91: Show Up For Your Pain - Here's How and WHY

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Welcome to Grief and Guts. I'm your host, Melissa Dugulecki. It is my honor and privilege to serve you by sharing stories, tools, interviews, and strategies that will help you transition from what do I do now?

How do I get through this?

Those feelings of overwhelm and uncertainty to.

Truly standing in your power.

From my grief journey in losing my daughter laden in 2014 that I learned, practiced, was exposed to all these tools, but they are not grief specific. In fact, they apply universally to all of our unique situations. You've already done the hard part by showing up, by opening up to something new. So without any further ado, let's get to the good stuff that's going to help you in your journey. Let's dive in.

Hey, friends, today we are going to be talking about the importance of showing up for your grief. And this is total flow and authenticity. I had scheduled. You all know how I feel about time blocking to record a couple episodes around entitlement and one on triggers today. And just before going to record, found out that my family lost my grandmother and that she has passed on. So it's really inspired me to think about how we need to show up for our grief. And remember, grief extends way beyond just the loss of life, right? Show up for our traumas, our challenges, our losses, our fears to show up at these times. So in honor of my grandma, this episode is for her. And I'm grateful to be able to dive in with you. So let's do this. All right. So my grandma, she was an amazing woman. She came here from Poland by way of England. She went through a lot in her life, you know, concentration camps, living through some really terrible times. And you talk about trauma. I think about her and think about how she didn't have the tools or resources that we have available to us now. Right? People weren't talking about trauma. They weren't talking about grief. They were talking about survival and moving forward and being tough and figuring it out and kind of quieting and minimizing all of our pain.

Right?

When you talked about your pain, it wasn't seen as courageous. It was seen as a weakness. And that inspires me now to talk about it even more.

Right?

And to inspire you to use the tools and the resources that you have available. Do not take them for granted. Because had I not shown up for my grief and if I didn't continue to show up for my grief, I would not be able to have this conversation. I would not be able to navigate another loss in my family the way that I will. And I will absolutely make space. I am making space. But for me, this is a way to honor her. And you know, what do I mean when I say showing up for your grief? And what I mean by that is literally making space for it. Many one on one clients that I've worked with and even in group coaching programs where we can go deeper in mindset, I coach them to time block in time for their grief. And I can think of one of my clients offhand, in the beginning, she was like, well, what do I do? And I was like, if you just need to sit there, just sit there.

Right?

In the beginning, it was just sitting there. And it evolved to some tears, it evolved to some journaling, then it evolved to deep tears, breath, work, sound, healing and true release.

Right?

