89: Your Grief (and Life) Depth Chart

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Welcome to Grief and Guts. I'm your host, Melissa Dugulecki. It is my honor and privilege to serve you by sharing stories, tools, interviews and strategies that will help you transition from what do I do now? How do I get through this? Those feelings of overwhelm and uncertainty to truly standing in your power. From my grief journey in losing my daughter laden in 2014 that I learned, practiced, was exposed to all these tools, but they are not grief specific. In fact, they apply universally to all of our unique situations. You've already done the hard part by showing up, by opening up to something new. So without any further ado, let's get to the good stuff that's going to help you in your journey.

Let's dive in. Welcome back everyone to Grief and Guts. I am your host, Melissa Dugalecki, and today we are talking depth charts in your personal life. Now, I'm sure many of you have become familiar with depth charts in different capacities, maybe in our environment, maybe in finances, maybe in work or in your jobs. But I want to talk about how I discovered this in my grief journey and how it can relate to not only in grief, but in your life. So let's dive in.

All right, so depth charts are really.

Important in your grief and also I think something for you to consider in your life, right? In your life journey. And I keep bringing this up because as I talk about topics that are more relevant to life and growth, I want to remind you that life and grief, if you are grieving, if you have experienced a loss, they are interconnected, you cannot untangle them. Right? So we're beginning to just kind of expand our definition of grief, but also to encounter or really include grief within our definition of life. Because the reality is, is that loss and grief is one of the only inevitable things in our lives, unfortunately.

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But that's why you guys showing up here and us having these discussions and us talking about these things is so important. When we let go of the expectation that we're going to go through life completely comfortable, pain free, without experiencing loss, well, at least then we take the shock factor off when it happens because it is inevitable. Whether it's a job loss, a relationship loss, the loss of a life, a loss of a future you envisioned, a loss of your own identity or the way you relate to yourself, loss is.

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It's pretty much. It's a certainty.

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It's a certainty. Now the other aspect of that is certain times those losses allow us a rebirth.

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They allow a rebirth. And interestingly enough, at this time, as we're going from Libra season to Scorpio season. I've gotten more into astrology these past few months. We are rebirthing, right? It's. It's kind of the tear down of things that don't serve us well and then the buildup of things that do. So if you're feeling that energetically, that is why, right? That is why. We've got a full moon coming on Saturday. We've got Dia de less Muerte, which is a thinning of the veil. We've got Libra into Scorpio season. We've got Halloween. We've got all Mercury's in retrograde. I feel like when is it not in retrograde this year? But all of these things are going to impact our energy. So if you're feeling it, guys, that's. That's fine, right? Bring this awareness, right? Especially if you're in loss or grief, like in the depths of your journey, you might even feel it even more, right? Because it's kind of like having a magnifying glass on this stuff. It's like having a magnifying glass. So what I really want to do is talk about how we integrate depth charts into our grief and life journey. And it's funny, I just wrote about this on Instagram, of course, and if you guys haven't seen it, I did change my handle to mindset and Malbec, bringing a little lightness, a little play. I realized that my zone of genius and where I best support people isn't actually just in grief or in gut health. It's really in our mindset that helps us navigate our gut health and helps us navigate grief. I also try to bring lightness to really heavy stuff. So, you know, that's what it is. We'll see how it lasts. But if you're wondering where I went, that's where I am. And actually, next week I'm going to have an episode that talks about a lot more about our relationships with alcohol and just substances in general. Through grief and through life.

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Through grief and through life. So stay tuned for that. It's a pretty vulnerable one, one that I'm actually a little bit nervous about, but I think it's really going to serve you guys well. So depth charts. So I remember when I was first, you know, after I first lost Layden and I was working with my grief coach, Kendra. If you haven't heard our podcast together, it's about six months ago. I highly recommend it. Just shoot me a message if you guys want an entire list of my Grief episodes, like the grief 101, 102, 103, or we have, I think it's called freshman JV and varsity, right? So my podcast editor and I, hey, Andrew, he came up with the idea of having grief playlists. So I think we went like the freshman one, the JV one and the varsity one. Or maybe it's like PhD or something, I can't remember. But we've got three levels of grief episodes to help you find them more EAs. So if you want those, please, please, please message me. If you want them for people you support, please message me. But depth charts are really important because what we want to recognize is not everybody needs to go into our deepest parts, right? Our deepest selves. And not honestly, not everyone should. Or where's the sacredness in that? Where's the sacredness in that? And I first started thinking about this in grief because I was always very open. I was four year class president, I was captain of my college team, I was in schools and I kind of thought like, we just needed to tell everyone everything, right? I probably, I definitely struggle with boundaries in my own way. And I almost felt like I had to self report everything all the time to people. Like, they had to know for me to be worthy or approved. And like in hindsight, like, no, Melissa, you didn't need to, you know, there's a beauty in privacy. But that was something that I had to kind of figure out and I did so through my grief. So I remember when I was working with my grief coach and counselor and we were talking about having different responses for different people. So a simple question of, how are you doing?

