Joy and Peace are a State of Mind

In today's episode, I'm going to explain how having joy and peace is a state of mind. We'll first define joy and peace and explain how they differ through a Christian lens. I'll then share how the happy warrior mentality may actually be keeping you stuck in your current and past distress. I'll also offer hope for the person who believes joy and peace are elusive in their lives. We'll then discuss how to shift your thinking and embrace abundance so you can experience joy and peace daily. Hey friend, welcome to Forward Path with Melissa: Life and Marriage God's Way. I'm Melissa, small-town Iowa girl, wife to my best friend since 2007, mom of 2, mental health therapist since 2009, and founder of Forward Path. I'm forever grateful that God took a shy, insecure kid And showed her who she really is in Him, giving her just enough humble confidence to stand for what's true, because that changed everything. Forward Path and this podcast is the stirring God wouldn't let go of in my heart, because the world can feel heavy and dark, and we're called to be different, to shine His light, especially in our homes. and marriages. So every week, we're going to open scripture, pull from real-life counseling experience, coaching knowledge, and talk honestly about the messy and the beautiful— how to disagree well, love deeply, heal, parent with purpose, and keep walking forward with Jesus. Because your growth isn't just about you, it's about glorifying the one who designed it all. So grab your coffee, let's walk forward together. Okay, so let's first define joy. Most people believe it's just an elevated state of happiness, but happiness is based off an event. It's fleeting. It's a matter of happenstance. Joy, however, is deeper and more profound. It's often based on meaning and purpose. Joy is rooted in inner peace and fulfillment, which enable it to sustain even through challenges and distress. Biblical joy goes even further, as it's rooted in a relationship with Jesus. It's sustained by trust in divine promises and the knowledge that God works all things together for good . So that brings us to peace. We know that peace means the lack of war. Inner peace is then a state of tranquility or quiet. It's a freedom from disquieting or oppressive thoughts or emotions. You can think of it as a lack of internal war. You're not fighting against your own thoughts. Peace, described in the Bible, is the experience of tranquility because of your hope, faith, and love of God. William Wordsworth had a poem, Character of the Happy Warrior, which embodied courage, moral integrity, and inner peace. The term happy warrior today also means a person who's able to remain optimistic and cheerful when facing adversity. Or we can take James 1:2-4. Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. These are great examples of living in joy And peace. But here's actually where I've seen this become skewed. I've seen where people choose not to let go of their baggage, or they pick their baggage back up to be the happy warrior. I've seen that with some of my Christian clients where they'll hold onto their baggage or pick it back up to consider it joy, almost like their faith wouldn't mean as much if they weren't struggling. It can then turn into martyrdom, Holding on to their baggage to obtain sympathy and compliments for their faith. And they'll justify it by saying that we're to expect that life is going to be hard. Or they feel like there may be a more impressive testimony if they're the happy warrior for Jesus, because it would be easy to love and follow Jesus if things are going well in your life. But Jesus doesn't want us to hold on to our hurt and pain To be the happy warrior, yes, we are going to face struggles and hardships, and we can view them as opportunities to grow. But I assure you, there will be plenty of opportunity to focus on joy in the face of adversity without needing to bring them on ourselves or hold on to it. We are to live as a new creation. Second Corinthians five seventeen. Therefore. If anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come. The old has gone and the new is here. Don't pick the baggage back up. Some choose not to let go of their baggage, or they pick the baggage back up because they're afraid for various reasons, and the idea of joy and peace is seen as out of reach. For some, it's about comfort. That's their stable place. A person can learn to adapt to doing life in a state of frenzy, chaos, busy, and there are certainly going to be times in our lives when our schedules are like that. Think newborn babies, or starting a career, or grad school, or combining all of those things. Schedules are crazy. But there can also be relationships, lack of boundaries, poor decisions, and destructive thoughts that can create the chaos. So when those periods slow down and the pressure and weight aren't there— I'm talking either schedule shifts, or you've created the boundaries and changed the thought processes, and they've gotten healthy. I've had some clients describe the lack of weight as feeling naked, uncomfortable, and too free. So the result is they create unnecessary chaos or pick the baggage back up. The experience of peace is scary and they aren't able to embrace joy. Or for the person who gets their worth from their works, they can feel like a lull in their schedule means they're lacking. I can personally say that that was true of me before I had a good understanding of where my worth came from. So they'll add more and more responsibilities to be busy again. They're getting their joy from their work and not from Jesus. So how can we experience joy and peace daily? Well, first we have to take our thoughts