93: I Released Leyden's Soul - Why & How

Foreign welcome to Grief and Guts. I'm your host, Melissa Dugulecki. It is my honor and privilege to serve you by sharing stories, tools, interviews, and strategies that will help you transition from what do I do now? How do I get through this? Those feelings of overwhelm and uncertainty to truly standing in your power. From my grief journey in losing my daughter laden in 2014, that I learned, practiced, was exposed to all these tools, but they are not grief specific. In fact, they apply universally to all of our unique situations. You've already done the hard part by showing up, by opening up to something new. So without any further ado, let's get to the good stuff that's going to help you in your journey. Let's dive in. Hey, everyone. Welcome back to Grief and Guts. I'm your host, Melissa Dugalecki. And we took a couple weeks off. We took a little bit of a breather. And in truth, I am modeling what I teach and coach and hope to give you permission to do, to not force and to take space when you need it. Right? To take space when you need it. I think so often in our world, in our society, we're encouraged to not take space that, you know, success is running yourself into the ground. And in my grief journey, you know, I learned to unlearn that behavior because I wouldn't survive. And so what I'm going to share with you guys today is really different, really unique. I'm going to be honest, this may not resonate with all of you. I'll get into that in a minute. It's taken me a couple of weeks to be ready to share. It's about a ceremony I did around my grief and releasing Leave in Soul. So I am so excited and grateful to get a little bit vulnerable, a little bit gritty, and to go deep with you guys. So let's do it. All right, everyone, as I mentioned, this might not resonate with everybody. Some of you might feel triggered by it. And I just want to honor and acknowledge that had I heard myself speak four or five years ago, I probably would have been very angry because I was at a different point in my grief journey and where I am now, I didn't imagine being, nor did I really want to be. And so the way in which I've come to understand, for me, grief healing, soul, spirituality has very much evolved. And that's my journey. Right? Yours is going to be different. That's my journey. In fact, I was recently speaking with my podcast editor about, you know, does this podcast truly serve? Right? Does this podcast truly Serve the community around grief. If I am not speaking about grief quite as much, and for now, I made the decision. Well, I would love your feedback. I would love to know how this serves you, if we think we should retitle it or. Everything I share truly is connected to what I've learned from my grief journey and from Layden. But what I want to do, and I'm seeking to do, is to expand our definition of grief. To expand our definition of grief. Right now, what's happening in our world with COVID and the pandemic that is a major source of grief for many people worldwide. Loss of a job is a source of grief. A relationship, a pet, losing your sense of identity, a chapter of your life ending, even if you chose it to end, is still a sense of grief. So my goal, my, my mission is to really expand our definition, our understanding of grief and then apply tools from grief to all these different aspects and different levels. Because the tools may be more needed, the more intense, quote, unquote intense the type of grief is. Right? But just because they're not as blatantly needed for less intense scenarios, they're still wildly helpful. They're still wildly helpful. So let's not wait to use tools until, you know, things are not going well, right? Let's not wait to use tools until it's really, really bad. Let's use them on a daily basis. Because as I always say, when shit hits the fan, we can't suddenly use a new tool that we haven't used before, right? So if we get really good at using tools on a day to day basis now, when shit hits the fan, inevitably it will for all of us, right? Definitely will. When that happens, we have way more tools and resources. So instead of waiting for things to just be okay, we have the resources to employ to create exactly, exactly what we need, right? To create our study to be stronger than circumstance. So that's just a little aside that I've been thinking about these past couple of weeks and I think that held me back from recording right away. Was this going to be triggering? And I want to remind you, if you are newer in your grief journey and you're not ready to hear these further along parts, I have playlists of episodes, grief 101, grief 102. And then like Masters in Grief or whatever it may be, I will be putting them on my website. But in the meantime, just shoot me an email and I will send you the list of all the episodes for that. Because I truly am here to serve and support. And I also need to be aligned and authentic in where I am in my journey. And so where I am right now has been years out of doing a lot of work. Grief work, spirituality work, healing work. With that. All of these kind of different parts of the work that I've done had led me to where I am today. And where I am today, my goodness, down here in Tulum, Mexico. I came here, for those of you just listening, I came here for 10 days on September 1st, and it is now December 15th. So, needless