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Somebody who I don't really want to go deep with, right? They're going to be, let's call like a level one, you know, I might just say I'm great, thanks, how are you?

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Level two, I might say, like, I'm kind of having a hard time, but, you know, it's getting better and I appreciate you asking and how are you doing? How are things with you? And a level three, I'm going to be really honest and raw, like, hey, I'm struggling. Can you hold some space for me? Can you hold some space for me? Now you might have a few different levels. I divided it into three and it also played very well into a recent post that I did, which I'll get into in a second because it's pretty interesting. But you know where we specifically practice this too was if somebody asked, do I have any children? Do I have any children? And that was One that I was very anxious about. Very anxious about. And so for me, you know, guys, there's no right or wrong. Some people really do protect themselves by saying that they don't if they've lost their only child or that they only have one or two if they have one or two children who are living. And that's a choice they make. Now, for me that I couldn't get myself to do that. So what I did for level one is it might be, I would either say, like, not with me or not currently presentation, or I would say my daughter would be, you know, six. Can't believe Lena would be six, but my daughter would be six would be the answer, really, for level one. Level two, I might say something along the lines of, you know, oh, thank you for asking. My daughter passed away. She would be six. I really appreciate being able to say her name. So I'm going a little bit further. Right. And then somebody level three that I want to take even deeper, I might say. I'm really glad that you asked. I actually lost my daughter. It's been really hard. I appreciate you holding space for me to talk about it. Now, typically, if somebody doesn't know me and they're asking if I have any children, they're going to be a level one, right? They're going to be a level one. But what that really helped me understand was the different depth levels that we can take people and the different responses we can curate based on where we want to let them in. And this is boundaries, right? This is boundaries in practice. Am I lying in any of these? No. Am I protecting myself? Yes. Am I being transparent? Yes. Am I honoring my own needs? Yes. Am I also honoring where that other person's at and what they really are looking to receive? Absolutely.

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Absolutely. I'm certainly honoring that. So understanding this is like a really, a really important concept in our own levels of depth and in our own levels of where we want to take people and where we want to go. So recently I wrote a post that played this game with my friends. I never played it before they introduced. It's called three Questions. And it's supposed to tell you a lot about yourself. And one of the questions is, what's your favorite body of water? And why? If you guys want to know the other two, message me. I'll send them to you. It's fun. And I'll send you what they all mean. But so what's your favorite body of water? And I thought about it first. I said, like, you know, maybe interlock in Switzerland. Or maybe Cape Town, South Africa. And then I was like, no, no, no, no, no. 100% Nantucket. 100% Nantucket. And they were like, really?

Why?

