Allow Me To Reintroduce Myself

Welcome to Scar Tissue, the podcast. I'm your host, Melissa Dugalecki. And here we understand the power that lies within our pain, that lies within the scars and the wounds and the nicks and the burns that come with the experience of life. When we learn how to leverage this, it is a powerful tool and capital that not only can take you to your next level in your life, but can make massive impact on others as well in the most beautiful ways. So here on Scar Tissue, we have real, raw and relatable conversations that will show you that there is not one way to live, that the word should doesn't exist and doesn't serve us in the vocabulary of our lives. That you are meant to live and create your most authentic self, and that we are worthy of everything but entitled to nothing. It is up to us to create it and to create from a place of love, opportunity, possibility, and authenticity. Let's dive in.

Welcome back, everybody. We're on with fantastic Melissa and I just want to get to know you a little bit more deeper.

So.

So let's go into, like, you grew up in Massachusetts, right?

I did.

Okay. What was that like? Like, what was it like going to school there?

Well, I mean, I loved it. I had such a great, you know, I. I was so fortunate in the way in which I grew up. I think more than geographic location, what's interesting about my childhood is I was very much a rule follower, like a should. I wanted to do everything right. I think in hindsight, you know, we know more about it now, but I think anxiety in children and adolescents can manifest as, like, people pleasing perfectionism. But that wasn't really well known. And I. I do believe when I look back, like, there was a lot of anxiety that luckily channeled in very positive ways for me growing up. But they're not a flag. Right. I was class president four years. I was homecoming queen. I was a Division 1 college athlete. I was captain of my teams in college and high school. So it was like, doing all those things. And Massachusetts and New England. It's kind of a very traditional checklist people follow. And so I think that is probably what impacted me. But the truth is my. My truest expression. I don't like rules. I don't like to do things normally. And I kind of can look back and see where I was acting out.

In a way, what it was there. Like, did something come to mind right then of, like, areas where you acted out that didn't, like, really affect it?

Yeah, I always said to do things differently. Like, when I was in College and like this was a positive one. But when I was in college, I would spend spend Friday nights driving back to go work at a group home for children and adults with disabilities and do like an overnight, like a 45 minute drive, you know, and you're not supposed to do that. And my senior year of college, I trained for a marathon that I ran for a charity. And that's your senior year of, you know, when you're had the least amount of responsibilities arguably you're going to have at any point in your life. Right. Because you've already, you've already met graduation requirements, pretty much already know where you're working and you're just cruising. And I would spend Saturday mornings doing 15, 20 mile runs and people said it's not normal. Why are you doing that? So there was always something in me that desired to break the norm or if somebody said you shouldn't do it that way, I'm like, watch me. And then we got, we're just going in. But I would say my 20s were really hard. Like one of my clients that I work with, you know, she's 27 and she's so solid. I've been working with her for a few years and I always tell her, I'm like, girl, you are good. When I was 27, this is what I was doing. Here's where I was. I was very lost. And what happened was because in hindsight, because my identity was so tightly formed to validation, to titles to homecoming queen, to division one athlete, to class president, to am I doing this right? My doing this right, I didn't really know who I was. So when I graduated college, I'm now looking for that person or that thing to validate and define me. And I was doing fine. You know, like, I'm working, I have like a life that's functioning, but energetically I was pretty lost. Okay, does that make sense?

It does. And what like, is that part of the reason why you went and did these things out on your own? Or what were the, what were the beliefs or like what were the things that were driving you to do these things that are out of the norm? Although they did like, they are good. Like, even looking back, I'm like, wow, that's like amazing.

Yeah. I think it's like there is this unhealthy or imbalance of a very authentic part of me that is, what's my limit, what's my edge? And can I pull this off? When you learn to work with that and be in the driver's seat of it, it's a really great quality because you're never satisfied, but you're never necessarily dissatisfied. You're just enjoying the process. But when you're in the passenger seat to something that's driving subconsciously looking to push the limit, go to the edge, what can I pull off here? That's not a healthy manifestation of it, Right?

