80: What Lasagna Teaches Us About Giving In Grief & Life

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Welcome to Grief and Guts. I'm your host, Melissa Dugulecki. It is my honor and privilege to serve you by sharing stories, tools, interviews, and strategies that will help you transition from what do I do now? How do I get through this? Those feelings of overwhelm and uncertainty to truly standing in your power. From my grief journey in losing my daughter laden in 2014, that I learned, practiced, was exposed to all these tools, but they are not grief specific. In fact, they apply universally to all of our unique situations. You've already done the hard part by showing up, by opening up to something new. So without any further ado, let's get to the good stuff that's going to help you in your journey. Let's dive in.

All right, guys, today I want to talk about why lasagna can teach you a lot about the law of giving and receiving and how you're showing up. Now think about, you know, it's pretty stereotypical after somebody passes that, you know, we make lasagna and we bring that over to the person who's grieving. And, you know, that's become a common way of helping. And when we feel powerless and we don't know how to help, it can be a default. It can be a go to. Maybe it's not lasagna, right? Maybe it's shepherd's pie, right? Maybe it's macaroni and cheese. Tends to be comfort foods, tends to be things in a casserole dish that can be easily repeated. All good reasons for these things. But I want to talk about what actually shows us at a deeper level. So if you have ever felt like, why is this person not giving me love or support? And this could be in grief or not, or if you've ever felt like, why does this person not feel my love or support? I'm going to break it down through lasagna for you now. You ready? Get excited. So when we are giving that lasagna dish, what we are essentially saying is, I love you, I support you. I don't know how to help you. This is how I'm giving you love, right? This is how I'm giving you love. Now, if you're on the other end of it and you're receiving that lasagna dish, but let's say you don't do gluten or you don't do dairy, or maybe they brought you like a sausage lasagna, and you, you don't do sausage, then you're not really going to receive that in a way that feels helpful. So somebody's Giving a lot of effort, a lot of love, but you're maybe not receiving it that way. So this applies way beyond grief, Way beyond grief. And I want to encourage you to think about, am I giving in a way that aligns with that person wants and needs, or am I giving in the way that I know how to. Now, guys, there's nothing wrong with having the best intentions and making a lasagna. Like, I don't want anyone to think like, oh, my gosh, I brought a lasagna to, you know, the Smiths last week. Like, I'm a terrible person. No, you're an amazing person. What I want is for you to think about how you're giving in a way that the Smiths are going to totally receive and grow from the way that you're giving. This came up when I was coaching and giving and receiving, and one of the women that I work with said to me, well, you know, one of the things I hate is on a wedding registry when people just want all of these gifts that I don't really want to give them. And I said, like, I got that. Like, I get that too. But when you're giving, it's not about what you want to give, it's not about what you want, it's not about what makes you feel good. That's not giving, right? So we want to really understand. So I said, if you really want to give, you give them the stuff on that registry and perhaps you write a card or you add or include supplementary, something else that feels more unique to you. Bottom line is that's how they've said, please celebrate our love this way. And so if you want to celebrate their love and really give, that's the way to do it. And I know that this applies so, so many, so many ways. I was working with somebody who felt like their significant other was not giving to them, was not giving to them. And when we broke it down, it turned out that he was giving, but he was giving in a way that she didn't want to receive. That wasn't the type of exchange of love or connection that she wanted. So she felt like he was giving nothing. He felt like he was given a shit tonight. Then she was upset, then he felt unappreciated. So this is why this stuff really matters. Because when we understand it, then we're able to avoid unnecessary angst, unnecessary complications, unnecessary frustration and damage to relationship. When you're really trying, right? You're really trying. So my goal is for you to understand this so that you think not only about how you give, but. But how you receive. And this is where I really want you to learn to be in the driver's seat, right? Learn to be in control of what's happening, what's transpiring, how we're giving, how we're receiving, because it makes a really big difference. Now think about it in terms of teammates. If you have listened to my teammates podcast, you understand that you can put your team together based on what you need. Now, there might be someone who's really, really good at making lasagnas, and that's what they want to do, but you don't want 15 lasagnas. So how do you let the person who. Their niche is, you know, making lasagnas. But then there's somebody else who maybe is really good at getting some