SERMON: Permission to Grieve: Melissa Dlugolecki

Welcome to the Arlington Street Church podcast. Founded in 1729, Arlington street continues today as a gathering place for progressive people of faith in the greater Boston area and beyond. We are located at the corner of Arlington and Boylston streets, across from the Public garden in Boston, Massachusetts. Please visit ascboston.org for more information about this historic Unitarian Universalist congregation. Arlington Street Church gathered in love and service for justice and Peace.

Hello, I first discovered Arlington Street Church in January of 2014. I was eight months pregnant skating on Frog Pond and my daughter's father was a little bit nervous with eight months pregnant skating on Frog Pond and suggested we check out this amazing church in which he had heard about. I came in and I loved the energy of Arlington street immediately, but living 45 minutes away, I didn't think that I would be frequenting here often. Fast forward a few months and my daughter Layden was born in February and months after that we spent a majority of her life right down the road at Boston Children's hospital. Of her four months of life, 99 of those nights were spent at Boston Children's Hospital. And not only did I appreciate Arlington Street Church, but Arlington Street Church was truly my sanctuary, the place in which I was held in the scariest and most painful times. So it is an absolute privilege and honor to be able to speak, speak here now and connect with you all in a whole other way. In the time since losing my daughter who passed In June of 2014, I like to say that she's led me to a lot of places. She led me here. She has since led me to study health, emotional intelligence. She has led me to travel outside of the country and of course led me right back here. But one of the things she led me to become an expert in is grief. And I invite you to pause when you hear grief and notice what you feel in your body or what comes to your mind. Often when we hear grief, it's associated with something terrible, something catastrophic. And this morning I really want to invite you to expand that definition and understand the underlying power that actually lies within grief. And also that grief exists on a day to day basis. Truly there is both birth and death every day in all of our lives. When we eliminate grief from being anything more than death, the loss of life, we are actually disservicing ourselves from truly understanding the natural experiences that we are exploring. And so I know that grief isn't usually the most popular topic, but that is why I believe it's so important to talk about. Because when we talk about it and when we Understand it. We, in fact, we take our power back. Because for me, my process, it was very disempowering. In the beginning, some people thought I was contagious, right? If they associated with me, they were somehow going to invite that into their life. Many people didn't say anything because they didn't know what to say. I'm sure a lot of us can relate to that, myself included. I've done that. Some people wanted to rush my healing. It will get better when or at least. And so what I really sought to do was to understand what was happening at a deeper level so that it didn't have so much power in me. Because when we are experiencing grief, there's a loneliness there, there's an isolation, there's a feeling of not being seen. But when we don't know how to navigate the process of grief. And I want to distinguish these two things. There's the energy of grief and then there's the process of grief. Now, the energy of grief is something in which we have very little control over. It's going to be different for all of us. In fact, my grief counselor told me that we don't suddenly create new energies in our ways of being. When we're grieving, our grief takes a magnifying glass and pulls it to the top. So if you struggle with anxiety, you can. In your grief, you will likely be much more anxious. If you have anger in your grief, you will likely be much more angry. So there's the energy of grief, which is going to be the emotional experiences in which come up and surface. But there's the process of grief, which is something that we actually do have control over. But because in our society, we get a little bit like, stay away, right? When it's grief, we're actually disempowering ourselves and we're making this energetic portion a lot harder. So it is my mission and my vision to empower people in all aspects of their life, and particularly this morning, empower you all to see what is really there, hiding and available in our grief. And first, I want to start by giving you permission to grieve. To grieve, whatever it may be that's coming up that is a loss or something that was taken from you. Maybe it was a job, maybe a relationship, maybe a loss of a future that you envisioned, maybe holidays or traditions or connections the past couple years, as we have not been able to navigate ways that we previously were. Maybe it's the loss of a pet, maybe it's an empty nest, maybe it's a Fertility journey. There are griefs lying in all of these spaces that represent loss. And so the first thing I invite you to do is give yourself permission to grief. Now, I'm not saying sit in it or let it have control over you, but I'm saying we don't want to resist it. Think of it like a wave crashing down. When we try and fight that wave, we're making it a lot harder for ourselves. When we go with that wave, that wave passes. Grief is a wave, and it will come and it will pass, and it will come again, and it will pass. It's not linear, right? I'm actually in the process of publishing a book in which I am writing an opposition to the five Stages of grief because I believe that does a disservice in our ability to navigate it. It creates pressure because my experience will be very different than yours and yours and yours, because we are different human beings