90: Real Talk - Wine or Wine Not, In Grief (and Life)

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Welcome to Grief and Guts. I'm your host, Melissa Dugulecki. It is my honor and privilege to serve you by sharing stories, tools, interviews, and strategies that will help you transition from what do I do now?

How do I get through this?

Those feelings of overwhelm and uncertainty to truly standing in your power. From my grief journey in losing my daughter laden in 2014, that I learned, practiced, was exposed to all these tools, but they are not grief specific. In fact, they apply universally to all of our unique situations. You've already done the hard part by showing up, by opening up to something new. So without any further ado, let's get to the good stuff that's going to help you in your journey.

Let's dive in. All right, guys, we have been talking a lot, actually, about the business side of things, and we've been talking a lot about life growth and coaching. And, you know, I've been sharing about how different parts of my journey are related, intertwined.

Right.

Grief and life. And I think too often we try to separate those. Like, it's either grief or life. And if you are coping with loss, grief is just a part of your life.

Right.

It's. We don't want to make it one or the other. This is your reality. This is the new way in which we're living. And I hate the term new normal, but it somewhat applies, though it never quite feels normal.

Right.

Not having Laden doesn't feel normal for me. So what I want to do today is I want to dive into a topic that's a little bit more sensitive. And I know that's something that we do often here. So we're going to just stay on brand and go ahead and do that, but we're really going to talk about how alcohol can integrate or not into a group journey. And my thoughts on that, you know, I. I recently changed my Instagram name from Grief and Guts to Mindset and Malbec, and that prompted a lot of these discussions and a lot of my thoughts. So without any further ado, we're going to just. We're going to get raw. We're going to do it. Let's dive right on in. All right, guys, like anything, your relationship with alcohol is an energy vibration. And it's my approach to it and how I teach it is going to parallel and be very similar to how I teach it with anything else.

Right.

But I think this is important to talk about because there's a lot of shame and there's a lot of questions and there's a lot of judgment around this topic that we almost avoided. If you remember, about a month back or so, I had Dawn Canada on here and we talked a bit about this. Whereas she had been thrown the label of alcoholic, she had been going through her own trauma, which is grief, right? She'd been going through her own trauma, grieving the loss of really a normal childhood and a safe upbringing. And for a coping mechanism, you know, she shared very vulnerably and openly that alcohol was a tool for her. I never wanted to jump and say, this is, you know, alcoholism. And I've been working with clients more and more who have been saying, like, is this something I struggle with? And so I wanted to talk about it on here and be super honest about my thoughts, my approach, and also be very clear like that, you know, this is something to consult professionals on. This is something to really take seriously and not to handle lightly. But I do think it's important to talk about. So what I want you to think about is going back to square one. I want you to go back to the Bible, right? I want you to go back to our very basics. So the Bible is the energy chart that says everything either comes from a high vibration or low vibration. And these low vibrations are what we want to pull ourselves out of now by default, right? Alcohol is spirits, it's toxins. So it is chemically a lower vibration. Now, it doesn't make it good or bad. This isn't the terms that I use. It's what we want to be aware of, right? What we want to be aware of. So what I discovered was prior to my own grief journey, I wasn't very conscious about my relationship with alcohol. Wasn't really conscious about my relationship really with anything, right? I just went through the motions. I did what I thought I should do. I didn't really reflect. It was like you check things off the list, right? You go to high school, you go to college, you get a job, you do this, you get a car, you go out to bars, you get in relationships, you go shopping, here you go on your vacation here, you use 10 vacation days, whatever it is, right? It was just going through. I didn't actually think for myself. It wasn't something I had cultivated. Now when my world was shattered in grief, I had to completely rebuild it. And I chose to completely think for myself. So while I wouldn't necessarily have been, I definitely wouldn't been living this lifestyle for unforlayed in that I'm currently living, I trade it back. But again, I don't have that choice. So here I am. And here's what I've learned now when it comes to anything, and I teach this in move all the time. If you're going to have pizza or nachos or tacos or whatever your pleasure food is, what I want you to do is think about the value that you're placing on it. So we actually have a value chart that we use. We don't do calories, we don't do macros, we don't do keto, we don't do points or any of that stuff. We have a value chart that's energetic. So are you eating this food out of comfort? Are you eating this food out of joy? Are you eating it out of pleasure? Are you eating out of guilt, out of shame, out of fear, out of worry, out of exhaustion, out of lack of. Now, if you're eating it out of lack or exhaustion or joy, whether it's a salad or whether it's a pizza, I don't want you to eat anything. I don't want you to eat that salad because you feel lack, that you don't deserve something more. I don't want you to eat it out of fear. I don't want you to eat that pizza out of fear. I want you to energetically be in a place that is more aligned and is going to help you continue to grow and to ascend. So sometimes we eat out of fueling or nourishment or recovery or healing food. Sometimes it's joy and it's comfort and it's pleasure. And what I do is I have people really track the values in which they attach to the foods that they're eating. So if you're constantly eating for pleasure, well, then we have to look at like, okay, that's fine, but what is going to be the outcome of that?

