9: Three strategies to feel stronger and build your emotional fitness

Hello, friends, and welcome to Grief Guts and Green Smoothies. I am your host, Melissa Dugalecki, and I am so excited to be here with you all to chat about ways in which we can all get through different adversities, challenges and loss and how getting outside of our comfort zone and maybe having a green smoothie or two can help us do so. Where we cover different topics ranging from interviews to recipes, to sharing my own stories of my grief journey and the loss of my daughter, Layden. And I'm honored to be able to share her light in hopes of helping you spread yours. Now let's dive in. Welcome back, friends. I am really excited to dive back into some more current content. Last week's episode was a really important topic and I received a lot of feedback on it. I do believe it's one of the more challenging and also one of the more important things to talk about and that's shame. So if you haven't listened to that yet, give it a listen. I'm just really talking about disarming the power of shame. I'd love to hear your thoughts and thank you all so much for the feedback. And I think that just is a testament to shame is something universal that we may carry at different times in different ways, but regardless of when or how it hinders growth. Right? And so talking about it disarms it. And shame and grief are very, very much connected. There is a lot of guilt and shame that can layer around grief, particularly for out of order losses. So those losses that you feel a sense of responsibility for, for me, it was losing weight and I'm supposed to be taking care of her. So just think it's a fascinating topic and one we'll continue to talk about. But today we are going to be talking more about emotional fitness and, you know, understanding what that means. And I thought about this a lot this morning, actually, when I was planning to record something else for this, this week's podcast episode and I was trying to think of what to share and I looked down on my phone and there was a message from somebody thanking me for hosting this space and how much it had helped her in her grief experience. This particular day was a very close family member's birthday and he passed away a few years ago and they were very close. And she said this was the first time she had let space in for her grief and that she was processing and really understanding what was happening around her. And I thought this is just a sign from the universe to dive in a little bit more here on that process. So today I'M going to talk about how life that has changed for me, how over time, really transitioning from I was completely afraid to share to now, obviously sharing very openly to the fact where I speak about it in public venues, I apply it in the life coaching work that I do, and then I hold space here on the podcast for it. So a huge shift. And so I'm going to be talking about three different strategies, three different things that helped with that transition. And just to give you a little glimpse as to how far this transition has come. The spring after losing Leiden. So it had been about nine months since she passed. I remember so clearly sitting in my grief coach's office and just looking at her, like wide eyed, shaking. I can honestly, I mean, this is trauma. I can feel that shakiness. I get the knots in my stomach and looking at her and saying, you know, what do I say? And she looked at me and said, well, what do you feel comfortable saying? And we were referencing a run club that I was looking to join. I was trying to build my world. I was trying to regroup. You don't ever recover. We've talked a bit on this show about building our world right in grief as a strategy. We can't make grief smaller, but we can make our world bigger. And that's a huge strategy. So she was coaching me through this. And one of the things as I was preparing for the marathon, I was living in the city, was joining a run club. So this was marathon sports in Boylston, and this was the place where I felt really safe and kind of like a great place to start. But the biggest hang up I had was, was that fear of if somebody asked me do I have any children or why was I running the marathon. I was so afraid to tell them my truth. And there was a few parts to that. One is I didn't want to burden them. I felt like this truth is so heavy, I can't possibly put this on them. The other one was, what will they think of me? Like, I felt as though I was like, kind of contagious, like I had this disease, you know, as a bereaved mom, like people would be afraid that they were going to catch it. And the other was that it made it that much more real. You know, I was living it every day, but every time I shared it and told it, it became more real. And that felt like too much for me. I kind of wanted a space, a place to not feel that. And so my coach really worked with me on different options and different points and different times. I had about or five different responses that I really rehearsed. And I had to rehearse these at length to feel comfortable and confident, to be able to then respond in the moment. Now fast forward and I am preparing to speak at Yoga Reaches out this coming