now, the process, as I said, can be more universal. So this is so important, because unless we give ourselves permission and we acknowledge that our experience is actually grief, we can't fully heal. And we're so quick to dismiss anything in our society that feels sad, right? We tell children, don't cry, don't be sad, rather than allowing them to identify and express what they are feeling. I found in my own journey as a bereaved mom, as losing your child is considered in this invisible hierarchy which I am seeking to disarm the hierarchy of grieving that other people couldn't feel their grief or pain around me because I had lost my daughter. So therefore, because I lost my daughter, they. Their loss didn't matter. And that set me on a crusade to really empower everybody, right? From not a place of lack, but from a place of abundance. And abundance doesn't only exist in places that feel good, but just because one person is experiencing pain does not minimize or negate somebody else's. And I want to really be clear on that and let that land, right? We don't want to compare, right? If you're going through a divorce, it's not any more or less challenging if somebody's lost their pet or lost their dog, or breaking up with their boyfriend, girlfriend, significant other, whoever it may be. They're all their own experiences. So that's step one. Now, I want to share a couple of things that are supportive, because grief can feel very disempowering. But as somebody who has really studied and understood it, I really believe that it can be one of the most powerful, energetic forces in which we experience during our Lifetime. And we get to choose how we manage that. So one thing that is really, really powerful is this concept of knowing your teammates. Now, this can be holidays, this can be anything that you're navigating, but you can just look around. This doesn't even have to be to grief. Specifically look around and understand who is really good at each thing in your life. Because here's the truth. There's not a single person that can meet all of our needs. So then, rather than looking for somebody to meet our needs, all of them in a way in which they can't possibly do, we can actually strengthen a relationship by being clear on a need somebody can meet and seeking for them to meet that need, a different need somebody else might be able to meet and allowing them to meet that need. I'll give you an example. A few types of teammates in which I was taught and studied are listeners. People who can listen, listen, listen, listen. Here's the key. Everyone thinks they're a good listener. Not many people are. Okay, to be a good listener means that you are not interjecting your experience. You're not saying at all when that happened to me. You are not advising, oh, you should do this. You're not dismissing, well, when are you gonna feel better? A listener can just hold. That takes a lot. Now, a listener can say, would you like me to just listen? Or would you like me to give some advice? So now, not only are we looking at what types of people can be a listener or that teammate in our life, we look at, can I be that for somebody? A second type of teammate is a distractor. People who. Their strength is not sitting in the heavy. We don't need to make it right or wrong. They can love you just as much as somebody else. But that's not their. That's not something they've cultivated the ability to do. So allow them to distract you. Going out to the movies, a walk, a hike, dinner, whatever it may be that takes your mind because you can't always be in it. A third type is a doer. Right? I have a lot of doers in my life because I'm a doer. I like to get things done. But think of that to do list. So whether it's getting things for memorial service or helping clean a house, if you're moving, moving or packing things up, looking into things, organizing, ordering, they want to. It's like the love languages of grief. They want to express their love and care through doing. Now think. If you go to a doer and you ask them to listen, they're not going to be able to listen well if that's not their skill set. So let's ask our doers to do and our listeners to listen and our distractors to distract. Now we become the coach and the orchestrator of our own healing journey. This doesn't just apply into your healing. This can apply in your whole life. And I'm telling you, this is a concept that has changed, changed my world. Speaking of world, another thing that we get to do when we're navigating challenge is we build our world. So a lot of people say this was a myth. It gets better. When has anyone here heard that? Anyone on Zoom heard that? Anyone here in the congregation heard it will get better? When has anyone ever said that to them? Maybe. Yeah, yeah, it will get better when it's a myth. Okay, now what happens is it does get better. I will tell you that this is not doom and gloom, but things will come in waves. I've worked with people, I've worked with clients in all different parts of their grief journeys. And I've had people who. 12 years, it hits some people. 