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If pleasure for you are foods that are oily or high in fat or lacking nutrients. Now, for some people, pleasure foods are actually like kale and avocado. It depends, right? But if pleasure foods for you are ones that are lacking nutrients, well, then let's not have the expectation that you're going to feel highly energized and nourished. So it's really all about expectations in alignment. If you're constantly eating out of a place of nourishment or fear or control, let's not be surprised if you at times lash out and binge or if you go overboard because you are subconsciously acting out to this energetic misalignment of control and lack. So I want to first explain this concept with Food. Because I think it's really important. This is how I believe in anything. I don't think we should enter relationships out of lack or sadness or emptiness. I don't think we should take a job out of exhaustion. Like, when I coach people who want to change jobs, I'm like, all right, well, let's not go there out of exhaustion. Let's get you good first. Let's figure out what's going on. Then we'll make the decision on your job. So the philosophy in which drives this is way beyond, you know, a drink, okay? Way beyond any alcohol beverages. Now, where alcohol and drugs or any substances become trickier is they are more addictive. We tend to. Our decision making is altered. And sometimes, you know, we are not only risking our health, but we're risking the health of others. So these are serious things to think about. But on a principal level, like, on the basis of it, what I learned and what I believe in aligned with in my own grief journey is that if I am in a low vibration, I am going to avoid having alcohol. If I am having alcohol, I am in a high vibration of joy, of connection, of enjoyment, and, of course, being responsible. Now, this actually is kind of the story behind Move and 90 Day CEO, believe it or not. Because my brother Timmy takes me out for dinner and drinks every year for my birthday. It's kind of our tradition. And when he was going to take me out, I was in a low vibration. I was struggling in my grief. I was very, very, very much struggling. And I asked him, instead of this year going out for dinner and drinks, can we do a Barry's Boot Camp class? And he was like, are you kidding me? This is not his thing. He hadn't done one for a while, but he agreed. Instead, on a Saturday afternoon, we went to a Barry's Boot Camp fitness class because I knew that's what I needed. So what I want you to really think about is whether it is alcohol, whether it is a relationship, whether it is work, whether it is the food you eat, what vibration is it coming from? How is your relationship with that thing? How are you relating to food? How are you relating to a significant other? How are you relating to your job? Are you looking for those things to fill you, to numb you, to help you escape? If so, we want to avoid leaning on those things in those places. We want to get support, to work and fill ourselves within. If you're embarking on a relationship because it helps you ascend or it's out of joy, or if you're having A glass of wine or whatever, maybe a margarita in Mexico out of joy and experience and connection. Or you're changing jobs because you want to see what's possible. Or you're eating that pizza because you love it and you want yourself to be in this planet and earth to, you know, eat more than kale, or if you're eating kale because you really want to nourish your body and that feels good for you. That's what I want you to think about. That's what I want you to think about. This is a very sensitive topic. Everyone is going to have different experiences, and I want to hold space to honor that. What I really do want to do is look at that energetic level, that very basic level of am I in a high vibration or a low vibration when I'm making this choice? Am I doing it out of lack, scarcity, fear, shame, worry, guilt? Or am I doing it out of joy, connection, possibility, openness, expansion, ascension? These are things for you to tease out. And this is what the beautiful part of doing the work is. This is what the beautiful part is of discovering more about yourself, of discovering more about your needs. When we are hurting, it is very common to want to reach for something. And, guys, this can go beyond alcohol, right? This can go. We all know this. This can be other substances that are going to do this for you. You know, we all. It is very. It could be shopping, guys. It could be shopping. It could be Netflix. Do I think Netflix or shopping are good or bad? No, I love shopping and I don't really watch tv, but I, you know, I used to love a good Criminal Minds, you know, marathon. It's been a while, maybe I haven't watched. I actually haven't watched my TV since I've been in Mexico, which was September 1st. So I got a streak going here. But, you know, are those good or bad? Let's get away from these judgments and these categorizations of good or bad, and let's look at what energy is attached to it. Let's look at where we're feeling. Let's look at how it impacts us. Is shopping good or bad? No. But if we're shopping to feel an emptiness, we're shopping because we don't feel complete. If we're shopping to fill voids that we're not filling ourselves or allowing other people to help us feel.