captive, or rather think about your thinking. Now, as a society, we've gotten entirely too focused on our emotions, and yes, you are hearing that coming from a therapist. Yes, it's good to know what emotions you're experiencing, but we're not to be controlled by them. Many people don't realize they have the ability to change their emotions. And the fact that we have shifted so heavily on our emotions, But honestly aren't really explaining why or how they happen. So where do emotions come from? Well, our emotions come from our thoughts. Let's say we have a situation, any situation, and then based on that situation, we have a thought, and then based on that thought, we have an emotion, and then we respond or behave. So I often give this example to clients in my office. So if we are both sitting there and all of a sudden a guy comes storming into the office, well, we both would have the same situation. So I'll ask the client, what would you think? And a lot of times, actually, they'll give me a feeling first, and I have to remind them, no, not, not an emotion. What would you think? Then what do you think you would feel? So honestly, depending off if the client is male or female or what their background is, it will kind of depend on what they'll say their thoughts are. So if a situation is a guy coming into the office, the thought could range from, what's happening? To, are we safe? And then the feeling could be confused to scared. Okay. So now that we recognize we are having the same situation, a guy is coming, busting through my office. Now let me give more context. Let's say that actually the guy is my husband. That completely changes the situation. So if my husband comes into the office, it's still the same situation for my client. They don't know who he is, but if I'm quickly able to say, it's okay, it's, it's my husband, that's going to change their thoughts about the situation and their emotions. They still will probably be confused of what's going on, but here's the difference. Now that there's more context, what I can share is if my husband came busting through our— my office door, I can assure you my first thought would be something absolutely terrible happened to our kids. Because that's the only way that that would happen. So my emotion would be terror because something would've happened. So the example I give is because our thoughts and our emotions can get distorted if we don't have the context of the situation. Our thoughts then are skewed because we don't, we don't know what's happening. Or maybe the situation can be something like we've experienced. So We assume the context or maybe get triggered by it, which also can cause the negative emotions, right? Or we can come to realize the truth of something, but then allow the emotion we experienced to revert our thinking again. So an example of that, let's say you're home alone at night and you hear a noise outside the house. Well, you start imagining someone's trying to break in. You don't know that, it's just that's where your thoughts go. And you start getting scared and anxious. The only thing you know for sure is you heard a noise. Without context, you create thoughts and then have emotions. But the emotions are real. They just might not be justified. Okay, so let's say you get up the nerve to look out the window, and you realize it's a raccoon knocked over the garbage. Well, you now have the context of the situation, so your thoughts can change. However, if instead of focusing on the true situation, the raccoon knocked over the garbage, you can focus on how scared you were, even when you didn't know the information, then you can start feeling scared again. You can talk yourself into experiencing the fear all over again, even though you know the truth. That's why we're told not to trust our emotions, but focus on making the thought line up with Truth. We have to recognize that our emotions are a response to our thoughts, so we can step back and focus on the thoughts. When I've discussed with my clients the idea of thinking about their thoughts, a lot of them will say that they're overthinkers, or they're constantly in their own heads. So they will say it's not that they don't take their thoughts captive, they're saying that their, their mind is constantly going. But the difference is they're not actually taking the thoughts captive. They let the thought happen, then don't test to see if it's real or true. This can actually happen in 3 different ways. So you can have constant thoughts of the past, you can have worries about the future, or be stuck in your own negative self-talk. For the people who dwell on the past, things that happened years ago, or maybe a conversation that just took place the previous day, playing it over and over again is robbing you of living today. It's robbing you of getting to experience the joy and the peace that we're talking about. It's robbing you of experiencing what's happening around you right now. Or for the person who worries about the future, the unknowns, who plays out potential situations or conversations, You're inventing distress that may never come and also robbing yourself of the joy and peace. Or you have the person who has the hamster wheel of negative self-talk. The thoughts keep coming and they'll notice them, but they don't know how to stop them. So first, it's having to test if the thought is even true. Where's the evidence? I say that a lot. I've had a lot of clients that have told me on more than a few occasions that they'll hear my voice say that in their head. Where's the evidence? When the thoughts are focused on the past, it can actually be a dual situation. So it's important to process our past pain and circumstances, but it's to