to say, I have been here much longer than I imagined. In fact, I only brought a small suitcase, and I used to travel with a lot of Leighton's things, like, a lot of her things. And I really only brought a couple of her things, thinking, well, I'll be there for 10 days, right? And so one of the first things for me when I extended my trip was to realize, like, wow, like, you're really detaching from a lot of the physical objects now. I laugh at myself a lot. Right after Layden pass, I literally slept in bed with all of her clothing, eight by 11 pictures, her stuffed animals, her hats, you name it. And it was. It was coming in that bed with me. And I remember when Layden's father looked at me and was like, you think maybe you'd sleep a little better if you didn't have all those things? And I looked at him like, don't you even? Don't you even? He never asked that question again. But in time, you know, I did a whole podcast episode. They're called linking objects. In time, my need for linking objects has lessened. So as I came here to Tulum, Mexico, I kind of noticed that. I observed that I brought one framed photo of Layden. I brought one of those little heart necklaces that can store ashes. So just a tiny bit of her ashes. The rest are at home in my home home. And I brought her one of her hats, a sock, and I think that might be it. I think that might be it. And which now, that's very, very, very unusual for me. Those are all things that I can kind of keep in quiet places, right? I didn't bring her Curious George. I didn't bring all of her photo books. I didn't bring all the things. So one of the things I first noticed and checked in with myself was, wow, like, you're. You're really happy here. I'm very happy here in Tulum. That's why I haven't left. And yet you're not as heavily linked to these objects. So that was One of my first observations and then further along here in my journey, and my business partner Mooch and I were making shifts in our business and really just kind of talking about our voices online. And I noticed, like, I don't talk about gut health or grief nearly as much. And my Instagram handle was guts and grief. You know, I don't use social media to really just share those things now. Of course I talk about grief and I talk about later in my journey. But, you know, as an online business coach who supports, you know, women to build their online coaching businesses, that's a majority of what I focus on now, right? And sharing tools and education and value around that. And most of that comes back to mindset. And so I just felt this call I got to change my Instagram handle. This isn't aligned. And that felt like another step away from kind of my grief identity. Right? That grief identity. It was, like, weird. I felt guilty, almost like I was betraying the grief community. I was betraying the people who had followed my grief journey. And I realized, no, no, you. You are showing them what's possible, and you're also not pushing anyone to be where they're not. Right? I didn't come out and say, hey, everybody, this is where we're all going together. It was more like, hey, this is the direction I'm moving. If this resonates with you, awesome. If it doesn't, amazing. I support you. And that's something I want all of you to think about for life. Like, how do you not prevent yourself from doing what's aligned because you're worried about what other people think, right? I almost didn't do it because I was worried about what other people would think. And then how do you not expect other people to just jump on the same bandwagon you're jumping on? You go on your bandwagon. You do what you need to do, but, like, let them be on their own if that's what is needed. And when you're on the same one, then you celebrate the heck out of it, because how beautiful is that when you're actually connected and present. Right? And that's when. When we begin building awareness around this, we begin to understand the power of presence. Not just like putting your phone away, right? But of actually really listening, of making eye contact, of being there with somebody and knowing it will not last forever. That moment you're in will not last forever. Right? So how are you showing up with presence, and how are you detaching from it, needing to last forever because it won't Right. It won't so noticed. I detached a bit from linking objects, and then I changed my Instagram handle. And I've been doing a lot of healing work down here. And so I went to work with a healer who does kind of energy shift through some body work and kind of like massage and a little bit of Reiki. And it's not really planned, right. She goes where the energy pulls her. And so I went to her. It was wonderful. And as she was beginning treatment, she took my necklace off. Now, those of you who have followed me know that I wear my L necklace every day. I actually have about 10 of them. I got them from a little boutique in Boston that I found on my own when I was shopping around the time of Mother's Day, the year after Laydon died. And it was just this very subtle, like, very delicate chain and this little link that I like to wear because I knew what it meant. Strangers wouldn't know what it meant. People who knew laden would pick up on it, but that was it, right? And it's have, like, a massive laden necklace. And at times, the first time I remember, you know, losing this necklace, I