tasks done, and there's somebody else who's a really good listener. How can you put them in positions to do those things, right, without everyone just defaulting to lasagnas because they think that's what we're supposed to do? And the next thing you know, you have 18 lasagnas and you're gluten free and you're like, shit. And now I feel even more alone and I'm hungry. So we don't want that to happen. We definitely don't want that to happen. No need to add hunger or loneliness on top of grief, which is already very emptying, depleting, and isolating, right? So if you're on the receiving end, how am I communicating what I want or need or how am I positioning people? Am I being clear now what I like about the wedding example? And I'll be honest, I first didn't love registries. I was like, but I want to be creative in what I give you. And it was like, this isn't about you. And if they don't give a registry, think about it, it almost comes back to lasagnas. If they don't create a registry where you check off what you've done, then they might end up with like, 97, I don't know, sets of china or wine glasses and none of the other stuff. So in a way, if you think about it, wedding registries take care of this problem of giving and receiving that exists in so many different aspects and facets of our lives. So how are you creating your own registry? How are you creating your own registry of what you want and need, how you want to receive? And then how are you letting people know this? Because, remember, people aren't mind readers. So the woman who I was working with, who Felt like her significant other wasn't loving or putting in effort. Had to take personal responsibility. Right. Previous podcast, and say, like, well, how am I communicating what I actually want? How am I communicating my expectations? Because he's not a mind reader, right? He's not a mind reader. And so he's. I'm not telling him. And then he's bringing out lasagna, and I'm like, I don't want lasagna. But he's like, I didn't know that. So how are we on the receiving end? Whether it's in grief, whether it's in anything, whatever you're going through, this could be with work. This could be in your personal life. This could just be you as a human. Right? How do you want to receive? Quite often, we're good at identifying how we don't want to receive. We need to think more about how we want to receive and how are we diversifying it out there with the people in our world, the people in our lives, so we don't end up with a billion lasagnas. Right? The second thing I want you to think about is, how am I giving in a way that's truly giving? How am I giving in a way that's truly giving? Now, this is so common. A lot of times we give in ways that still are about us. Why? Because we're humans with egos, and we're egocentric beings. We've got to break down that ego to do the work and show it powerfully. So two things I see happen very commonly here. We give to get. Right? We give to get. And so this goes back to. If you think of, like, high school, typical, you'll see this. And this is, you know, I used to be in high school, so I would see this all the time. And you would see, you know, somebody say, like, oh, I love your shirt, and then kind of pause and wait, and they were just waiting for the compliment back. So I don't know even know if she liked the shirt. She was just saying, I like your shirt. So then someone would say, oh, I like your shirt too. Where'd you get it from? Right? This can happen with giving gifts. This can happen a lot. When we're trying to pursue a relationship and we give a lot, hoping that that person then gives back a lot because, well, I gave that. Now you have to give back. When we choose to give, we are entering our own contract, our own agreement of, this is what I want to give to that person. We are not mutually signing something of saying, we're getting this in return, that's not giving. So how are you giving detached from outcome? How are you giving in a way where you're just dropping that lasagna? Maybe it's anonymous, right? Maybe you're just giving because you just want them to feel support, to feel love. But it's not about how you feel in the process. Now you can feel really good. I love giving. I love giving gifts. I love taking people out to dinner or doing nice things or surprising people. But I don't love it because of what I get back from it. I love it because of what I actually get from the process of it. Right, the process of it. In fact, you know, getting gifts. I actually personally think that sometimes it would be better if we didn't, you know, all open presents in front of each other, because then there's that weird, like, wait time of reaction and pressure, and I have to like it. And if we really just want to give, like, give it to the person and let them enjoy it as they want to enjoy it. But that's a whole other shift in our world, right? Second thing to think about in the act of giving is how are you giving in a way that they want to receive? How are you giving in a way that they want to receive? Right. If somebody says, I'm grieving, I'm having a really hard time. I could use some help working on this photo collage. And you're like, well, I want to help, but I don't want to do a photo collage. I'm going to challenge you. If you really want to give, you kind of do that photo collage or. Except I don't really want to give that much right now. You can. There's