heal so we can grow and move on, not to continually dwell on them. If the thought isn't something you've ever actually processed before, maybe you think about it, but are just mulling it over, just putting it on repeat in your head, You haven't allowed it to come to conclusion. So focus on what happened and what did the other person say or do to you? If you don't know the person, say someone cut you off in traffic, the situation very likely had nothing to do with you personally. It's about them and not you. That's it. So it's no longer necessary to think about. The situation has now actually come to conclusion. So if you find yourself thinking about it again, you can turn your mind to actively say to yourself, I've already resolved this, and then choose a different topic to think about. I know that may sound simplistic, but simplistic doesn't mean ineffective. It also doesn't always mean easy, as this does take practice. We've gotten so used to just letting our thoughts go on autopilot and go over and over again. If you continually replay a situation from your past and you did know the person, let's say a neighbor or a coworker, then ask yourself, why would they say or do that? Again, it's usually about them, not you. Now, if you realize maybe you were in the wrong, you may need to apologize and make the situation right. And in doing so, that also actually causes the situation to come Now, this process is obviously more complex the closer you are to the person, but the process is essentially the same. You think about what happened and what the person said or did. Has this been a continued pattern? Why would they do that? Now, this isn't excusing the behavior. Sometimes people do truly awful things, but it is just figuring out why the behavior is happening. These are the situations that tend to be the baggage people pick back up. These are the ones that do take a longer time to be able to come to a conclusion. The second reason people overthink is when their thoughts are focused on the future. My clients often hear me say, just because it's possible doesn't mean it's probable, meaning what's the likelihood the worry could actually come to fruition? Like, it's possible they get struck by lightning, but how probable is it? For example, when I worked with kids, we would often talk about their fear of the dark. Now, rarely was the fear ever about the dark, but rather what was in the dark or what could happen in the dark. Usually, this is monsters or a fear someone's going to break in. Now, they will agree that monsters aren't real. This is a situation where in the moment, they need to focus on the thought that monsters aren't real, rather than the feeling or the emotion of being scared. This is just like the situation with the raccoon. If they focus on the fear or the worry about the monster, well, even though they know monsters aren't real, they can allow the emotion to overtake them. And then they'll be afraid all over again. So it's having to focus on the thought, continually thinking in their head, but they're not real. They're not real. Focusing on that thought, even if it takes a while, will help them no longer be afraid of the monster. Now, if their fear is about someone breaking in, I ask questions. Have there been break-ins in the neighborhood? Well, if yes, that's more legitimate, and then we discuss with parents what safety measures they're taking. Those are things that actually need to get discussed and fleshed out. But if the answer is no, I still walk through it. Do you lock the doors? Do you have an outside light on? I'll ask if there's a motion detector, and sometimes I'll get the craziest look from parents like, why are you entertaining this? But the more that they're able to understand that the probability is far less than the possibility, the better equipped they are to focus on the truth of the situation And not their emotions, right? If we're fighting against the emotion, because while real, not justified, we need to be able to combat it with truth, with the thoughts. This can also be true of the thought of failure. Failure is a loaded word, just like fear, but oftentimes people don't actually define what failure would be. So what would have to happen for you to actually fail in whatever situation you're worried about? And then how probable is that? Here's an example. I had a client who wanted a raise, but was afraid to have the conversation with his boss because he was worried they'd say no. He viewed the no as a failure, but we discussed that by not asking, he was guaranteed not to get the raise. So he'd be in no different position. And then even if the boss said no, it'd also be no different situation than his current, his current situation. We define failure in that situation as making less money than he currently was or get fired. Well, he was able to acknowledge that asking for a raise wouldn't cause those situations to happen. He wasn't going to get less money by asking, and he wasn't going to get fired. So here's the thing. No, he didn't get the raise, but his boss did let him know what he could do better so that a raise in the future was more likely. So all in all, there was no failure, but in that situation, had he not approached, had he not been willing to talk with the boss, he potentially would've never known what else he could be doing that would be able to help him get that raise in the future. So the third way that people overthink is when their thoughts are a monologue of negative self-talk. It's also important to question, where's the evidence? When did I first start thinking this or believing this? I'll give you a personal example. I have contacts and glasses. For a long time, I felt like I wasn't attractive