Yeah. It seems very exhausting.

Yes. Yes. Yeah. And I had this story of, like, you either care about people or money. And when I went to college, I really wanted to be a teacher, my high school mentor. And just I had him on, like, a pedestal, you know, was a teacher. And a lot of the things that he talked about was taking care of people and teaching and kind of how he left corporate and not caring about money and all this. And of course, I followed that subconsciously. But I went to college for, like, business, psychology, sociology, got a job in corporate, a great job, and then quickly left it to go make $16,000 a year to be a teaching assistant, then go back to school to get a master's in education and completely restart from scratch. And I was exhausted and I was burned out. And it wasn't until my grief journey began that I really understood responsibility in a new way. Yeah.

How did it shift? How did you see it before?

I think before responsibility was doing the things you were supposed to do.

Who's saying you're supposed to do on.

Society or, you know, people who are influencing your life? But now I see responsibility is so much more about the ways of being and the process and ownership, full ownership. Like, I look back at a version of me who would walk by a piece of trash and. And not stop and pick it up. I didn't have a radical sense of responsibility. Now I'm like, I am part of a protector of our earth, you know, like, it's not just my responsibility. It's my privilege to help take care of this. So it almost shifted from, I don't know, I think privilege or when I realized no one was going to save me, no one was going to take my grief away from me. Yes. Even though this was a catastrophe, I had to heal it. I had to pay for my therapy. Like, that was a big one. I have to pay for grief therapy now. What? And it's like, well, yeah, of course. Who else is going to. This is your responsibility. And that really got me to see responsibility in a whole new way. And not just doing the things you're supposed to do, but seeing things as a privilege. Even the way that I drive now. Okay. I had, like, I Couldn't get car insurance for a while. I was so not aware. Like, parking tickets. I was, like, not paying attention. So distracted, maybe anxiety. I had no idea. And I was just back in Boston and, like, my family's like, you drive so slowly. And I'm like, 10 and 2. I'm like, I'm just enjoying the ride. And I feel a responsibility to be a responsible driver. I never really had that thought for most of my life of how am I honoring the privilege of having the driver's license and being a responsibility. So there's this massive shift of what responsibility meant to a place of honor and privilege. I don't know if that makes sense.

But, yes, it does. And how does this apply to, like, people or how you think about it with people as well? Because it sounds like it applies there too. Like. Like, that's pretty deep that it goes to, like, even how you're driving response or, like, thinking about it in those terms. Or, like, you know, like, being someone who takes care of the earth as well. But, like, how does that apply to people, too?

I've been writing about this recently, and I would say the last year and a half, there's been a real big deepening and softening and probably a part of why I needed to take a break from the podcast. I was pouring a lot into this, but there was a time where I needed to kind of look at what was the next level and spot in my own journey. And I would say that I see such an honor in having the ability to impact someone's life and not from a place where I need validation or I need praise or appraisal or whatever it is where, like, I was on a call with somebody who's interested in possibly hiring me yesterday. She reached out to me and she wanted to hop on. And she was so soft and vulnerable in our conversation and so scared. Can she trust herself to do this? So scared of, you know, will I be shoulder to shoulder with her? So scared of. She had been burned, you know, by a previous investment, someone she really trusted. So that really rattled her. I said, it's like when you're in a relationship and you get really hurt, it's hard to start dating. I felt emotion because I felt this beautiful privilege to be in this conversation with her. Whether or not we end up working together, it doesn't matter. But to, like, just to see the sacredness of her willingness to be that vulnerable and open with her dreams and her goals and her fears and what she's up against and for me to provide and Create the environment. Right. We talked about environment for her to go to that place. And so I think what shifted for me is that maybe not even responsibility of, well, I owe this to my clients. I don't ever feel that way. I feel like it's a privilege. My clients are trusting me to support them with this. That's an honor. And how I get to show up for them. And I'd say that's how it turns. And in my personal life, not completely letting go of expectations of how other people should show up without letting go of my own standards. So loving someone where they're at and meeting them where they're at instead of making them wrong for where I think they should be or could be and just like honoring their journey, meeting them where they're at and then trusting myself to keep and maintain my own boundaries and standards, but still being able to be in relationship with people at all different depths. I always say it's a depth chart. It's not a hierarchy. A lot of people, I think, see it as a hierarchy. I just see it as a depth chart. I can love everyone. Some people are just going to go like this deep and some people were going to like really, really drop in and those are going to be even fewer. And being like the an ignition for people to see their greatness and see their possibility is just something I find such an honor. So I don't know if I answered your question. I detoured.