12 weeks, 12 minutes. We are unique beings. Our healing, therefore, is going to be unique. So when we talk about building our world, this is a way in which we support healing. I want you to envision a circle like, this is your world. And when your loss or your grief or your pain happens, this whole world feels like shattered. What we don't do is wait for this to just get better. We start building our world. So we start adding layers, and so the circle itself may not actually change in size. My daughter is still gone. That hasn't changed. That pain is still there. However, I've built my world, and in building my world, the percentage of space that it takes up is significantly less. Another tool that we get to source when we are giving ourselves permission to grieve is to cultivate an environment of healing, of nourishment. This is a hard one. Quite often we see comfort food, comfort drink. Right, Comfort. Insert the blank, comfort shopping. We seek things that are going to ease the pain in the moment by providing comfort. But if we truly want to heal the wound and get in there and be in the dark, we want to cultivate an environment that. That is going to provide us the landscape to do so, which is not a band aid, a quick fix, a distraction. It's going to be fueling and nourishing your body from the things that you eat, you drink, the podcasts you listen to, the people you are around that are constantly moving. You in the direction of growth, of healing, it is ignoring the places of toxicity, whether it's consumption literally into your body or energetically into your mind, you give yourself permission to grieve and you give yourself permission to be an absolute ninja with making sure that anything that comes into your space is supporting your healing. And one final part of the process that can be very powerful when we're going through this is actually rooted in Ayurveda. Now, if you're not familiar with Ayurveda, it's an ancient, ancient study sourced in India about energy and how it connects. And there are three doshas, Vata, air, pitta, fire, kapha, earth. And the belief is that if anything is off in your health, your mind, your life, there is an imbalance of these dots, doshas. So what we get to look at is in our healing journey. One, vata, awareness, thought, air. What's coming up? What's being triggered, what's happening? How am I giving myself permission to ride this wave instead of fighting it? Step two, pitta action, fire. What teammates am I sourcing? How am I building my world? How am I cultivating my environment? What action am I taking that fuels my healing? And number three, kapha, grounding earth, reflection. Looking back on how that worked and how that served me, this is when we often forget in our society, we'll go thought, action, thought, action, thought, action. Making space for the reflection to see how something truly served you can be the difference between going loop, loop, loop, on, repeat and moving forward. Vata, pitta, kapha. For your life and your grief. Now, what I found to be true, as I mentioned, I'm publishing a book and a lot of it was inspired from hundreds of clients that I've worked with in their own journeys. Right? It could be chosen grief. You might choose your own grief. Give yourself permission to still grieve. Just because you chose it doesn't mean you are deprived of experiencing the pain of that loss. For example, if you choose to leave a relationship that can be chosen grief, it can be the right choice for you, but you can still grieve the pain of that connection, that loss, that future you imagined. But what I found with the hundreds, truly thousands of individuals that I've worked with is a common denominator. No matter their story, no matter their grief, no matter their background, societal status, anything. Through understanding the process of grief, ways to navigate the process, they can manage the energetics more powerfully. And what they report feeling is relief, empowerment, self connection, self understanding. And with that self connection and understanding, greater connection to Others. Because the truth is, we can only connect as deeply with others as we connect with ourselves. Let grief allow you the space to know yourself so well, so that you can connect with others so much more deeply. And so, friends, I know that grief can feel a little yucky. I acknowledge that. But it is my hope that if we can alleviate the layer of not understanding what is happening, of not recognizing that our trauma that could have nothing to do with our current grief, our past wounds, whatever it may be, is all up to the surface, then we can remember that there is a massive power there for us too. Because the truth is, is that energy. Grief is an energy. It's an energetic experience that moves through us. Energy cannot be created or destroyed, but it can be transformed. And so we, through giving ourselves permission to grieve and understanding ways in which to fuel our growth through doing so, when we remember that the power, the depths of the darkness, when transformed, can truly become the most sacred, potent path to the light. So let us commit or invite in the possibility that we are no longer running from grief. We are not hiding it. We are not stuffing it down. We are not pushing it away. We are not searching for an invisible finish line that doesn't exist. But rather, we are pausing. We are witnessing, we are allowing, we are sourcing, and we are trusting. Because when we choose those, there is no power or experience that could ever be more powerful than what's available within you. And now, for our benediction, I invite you to put your hands over your heart in Namaste. I bow to the divine in you. You are not your struggle, your loss, your grief. You are a beautiful, powerful being on a human experience. Let us treat ourselves with grace, love, and compassion. Let us treat each person we encounter as if they are carrying an invisible heartache that we can't see. But we honor that it may be there too. Let us choose moment to moment to be the healing for the collective by always returning to love. The service begins when the service ends. Bless your hearts. I love you. Amen.

Where you go, I will go, beloved. Where you go, I will go. Where you go, I will go, beloved. Where you go, I will go. For your people are my people. Your people are mine. Your people are my people. Your divine. My divine. Where you go, I will go, beloved. Where you go, I will go. Where you go, I will go, beloved. Where you go, I will go. Your people are my people. Your people are mine. Your people are my people. You're divine, My divine.

Please visit ascboston.org for for more information about this historic Unitarian Universalist congregation, Arlington Street Church, gathered in love and service for justice and peace.