8: We need to talk about shame

Hello friends and welcome to Grief Guts and Green Smoothies. I am your host, Melissa Dugalecki and I am so excited to be here with you all to chat about ways in which we can all get through different adversities, challenges and loss and how getting outside of our comfort zone and maybe having a green smoothie or two can help us do so. Where we cover different topics ranging from interviews to recipes to sharing my own stories of my grief journey and the loss of my daughter Laden. And I'm honored to be able to share her light in hopes of helping you spread yours. Now let's dive in.

Today's episode is one of three that are speeches that I shared at the church that I belong to and it's the Unitarian Universalist Church in Boston, Massachusetts, which is a place that Layden actually led me to when I was eight months pregnant. Her father and I were skating on Frog Pond and he knows me well enough to know if he had asked me to stop skating, I likely wouldn't have. So rather than do that, while he was very nervous to have his unborn child skating around Frog Pond, he noted that there was a service at a church he had heard great things about that he would love to check out. And of course wanting to support that, I took off my skates and we walked for the very first time into Arlington Street Church and haven't looked back. The congregation so welcoming, open minded, and when Layden was sick we were unexpectedly very close to the church. Boston Children's Hospital is just a couple of miles away from the church, so initially thinking we wouldn't be regular attendees, that quickly changed and we were able to receive a lot of support from this congregation. They came in and they did Leyden's welcoming ceremony, her dedication ceremony and have been a part of this entire incredible grief journey. And the very first place that I began sharing about grief was there. I spoke at Leyden's memorial service there and then two years later it took me two years, I got up and I gave a speech about grief and I do it now every year around the anniversary of her loss and it feels really symbolic to get up there years after first speaking in this beautiful high pulpit at her memorial service to now get up and hopefully inspire others from my stories. So I hope that you enjoy these. They have a special place in my heart and would love to hear your feedback.