I love it. And I guess from there I'd love to hear more of like, do you recall someone who like saw your greatness?

Yes. I've always relied and done really well with coaches and therapists. Like every therapist and coach I worked with has said I am like their hardest worker. I'm just like all in. Tell me what to do do. I'm not going to argue. I'm investing in you being the eyes that I can't, you know, that you have the experience that I don't have. And it got to a tipping point. I feel like for a while my coaches and mentors Even like Mike McElowicz who is in book publishing contract with me. I met him at a first financial training on cash flow and he just saw something in me and we maintained a relationship and when I told him about some changes I was going through my business, he's like, perfect, let's get on the call. And now we're. We're in business partnership together on my book because he believes in it that much. I've had a lot of coaches and mentors who have held that mirror. I'm like, melissa, you're not normal. You know, And I say that humbly. But a lot of times I think, like, you do, like any of us do, we operate in what is. I was talking to a friend with this about this last night. Like, you forget that a majority of people aren't operating in that same mindset as you or that same drive. So I had a lot of coaches and mentors, and then my work in my next level was actually to see it in myself and not rely on the coach or the mentor because I was a bit outsourcing my power at some point. I think there's a tipping point. It's the discernment of, like, I. This is really serving me. This really serving me. This is really serving me. Okay, my next level is this. And then a lot of my investments. I still have mentorship. I've come to you for mentorship on things. I think, you know, a lot of my investing is actually more in team members while still having mentorship. But just a little bit of a reallocation of, okay, I'm here now. Like, I can fuel these people, fuel their mission, be their mentors and grow my work.

So what's it like to do the inner work? It sounds like you've done a lot.

Oh, my God, it's so fun. It's so exhausting. It's like I always say to love the burn. Okay, Love the burn. Because it can be uncomfortable, like, really confronting your yuck and learning to do so with neutrality. Not making it right or wrong, but being really honest about, like, what's in the way or. Or where you got to keep working. And a lot of these things are not going to just shift right away. There's an element of patience, and you just gotta, like, okay, can I get a little bit better at this? Can I get a little bit better at this? Until you begin to build new habits or you begin to re new energy. But it requires a lot of responsibility. No blaming. No blaming. Like, I can't blame. You know, to be honest, Like, I had a blank check for a while, probably still could use it if I wanted to, but I had a blank check of, like, well, her daughter died. I could have cashed in that check to be a complete asshole and gotten away with it in many cases. But doing the healing work means being absolutely responsible for what's coming up and not expecting the world to bend to what you're dealing with. I don't know if that makes sense, but the work is. And there's Work in the body, there's work in the soul, there's work in the mind. You know, I started in the mind and then definitely moved to more body and then spiritual.

Mm. What do you feel like you've grown in or like from doing that work?

