95: Relationships - Real Talk

Foreign welcome to Grief and Guts. I'm your host, Melissa Dugulecki. It is my honor and privilege to serve you by sharing stories, tools, interviews and strategies that will help you transition from what do I do now? How do I get through this? Those feelings of overwhelm and uncertainty to truly standing in your power. From my grief journey in losing my daughter laden in 2014 that I learned, practiced, was exposed to all these tools, but they are not grief specific. In fact, they apply universally to all of our unique situations. You've already done the hard part by showing up, by opening up to something new. So without any further ado, let's get to the good stuff that's going to help you in your journey. Let's dive in. All right, guys, welcome to 2021. It is our first podcast together. I am your host, Melissa Dugalecki. I am so excited to dive into this. Now what we talk here, it started as very grief centric, but it's moved into energy, right? All sorts of energy. Now, if you are here specifically for grief, please check out the earliest episodes. They are going to give you some set tools. However, all of this will support you as well because grief is a very intense manifestation of energy and it happens at different levels. And what I'm going to dive into today is something I didn't really begin studying until I was in my grief journey. Now I put up some polls in my Instagram. You guys know I love hanging out in Instagram stories asking what you guys wanted to see the most of. And I did that whole I don't know what it's called, like that scientific evaluation where you have a constant and a variable. And so I put up different things against one another. And there was one very, very loud answer that you guys wanted to chat more about relationships and growth. So that's what we're going to do today. Because I come on here to serve and to bring value, right? Come on here to serve and to bring value. I hear myself talk all the time. This is definitely not for me. So I hope that this episode where we're going to get gritty on different parts of relationships so that you can feel more freedom, more spaciousness, more alignment, more joy in your relationships this year and beyond. I hope it serves you. Let's get to it. All right, guys. Now, in my previous work, previous podcasts, and I did a bonus call and if you haven't seen it, feel free to just message me on relationships and growth. I talked a lot about actual tools. So what I talked about was tools. When you're struggling in a relationship using the ladder, right? So basically, you create a ladder and you put your top priorities on one rung, right. Or one priority on each rung in order from most important to least important. And your partner does the same. And you kind of look at where you're at. We talked about teammates understanding. You know, this doesn't have to be significant others. This could be family relationships, friendships, work relationships, but understanding what kind of teammate somebody else is. Right? There are four types that I coach. Four. And you can be a mix, but typically we're dominantly one. And so knowing what you're going to get from each person, because if you want somebody to be a listener, but that's not their skill set, they're a really good distractor. Well, you might be missing connection from them in the realm of distracting. And also knowing what type of teammate you are. And then on top of that, I talked a lot about building your world. Building your world so that your grief, your pain, your heartache, whatever you're carrying doesn't actually get smaller, but that you are. Are authoring your story and beginning to build and expand your own world. So as we get into a different approach on relationships today, I kind of want to stick with that theme of expansion, and I want to think. I want you to think about your relationships, and are they meeting your needs or are they filling your needs? Right? Are they complimenting needs that you have met for yourself, or are they filling needs that you're struggling to fill on your own? There's no shame here. There's no judgment. There was a time in my life where I sought for, whether it was colleagues or friends or significant others to fill parts of me that I wasn't filling myself. It was like I was giving so much else in so many other directions that I was depleted and I wasn't taking care of myself. And then I was looking for other people to do that for me. And truly, that wasn't fair. Right? That wasn't fair. So think about this. How are you, number one, you cannot have a really significant, expansive, beautiful relationship with anyone else until you have that with yourself. So how are you cultivating that? How are you filling your own needs? How are you aware of what you need? Right? We can't fill a need that we're not aware of. And many times we act out these needs, right? We cancel plans, we have breakdowns, we overspread. We turn to substances or other escape mechanisms because we're acting out our needs. So first things first. What needs may you or may you not be acting out. Can you get clear on that? And then looking at needs that you may be acting out, how can you begin to work on those first? Now maybe you bring a teammate in along the journey, maybe you open up and share this with a friend. Friend, a family, a parent, a sibling, a cousin, a significant other, right? You let them know what's going on, right? Take them on the journey. This is something I coach and say all the time. Take people on the journey with you, right? When we put that wall up, people meet you with a wall up. Doesn't mean you have to give them the play by play, every single thing. It doesn't mean you don't guard some sacred privacy. Right? I love privacy. But if you're going to be changing the way that you're relating to people or you're relating to yourself, like it's not a bad idea to take people on that journey with you. So number one first step, looking at how you're meeting your needs so that when you're entering a relationship, and this can be a three week relationship, a friendship, maybe you meet somebody traveling, this could be a job that you're at for a short period of time. This could be a romance that you think is going to fill a short term need. Whatever it is, it doesn't have to be the end all, be all. But