And I was like, well, you know, it's not where all the tourists go, right? If you're from Massachusetts or New England area, like, everyone goes to the Cape, right? That's the quick stop. It's on the land. You don't have to get on a boat to get there. You can take a boat there, but you don't have to, right? You can drive there. And it's the most crowded area. And it's where you know you're going to run into the most people. Randomly run into them. Accidentally run into people, whatever it may be. It's great. I love it, love it. Spent time there this summer, which is wonderful, right? But then the next stop off of the Cape. So now think Cape. Level one, right? Level two, we got Martha's Vineyard, right? Takes a little bit more effort to get there. Takes a little bit more effort, right? You might run into some people randomly, probably not as much. You're also going to get some privacy. It's a little bit more spread out. You got to get on the boat to get there. It's a whole extra 45 minutes or an hour or whatever it may be. So Martha's Vineyard is kind of that mix, right? That mix and then the intact, that's a whole other hour out. And if you want it to Nantucket, like, you got to put in the effort. This is not a quick stop, right? This is not a quick stop. This doesn't just happen by accident. This isn't out of convenience, right? This isn't out of convenience or because it just so happened to be there, right? Nantucket is intentional. Nantucket takes effort, right? Nantucket takes thoughtfulness, right? You have to make the decision that you want to go there. You don't just wind up there, you know, randomly, but when you get there, it's vast, it's serene, it's private, it's powerful, it's healing, it's spacious. And you really have this space for this deep intimacy and connection and reprieve. And so what I shared in this post was that my voice on social media is much more Cape Cod and Martha's Vineyard, right? I share things that people might stumble upon. That resonates with them. Sometimes I go deeper. You guys know, I love that people can be intentional about following or they might just find it. I choose to use my voice for things that are going to serve. So I purposefully Only use my voice to teach and coach and educate and empower and then to show it's possible, right? And to be Layden's advocate. So I talk about neck, I talk about grief, right? To be Laden's advocate. And then for others in mindset, I teach and coach actual strategies for them to see what's possible for themselves. But the depths of me, right, the depths of me, like those are in Nantucket, right? Those are in Nantucket. And while sure, I could bring them all to the forefront, one, that's going to lose the sacredness of them, and two, it's no longer going to be a reprieve for me because when I show up here, when I show up on social media, when I show up at speaking events or webinars or coaching events, I am showing up to serve. I am shelfing my own thoughts, My phone is away. I am not thinking about email, not thinking about anything. In order to do that sustainably, I have to integrate my own reprieves, my own safe places, my own spots where I can be held and keep a level of sacredness to them and also honor. Just because I've chosen to make my life public doesn't mean that's what my family wants, my brothers want, my parents want, my. My best friends from growing up want, relationships that I'm in want. So it's honoring all of that, too. So what I really want you to think about is in your grief journey, in your life journey, what are your depths, right? Who fills your Cape Cod? They're important people. You bounce into that, you network with that, you collaborate with that, you have fun with, or new ideas, they're going to expand you, they're going to bring you joy, you're going to serve them. Who are the people on Martha's Vineyard, right? A little bit more effort, you have to go a little bit further. It's a little bit of a mix of convenience and depth. And then who are your people all the way in Nantucket that can hold you in your darkest, hardest moments? What we don't want to do, and this plays into teammates, what we don't want to do is we don't want to look to people on the Cape to be able to hold us at a depth of the people in Nantucket because they don't have that capacity. And sometimes we want to do that, right? We want that random person in the store, we want that random person at the restaurant to just hold us in our deepest, most broken self, right? But really, really, really, who are the people that you can go further with and how can you lean into them. So I hope this is helpful to think about.

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I hope this ignites some journaling in you.

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Go ahead and do your own depth chart. Do your depth chart in two different ways. Responses and information that you share with people.

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Responses and information that you share and then also the depth of relationships that you connect with. And what are these different layers? What are these different levels? How can you love all three of them? Not have it be right or wrong?

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Absolutely love all three of them and just honor that they serve you differently. Honor there's no better or worse, but make space for them to be their own kind of authentic energy space. And that's going to allow you to get so much more out of them. And for the people on your islands or on land, whatever it is, to get so much more out of connecting with you too. And that is a beautiful thing. So thank you guys for being here. Thank you for showing up. Thank you for me, you know, allowing me to be Layden's advocate and mom and share these lessons because I'm a teacher at heart, I'm a coach at heart, and it's my goal to be able to share these things, to teach and coach you to feel your best, to level up in your relationships, in your life. Anyways, I can support you. Please reach out on IG mindset and Malbec and I will see you guys soon. Peace.

Thank you all so much for being here at Grief and Guts as Layden's mom. Being able to spread the stories, the strategies, the lessons I have learned through Layden and from Layden is the thing that means the most to me in this world. And allowing my daughter's short life to have long and lasting impact by shining her light. Truly, nothing means more if you align with and believe in the work that we're doing here in these messages. The best way to give back and to spread this out into the world is to rate and review on Spotify and on itunes. Thank you for taking just a moment to do that. Feel free to shoot me a message. Let me know what you want to hear more of, what you want to see more of. I am here to serve. I'm grateful to do so and I'm cheering you on in your journey, as always.