Phil.

Right? That is not a healthy relationship with shopping.

Right.

If we're watching Netflix, to escape, to numb out, to avoid, to not allow ourselves to pursue our dreams or to form meaningful Connections with other people. That's not a healthy relationship with Netflix. So let's get away whatever these things are in our lives. Guys, please, please, please get away from good or bad, right or wrong. Start looking at alignment, Start looking at energy. This is where we find flow. This was something I had to work really hard on. And I had professional help to help me not only in assessing my relationship with alcohol or food, but with people, right? With shopping, with time. And the biggest thing I learned is when I am struggling, I need to sit with the shit. I need to sit with the shit. I need to sit with it. I need to let it come up. I need to let it come out. That's when I cry. That's when I run. That's when I journal. That's when I call my teammates on who are listeners.

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Listeners. Not the distractors.

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Not in those times. Go back and listen to the teammates episode if you're not sure what I'm talking about. But your listeners are really great for when that stuff is coming up. So I want you to think about this. I want you to really think about this. Let me know your thoughts. We can definitely jam on it more. And I know that there are going to be some people that this triggers, and that's okay. I'm willing to trigger people and be less popular if it means holding space for difficult conversations. Because I want you to think about whether it is a glass of wine. And it's funny. I'll just say this example before we wrap up here, but I had a client I was working with who really enjoyed having a glass of wine by herself at night. And she said she'd have one or two glasses of wine and she was feeling self judgment, and she was feeling this like, is there something wrong with me that I like to have a glass of wine by myself? And we broke it down. She's an introvert. She's an introvert. She would rather have that glass of wine or two at home by herself in her jammies on the couch with a candle and a book, then be out of the bar. And so what this led to is like, well, what vibration are you doing this from? And her vibration was a high vibration. It was an enjoyment for really good wine. It was an enjoyment for some time by herself. It was not forcing herself to go out and be at bars. It was not forcing herself to go out and be at restaurants or social things. It was giving herself that. That space, right? And so she shifted and was able to lift that judgment and that guilt because that judgment and that guilt is what actually can lead to overdoing in excess. Because now all of a sudden we feel judged and we feel guilty and we feel shame. Well, now what do we do? We reach for a coping mechanism. We reach for something to numb out or escape, and that's when we overdo it. So just like I tried to do in grief, we cannot grow in shame or guilt. I want you to think about this in the way that you relate to food, alcohol, shopping, Netflix, people, jobs. Are you cultivating relationships out of spaces of lack, scarcity, avoidance, numbing, distracting, validation, seeking worthiness, seeking someone to take care of your emptiness? If so, you've got to do the work in those places. You've got to do the work. If you're seeking and cultivating relationships in these places that are joy and fulfillment and connection and expansion and ascension and that are serving you well. They're not taking away from your goals. They're not depleting you. They're not distracting you or draining you energetically, or draining your relationships energetically. Well, then start to really look at the language that you use to alleviate guilt or shame or judgment and allow yourself to be. Allow yourself to be. I hope this was helpful and I really hope that you know this is not the final conversation for you in whatever the substance may be, whatever the relationship may be, whatever the person may be, this should be a continual examination because alignment is always changing, because we are energy, which means we are always in motion. So if we are always in motion, the way that we relate to things is always in motion. This is what I talk about in relationships and growth, right? Being able to really let go of permanency, right? Being able to enjoy present moment and where you're at. Remember, if we are always in motion, which we are, the way in which we relate to things and connect with things is always in motion. This is not a one and done. Stay aligned, stay aware, keep on growing, and let me know how I can support you.

Thank you all so much for being here at Grief and Guts as Layden's mother Mom, being able to spread the stories, the strategies, the lessons I have learned through Layden and from Layden is the thing that means the most to me in this world and allowing my daughter's short life to have long and lasting impact by shining her light. Truly, nothing means more if you align with and believe in the work that we're doing here in these messages. The best way to give back and to spread this out into the world is to raise, rate and review on Spotify and on itunes. Thank you for taking just a moment to do that. Feel free to shoot me a message.

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Cheering you on in your journeys, always.