April. I'm so excited about it. If you don't know about Yoga Reaches out, it is a fundraiser. It's this great, great effort. This woman, Sarah Gardner, local here, has been kind of the brains behind the operation, but it is at Gillette Stad, so of course I get to be closer to my hero, Bill Belichick. It is yoga mats rolled out, which, as you know, I love. And it's all about raising money for Children's Hospital and talking about the work we do on our mats and the important work we do in supporting, you know, growth for children, patients, families of the hospital. So all things near and dear to my heart, but the woman who couldn't go to Run Club, a free run club, for fear of somebody asking if I had any children or why I'm running the marathon, is now standing up on a stage in front of a thousand or so people to share my story as a bereaved mom, as Laden's mom, as a family of the hospital. So looking back for me and for other people I have spoken with, it's a lot of never would have thought that was possible. And so I'm going to share three strategies that I think are really important for making that transition. But before I do that, I want to offer take a second hit pause, whatever you need to do, but think of the limiting beliefs in your own life, things that you think are not possible, and reword them. They're not. They don't feel possible right now. It feels overwhelming. Whatever that may be, that may be true. But let's take away that this could never happen. Let's take away that that's not possible. Let's start striking out these limiting beliefs because you don't need them. They hold you back. You are so darn powerful. Growth is so darn possible. I do not want the difficulty around envisioning it or feeling it in this particular moment to stunt your ability to get there. And if we give weight to these limiting beliefs, it will. So hit pause, do what you got to do, but write down these limiting beliefs and then rewrite them because they are not your truth. They are not your truth. They are the truth of fear, of worry, of sadness, of whatever trauma it may be. They are the truth of those energies, but they are not your truth. As a Human as a soul who can progress and grow. So rewrite them. And now that you've done that, you probably feel a whole lot lighter, right? You probably don't need to do anything else. But I want to pack in the value for you and you guys listening. I so appreciate it. I love being able to share Layden's light as you know. And so these are three different things I just want to share. So the first one is embracing the idea and the concept of emotional fitness. So embracing the concept of emotional fitness. And I really want you to think about that because so often most people here who have attempted workouts or an exercise regime or trained for some event or a 5k, a half marathon, a 10k, maybe some other type of physical activity event understands that there's an entire process and you need days of push and you need days of recovery and you need days of somewhere in the middle. But most importantly, you gotta keep having the days of putting in the work. Emotional fitness is no different. We can't expect to do one workout and be ready to run that marathon. We can't expect to do one workout and see a change in our muscles. We can't expect to take one day to devote to emotional fitness and become better feelers. One of my favorite things I've heard is in order to feel better, we have to become better at feeling. And this all starts with emotional fitness. So if you are seeking to transform in your goals, in your lives and whatever it is, step one, embrace. Understand emotional fitness. And just like after a hard day of physical fitness, we need a recovery day. After a hard day of emotional fitness, we need a recovery day. I was speaking with a woman this morning who runs an amazing site where people, women share really vulnerably. And I was talking to her about the real depth of that vulnerability hangover, right? And I know I'm going to have that vulnerability hangover. But I'll tell you, I used to feel that vulnerability hangover after a run club. I would never feel that there anymore. I shouldn't say never. It's a limiting belief, right? It is unlikely or uncommon that I would feel that now from a run club and sharing my truth. But I'm pretty sure I'm going to feel it after yoga reaches out. But I'm okay with that, right? In a way, I've built up my tolerance, I've built up that muscle. Just like sometimes if you're a runner, that first three miles feels really hard and then in time, three miles feels like nothing. As you know, I'm Currently training for the marathon. And somebody on my team this week as we were doing 21 miles, said, can you believe that 10 miles once felt long. Now that's a short run. It's the same thing with our emotional fitness. So step one, buy into the concepts and the belief of emotional fitness. Because if you want to become a better feeler, that's a non negotiable. All right. The second strategy is letting go of the word should. This is something I talk at length about Much. And I work it into our program, our group coaching move with Much and Mel, where we coach people in mind, body and belly. Something I