97: Healthy vs Unhealthy Competition

Foreign welcome to Grief and Guts. I'm your host, Melissa Dugulecki. It is my honor and privilege to serve you by sharing stories, tools, interviews, and strategies that will help you transition from what do I do now? How do I get through this? Those feelings of overwhelm and uncertainty to truly standing in your power. From my grief journey in losing my daughter laden in 2014, that I learned, practiced, was exposed to all these tools, but they are not grief specific. In fact, they apply universally to all of our unique situations. You've already done the hard part by showing up, by opening up to something new. So without any further ado, let's get to the good stuff that's going to help you in your journey. Let's dive in. All right, guys, Today we are jamming on competition. It's a word that I think people have different relationships with in how they feel about it and how it applies for them. And like anything, it's got, you know, the light and the dark side. And so we're going to break that down so that you can really begin to integrate competition in your life in a healthy way, I should say. But in. In truth, for me, you know, I was a very competitive individual growing up. I had three brothers. I was a Division 1 athlete, and competition really pushed me to new places. But it was in my grief that I began to understand it differently because my capacity was just so different that competition and I had to form a new relationship. So I'm going to get into that a little bit to help you understand, whether grieving or not, you can really leverage competition in a healthy way. So let's do it. All right. As I said, my background was very much in athletics. I've just always kind of been a competitive person, family. You know, we've. We've all been very competitive. I remember, you know, even just driving in the car as a kid, we'd play games. We'd look at the license plates and see who could add up the numbers the quickest or whatever letter it was, who could make words with those letters the quickest or just all sorts of little things. And it was entertainment, and it was fun. And for me, I formed a strong attachment to competition in many ways. Sports were a big part of my life. In high school, I was, you know, our class president for four years. And then in college, you know, competed at the Division 1 level. And so competition for me was just like a way of life, right? It was, you know, and it was in the sense of, you know, you were either good at something or somebody else. Was better at it than you. There was a winner and there was a loser. Right. And that was it. And, you know, I really did benefit and the ways in which it pushed me to work hard and develop a work ethic and push my own limits and see what was possible. But I realized in my grief journey that it was holding me back. Because the dark side of competition is comparison is a scarcity mindset, is if this person succeeds, I'm less worthy. Right. It's an attachment of ourselves, our identity and our worthiness to the results. And as you know, what I always coach is attaching to the process, detaching from results. So that's what I want you to think about when you think about competition. How are you leveraging competition in a way that is related to the process? So, for example, this morning I took a CrossFit class here in Tulum, and it's got kind of a competitive nature, but it's also. This is a very, very welcoming community, very supportive, all different ages and levels. So, you know, I don't know what your experiences with different fitness studios are, but this one has been a really fantastic community. But of course, there's always like that little internal competition when you're in that environment. So we have. I have a friend who took class before me, and I looked at his results and we were doing a workout that's called as many rounds as possible. So you have 15 minutes to do as many rounds as you can. And so I saw what he got, I saw what he did, and I did the math in my head and said, okay, if I can do each round in a minute and a half, I'll beat him. Right? And he had no idea I was doing this. Like, he had no idea. I didn't tell him, right. But it was like attaching to competition in the sense of the process. Like, ooh, what's possible? That's what he did. What can I do? Right? And so I worked really darn hard. I won. But at the same time, he doesn't even know I won. And had I not won, technically won, the own game I made, right, it wouldn't change anything. I would have been felt so good for how hard I worked. Like, I didn't know if I was going to be able to do it, but I felt really good working that hard. But here's the reality. I didn't really win, not only because it wasn't a competition, but because I use a lot less weights. I have an injured knee, so I can't squat as low. So it takes Me less time, right? So it takes me less time. I'm not using as heavy of weights. So theoretically I'm actually not working as hard, right? Not working as hard. So I think that's a really beautiful way of understanding how everyone's got different stories and capacities that we don't even know about. So how can we put us all on one kind of playing field of competition? And I see this a lot in social media. You know, I talk about this a lot in the business coaching over at 90 Days CEO, right, where I coach online coaches and consultants and, you know, service providers to build their businesses online organically. Right. Which means no paid ads, no buying followers, no boosting posts. And I really show them how to do this right with Mooch. But one of the biggest roadblocks people encounter when doing this is imposter syndrome, right? Or comparison or somebody else is doing it. So I can't. Right? And this happens in life too. And so for me, as I shared in my grief journey, that was when I really began to understand capacity. Like I couldn't try and quote, unquote, compete with the amount of hours somebody was putting in at work. I literally didn't have the capacity to focus for that long. I couldn't try and compete with anybody physically or athletically. Getting out of bed was hard. When I started running, it was very slow and very quiet and very much alone time. I wasn't doing intense workouts. I couldn't compare myself to other people's social lives. I didn't have it in me. And so what I began to shift was my understanding of competition in this balance of light and dark, right? This balance of light and dark. Because we always talk about collaborate over compete. And that is true. But I know a lot of you guys listening are former athletes. I know a lot of you guys integrate competition. And so I want to talk about how you integrate it in a collaborative way. Because truly I don't