Definitely. I've noticed a huge shift in my ability to surrender, to trust, to have patience, to ask for help and support. Probably shifting out a lot. A lot of my fight or flight survival of go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go. And you see me, I'm very steady. You know, I've, you know, full day today again. But it feels more playful, it feels like creation. It never feels stressful. And I think there was a level of my identity that had become comfortable in stress and burnout and almost glorified it, which I think a lot of our society does. But I think extreme patience and allowance has been an allowance for other people and patience with other people and a willingness. Probably the biggest thing is a willingness to let go of the outcome, really let go of it. Like pursue what I desire, but attach to the process and let go of the outcome. Where I think there was a time when I was a class president, when I was a D1 athlete, when I was doing this, it was very outcome driven and I wasn't understanding that actually the power is fully in the process. This is the spiciest, the sexiest, the most authentic and fun virtual training I have ever put together. We have a five day challenge that will truly blow your mind and take your business, your body, your bank account and your overall happiness to the next level. Come learn how to build a bulletproof mindset, how to get your body right, how to get it in shape, how to age, schedule, having kids. None of that stuff is a reason to let our vessels go. And the truth is, if you want to be taken seriously, you got to take yourself seriously. And we are going to show you exactly how to level up so that you can be in the best shape of your life no matter what age you're at as well. We're going to be showing you how to brand with authenticity, how to stand out in a saturated market and have a vibration where people just feel your truth. Because the world is hungry right now for authenticity. There's a lot of performers out there. We're going to show you how to authentically and relatably connect. Because from that place, you can make massive impact. Getting into money, mindsets, business strategy, and like, honestly, it's just going to be a lot of fun. So come hang out with us. Sign up here. You gotta sign up to grab your spot, to secure your spot. You do not want to miss. These five days can truly change your life.

And it sounds like that's where you can actually play in is like when you, when you're enjoying the process.

Yes.

Instead of looking at like, okay, what's the result that I want?

100%. And I always say that sometimes we see a very narrow window of what the result could be. But when we really show up for the process, there's like a whole other peripheral vision of possible results that like, we can't even see that could be better than what we can even see. So sometimes in letting go of the result, I think a lot of people attach that to. I don't care. But rather I think it's. I'm not trying to control. I trust myself, I trust God, I trust, I trust the unfolding, you know.

Yeah, yeah. The faith of like. Yeah, I gonna walk in it.

Yes, yes.

Okay, tell me. We were talking a little bit about this yesterday, but tell me a little bit about, like, moments that didn't make sense or like decisions that didn't make sense, but afterward looking back, you're like, oh, that's. That may have been why this happened.

Oh, that's such a good question. And for anyone listening, I've probably 190 of these I could choose from. I think there were a number of relationship choices I made that were a part of my lessons and understanding what love really means of self worthiness. I mean, those are, those are some big lessons, like around the heart, for sure. I mean, I think our deeper relationships are our biggest mirrors. I think there was a choice. I made a couple of choices I made a couple times to exit a business partnership that wasn't broken. I just felt as though it didn't. I think it's harder sometimes to let something go when it's not necessarily broken. Right. When it's broken, we're like, we gotta.

Yeah, like, yeah, all right, time to go.

Yeah, code blue, whatever it is. Right. But when there's something where you're. When you just know and I, I can look back and see. I think, you know, subconsciously we act stuff out a lot before it gets to the conscious surface. So I can see some of the things that I was subconsciously kind of acting out until I was able to sit in my truth of what I felt like I really wanted and needed not having any idea what it was going to look like, taking a leap. Like, I am, I am. I'm moving back to My parents basement. Like what am I doing? You know, like not quite there but you know those just that real faith and then you see like, oh yeah, here's where I am now. Like this is what I'm meant to be doing. Like the book kind of came from that very shortly after and I think that's very powerful. I. I'm sure you've experienced this, but when we make those scary decisions or leaps, sometimes right after something just kind of magically comes in. You think moving to Tulum probably like, you know, that was a 10 day vacation that didn't make a whole lot of sense on paper. It's about four years now and I own a house. And that was kind of a decision of like sometimes what was I thinking? There's a little impulsive. I actually felt like I was meant to be stationed grounded there because the whole real estate market changed. So I thought I was going to be able to rent or sell and that wasn't the case. So it's just surrendering to it. But Tulum has taught me how to surrender so much. I mean, you're losing Wi Fi, you're on dirt roads, the ATVs breaking down, power goes out, you don't have water. These are just things you get really used to. And I think that my time in Tulum, while I do feel it's coming to an end as my full time space, I'm really craving the rigor and the creativity and the work kind of culture here in the states. But I think Tulum was really important for me. It was almost like this pause, this healing, this grounding that really made no sense. And I didn't necessarily know why I was there. But then afterwards it was like, oh yeah, that's why.