had, like, a panic attack and I had to go to the store. And so every time that I would lose or snap at such a delicate necklace, right, I'm working out, I'm doing yoga. Whatever it may be, the necklace can snap. I learned to have multiple on hand, so I learned to have multiple L's on hand. Now, before I left for my trip Mooch, my business partner and best friend got me a backup L. So that was so beautiful and so thoughtful and one of the best things. And so I'm at this treatment, and all of a sudden I leave and I realize, shoot. My L necklace, I didn't get it back on right. I was kind of in, like, a daze after the treatment. So I messaged the woman. She said, sure, I'll go collect it for you. And. And then she messaged me and said, I'm so sorry, but the chain broke somehow. And I was trying to pull it out, and I thought. And I was with a friend who's a healer, and she said, you know, I think you should wait. Don't put on that backup, Elliot. I just. I feel this energetically that you need to be opening this space right now. And I was kind of like, I just changed my Instagram. I'm detaching from linking objects. I don't know how I feel about this, but I'll give it a day. And she looked at me and she said, just give it a day, just give it a day. And I knew that because of much I had that backup l there. So I was like, okay, I can give this a few days. And I did well shortly thereafter. And we're getting to the good part, guys. But I think this is important to think about signs that you may be seeing, to think about awareness of your own energy, to think about subconsciously what you are doing or gravitating towards or feeling that maybe something way bigger that you're manifesting or that's coming for you. I want to help you build that awareness because it's very powerful, right? It gets away from being surprised, it gets away from being out of alignment. It gets away from all of these things. The next thing, I'm working with my intuitive reader, my spiritual reader, who is I work with on Zoom Weekly, and she says to me, for the first time, I have been working with this woman since January, January, for the very first time. She said, wow, I'm getting this image, this message that Laden is beginning to fulfill her soul's work. And it looks like she's helping, you know, other babies crossed over and she's helping other children and other babies. And this is very beautiful in this whole thing. And I was like, no, no, no. I want to think of leighton as my 6 year old or like my little baby still who just watches over her mom. Like, that's what I want. Like, it wasn't really landing with me, but I wrote it down, I took notes, and then a few days later, I've been working with the healer here, doing a lot of Tamascals, that's. I've talked about those in other podcast episodes. It's a ceremony of kind of detoxing and release and energy movement. And I've been working with his name is Diego on just a lot of learning about the culture down here in the spirituality. And he said to me, he did treatment and he said, when you're ready, I feel that you're being called to release your daughter's soul. And that was still just hard for me to say right now. And this has been a while now. I think it's time for you to release your daughter's soul. And I was like, are you kidding? It's the one thing I have. I'm not letting go of it. And he said, your daughter needs to do her soul's work that's bigger than you here and you need to give all of that love for her to people on this earth who need you in this lifetime. And I was like, basically this feeling of, like, this mom guilt of, oh, my gosh, I'm being selfish. I'm holding my daughter's soul hostage, like, whatever you believe, like I said, this may not resonate with you, right? This may not resonate with you. But it just kind of hit me, and I was like, yeah, like, let's schedule it. And so we scheduled it for a couple weeks out. I was very excited for it and nervous for it. I felt, leading up to it, like, okay, this is this next step. It's going to be beautiful. And that morning of the ceremony, I'd asked, you know, one of my best friends to. To meet me there and just be that support, right? We talk about teammates, and he is very much a doer and a listener and probably a distractor, so, which is a great combination when you're in a foreign country and you need different types of teammates. So he was able to hold space there, really, as a listener and as a place of support. And so we had arranged the ceremony, and what I had to bring. This is interesting. This is going to be, you know, probably two parts for you guys. But what I had to bring was a picture of Laden, anything of Laden's that I wanted on the altar. I had to bring 6 kg of apples, and I had to bring some flowers. Now, my grandmother had passed away recently, as I shared on a podcast, not that long ago, about just over a month ago. And my friend, actually, the one who came with me to the ceremony, got me flowers, and so I had had those flowers still, and they were still alive. They were starting to fade. And I thought, okay, well, this is perfect, because now it's connecting my grandmother, and it's connecting Laden, and then my friend gets to be a part of it. And, you know, I brought Laden's picture, and I brought her ashes, and I brought her little hat. This would be beautiful. It'll go on the altar. And so I got all these things