always middle grounds. There's always middle grounds. You shouldn't be, you know, depleted from the way that you are giving. You shouldn't be, like, stretched. You know, if I was asked to give in a way that I didn't have the capacity to, I wouldn't be able to. So you got to know your own capacity. But I'm talking the majority of things, right? That wedding registry, we don't want to give, you know, that. I don't know, the vegetable spiralizer or something. But that's what they really want. They really want that damn vegetable spiralizer. It's not about us. If that's what they want and we signed up to give, we want to give. We give that vegetable spiralizer because it's going to make them happy. That's what they wanted. That's how they've asked to Receive. So there is a lot we can learn about this whole habit and pattern and trend of just dropping lasagna at the door, right? When somebody passes, I want you to think about, how am I receiving? How do I want to receive? And then how am I giving? How am I receiving in a way that I'm aware of the different types of giving and love? How am I aware of what my needs are? How am I diversifying them? How am I being open that to some people they're giving and I may not even realize that they're giving? How can I actually open up to that? I see this a lot now in the work that I do. I just see energy, right? And so I will see somebody trying so hard to give love to someone. And that person doesn't see it because they are only on the lookout. They've got this tunnel vision. They're on the lookout for love to come a certain way, and somebody's banging on their head trying to give it the other way, and they don't see it. And then they're sitting there with their tunnel vision saying, no one loves me, or why doesn't my partner love me? How are we as receivers opening up to the expansiveness of ways of sharing love and energy? Right. Then how are we as givers giving in a way that's not about us? It's not about receiving something right back. It's not about getting that compliment back. It's not getting a gift in return. It's about truly giving and truly giving in a way that the other person wants to receive. Now, sometimes, sure, it can be in a way that makes you feel good. That's fine. But especially at times when somebody has asked for support or help, whether it's celebratory of a wedding or whether it's, you know, grieving, right. And loss, how are you doing so in a way that truly supports them, because when we do that, we put ourselves aside, we show up for others, and we're truly understanding what it's like to stand powerfully by, alongside and with somebody else. And we truly understand what it's like to stand by ourselves and be open to different ways of receiving. Because we are all worthy of love. We are all worthy of connection. We are all worthy of receiving. So think about it. And the receiving end, maybe you make your own mental little life registry, right? What are the things that you want to receive this week? How are you communicating them to people? How are you communicating them to people? And then who are the people that you want to give and show up for, right? How are you going to give and show up and let it feel good, right? It's not a dollar for dollar. It's not a minute for minute. There are so many ways of exchanging energy. You know, it's funny I say had I not learned this, I wouldn't be giving to my church, right? I donate a good amount to my church all the time and on paper I don't get money back, but I receive from my church in so many ways. So how are you opening up to the different ways of receiving? When you can learn to do this, guys, you will see all the love that is abundantly around you. Because I promise you, every single one of you, there is love abundantly around you. I hope this was helpful. This is something obviously I learned from my daughter Layden in my grief journey. And as always, I'm just super grateful to share the lessons that Layden has taught me in honor of her and to support you in your life so that you can feel your very best. And when you do, your light will shine and I know that my daughter Layden's light is shining right alongside yours as well. If this is helpful, please take a moment rate review. That's only going to spread the work. Shoot me a dm. You know I love hanging out on Instagram. I want to know what supports you. I want to know if you like making people lasagnas when they're grieving. I want to know if you hate wedding registries. I want to know if you feel like, you know, your boyfriend Johnny is not giving you love but you're curious as to maybe he is. Let me know. Let's keep this conversation going beyond the pod. I am so grateful to be here with you guys and we'll talk soon.

Thank you all so much for being here at Grief and Guts as Layden's mom, being able to spread the stories, the strategies, the lessons I have learned through Layden and from Layden is the thing that means the most to me in this world and allowing my daughter's short life to have long and lasting impact by shining her light. Truly, nothing means more if you align with and believe in the work that we're doing here in these messages. The best way to give back and to spread this out into the world is to rate and review on Spotify and on itunes. Thank you for taking just a moment to do that. Feel free to shoot me a message.

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