92: How to Handle A Non-Traditional Holiday Season

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Welcome to Grief and Guts. I'm your host, Melissa Dugulecki. It is my honor and privilege to serve you by sharing stories, tools, interviews, and strategies that will help you transition from what do I do now?

How do I get through this?

Those feelings of overwhelm and uncertainty to.

Truly standing in your power.

From my grief journey in losing my daughter laden in 2014, that I learned.

Practiced, was exposed to all these tools.

But they are not grief specific. In fact, they apply universally to all of our unique situations. You've already done the hard part by showing up, by opening up to something new. So without any further ado, let's get to the good stuff that's going to help you in your journey. Let's dive in.

Hey, guys. Welcome back to Grief and Guts. I'm your host, Melissa Dugalecki. And today, as we are approaching the holiday season, it feels most aligned and of best value to hit on some things that have really been popping up, I know, worldwide, around challenges, around holidays, given the, you know, the world that we live in and the restraints and health risks that are prevalent. And on top of that, holidays are already pretty hard. So with Thanksgiving right around the corner, we're gonna dive right on into how to best navigate this time, how to deal with the triggers, how to deal with the heightened emotion. And so I hope this episode really serves you in offering you some new tools to be able to go into this time and enjoy it.

Right?

To be present, to make memories, to feel connection and to not, you know, look back with feelings of regret and to not look forward with so much feelings of angst, but to rather really connect. Because that's what it is about, isn't it? So let's acknowledge that the holidays, especially in grief, but in life, bring heightened emotion. There's a lot of expectation, there's a lot of pressures around what should or shouldn't be. Social norms, family traditions. A lot of times there's attachment to traditions that don't actually serve us well, but we're so attached to them because we think that that tradition is what makes us worthy of connection, of love or belonging.

Right?

It's what proves that we're connected and we're loved.

Right?

We get that certain photo and we're proving, like, look at, we're worthy or we're connected. And this is great. So we definitely want to let go of that in life, in grief and in holidays.

Right?

So beginning to examine that now. I did a podcast episode a while back on traditions. I definitely recommend you checking that out if you're feeling, you know, a pull to traditions right now. If you're feeling a loss of traditions, if you want to examine traditions, because a lot of times we lose traditions in what it looks like. But the benefit of the tradition is really about accessing that feeling, what it feels like. And we've only learned certain ways to access it through the tradition. And so what that episode does is it shows you how to still access that same feeling that you were looking for, but in a different way that now aligns. Many of you will be forced to do that this year, right? Not being able to travel or limited people that you can be around. You know, Thanksgiving in America is traditionally a holiday of large gathering, right? A lot of people. And, you know, depending on, you know, each person, health, safety, family regulations, whatever it may be, that's going to look different, right? It's going to look different. Now, do not get caught up in comparing what it looks like for you and what it looks like for someone else. Remember, I say in grief, nothing new presents in grief. I mean, we have obviously extreme loss, right? In pain and heartache. But what happens is that all of our. All of our stuff, all of our. All of our crap kind of just comes up to the surface. All of the lessons that we practice in life become more amplified. And so the lesson of not comparing is one that we should be practicing every single day. And I'm, in fact, going to encourage you to practice it every single day. Because if you don't practice it every single day, the holidays come, you're not suddenly going to be able to practice it, right? We can't use a new tool that we haven't cultivated. And this is why I think it's so important to do the work, right? To do the work regularly. Not just like when stuff gets hard or. Or emotions are flying or anxiety is flying. Like, how are we showing up and doing the work regularly, right? So even if it's just now for the next week, how can you let go of comparison? How can you let go of pressure? How can you let go of guilt? How can you let go of all these things that can feel amplified on the holidays and during the holiday season? And for many of you, you know, Thanksgiving will kick off a long string of holidays and shoulds and. And comparison and angst and maybe even some loss and sadness and some grief, right? Some grief from what it should be, some grief from what you envisioned, right? Grief around maybe mourning the loss of traditions that you've always had, memories that you've always made. And so we want to acknowledge that that's very, very real. And rather than resist it, let's make space for it and begin to shift how we use energy.

Right?

Because to shift how we use energy. Now, in addition, in times of intensity, whether holidays or grief or life, right, we are more easily triggered.

Right?