Right. And what came of that? What was the result of like, okay, I'm just gonna do it.

And then a lot of letting go. It was probably a learning of letting go of things on a day to day basis. Like logistically that allows me to do it in so many other ways, which I do think is one of my superpowers. It can come across as indifferent. Right. I think sometimes when we're really neutral or we're detached from the outcome or even like a grounded energy can come across as indifferent, but it's really not. I feel very deeply. It's just not allowing my energy to go to trying to control. It's just a greater energy and trust knowing everything will pass. And that's huge. I think presence is probably another big thing that shifted. I wasn't present before Like, I wasn't present enough for my pain. I wanted it to go away. I wanted to fix it. How do I fight this? How do I solve this? What do I do? I also wasn't very present enough for the joy, wasn't feeling it deeply. And I think it's so important for us to learn how to be fully present for whatever we're experiencing, because bottom line is it's not gonna last. It's not. So whether. Whether you're like at the highest high right now for something you're celebrating or in a relationship or in a job, be present for it, be grateful for it. And if you're in a lot of pain or your heart is hurting or you're grieving, be present for it, feel it, move it out. And that's something that I think Tulum really gave me the landscape to learn how to do.

That's good of. Of not trying to push away the. I know for myself. It's often, especially on the negative emotions, it's like push those away and like, you know, get caught up in, like, doing. Yeah, but what. I guess, what's it look like to sit with it? Is it just calling it for. Yeah, like what?

So it's funny you use that word, because my therapist, I mean, this was long time. I mean, late in past 10. It'll be 10 years ago in June. So relaunching the podcast right around that time, it's like, you know, 10, 10 was. Year 10 was very challenging. It's like, holy. I'd have a 10 year old, right? What? And looking at the. I mean, I was 29 when I got pregnant. So it's like looking at like this whole version of me, you know, I'm 40 now and like, how much has shifted?

You're 40? No.

What? Yeah.

My God.

Check the records.

Goodness. This 30 year old over here.

No, I'm 40. Oh. I don't believe in age. It's energy. Because honestly, I feel younger than when I was 30. And if you look at photos of me, I look younger. Just because I have a lightness. Absolutely. You can't fake energy, you know, I think anyways. And I was more burned out, more exhausted, as we were talking about. But so my therapist back almost 10 years ago, when I was like, okay, I signed up for a parent group. I signed up for a grief group. I signed up. I have a regular therapist. I have a grief therapist. I'm gonna do this. And like, she's like, melissa, sometimes you just have to sit with the shit. That was like her I'll never forget. So it's funny that you said, how do you just sit with it? So I, of course, type A, you know, I'm scheduling in time in my calendar to sit with my grief. But it's actually been something I've coached a lot of my clients to do. And I've had a client who was like, nothing happened. I just sat there. Nothing happened. And then by the third or the fourth time, she's like, I just cried for an hour. Because we. When we go and we go and we go, we are stuffing it down, stuffing it down, stuffing it down. And I'm not judging that or making it wrong. It's something I come up against in many different ways. And I'll never forget a time when I was in my former apartment outside of Boston where I could feel the trigger coming. And for me, the anticipation is always way worse than the actual thing. So the days leading up to Leighton's birthday take me out. Or sometimes the after, like, I was sharing with you, like, just coming back from Boston, it took me out because I wasn't really allowing myself to feel it while I was there because it was so intense. You know, I didn't actually break down on my grief there. I'm at my daughter's memorial tree. I'm holding my godson with my family, who held her, and it's like, held it together, held it together, held it together. And then I was like, bam. Right? And many times, though, and that was a different one, because I didn't necessarily anticipate that it was going to be that intense, but, like, holiday, her birthday, the anniversary. It's the days leading up, and. And so I could feel that happening years ago. And I remember being like, okay, I'm gonna walk down to the taco spot and go sit there and see who's around and get some chips and guac and watch football. I was looking, and I. I heard my therapist's voice, and I'm like, okay, we're not gonna do that. Okay, I'm gonna run to Target because I need to get some things. That's numbing it, too, Melissa, you know what I mean? There are many ways to do it. Busying ourselves, even TV shows. It can be a way of numbing and escaping. And so I remember just sitting on my couch and feeling burning in my stomach and being like, just gonna sit with the shit. We're just gonna sit with it. And I think it's like any muscle or skill that you build. Whereas before, I was very reactionary. An emotion would Pop up and I would react to it quickly in a uncomfortable situation with my partner. I wanna resolve it now, I wanna talk about it now. Right. Whereas though I'm not currently in partnership, whenever I even have conflict or uncomfortable things, give it some space, let it breathe, let it settle, sit with the discomfort. Because when you sit with the discomfort, not only are you healing it and de escalating it, you're preventing more damage control from trying to take action from a place that's not neutral.