believe competition exists in the sense that people view it, right? People view it as one person is better than another or if somebody does something that makes them more worthy. I'm going to keep sports as kind of a separate discussion. Those are different competitions. But the reality is, even in sports, if your opponent pushes you to be a better version of yourself, how is that a loss? Right? How is that a loss? And then maybe the next time around you beat your opponent, right? And it's just this constant, it's this co creation really, if you think about it, even in sports, it's a beautiful co creation of your Competition challenging you to improve. Now what you have to do to do that is quiet the ego. Detach from outcome, right? Attach to process, right? Trust. Let them hold a mirror up to you where you need to grow and improve. Let them inspire you with how hard they're working or what they're doing. Let them motivate you, but don't make their journey about you. Right? I talk about this a lot with relationships and growth. Don't make someone else's journey about you. Now if it impacts you or inspires you. Amazing, right? So how do we know if we have a healthy relationship with competition? Well, those of you that I've coached didn't move or 90 day or in one on one. You just pull out that bible. Pull out that Bible. And guys, there is literal science that shows that different energies, different emotional energies have different frequencies, like wavelength frequencies. And ones such as victimization or lust or jealousy are very low frequency. Ones of, you know, joy and inspiration and love and abundance are very high frequency. So guys, trust that there is something much bigger to the energy in which moves through you and that you transform. You have control over one thing in this world and that's your energy. That's it. So don't you think it's a really good thing to pay attention to that, like a really wise way to use our time? So as you're integrating competition into your life, think, am I allowing this to be a source of inspiration? Am I allowing this to be a source of growth? Am I seeing somebody succeeding and thinking, wow, I wonder if I could do that too? Or wow, I wonder what's possible for me, right? Or am I seeing it thinking I'm less worthy, right? Or I need to go punish myself or I feel shame, I feel embarrassment, or maybe I'm going to start pointing fingers or making excuses for why, you know, for why I couldn't win or why that person didn't deserve it, right? Or I'm going to start, you know, slinging gossip or toxicity at that person to hurt them so they can't grow. These are all negative ways in which competition is integrated, right? These are all negative ways in which competition is integrated, right? And that's why when I see people attacking, you know, talking negatively about others, gossiping, any of that. Now guys, that was part of my life at one time. This is very cultural, right? But I can truly tell you I do not have that in my life and have not for a while. And I've had people say, you seem so happy, you seem so light, you seem so clear. Yeah, I've worked really hard and really long at clearing this stuff out. And I used to be a competitive person in the negative sense, right. And I am very competitive now in the positive sense. Right. I went and I created my own competition at the gym today, but I don't attach my worthiness to it. And that's what I really want you to think about. And I don't take a scarcity mindset of one person succeeding means another person can't. That's something I really want you to take from this. One person succeeding shows what's possible for others, right? If somebody is triggering something in you, whether you're an online business coach or, you know, it's at the gym or in a relationship or financially, if they're triggering something in you and you feel less worthy instead of turning down into low vibrations, let that be a mirror for you to think about. Well, do I really want to cultivate that? And if so, how is it possible? And am I willing to commit at that level? And if I'm not, am I willing to let go of this envy or this jealousy or this competition or comparison and recognize that person has placed more value on something than I am? And that's okay. That's okay. And that's where awareness and self acceptance is so important. Of course there'll be moments where I see somebody achieving something and I self check, like, okay, if I really want that, what would I have to do? And am I willing to do that? And if I'm not, wow. Like, I have a whole new level of respect for that person's level of commitment, their sacrifices, their choices, their opportunities, the way that they're choosing to live their lifestyle. And I have a lot more connection and awareness of my own alignment and what I want and what I don't want. Right. So when we have competition and we have comparison, it's. Guys, it's a beautiful way. Just in closing, it's a beautiful way to look in a mirror to see what you want. It's a beautiful way to look out and see what's possible. Right? And it's a really beautiful way to look internally at your energy to see how you're aligned. If you're using your energy in ways that you feel good about. And if you're not, if you want to make changes and if you are deepening that self acceptance and self growth. So I hope this was helpful for you guys. You know, again, this really, really came from my experiences in grief and recognizing my capacity was different. So remember that the people that you're quote unquote competing with or comparing with they you don't know what they're carrying, they don't know what you're carrying. We just don't know. So get away from that dark side of competition, right in comparison. Step into the light side of it and allow it to fuel your growth. And as always, I'm cheering you on. Any questions, thoughts, find me on Instagram, Mindset and Malbec. I love chatting with you there and we will talk soon. Thank you all so much for being here at Grief and Guts as Laden's mom. Being able to spread the stories, the strategies, the lessons that I have learned through Laden and from Layden is the thing that means the most to me in this world and allowing my daughter's short life to have long and lasting impact by shining her light. Truly, nothing means more if you align with and believe in the work that we're doing here in these messages. The best way to give back and to spread this out into the world is to rate and review on Spotify and on itunes. Thank you for taking just a moment moment to do that. Feel free to shoot me a message. Let me know what you want to hear more of, what you want to see more of. I am here to serve. I'm grateful to do so and I'm cheering you on in your journeys. Always.