True release. It's a process. Now, I shared a quote on Instagram recently from a healer that I've been working with here in Tulum, Mexico, Diego. I love Diego. And what he said was, nothing gets lost in the universe, everything gets transformed. Nothing gets lost in the universe, everything gets transformed. And I like to think about that with grief, right? Our grief isn't going to get lost, our grief isn't going to go away. But we do have the ability to transform it. And I like to think of myself as the conduit of transforming the traumatic loss of Leiden into her light, into her legacy, into learning, into support, into empowerment, into showing you and others the way of the bumps and the mess and the pain and the anger and the sadness and all of that. So when we show up for our grief, it is simply just making space for it as we start. Simply just making space for it as we go further into it. It might be studying it, it might be learning about it, it's leading with curiosity. Like think of an out of body experience where you pull yourself out and you observe what you're feeling, right? Are you feeling a loss of a life imagined? Are you feeling, why me? Are you feeling, how could this happen? Are you feeling, this shouldn't be the way it is, right? Or will this get better? How will this get better? So first, make space. Second, get curious. And you might not be ready to get curious for a little while. And that is absolutely okay. Absolutely okay. But as you are ready to get curious, you're going to learn. You're going to understand your grief and your pain so much more clearly, right? You're going to begin to understand yourself so much more clearly. And so what I want you to do in those moments is to think about how do you want to transform your Grief. How do you want to transform this energy that's there and offer that? Stuffing it down because that's what generations have done before us doesn't mean that's what you have to do. Stuffing it down because you're afraid it's uncomfortable for others isn't what you have to do, right? Many of you guys, you're here because I have chosen to talk about uncomfortable things, right? That's resonated with you, that's aligned with you. It's been refreshing or relieving for you to know that you're not alone. So, no, not everybody is going to want to sit in the depths of your grief, but somebody might want to and somebody might learn from it. As you think about how you want to transform your grief, take off pressure for it to look a certain way, right? You don't have to transform it like I do. For me, writing and speaking has always been my thing. Teaching and coaching has always been my thing. I have my master's in education. I spent a decade in public education as a teacher and a coach. I have always loved writing and speaking. Those are favorite aspects of my job. When I was teaching and coaching, I put me in front of groups of a couple thousand to lead and to speak and to educate. And I was as comfortable as can be. Put me at a networking event and I was as uncomfortable as could be. So, you know, those group, those group meetings, there's a purpose for those, right? Those community building, those sharing, there's a purpose for those. For me, I like to go deep, personally, privately, individually, right? And then I like to process what I've been able to do through my work of going deep and share it and teach. That's what I like to do, right? Consider yourself kind of like a little processor. Maybe for you it's art, right? I had a woman who I interviewed who has transformed the loss of her father into grief. Art, right? Maybe for you it's music. Maybe for you it's cooking. Maybe for you it's a purpose. Maybe it's charity. Maybe it's running a race in honor of somebody. Maybe it's raising funds, awareness, dedicating your time. Maybe it's picking up a cause or a contribution that was important to the person you loved and being able to carry that on in their honor. So think about how you want to transform it, right? You can't think about that though, until first you make space for it and second, you understand it. And you can only understand it by getting really curious about it and about yourself and then know it's always going to ebb and flow, right? For me, the Boston Marathon was a really important way that I showed up for my daughter. That I showed up for my daughter, but that's not a current way. I made the decision to give up my spot in the Boston Marathon before COVID hit, right before any of that. And the marathon was actually taken in the traditional way that it had been, but that no longer aligned with where I wanted to focus my energy and my time.

Right.

It was really important for me for five years. I did it five years after her loss, but I decided that that wasn't my way anymore and gave myself permission to do that. I know a lot of times people will start annual charities, golf tournaments, fundraisers, dances, and they feel a pressure to always carry them on. And I want to alleviate that pressure for you, because there is enough pressure around grief, right? There's enough pressure around grief.

And I want to share a little.

Story about what happens when you show up for your grief. That involves my grandmother. Because when we don't show up for our grief, loss creates more loss, trauma creates more trauma. Trauma can bring more loss.

Right.

And arguably, whether it's grief or trauma or challenges or adversity, it's already isolating and lonely enough. We do not need to add more isolation or more loneliness to it.

Right.

We don't have to add that. And so what do I mean by that? Well, the Christmas after, late and past, my grandmother had, you know, her memory had already been struggling. Now, this was back in 2014, and she came to Christmas and she saw me, and she looked at me right away and kind of beelined for me in the whole group. And she said, where is your baby? And because I was so much pain and I was so broken, it just sent me into tears. And I avoided my grandma for a long time after that, a long time after that, because I was so afraid to feel that trigger.

Right?

To feel that trigger again. Now, more recently, in the past couple of years, I found comfort. My grandma always sees my daughter Laden when I see her. It's so interesting to me. I told my aunt and uncle, when my uncle was with me the last couple times, nobody would believe it if they saw it. And I was so glad he was there because he said he wouldn't have believed it if he didn't witness it. And I went to visit my grandma, and she was in, you know, a facility that she was being cared for in. And I walked in and, you know, talked about being back and forth from California, and she said, did you bring your baby to California, well, where's your baby?

Right?