Swiss psychiatrist Carl Jung termed shame the swampland of the soul. The topic of shame is uncomfortable, far from glitzy and not overly popular at the dinner table, but these conversations need to transpire this morning. I invite you to join me on a spiritual journey as we trek through the swamps. Renee Brown has made a study of shame and defines it as the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging. Something we've experienced, done or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection. She elaborates, I think the fear of disconnection can make us dangerous, distinct from one another. Shame and guilt are emotional cousins. Guilt involves the awareness of having actually done something wrong. It arises as an indirect result of our actions and, interestingly enough, even from fantasies of actions. Guilt causes feelings of remorse and at times motivates behavior to choose differently. Shame is a painful feeling about how we appear to others and to ourselves and doesn't necessarily depend on our having done anything at all. Shame causes feelings of being small and of being worthless. In his paper A Theory of Human motivation, written in 1943, Abraham Maslow assigned the need for love and belonging as critical to among all human needs. The only needs ranked higher included the need for safety and shelter and food and water. Satisfying these more intangible needs is a prerequisite to the development of self esteem and confidence, which in turn is necessary to meeting one's potential. We are hardwired to belong and when this need is not met, functioning is hindered. It's no surprise that shame is highly correlated with self destructive behaviors including violence, addiction, depression, aggression, bullying, eating disorders and suicide. The Jason foundation was named in memory of Jason Flatt, who took his own life at the young age of 16. The group has worked tirelessly to build awareness and support around those at risk and the families impacted by suicide. Through their work, the foundation has discovered that nationwide more teenagers and adults die from suicide than from cancer, heart disease, aids, birth defects, stroke, pneumonia, influenza and chronic lung disease combined. In Massachusetts, suicide is the second highest leading cause of death for people ages 15 through 34. There are not nearly enough funds, resources or conversations dedicated to treating this epidemic. We need to start talking about shame and these conversations start with ourselves. Self shaming is all too prevalent. Like many things we do, it occurs habitually, without second thought. But would you ever speak to someone you love the way you speak to yourself? You're not good enough. If only you were smarter. You should make more money. Shame on you. Of course they don't love you. You're not deserving of a raise. You're too thin. Shame on you. You're too heavy, too short, the wrong size, shape or color. You can't shame on you. You're wrong. You don't fit. Why would you think you could do that? These are just a few of the many ways we all say to ourselves, shame on you. Shame thrives in environments of secrecy and judgment, but it cannot exist in places where love, acceptance and empathy are cultivated. I urge you to facilitate internal conversations in a way that forgives, that seeks understanding, and that is compassionate. When we struggle, fall, or feel less than adequate, can we remind ourselves to do the best we can with the resources we have and to keep moving forward? Let's remind ourselves you are worthy and you got this. When practiced internally, this voice becomes more natural to apply externally, even in the most challenging places. After all, you cannot sustainably give a resource to someone that you don't have for yourself. If we don't harness our own inner voices to shame less and love more, we can't possibly do so for others. As Brene Brown stated, the fear of disconnection can make us dangerous. Fear that without connecting to join the masses, you may become the next subject. Fear that if you don't take a loud stand against someone or something, you will be assumed to align with it. Fear that the only way to be viewed as large is to make another appear small. As a high school director of athletics, I often talk with my students about the concept of being a good teammate. I challenge them to think whether or not delegating the task of carrying equipment or giving privileges to veteran players is truly the mark of a strong team. On a strong team, there is pride in doing the small stuff, such as putting away equipment after a game or practice because you are contributing to your team. On a strong team, when a teammate struggles, you don't scorn at them or or suddenly stop competing. You encourage them to push and pull harder and carry the load while they can't. On a strong team, there isn't fear of failure. There is safety in taking risks, acceptance of the varying strengths each person possesses. On a strong team, we know a bad game doesn't define a person's abilities, their season, or their character. And on a strong team, you seek to build everyone up around you, knowing that together we are all stronger. While it is so easy for these athletes to conceptualize this on the field, I see the real struggles and challenges faced off the field. Maslow's study in 1943 that concluded we are biologically wired to belong was well before the days of wireless Internet, instant communication, numerous social media platforms, and a seeming obsession in our country with the failures, missteps, analysis and judgment of others. Scandals sell but the cost of shame is high. The media teaches that success is when others carry. The equipment teaches that pointing out the weakness of others may earn us more playing time. Teaches us to use the failures or struggles of others as a personal means to succeed. We need to shift these teachings. We can all be better teammates. Admittedly, I grew up in a bubble that left little exposure to different. And I was unaware of the impact of a lens that saw manufactured cutouts of either right or wrong. Our own human tendencies to categorize offers a way of making sense of the world. But as I navigated through life in my bubble, I learned to compare mine to others. If they aligned, we were right. If they were different, they must be wrong. Because if not, that would mean I was wrong. As my bubble and world began to expand, I realized that it's not categorized as good or bad, but rather different. And different doesn't come with a hierarchy or a label. Different is simply preference and choice. When I found myself on the outside of my own bubble, I felt deeply the impact of shame. A baby out of the conventional mold that my world accepted. I fell in love in a way not to the norm. The headline was enticing and addicting, but the reality was unknown. We were shamed, judged, ridiculed. Shame that led me to question if I was a good person, a good mother, and led me to a resolve to prove that I was in the wrong bubble. Did I shame my family, the people I loved most? Shame that instilled a doubt as to what I could achieve or if I had in fact, earned my own achievements? Shame that led me to wonder if I was worthy of my family, our name, and their love. Shame that stopped me from truly loving and embracing my truth for fear of further disconnection. Shame that kept me up at night wondering if I was seen differently. If seen for me, would my daughter Layden have been more loved, more celebrated? And I even wondered, still alive, A shame so powerful that when she died, it drove me to spend the last three years ensuring her life, legacy and impact would not be headlined by it. But I discovered this is an unwinnable quest, seeking to disprove perceptions, thinking that somehow I could open minds and expand the bubbles of others. We must use our internal voices to speak compassionately, and we must use our external voices to speak courageously. But we have no control over the fears, stories, or insecurities that drive the behaviors and conversations of others. Tabloids, Internet searches, and social media are not going to suddenly sacrifice sales to foster healthier and more empathetic conversation. The greatest quarterback in NFL history, Tom Brady, who is fortunately the quarterback of our New England Patriots, credits the book the Four Agreements with allowing him to stay focused and grounded despite media frenzies and attempts to find flaws, discredit his abilities and at times, personally insult him. The book's author, Miguel Ruiz, outlines four agreements named necessary to attaining personal freedom and happiness. The second of the four is do not take it personally. He writes. Whatever happens around you, don't take it personally. What others say and do and the opinions they give are according to the agreements they have in their own minds. The whole world can gossip, and if you don't take it personally, you are immune. Someone can intentionally send emotional poison and if you don't take it personally, you will not eat it. Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves. My beloved spiritual companions, it is normal to try to make sense of your own bubble and the bubbles of others. But we need not assign a hierarchy or a label. Different is beautiful. Our stories are ours to own. Embrace them. No matter how messy or different it may be. It is yours and you are worthy. We know that we all have a need to belong. Rather than leading with a fear of disconnection, let's lead with the courage to create positive, empathetic and loving connections. We are all worthy of acceptance and belonging. Shame thrives in secrecy. In order to disarm it, we need to start the difficult conversations, beginning with the conversations we have with ourselves. Then let's shake up the talk at the dinner table. Have the courage to make yourself large. Dance in the swampland. Be a teammate. You got this. Amen.