with my glasses. It was a thought that I had, but didn't really question. I just believed it to be true. Once I actually took the time to think about it, I questioned, when did I first start feeling this way? And silly enough, I was reminded of a situation in 2nd grade where I overheard 2 boys saying they didn't think girls with glasses were pretty. Okay, well, why would that possibly have stuck with me like that? Well, I had a crush on one of the boys, so his words mattered to me at the time. It's actually not uncommon for people to have examples like that, where a random statement from someone who held some kind of importance at the time turns into a belief because we didn't take the time to question the evidence or validity later. So once you've gotten better at noticing your thoughts and taking them captive, you can give your mind the command to think about joy and peace. There is a part of our brain called the reticular activating system, or RAS. It's like the command center in our brain. It regulates wakefulness, alertness, and focus. It also supports habit formation and supports cognitive functioning. It wants to follow through and complete the task you give it. So for example, if you are thinking about buying a certain make and model of a vehicle, it can feel like you're seeing that vehicle everywhere. It's not that there's suddenly an influx of that vehicle. Your RAS has been told to focus on it and alert you when it crosses your path. But your RAS will also follow your command if you believe people are talking down to you, or people don't you, it will focus on instances that can be viewed as a slight to reinforce that behavior. But you can give your RAS a positive task. You can give it a faith-filled intention for joy and peace. An intention is a determination to act in a certain way, a resolve. When you provide your RAS with a goal or an intention, It wants to complete the task. God made our brains so amazing. We just have to learn how to utilize it well. And we're told to do this in scripture. Philippians 4:8: Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable— if anything is excellent or praiseworthy, Think about such things. So when you think, plan, and focus on a specific intention for your day, you'll start turning your mind towards that goal. When you make it a priority and a goal to think of your day positively through the lens of joy and peace, of what God has done for you, and of how you can shine His light to others, you benefit all the more. So first, decide what you want your faith-filled intention to be. Here's a sample intention for the day: Today, I will walk in the joy of the Lord by noticing 3 specific things He's already done for me before noon. I recommend setting your intention right away in the morning so you can pray over it. Then write it down. Put your intention for the day in your journal, On a Post-it note, in your planner, or in your phone. If you want, even post it on social media. That way, then you can be held accountable. Next, set reminders throughout the day to check in. Use your phone as an alarm if you need, and then midway through your day, take a few minutes to jot down some quick notes or journal about how it's progressing. You're going to reinforce it that way. What are you noticing? Are you seeing a benefit? How can you improve on following your intention? If you use the example I gave, then you could update the intention to, today I will walk in the joy of the Lord by noticing 3 specific things He's done for me from noon to bed. Try to make it a priority to reflect at the end of the day. How are you feeling? What did you think went well? What, if anything, hindered you from following your intention? And don't give up. Again, this is a process, but having joy and peace is a state of mind that you can achieve. So I'm gonna give you a challenge for this week to try 3 things. One, notice if you're struggling to let go of your baggage, and then focus on your thoughts. Are you stuck in the past, worried about the future, or preoccupied with negative self-talk? And then 3, try to give yourself a faith-filled intention each day to focus on peace and joy. Maybe start by focusing on Philippians 4:8 each day. So in closing, yes, we will have struggles, but we're told that we're a new creation in Jesus. We are capable of joy and peace, come what may. That's all for today, friend. Thank you For walking the stretch of the path with me. If today's episode encouraged you even a little, would you do 2 quick things? Hit subscribe button or follow on your podcast app or YouTube channel so you never miss an episode and share it with one friend who needs it. That's the easiest way this light keeps spreading. If you want to go deeper, come join the Forward Path app with Melissa and community. It's where the real growth happens between episodes. Inside, you'll get all of my courses in one place, weekly live question and answer where we'll unpack the podcast episode of the week together. There'll be daily prompts for your faith, marriage, and purpose, downloadable PDFs to keep you on track, a private community of like-minded Christians cheering each other on. Group coaching once a quarter, discounts on the Forward Path Shop, and first dibs on the workshops and retreats, and an affiliate program that gives you and anyone you refer a discount. Just head to melissagendro.com to check out the show notes for the link. I can't wait to see you there. You can also find me on Instagram, Facebook, and all other socials @forwardpathwithmelissa, and sign up for my email so nothing good slips past you. Until next Monday, keep shining, keep growing, and keep moving forward God's way. See you soon, and God bless. Bye.