ready the night before, and in the morning, I got up and, like, I went for a little run, and I did some strength training, and I was, like, feeling good. I remember sending some voice notes out to people. Like, just. I remember a couple people. I let them know what I was doing, and I was like, I'm so grateful. I'm so excited, right? And then I got back, I showered, and it was time to leave. And it set in. I noticed. And notice this about yourself, guys. Notice this about yourself. I started lapping around my apartment, like, just. I mean, I'm suddenly sweeping, and I'M putting, you know, towels away and oh, just one more thing. And maybe I need to get this. And maybe I forgot that. And I was avoiding, right? I was avoiding. I was pushing back. I was creating space between what I was about to go do. And I mean, you could do this at different levels. I remember oftentimes before I was aware when it was time for me to write or to do something that was really creatively taxing, I would always find myself going for snacks and just standing in front of the fridge or standing in front of the cabinet. And now I know when I'm doing that, I'm like, wait, am I hungry or am I just avoiding this right now? Right? So noticing these things is very powerful in all different ways. So I noticed that about myself. And I want a complete silence. I didn't want to talk to anybody. And I'm start driving over and my friend messages me and he's already there and he's like, are you coming? And I'm like, you know, on my way, like, I just, I couldn't do anything beyond that. And in the car, like, why are you doing this, Melissa? Like, why are you doing this? Why are you choosing to feel this pain? And I thought of all of you and I thought of our community and I thought of everything I teach and coach. And I thought, because we don't grow in our comfort, right? We don't grow in our comfort. Every time I've grown and expanded, it's been really uncomfortable and oftentimes painful. And I've cried. Like, doing the work, guys, is not just sitting there, like cross legged, meditating, feeling good. Like it can be painful and ugly and messy. And I was like, this is the mess. Like, just embrace it, Melissa. Just embrace it. And so I drive there, I get there, I see my friend and I just absolutely collapsed in tears on him and was just bawling. And you know, I was already running late. But we were able to sit for a while and really get intentional about how I wanted to use that time and why I was doing it and how I was going to navigate it and really regrouping, right? And this is, guys, these are all things I coach and I want, I want to share so that you can see them in action and know I'm not just throwing it out there like teammates, right? Awareness, processing, getting uncomfortable. These are all a part of it, right? These are all a part of it. And so there I was, ready to begin the ceremony with all of these signs that had led up to it, right? Less linking, objects changed my Instagram handle. Then my Elm necklace breaks. Then my spirit reader says, hey, it seems like Laden's got some soul work to do. And then my healer here says, hey, you gotta let Layden go do her soul's work. You're holding her back. And I was like. And that tough love he brought to the ceremony. And in fact, his name is Diego. He brought like the grandfather here, he's called Abuelo of all of this healing work and ceremonies. And I gotta tell you, I was intimidated. I was intimidated. This ceremony was so beautiful. It's something that you could really emulate in your own life, truly, with something that you want to release. It was really meaningful and I'm going to share it in next week's episode. So if you have questions, shoot them over. If any of this resonated with you, I'd love to know and remember. I'm trying to figure out here as I'm really expanding in my grief journey and expanding the way we define grief. Like, is this best serving you right as a grief podcast, do we want to rebrand? Right? Are we good as we are and we're just collectively going to agree? Grief is defined as much more than the loss of life. And those of you listening who really want those raw beginning days of the grief, I am here. I see you, I support you. A reminder, I've got those grief playlists for you. So sending you guys all so much love. Thank you for being a part of this. I cannot wait to share the ceremony with you next week. It is something I think not only will you enjoy hearing about, but you may emulate in your own way. So many of you I've talked to you about. Wanting to release this will help you do that. Talk soon. Thank you all so much for being here at Grief and Guts as Layden's mom and being able to spread the stories, the strategies, the lessons I have learned through Laden and from Laden is the thing that means the most to me in this world and allowing my daughter's short life to have long and lasting impact by shining her light. Truly, nothing means more if you align with and believe in the work that we're doing here in these messages. The best way to give back and to spread this out into the world is to rate and review on Spotify and on itunes. Thank you for taking just a moment to do that. Feel free to shoot me a message. Let me know what you want to hear more of, what you want to see more of. I am here to serve. I'm grateful to do so and I'M cheering you on in your journeys, always.