And it was like she looked at me and she just saw Laden and she was confused by that. And I really like to think that Laden, spirit and soul, that I carry her light, right? And that my grandma, who is sick and arguably beginning her crossover into the other world, saw Laden too. And it may have confused her. It might have confused her. And we kept trying to change the subject. My uncle intervened and kept trying to change the subject. And she kept coming back to my baby, to Layden. And we thought maybe this was coincidence. And the next time we went to visit her, it was the same, same thing. Where's your baby now? My grandmother never met my daughter Layden, right? Because of four months of her life, 99 nights were spent in Boston Children's Hospital. So not many people had the privilege of actually meeting Layden. And I'm so grateful for the people who did have that privilege. And I'm also so grateful for the people who didn't who still choose to get to know her, for the people who didn't have that privilege and still choose to celebrate her and. And honor her. Now, had I not shown up for my grief, I wouldn't have had those last memories with my grandmother. I wouldn't have had those last memories because I would have still avoided. And I want to share that because I guarantee if you are not tending to your challenges, to your traumas, to your heartaches, to your griefs, whatever it may be, you are avoiding. And if you are avoiding, you are compounding loss with loss. So let me be a voice and an advocate urging you in honor of my grandmother, in honor of those last couple memories I had with her to show up for whatever it is you need to show up for, whether it's by yourself, with a coach, a mentor, a support group, a counselor, whatever it may be, allow yourself the gift of showing up for. For it. Allow yourself to step into the courage of showing up for it. And know that when you do it, it is not weakness. Right? We are breaking those beliefs that have been handed down in our lineage. They were not handed down with mal intent. They were handed down because those were the only things that people knew how to do right, how to survive. We did not have the resources we have now. So honor those who have passed already. Honor the traumas you've gone through through honor those who are lights in this world doing the work to help us heal and allow yourself to heal. Allow yourself to heal. Healing is a choice. It's not an Easy one. It takes courage. It is so worth it. Because not only do you feel better, not only are you transforming that energy that is not lost in the universe. It's not lost. You are getting in the driver's seat to transform it to something that will create something bigger than you, bigger than you, beyond you, right? That will leave legacy, that will impact future generations and that will impact other people in your life. Because I am so grateful that my grandmother got to feel my love. Even if maybe she was confused, even if she wanted to know where my daughter was, even if she couldn't exactly articulate what was happening. I believe that the energy of love is stronger than words. I believe the energy of long is so much stronger than words. It is a language that speaks beyond articulation, right? It speaks beyond the way we articulate it, we feel it, we exchange it. It can be an undercurrent, it can be unsaid, it can be felt with the squeeze of a hand, it can be felt with a glance or a look. It can be felt in so many ways. Know that you deserve to not add loss to loss. And the only way to avoid doing that is to show up for your grief. Grief is defined beyond the loss of life here, right on this podcast, on this community, we define it beyond the loss of life. And so thank you for allowing me to share stories, celebrating and honoring my grandmother in hopes of helping and supporting and encouraging you to tend to whatever you need to tend to, not only for yourself, but for the other people in your life currently. So you do not have more grief or loss in those relationships, in those opportunities, in those experiences and even beyond that, so that you can transform the energy into something bigger than you and put it out in this world, put it out in the universe, know nothing gets lost and you are choosing to create or co create something beyond you. I am sending you so much love as you do. Thank you for showing up, thank you for your courage. And if you have questions about how you can transform this, where to start, please reach out to me right on Instagram, new handle, mindset and Malbec. Reach out on email griefandgutsmail.com whatever it may be, I'm here to support. And especially right now, more than anything, it is beyond me. It's beyond laden. This is in honor of my grandmother, one of the most loving women who spoke love through food and always said to me, no, but you'll like it. Whenever I was full to capacity and taught me the different ways that we can express love. So go express love and part of that may be tending to some of the harder parts, the aching parts, the sad parts of love. Know that it's all love. You are worth it. The people in your life are worth it. And the people beyond just your lifetime are worth it. We'll talk soon.

Thank you all so much for being here at Grief and Guts as Layden's mom. Being able to spread the stories, the strategies, the lessons I have learned through Layden and from Layden is the thing that means the most to me in this world and allowing my daughter's short life to have long and lasting impact by shining her light. Truly, nothing means more if you align with and believe in the work that we're doing here in these messages. The best way to give back and to spread this out into the world is to rate and review on Spotify and on itunes. Thank you for taking just a moment to do that. Feel free to shoot me a message. Let me know what you want to hear more of, what you want to see more of. I am here to serve. I'm grateful to do so, and I'm.

Cheering you on in your journey. As always.