We're more easily triggered. And so the most important thing that you can do if you're going to be around other people, if you're going to be around people that trigger you, if you're going to see things that trigger you, is to strengthen your capacity. Now, I had a call this past week where somebody said, how do I improve my capacity? I don't have, you know, I don't have a lot of extra time. We, to be honest, guys, we don't improve our capacity. We don't broaden and we don't, you know, increase our capacity by having spa days and shutting off or going for long naps or reprieves. Honestly, our capacity is dictated by our ability to be clear, to be aligned, to let things go. Nothing can pull out our peace unless we allow it to. Nothing can pull at our energy unless we allow it to. So when you're feeling pulled in a million directions, and I'll be honest, it's conversations I have with much, all the time, I feel pulled and I have to look instead of, why is that person pulling at me? Why is this situation pulling at me? It's where do I need to adjust, right? Where do I need to adjust how I'm handling energy so that I'm not quite so pulled? So to handle triggers, you want to increase your capacity, because the better your capacity is, the least triggered, you're going to be right? And that's going to be a balance of allowing things to just exist, to letting go of the expectation that it's going to go exactly how you want it to go, of letting go of the expectation that it's going to be the same that it's always been. Letting go of the expectation that other people are going to handle the holidays or handle pandemic or handle travel existence, because that can be very triggering. If you have the expectation that everyone should be handling it the way you are and you see other people not, and you're also grieving the loss of not handling it the way that you'd like to, that could be very triggering for you. But if we really look at that, that's not a them issue, that's a you issue. And so that's where personal responsibility comes in. Not easy, guys. I know. Not easy you know, if you want to dive more into personal responsibility, I did do a podcast episode on that as well. I highly recommend, if you want, like, the holiday playlist, maybe we'll put that together. Andrew, what do you think? We can put that together, A holiday playlist. You know, we want to look at. I did an episode last year of Healing through the Holidays. I did one on Teammates. I did one on Triggers, Personal responsibility. Those are going to be your top episodes, right, for getting through these holidays. So go binge on them, right? Go binge on them. Allow them to help you learn and grow. Now, questions I get asked the most, and this is what we're going to dive into. It's going to get a little bit juicy. I'll give you some stuff to think about, marinate in, and then you can go follow up however you want to or let me know what questions you have. But how do you deal with maybe being under the same roof or trying to coordinate plans with family when that can be very triggering? And I'm going to say this is very similar to in grief, right? You're trying to coordinate your own healing. You're trying to plan what you need. You're trying to navigate a time that can be really intense, right? And then you've got all these people that you love that maybe aren't handling it the way that you want, or you feel guilty or you feel like you want to please, or maybe you feel frustrated by any of those emotions are human. They're all real. They're all real. They're all human. So how do we navigate this time? How do we navigate it? And so a few things is, one, in some senses, you want to see what you can just allow, right? Where can you step back and observe and allow? And that's a pretty good strategy when you have very strong personalities, all kind of fighting to be in a position of control. And sometimes the beauty and the power is stepping back and saying, have at it. I'm hopping in the passenger seat on this one, right? And just detaching, just detaching. Now, you can't always do that, right? You can't always do that, particularly if somebody is pushing you to handle the holidays or spend the holidays in a way that you. You don't want to spend them or that doesn't align with your goals. So in those situations, you want to establish clear boundaries. You want to establish clear boundaries. Now, how do you do that?

Right.

We always think boundaries are cold, they're unloving, they're not. We can add this to the podcast episodes. I did one on boundaries. That is a great one for the holidays. Andrew. Let's add that to the list as well. You know, but boundaries. And boundaries don't mean saying, screw you. I'm not going to do that. You know, it's hearing somebody. Boundaries include hearing somebody. Okay, so you'd really like for me to. Or you'd really like to come to my house on such and such a day for three or four days.

Right.

And I'd really like you to be here for one day. And so here's what I'm hearing that you want. Here's what I can do. This is what I'm able to do and offer because I have this going on for work, or I have this going on with other family commitments, or I have this going on with friends, or this is what I need for myself with everything going on right now. So this is what I can offer. Does that work for you? And if it doesn't, I understand, but that's truly what I can do. And so we might have to come up with an alternate plan or spend this time together at an alternate time. And that becomes hard because people will stomp their feet or they might even try, you know, to guilt or manipulate you into acting exactly how they would like you to act.

Right.

It's very common. But you can only let them pull out your energy if you let them pull out your energy. So it's being clear on where you're coming from.

Right.

And knowing that you're not responsible for everyone else's happiness and establishing boundaries where you need to.

Right.

And sometimes that might mean being firm and being able to say, you know, this is not because I don't love you. This is not because I don't want to see you. This is because this is the best way that I can navigate it this year.

Right.

This year. So what of these options feels best for you? Do any of these work for you? And then you got to detach from outcome. If none of them work for them, none of them work for them.

Right.

And that's their choice. And so quite often when we're establishing boundaries, we have to be clear and confident enough to detach from outcome and be able to say, like, if this doesn't work, if this doesn't align, I'm okay with it.

Right?

I'm okay with it. And then the last thing you really want to do is look at what opportunities are hiding there. What new experiences can you have? Maybe in the past, you felt so much craze from travel and Packing and so much overwhelm. Maybe you can find the sacredness in a slower holiday. Maybe you can find the sacredness in connecting differently. Maybe you can create a new tradition, something you've never made time to do. Maybe you can take time to connect with people you've never connected with or give to a cause or a charity. You've never given to or donate because you're not going to be spending funds the way you have been. Maybe you can invest those into something you've been needing to invest in for yourself or some cause that you want to give to.