how are each of these expanding you versus filling you? Now, of course there are going to be times where we lean on one another, right? There are going to be times where somebody in your life holds more space for you and you hold more space for them. But what we're looking for aren't these isolated incidents. We're looking for patterns, right? Because patterns become, you know, our routines and routines become who we are. So how are we routinely managing energy? Right, Write that one down. How am I routinely managing energy? Because guys, energy is the only thing we have control over in this life, right? Our own energy is the only thing we have control over. Now, as we step beyond this self reflection and we really look into relationships today, I want to challenge you to think about our expectations and pressures around relationships we've got. And I talked about this in that bonus call. So if you weren't there, please let me know if you want it. But I talked a lot about how the idea of happily ever after and a lot of the romance era came from Venice at a time when the birth, I'm sorry, the death rate was very low as a very young age and people were seeking hope. Right? Happily ever after. Also, if lifetimes Weren't quite as long was a little bit different. Now, don't get me wrong. I am all for romance. I am all for long, fulfilling relationships. I am all for all of that, but only under the umbrella of alignment. Now, this doesn't mean you're never going to fight with your partner. It doesn't mean you don't have waves or phases, right? Or your family member or your friend. It doesn't mean that you're always the same level of closeness, right? But it means that we're not forcing things. It means we're not energetically draining each other for long periods of time, right? We're not energetically draining each other for long periods of time. Time. So thinking of alignment and first thing you want to do is let go of that word should, right? And I had this in my grief journey, right? Laden's dad should be doing this, Laden's dad should be doing that. And it was like, wait a minute, what should you be doing for yourself? What do you get to do for yourself, Melissa? What do you get to do for yourself? So I want you to let go of what it has to look like. Guys, there are so many different types of relationships, right? There are people who function very happily in open relationships. There are people who function very happily in closed relationships. There's not a right or wrong. And I'm not going to argue that there is. I think it's about alignment and communication, right? There are people who function very happily in friendships where they talk once a month. And there are people who function very happily in friendships where they talk every day. Same thing with family. So what works for you? What aligns for you? What allows you to show up powerfully for somebody else and receive powerfully from them? Right? Think about giving and receiving. How are you giving, how are you receiving, and how are you doing it to create something that's bigger than either of your neediness, either of your egos, either of your comparisons, either of your shoulds. If we can eliminate all of those things and look at how we're giving and receiving to create expansion, like, you cannot go wrong, right? You cannot go wrong. There are friendships in my life that wouldn't align at this point because either that person has changed significantly, which isn't a bad thing, or I've changed significantly, which isn't a bad thing. In fact, when you're that committed to your growth, it's a really beautiful thing when you evolve, right? It's a really beautiful thing when you evolve. So rather than feeling victimization or spite or resentment for A distanced or estranged relationship. Can we rather look at what we learned from it? Can we look at what it brought us? Can we look at what it offered us? Now, this wasn't something I could see in every moment or that I, you know, that we can see in each moment, right? But you gotta trust. You've gotta trust and know that we don't wanna force and cling and hold onto or manipulate someone to stay in our life, whether romantic or platonic, at the cost of what truly aligns with either person. In fact, the biggest gift is allowing people to experience alignment. In fact, as I've talked, you know, there are a lot of speakers who have talked about open relationships. And one of the things that always resonated with me was not feeling as though my needs, my security, my ego need to deprive somebody of experiencing something that feels aligned for them. Now, I'm not saying this is a blank check to just go out and, you know, go from bar to bar to bar, Tinder to Tinder to Tinder, right? That's an ego thing too, right? That's an ego thing too. So whatever your relationship is, you've got to have this understanding at the same time. Monogamous relationships, I mean, that's a deep level of intimacy of I am fully committed, but it's got to be both partners, right? Neither one longing for other things, both people finding a level of intimacy and joy of being fully committed to that partnership. Again, I want to get away from right or wrong. And I've. I've been teaching about this book. I teach about it, guys in business. I teach about it in grief. I teach about it in work. But the concept was from a book that was focused on intimacy. It's by David Data. It's called Enlightened Sex. I may have referenced it before. I was actually speaking at a business workshop talking about three levels of energy exchange. And I referenced these not in an intimate way at all. Because, guys, energy is just energy. When I explain these, think outside of just intimacy, right? And somebody said, what's the name of that book? And Harry went, this is like mindset business workshop. And I was like, but it's what it is now. Level one of this book, level one in this energetic exchange is, well, what is this person doing for me? What am I getting out of this? Guys, this, again, could be a job, it could be a hobby, it could be a friendship, it could be a relationship, but what am I getting out of this, right? Level two is what am I giving and what am I receiving? What Am I giving and what am I receiving? And so it's an exchange. How are we together? Kind of maybe even making life a little bit easier. This