Yeah, that's so good. So what, like, what encouragement would you give someone who is going through reap or on the flip or we'll go through that and then the flip end of like or if they're at a really good spot right now.

I think the biggest change agents for me is attaching to the process, not the outcome, finding ways of doing that. Don't take anything personally. To the point where I actually don't take compliments personally. Does it feel nice to get one? Sure. But at the same time, I kind of look for patterns and data. I'm hearing the same type of feedback over and over. It's like, okay, there's something there. Whether it's criticism, right. Or constructive feedback or compliments. One offs, they don't make or break me. And I think it's really important. I don't think that's something people understand enough. Because every time we, we take it personally, even if it's a compliment, which is beautiful, we can receive it with gratitude. But it doesn't change our worthiness or our identity. Then we're giving our power away. And to truly be in your power, it is a patience, it's surrender, it's a trust, it's a attachment to process. It's not taking things personally. And I would say just know that there's no finish line to the work and there's really no finish line to the joy. I experience deeper levels of joy and love on a regular basis still. And I'm like, wow, I can feel even more deeply. There's more, you know, like there's more. And let it be fun. I always use the word sacred. Let it be sacred. See your relationships as sacred. See your work as sacred. See your pain as sacred. See your joy as sacred. Truly, we can live life like in worship and a way of being of worship. And I think that's, that's where we really feel freedom and lightness. And maybe you can look like you're 30 when you're 40 and that's perfect.

And we'll wrap right there. Melissa, everyone.

Thank you so much.

New book coming out. New amazing person to know.

Thank you so much. Thank you for being a light in my life and just always finding our ways and we're still just getting to know each other. We got a long road. I know, but always finding ways into like really thoughtful, intentional conversation. So thank you. Absolutely. Thank you so much for tuning in and sharing the space of scar tissue with me. I hope you found value in this episode. Episode. It is truly my commitment and goal to bring what I believe will serve you in your life no matter what you're navigating. Again, this show is inspired from the loss of my daughter Layden and through my grief journey. Really understanding empathy, understanding empowerment, understanding how to be the creators of our lives in whole new way that is stronger than circumstance, that focuses on progress, not perfection, that loves the process, loves the process and lets go of attachment to outcome. So whatever resonated the most with you, allow that to serve you and you elevating to your next level. And if you love this show, please share it, please pass it along. Spread this work and would mean so much if you took a moment to even rate and review it on Spotify or Apple podcasts. Appreciate being here with you all and it is an honor to to witness your journeys and your greatness.