Right?

There's always these hidden opportunities, and they are hidden, and it is a choice to seek them out, a choice that I'm going to encourage you to enlist, right, to take action on. Now, when we find positives, when we find opportunities, we are not dismissing the challenge. We are not dismissing. Dismissing the heartache. We are not dismissing the loss. And I want you to see how holidays, you know, the pandemic and grief, they're all intertwined. They're all intertwined because there's an increased pressure, there's an increased should, right? There's a connection to traditions and family and worthiness and how we've related to the world and what should be and what isn't. And this is. I'm pointing this out because when I talk about grief, this is not just about loss of life. The energy of grief exists every single day. So by you guys showing up and doing this work and learning and understanding how to best navigate it, you're preparing yourself to navigate every day better, right? And then connect more meaningfully with your partners, with your colleagues, with your friends, with your families every day. And when you do that, you create a life that's more. And you know, that's more clear, that's more connected, that feels lighter, right? So just remembering guys, recognizing you will be more triggered. The best thing to do that is to lean on your tools for your triggers, your teammates.

Right?

I got a teammate podcast episode. Add that one to the list. We haven't already. I can't remember.

Right.

So don't try and just avoid triggers. Don't just try and avoid the discomfort. Don't just try and avoid, you know, making somebody upset or just people pleasing. Or don't try and avoid the reality of what's happening.

Right?

Lean into the trigger. Use your tools. Let it be your teacher. Increase your capacity. Increase your capacity by creating space emotionally, energetically. Let stuff go. Let it flow.

Right?

Do not allow yourself to be so reactionary that we just React on every single thing that happens. Take space. Space when you need it. If you need space, tell somebody, I need some space. It's not forever, it's for right now, right? So increase that capacity. Then when you're in more of the intensity, right? Look, is this a situation where you're going to have to let things go? And guys, it's going to be a mix of all of them, right? So where can you let things go? Where can you allow, where can you almost find a little bit of joy and laughter and watching other people run around like crazy and just sitting back, sitting back, right? Of course, it doesn't mean that you're not contributing or helping contribute and help. But I mean, getting so caught up. When I say running around, this is typically out of an energy of control or a force. So when those energies of control or force step in, where can you step back now? Not to be a pushover, right? Where do you need to integrate boundaries? Where do you need to integrate boundaries and detach from outcome and communicate directly what you are and are not able to give what you are and are not able to do? Always when you're doing that, hear the other person and just navigate. This isn't a right or wrong or win or loss. It's not your winning or you're winning. It's an alignment, right? It's about what's in alignment. So honor what they want and need, but recognize it might not align, right? It might not align. Now, if you're establishing boundaries and you do say you're going to show up for somebody or you need a little more space that you can show up, be sure to show up. Show up with presence, show up connected, deliver on what you're going to say, build that trust. And then the last thing, of course, where can we find these opportunities? Maybe it's an opportunity to grow. Maybe it's an opportunity to connect differently. Maybe you're having different conversations, maybe you're starting new traditions, maybe you're taking the pressure off the holiday of what it should look like and just allowing the feelings of connection, right? Aside from, you know, all of the hoopla that can sometimes actually take away from what the holiday is about. So remember, guys, as we enter this holiday season, use your tools. Use your tools, right? We've got a whole playlist of holiday podcast episodes for you to listen to. Maybe I'll put it together and throw it up on my Instagram for you guys. Think about what your capacity is, identify what your triggers are, lean on your teammates, let things go, implement boundaries and always find the hidden opportunities that are just waiting to be discovered. I think the happiest people aren't the ones that just live in ideal circumstances. The happiest people in this world who do these things, who let things go, who know their triggers, who are aware of their capacity and who no matter how challenging things are, they find opportunities. Because truly, in the challenge, in the ease, in the play, in the light, there is so much beauty in this whole crazy thing, this whole crazy journey of life. Thank you for allowing me to share this with you. I would love to hear about any holiday traditions, hacks or tips that you have. Shoot them on over to me on Instagram if you are feeling inclined. We can always let me know if they're ones that you would like shared out with the community or you just want to share with me privately. Either way, what a beautiful way that we can all learn and grow together. So thank you for allowing me to shine Laden's light. Thank you for showing up here. I am sending you so much love whether I will see you or not see you whether we will connect on social media or not. I am sending you love energetically to have a connected, peaceful holiday season of ease and joy and knowing that there is so much beauty in there waiting to be seen.

Thank you all so much for being here at Grief and Guts as Layden's mom. Being able to spread the stories, the strategies, the lessons I have learned through Layden and from Layden is the thing that means the most to me in this world and allowing my daughter's short life to have long and lasting impact.

By shining her light.

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Cheering you on in your journeys.

Always.