much fun, but I do think it creates way healthier relationships. And so, you know, we can go deeper in this kind of like personal responsibility. I spread that one out. We will go deeper in this. I do have an event coming where I'm going to be going a lot deeper. So it's free, it's on zoom. If you want to go deeper in that, at the end of this month, the end of July, just shoot me a DM on Instagram, shoot me an email through my website, however you want to, you know, flare rockets, like, whatever. I'd love to have you there again. It's free. I'm going to go deeper on this concept. But, you know, first thing is you got to get personal responsibility down, right? And that's going to include boundaries and triggers and capacity and awareness. Then you want to master the law of giving and receiving, right? The law of giving and receiving, which I've talked about a little bit. And then like from there within, giving and receiving, it's really, how do we co create these relationships? How do we allow Ourselves to give love. How do we allow ourselves to receive love? You know, sometimes our own habits, it's not even just dependency. Sometimes what happens is we wear ourselves down so much, we're burned out, we're burned out, we're burned out, we're burned out, we're beating ourselves up. And then that doesn't fairly translate to our partner, right? So how do we take personal responsibility and stop doing that and show up more powerfully? And this is why I believe doing the work is so selfless. So think about it. Like, think about different phrases that you hear. Think about what feels foreign about this. Like, this shouldn't feel comfortable. This shouldn't feel like natural, right? This is not natural to conditioning of our world, but this is actually natural to the intuitive side of our world, right? To the list of the conscious. Like, we're bringing it to the conscious forefront right now. And that's going to be weird. But notice how these things show up and notice, you know, what relationships do you feel it in the most? Is it with partners? Is it, you know, with family or parents, Is it with siblings? And each of those are going to be showing you something else, right? It could be comparison. It could be fear of not being worthy. It could be fear of not being loved. It could be shame. But it's going to be something on your end that's popping up and playing into this relationship. And then if you are someone who's doing a lot of the work and feeling like it's creating disconnections in your relationships, first think, of course it is going to create shifts. It doesn't have to be disconnections, but shifts in the way we relate to each other. Because I'm shifting in the way I relate to myself. Now, what's your expectation for your partner? Doesn't mean that they have to do the same thing, or your friend or your family. But how are you going to show up? How are you going to communicate with them? How are you going to make sure it's mutually fulfilling without trying to force or place or project what you think someone else should be doing or how they should be operating. Because that's not your pick, right? That's. That's their pick. But you get to decide is how you guys relate together, right? How you guys relate together. Again, this is a lot to get into. Thank you for showing up and even hitting on this. I hope I didn't ruin love songs for you. I might have. If there's one I totally ruined for you, I definitely want to know. Send it to me. I send my sorry, not sorry, because I believe that you deserve to understand what is at the root of a lot of complications in relationships, then you can best change it to feel your best because that's what you deserve. Talk soon.

Thank you all so much for being here at Grief and Guts as Layden's mom. Being able to spread the stories, the strategies, the lessons I have learned through Laden and from Laden is the thing that means the most to me in this world and allowing my daughter's short life to have long and lasting impact by shining her light. Truly, nothing means more if you align with and believe in the work that we're doing here in these messages. The best way to give back and to spread this out into the world is to rate and review on Spotify and on itunes. Thank you for taking just a moment to do that. Feel free to shoot me a message.

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