is more contractual thinking. And then level three is how are we breaking down the walls and leaning in so vulnerably that we're creating something bigger than ourselves? We're creating some type legacy. We are together emitting energies of joy or spaciousness or love or productivity or acceptance. And we're creating. Maybe it's a work environment, right? Maybe you're just creating love in a certain community or culture. Maybe it's friendship or safety in a certain community or culture. But how are we leaning in with acceptance and safety and vulnerability and standing in truth. But creating something bigger than ourselves, it's not about what I'm getting out of it. It's not about the contractual exchange, right? Eye for an eye, what's fair. It's about creating something bigger than ourselves. That's a really big topic to break down. So go ahead and pause this. If you need to write it down, write down those three levels. So that's one aspect when we're in the moment of any type of relationship, right? What level are we showing up at? What level is the other person showing up at? How are we in alignment? How are we communicating in alignment? And again, going back to the beginning, are we getting rid of should or comparison or ego or insecurities or control? Because the truth is, those might make us feel safe, but nothing grows in those environments. My guess is, whether it's work or family or friends or romantic relationship, you want to hold an environment, cultivate an environment that it will grow, right? So how are you doing that? Because you can't do it from a place of control. It's really hard. That's why they say sometimes doing this work, you know, it's ugly, it's crying, it's on the ground, it's feeling that fear. It's reassuring yourself, right? It's self parenting. It's talking yourself through. It's validating yourself and your own worthiness. Guys, the last thing I want you to think about is thinking of ourselves as like our own little energy balls. Like, I think I like to think of us as little energy balls, little sparks. And, you know, we are here kind of making our way around this world, this planet, and we align like our spark. Like, you know, when you feel pulled to something or called to something, or you just feel like, oh, we jive, right? Our sparks just kind of blend. And what I want you to think about is being Very present for when those sparks are blending, being very grateful for what it's offering you, right? Sometimes it's not easy, right? The most transformative ones are the ones that hold the mirrors up. And mirrors are challenging, right? Mirrors are challenging. So think about this. We've got these sparks. And if we're letting go of the word should, if we're letting go of comparison, if we're letting go of ego or letting go of control, we're letting go of all these things, then we're not sitting there going, well, will this be forever? How long will this last? What's it going to be? What am I getting out of it? How do I keep this? How do I control. Control it, right? We're allowing it, the space, right? The air. Think about fire needs air to grow. We're allowing it the space in the air and the breath to grow. Now, sometimes the longevity of these could be a week, a month, a year, a decade, sometimes a lifetime. How can we let go of needing it to be for a certain period, but rather commit to showing up powerfully in our own energy so then we can show up powerfully for the other people whose energy we are choosing to share ourselves with and we are choosing to receive energy from, Right? And then every time these little sparks begin to fizzle, how can we, instead of being in a place of victimization or should, how can we nurture and appreciate and reflect on what we've learned and grown? What did that person offer me on this part of my journey? What did I gain from that? Right? This could be a coach, guys, this could be a colleague, it could be anything. But what did I gain from that? And can I see the beauty, the beauty of that time we co created? Can I see the beauty and the growth and the evolution that transpired from that time we co created? Now, we can't see that if we're sitting in victimization, we can't see, see that if we're feeling sorry for ourselves, we can't see that if we're trying to control. And a lot of times we sit in victimization because, well, we're embarrassed about what other people think or worthiness. Does this make me more or less worthy? Which is why I invite you to go back to the very beginning of filling your own needs. And your needs are going to come from validating your worthiness. So how are you validating your own worthiness? Because no matter what relationship you get into, it's going to depend on you being able to do that for yourself, for it to truly grow which is why I believe and I say over and over, doing the work is the most selfless, beautiful thing you could ever do. Thank you guys so much for doing the work here with me. You can find me on Instagram mindsetandmallbeck. That's Mindset A n D Malbeck. Let me know what you think. Let me know if this helped you. Let me know if you have other questions. Questions. Like I said, I put up polls because I want to bring you guys value. I want to offer and talk about things that are going to resonate and support you and your goals, your mission, your journey. So please don't hesitate to share. Right lean in, let me on your journey. I'm letting you unmind. And here we are in our own ways co creating and that is a beautiful gift for which I am very grateful. Sending you all up. Thank you all so much for being here at Grief and Guts as Layden's mom. Being able to spread the stories, the strategies, the lessons I have learned through Layden and from Layden is the thing that means the most to me in this world and allowing my daughter's short life to have long and lasting impact by shining her light. Truly, nothing means more if you align with and believe in the work that we're doing here and these messages. The best way to give back and to spread this out into the world is to rate and review on Spotify and on itunes. Thank you for taking just a moment to do that. Feel free to shoot me a message. Let me know what you want to hear more of, what you want to see more of. I am here to serve. I'm grateful to do so and I'm cheering you on in your journey as always.