do in my life. Coaching, it's something that's huge in grief. It's something I had to do myself. So I understand how hard it is. But if we are going to move forward, we have to let go of what something should have looked like, what something should have gone like. Whether it's as simple as weekend. Maybe you didn't get in your workout or you didn't have meals the way you planned to, or you didn't get as much accomplished as you want to. If you're going to move forward, come Monday or Tuesday or whatever your week looks like, you've got to look forward. Take everything that transpired as feedback. Take all of the learning, the growing, the processing there is to do with you. Let everything else go and move forward. And for me, that's been huge. It's not saying forget it. I don't ever forget Layden and obviously, but I take all the learning, the growing, the processing to do from her life, from her lessons, from her light, from my grief journey, I carry those with me. But all of the stuff that isn't going to allow me to move forward and shine her light so brightly, I have to leave behind or I'm not going to grow. I'm going to stay very stuck. And that's hard. It could be something as simple as we can plan. It could be something as long, you know, more intricate, as longer than that, or as intense as loss. These are all just different manifestations of how we need to take with us. The learning, the growing, the processing, the feedback. It's all important. Not saying these things don't matter, but we got to take what we can from them to grow and let everything else go. And by doing so, we're actually honoring our challenge by shifting it to an opportunity for growth. It's a lot to think about there. And the last one, probably no surprise. I say it all the time. I live it is we've got to find supports for our growth. Now I want to be really clear. I talk a lot about coaching. Obviously, you know, I'm a big believer in it. I've had a grief coach, I've had a personal development coach, business coach. Currently I have a few different coaches I work with and I'm a coach myself. But you know, there are different ways to do it. You can do it in a group setting, right? You can find that kind of hybrid or you can do it at home. Think of it as physical fitness. You can get up every morning and do an at home workout. You can research and you can read and you can find resources that are going to allow you to do this growing from home. So this is where I encourage you to really dig deep and think about how you know yourself and what you need. Because trying to do it all on our own not only is a setup for, you know, not failure, because I don't believe in failure, but it's a setup for challenge, right? Because we can't possibly see all different perspectives from our own view. We just can't. So it's this very enlightened, very wise, very humbling approach to be able to say these supports are going to help me grow. And the more I grow, the more I can help other people grow. Think about that. The more we grow, the more we can help other people grow. And so knowing yourself, right, whether it's like your physical fitness, your emotional fitness, maybe you do really well reading, listening to books, listening to podcasts, doing workouts on your own, doing activities, finding those things, maybe you enjoy that process and that's great. Set up a structure that you can do that. Whether you commit X amount of days a week to your emotional fitness workouts, maybe you do better in a group, accountability and then some follow up on your own, or maybe you really benefit from the one on one. I can tell you personally, I've done all three and I will continue to do all three. They all serve me in different purposes. Sometimes the one on one is the most significant in my life. Sometimes the independent work is the most significant in my life. So it's not a matter of a certain type of growth support. It is just your type. A type. But what we don't want is no type because without that we are really limiting and hindering our ability to grow. And I believe wholeheartedly we are meant to be in this world, to grow, to learn and to love. I am grateful to have learned all of those things from Leighton and very grateful to share all of them with you. So let me know what you think of that if you have questions. You know I love Instagram. You can find me on there guts and grief. You can also find me at my website griefandguts.com I know the wordage is flipped on both of those but it works. You can find me either way I am sure. Let me know what you think. Let me know what's most helpful, what you want more of. I am here to support, to serve, to shine light insight. But I want to do it in a way that's truly valuable and meaningful for all of you. And I'm excited to say that I do have guests coming on. I'm sure you're all tired of hearing just my voice. I have some exciting interviews coming up. I want to introduce you to other kind of grief and gut warriors. You can hear their stories because they have certainly inspired me and I am very confident they will inspire you. Thank you all for tuning in. Keep on moving forward, doing your best, one breath at a time. And don't forget to you got this. Talk soon.